Tweets of the (last two) months

And now entirely without fanfare, here are the Tweets of the (last two) months ...

• Purely to satisfy my curiosity to how bitter partisans react to coincidental news, I'd like to see what supporters and antagonists say if a Storm(y) named Daniels made landfall at Mar-a-Lago. 

• If Trump says the hurricane is gonna hit Alabama then pucker up, Cotton State, and prepare to kiss yer asses goodbye

• It may be a vast over-simplication, but couldn’t global warming be eased if we simply moved Earth farther from the sun? I think if we synchronized our pushups on one side of the globe while everyone on the other side jumped up in the air …

• Given what I know about headline writers and how they strive for novelty, I predict this will be the week one of them crafts the line, "Another whistleblower provides vaping gun.”

•So many evil doers getting killed while committing heinous acts must mean Hell is getting full. That means long lines, shortages, frayed nerves. Imagine road rage in Hell. Now do something here to ensure you won't have to experience it.

• Better casting: The late Leslie Nielsen as Donald Trump or Donald Trump as the late Leslie Nielsen? The longer this goes on the more I wonder if POTUS is a hybrid of the two.

• Do Flat Earthers believe there are upside down people on the flip side or that it's just a bunch of roots and shit?

• Is it coincidence or puckishly deliberate that the federal meteorology department charged with forecasting devastating floods has a name that sounds like NOAH? #NOAA

• Rejoice our leaders are unafraid to stand up to the all powerful e-cigarette lobby in light of 6 nationwide vaping deaths. Rest assured if there's ever another unregulated product used to randomly slay innocents these portraits in courage will act swiftly to end the menace.

• I’ve never experienced love at first sight, but 5 or 6 times a day I'll catch the eye of some stranger and know -- just know -- we're destined to become drinking buddies.

• ”Laid up," is one of our oddest expressions because it usually means a convalescent incapable of getting up at all.  Laid down makes more sense. It gets even trickier anatomically speaking if you dare spell it "layed up" or "layed down.”

• A clear, sharp mind is a brute impediment to enjoying so much of life's wonder and whimsy. I'm glad that's not one of my problems.

• Proper grammar is the math of writing.

• You’d have to think Danish Haz-Mat teams would eventually lose their edge from responding to too many there's-something-rotten-in-Denmark false alarms.

• As monumental they were as a band, they couldn't have come up with a more fraudulent name. The never toured, never gigged a local bar. Hell, they never left the studio. Traveling Wilburys? Right. They were the Stationary Wilburys.

• It doesn't exactly equate to a Rosa Parks moment, but if I were a person of color I'd ask the podiatrist to think up another less Caucasian-sounding name for my littlest brown toe instead of “pinky."

• When I'm drinkin' dahntahn, I like a place with fries and slaw on the bread, HOF Stiller jerseys on the wall, etc. I want the full yinzer. Yes, I want n’atmosphere.

• I wonder if he ever went through a serious phase and told folks he was now going by Bill Wonka.

• I wonder if there was any confusion in the Swingin' '70s when Evel Knievel approached a pretty girl and asked if she'd let him jump her bones.

• The literalist in me becomes furious whenever he visits the National Museum of Air & Space and sees a building with walls and ceilings.

• That which does not kill you only makes you stronger and if this process is repeated enough eventually age and time combine to make you so frail you can die in your kitchen tripping over a kitten.

• From a purely fashion sense, is it accurate to refer to Mohammad Bin Salman Al Saud as the "crown" prince of Saudi Arabia when his head gear appears to be some form of hanky?

• What are you doing today to keep the happy parts of your brain engaged? I hope the answer isn't reading Facebook.

• Because most people only listen to 50 percent of what we're saying, I try and omit every other word so theoretically I'll have their full attention.

• Being "left to their own devices," once a stinging form of social abandonment, is now the preferred human activity.

• I admit to feelings of wistfulness over not having sired a son. These feelings pass when I realize a son would by now be asking me, "Daddy, would you help me secure my man bun?" And to my everlasting shame I'd feel obliged to assist.

• Halloween is the season when fundamentalists question the propriety of so much pagan idolatry. It's also the season when I question how come the words "evil" and "devil" don't rhyme.

• NASA probes continue to scan the cosmos for evidence of planets with life-sustaining water. Life-sustaining? Listen, I'm not going anywhere until they find a planet with life-sustaining pizza.

• I’m vowing my next book will be a hand’s-on guide to adhesives full of sticky samples so every honest review would have to say, "Couldn't put it down!”

