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Wednesday, October 1, 2014

September tweet feast

Sorry I didn’t have time to write about the Pittsburgh Pirates and their one-game play-in contest versus the S.F. Giants today, but I figured today’d be a good day to catch up on some stuff and that means lazy tweet round-up. I don’t know why I always feel compelled to sort of grade my monthly efforts. August, I thought, was great; September not so much.

Oh, well, it’s not like Twitter’s going to expel me for not keeping up to their standards. Follow me if you like at 8days2amish.

My prediction for the Pirates v. Giants? I think the Bucs are gonna sweep ‘em!

• All you need to know about the appeal of broccoli is no one's ever tried to make booze out of it.

• Wonder how much money I could make if I told people I could sell 'em skinny pills & sold 'em bottles full of pills with really slim waists.

• I sometimes wonder what God says when Jesus sneezes.

• Maybe people would read and observe the Bible more if it had more exclamation points. Agree? Yes!!!!!!!! 

• Asking an 8 yr old to convey with brutal honesty the flaws in her father's appearance is a mistake a grown man makes just once.

• August "tweets of the month" lead me to believe I'll one day catch Kutcher: just 16,438,314 followers to go!

• RIP Joan Rivers. It never would have suited you to be in "serious" condition for long.

• Daughters mocked when I said I used to have #McCutchen hair. Told them skepticism healthy. Grounded each 6 weeks. 

• A dentist should be the name of a person who fixes dented autos. What we call a dentist should be called a mouthist.

• Many dads criticized for being helicopter parents, always hovering. Not me. I'm more of a sidecar parent, just along for the ride.

• If people who revere the Grateful Dead are called “Deadheads,” what does that make those of us who revere “Moby Dick?”

• I wish Apple would cease making new iPhones and instead develop an engine that runs on all the iPhones they’ve snookered us into discarding

• The world would be much more serene if no one bothered to look in mirror until we’ve all had at least three good blasts of booze.

• A good mime can be safe, but never sound.

• Folding female underwear always reminds of incomprehensible game of 3D chess Spock played on Enterprise rec deck. 

• Some might consider putting fancy prosthetics on injured animals faux paw.

• How can a man be as secure in his masculinity as I am in mine and still feel sheepish about eating a banana in public?

• If I were a heroic crime fighter, I'd love to have Super Vision. But as a regular guy, I hate any supervision. Can't stand it.

• ”Spare the rod, spoil the child" responsible for more Biblically-justified wanton violence against innocents than any 6 words in history

• Ravens suspend Ray Rice. Know what that means? His agent arranging a seance with late owner Al Davis about getting client an Oakland tryout

• Join me in crafting more sensible spellings: let's all spell hyphen ... hy-phen!

• NFL thinks it can teach America about domestic violence? NFL attitudes CAUSE domestic violence.

• I’d like to know what goes on in the mind of a rabbit when it’s running along and suddenly comes smack into a really long cyclone fence.

• Every operational decision every gastroenterologist makes is in some way gut-wrenching.

• I couldn't believe NFL commish was fallible. Then I realized I'd been misspelling his name. I always thought he was GODell.

• We love “Seinfeld!” We love “Curb Your Enthusiasm!” Would Seinfeld have been funnier if Larry David had starred as himself/George?

• Anytime you hear of anyone dying suddenly, it should reinforce the need to ensure you're always living suddenly. #NeverForgetSeptember11

• The name causes some confusion among those casual about Egyptian folklore, but most Mummies were Daddies.

• Hash #tag you're it!

• That which does not kill me usually leaves me with a pounding hangover.

• All-you-can-eat restaurants are places where the crowd never thins.

• Good news: NFL commish Goodell no longer media whipping boy. Bad news NFL star in news for whipping boy.

• Many people pray to God to change the world and ignore the God-given powers we all have to change the world.

• Cynics who do nothing but predict gloom and doom are misfortune tellers.

• FYI: The band Quiet Riot was neither.

• Too many people bury the hatchet and immediately begin looking around to see where they left the shovel. 

• Join me in my quest to make the phrase “and so on and so forth” even more moronically redundant! How about: “And so on and so forth and some such…”

• Most big box stores don't bother to sell big boxes and it's impossible to order chains at a chain restaurant.

• You’d think they'd know better, but people in the publishing industry are most apt to judge books by their covers.

• I doubt PETA would approve by I enjoy confusing the dog by barking out a loud fart when he's trying to poop.

• Celebrated 18 years of being married to a perfectionist. Know what that makes me? Too perfect to brag.

• Sing it with me! "Where have you gone, Derek Jeter? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you! Woo! Woo! Woo!”

• What I tell my daughters ev'y night: "May tonight you have the world's greatest dreams and may tomorrow all those dreams begin coming true!”

• I’m so Old School I remember when bar codes were unwritten rules about how men and women behaved in places that served alcohol.

• How much more advanced will humanity be when we select mates based on intelligence instead of how nice one’s ass looks in tight jeans?

• Yes, it's a long way to Tipperary, but if you're in Kilfeacle you can make it on foot in about an hour.

• Join me in crafting more sensible spellings: let's all spell hyphen ... hy-phen!

• I wish ill on no one, but for the sake of our collective cool I hope Ringo doesn’t become our longest living Beatle.

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