• This is the time of year when the most avid baseball fans brag to other baseball fans they were able to stay awake for an entire baseball game. 

Making signed books special

(757 words)

It would be a total jerk move, but I often think about entering book stores and posing as another author to sign their books in ways that promote mine.

I’ve signed a lot of books in a lot of bookstores and never once has anyone asked me to prove I’m Chris Rodell. I could pose as any number of more successful authors and the book seller would cheerfully hand me a stack of books and leave me in peace for 30 minutes, free to drift around the store and snag any number of books by illustrious authors.

Then I can surreptitiously sign what I want and return the book to its shelf. That way prospective readers will open the book to find:

“I’ve sold 500 million books. I really don’t care if you make this 500,000,001. I’d rather encourage you to buy ‘The Last Baby Boomer,’ by local author Chris Rodell. He writes with wit and sparkle. You won’t be disappointed. His books are so magical they ought to be taught at Hogwarts!

J.K. Rowling

Or …

You really ought to consider buying ‘Use All the Crayons!’ by Chris Rodell. It’s so funny and soulful it makes me feel like giving up writing to go back to being a small town Southern lawyer struggling against — pick one — organized crime/corporate greed/racial injustice/fleshy temptation. But because people like you keep buying my books, I think I’ll just crank out another one about a small town Southern lawyer struggling against — pick one — organized crime/corporate greed/racial injustice/fleshy temptation.”

John Grisham

The vast majority of book buyers may find their books more compelling than mine, but no fair reader would say their signings are better than mine.

I’m one of those rare writers who puts as much thought into what he signs on the book title page as he does for things like actual book plot.

I have a John Grisham-signed book. Know what it says?

It says John Grisham

That’s it. I’m not even sure it’s him that signed it. For all I know he could have some intern who sits there all day signing “John Grisham” to an unknown percentage of the whopping 275 million he’s sold.

Buy from me a new “Growing Up in the REAL Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood: Life Lessons from the Heart of Latrobe, Pa,” and here’s what you get:

“There’s a happy place in every human heart where we’re all neighbors and everyone gets along. May you forever call it home.”

Takes me 45 seconds to sign one book like that.

I’ve sold/signed more than 350 copies since the book arrived Oct. 9. BTW, the average self-published book sells 250 over its lifetime so thanks to those of you who’ve helped make me above average in just 11 days.

 But 45 seconds. That’s 15,750 total seconds or about 4 1/2 hours writing the same 24 words over and over.

I’m reminded of Jack Torrance in “The Shining” maniacally stuck on “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” (10 words).

So why do it?

Because I think it matters. I think it makes the purchase more special and I think the message resonates with readers. 

See, I take what I do seriously. I don’t sit down to write a book with the idea of making a lot of money foremost in my mind.

Mission accomplished!

I want to enjoy the endeavor and I want the reader to feel enhanced by the purchase.

It’s why I sign the Palmer books, “This is NOT a golf book. This is a LIFE book.”

It’s why I sign “The Last Baby Boomers,” “May you truly live each and every moment right up until you truly don’t!”

And it’s why I should win some kind of award for signing the crayon books, “Never forget for even a single instant how many happy colors your life is forever adding to the lives of those you love. And remember, together we can all brighten the whole world!” (33 words).

Maybe someday I’ll be so consumed with success, my idea of an authorial book 

signing will be me scribbling my name in my books (2 words).

Until then I’ll continue signing my books in ways I believe will reach peoples’ hearts. 

And I’ll sign other authors’ books in ways I hope will eventually reach me in my wallet.

“To be or not to be? That is the question. But a better question would be, “Why aren’t you buying Chris Rodell’s book?”

Bill Shakespeare

Updated book signing schedule …

Oct. 26, Jeannette Public Library, 1 pm

Oct. 27, Ligonier Library, 2 pm

November 2, Greensburg-Hempfield Area Library, 2 pm

Nov. 4, Mt. Pleasant Public Library, 6 pm

Nov. 9, Vandergrift Public Library, noon

Nov. 12, Ohio Co. Public Library, Lunch w/ Authors, Wheeling, WV., noon

Nov. 14, Westmoreland Chamber of Commerce, noon, TBD

     

      Adams Memorial Library, Latrobe, 6 pm

Nov. 18, Murrysville Community Library, 6:30 pm

Nov. 19, New Florence Public Library, 7 pm

Nov. 22, Barnes & Noble, Greensburg (movie debut party)

Nov. 23, Barnes & Noble, Altoona, 1 pm

Nov. 24, Barnes & Noble, Monroeville 2 p.m.

Nov. 29, Tin Lizzy/Flappers Black Friday bar celebration, 7 pm

December 1, Barnes & Noble, Greensburg, 2 pm

Dec. 12, Upper St. Clair Library, 7 pm

Jan. 29, Bethel Park Library, 7 pm

Quick! Gimme $65. I need a new pen!

(734 words)

The clandestine meeting had been set for a public place. Consummation would take place out in the open, but among indifferent strangers.

This tete-a-tete had wholesome origins. My attractions bloomed at the Ligonier Farmer’s Market in early summer in the season of the rising sap.

Of course, I couldn’t let my wife know. I suspected she’d be very upset.

Turns out I was right.

Because in spite of all my painstaking deceptions, guess who also happened to be there at the Barnes & Noble café. It was Val

I was busted. Exposed. Caught with my proverbial pants down. 

The sap had risen and the sap was I.

“It’s not what you think,” I feebly mumbled.

Oh, but it was. The evidence was spread out all over the table.

World’s smallest hooker?

No, more than a dozen or lovely little Duckys.

Pervert? More like a penvert.

The object of my secret desire was not a wayward woman, but a refined, eye-catching luxury pen handcrafted by Dave “Ducky” Owen.

Another long string of my consumer deprivation appears to be drawing to a close. Interest in the new Fred Rogers book is high, sales brisk. So for now I’m flush. Still deep in debt from years and years of bone-headed decisions, but feeling the warm winds of momentary prosperity on my face.

And what’s the first thing you do when you have money burning a hole in your pants?

Yep.  Shop for asbestos underwear!

Then you splurge a bit.

It’s indicative of my station that my idea of a splurge isn’t a Ferrari, a Rolex or first class tickets to some place exotic.

No, mine is the uppity cousin to the humble Bic, a writing instrument that goes for $117.25 — for 300 of ‘em.

But each of those penny pens fulfills the same mission as the ballyhooed Aurora Diamante Fountain Pen, the world’s most expensive writing instrument. The pen is festooned with 30 carats of genuine De Beer's diamonds on a solid platinum barrel.

Out of my league. But that doesn’t mean I can aspire to upgrades.

I became a nice pen guy last year when I was enjoying some success with the Palmer book. A stranger had bought 30 copies to give to friends and stood there and watched me sign.

“I hope I’m not being rude,” he said, “but a great writer like you should be using a great writing instrument,” he said as I blushed at the heady compliment. From his shirt pocket, he pulled out a Cross Century Classic he said cost $130.

But his appeal to my fancy vanity took seed. I vowed when I reached a certain threshold I’d shop the Cross website for classy pens still affordable to a classless guy like me.

And I didn’t tell Val.

Wrong, I know. Spouses all tend secrets in order to avoid needlessly roiling matrimonial seas. Live down and desperate so long any item that’s perceived as extravagance can inflame ire, especially if it’s attained on the sneak.

And, geez, it wasn’t like I was concealing a ruinous coke habit (give it time).

Cross, by the way, produces a “Liberty Unlimited” line made from melted-down metals that include steel from illegal guns confiscated by the police: “Its purchase helps protect and educate kids who are growing up with gun violence.” 

I wish I could buy 1,000 of ‘em.

Anyway, my heart kindled a spark when I saw Owen peddling his pens, made right up the street in Greensburg. They’re magnificent. Plus, there’s a strong appeal to supporting the local guy, an instinct I’ll revisit in a few paragraphs. So, I decided to buy one to commemorate the release of the new book.

And I got busted. 

The pens were all over the table, price tags plainly visible (mine was $65). I felt bad. I’d disappointed her. Again.

But I love that pen. It’s just beautiful, worthy of a great writer — or at least of a writer who’s been told he’s great.

Now, I want you to pay for it.

If you like the blog, I ask you check out the new PayPal widget on the sidebar. Supporting the blog — through donations or book purchases -- has never been easier.

That way I can say with belated honesty the pen was a gift from benevolent blog readers out to express their gratitude.

In this case, it’s the write thing to do.

Related …

Pens vs. Sharks for Stanley Cup

We … all … needs … some … space

My new signature … it’s legible!

Banned from Latrobe C.C. ... Me!

(763 words)

The call informing me I was no longer welcome at Latrobe Country Club came coincidentally three years to the day after Arnold Palmer died. Now, that’s another thing I never thought I’d have in common with Ben Roethlisberger.

Ben was banned for refusing to sign autographs.

I was now being forbidden from signing them. I called the organizer of an area charity raising funds to fight the rare disease that killed his little boy and said, sorry, I can’t help.

Can anyone sense there are elements of over-reaction in this unfolding story?

Either way, we’re left with one of the most powerful and lucrative enterprises in sports business pitted against me, author of the blog that was recently named the “32nd Best Blog and Website for Amish Readers.”

How did we get here?

I’ve for more than 20 years enjoyed stellar two-way relations with leaders and rank-and-file employees of Orlando-based Arnold Palmer Enterprises. I liked them, they liked me. How much?

In 2012, I was feted at an interview/luncheon among eight company leaders where I was given a hand-shake deal on a job that would pay in the neighborhood of $70,000 plus benefits (see detail-laden link below).

And you need to understand the heirloom significance of the term “handshake deal” to the legend of Arnold Palmer. It’s foundational to his success and stature.

So did I get the job?

I don’t know.

It’s been seven years and I’ve yet to hear back. My calls and letters were all ignored. I think my wife still thinks I made the whole thing up.

I finally wrote about it in 2014, the day after I appeared in the wonderful Golf Channel documentary on Mr. Palmer.

My post was scathing. Sample line: “This isn’t behavior worthy of Arnold Palmer. This is behavior barely worthy of weasels.”

What was the reaction?

There was none. I continued to get all the opportunities I enjoyed prior to my bitter screed. In fact, an evident acclaim began to build around my Palmer Q & A’s, so much so that the vaunted chairman of APE invited himself into one of our last sessions, an imposing move that would have rattled less seasoned writers. 

His post-interview evaluation as he shook my hand (hand shake!): “They all said you were the best. They were right. Well done.”

No repercussions there. And there were none in September 2016 when a top Palmer company executive, grieving the legend's death three days prior, said, “Chris, you are the voice of Arnie’s Army.”

Google “Voice of Arnie’s Army.” You won’t get a network announcer, a Golf Channel executive or one of the flaccid sycophants from the tour press tent.

You get me. And that was a year before I wrote the book Jim Nantz said is “the best book anyone’s written about Arnold Palmer.”

Well, brace yourself, because The Voice has something that needs to be said. It is:

“No one who earns their living standing behind the name of Arnold Palmer should ever treat anyone the way Orlando-based representatives of APE have now twice and without apology treated me.”

This brings us to my second indiscretion (see second link). I used the blog to personally bash the Bay Hill director of golf. I was angry how he’d responded  to my Christmas week call of cheer with pouting complaints and surly threats.

I momentarily thought I’d called, not Arnold Palmer's club, but Sergio Garcia’s.

I let it slide for three months — didn’t want to do anything rash — before responding. Did I go too far? Probably. Was I justified? I think so.

I think it just galled me that people who are well-compensated to extol the values of Arnold Palmer fail to live up to them. My experience isn’t nearly as intense, but I still consider it a privilege to respond to strangers the way he would.

Especially at Christmas!

In lieu of that, how can we end this unseemliness?

Well, let me be the mature one.

First, I’ll not mention either incident again, despite provocations like today’s embarrassment, if my Bay Hill friend apologizes. He must have been having a bad day. No one rises to that professional elevation being the kind of jerk he was with me for two excrutiating minutes.

The second condition is even easier to settle. Just someone — anyone — from Orlando answer one question:

About that hand shake job offer, geez, when can I start?

I think a company like yours would love to employ at least one guy who really, really cares about responding to difficult situations the way most of us used to think Arnold Palmer would. 

Related …

The day Arnold Palmer’s people offered me a $70k-a-year job

I got screwed by Bay Hill … again!

Fall book signings in libraries, stores & bars

(730 words)

I had a friend ask me if I’d be going on a book tour to promote the October release of, “Growing Up in the Real Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood.”

I told him my book tour never ends. It’s me going from my office on the third floor at the Tin Lizzy down to the first floor to sell six, pop into Flappers to sell three, and then returning to the third floor again and again.

The tavern, so full of character (and characters), is like an interesting and reliable drinking buddy in my blog and books. And lots and lots of readers are eager to experience it.

I never meant for it to happen, but the result has enriched me both financially and personally.

In just the past month, readers from Pittsburgh, Harrisburg, York, Virginia, Tennessee and Florida have all popped in or called in advance to arrange a howdy. The mostly have area ties, but some go out their way to visit.

All are welcome under any circumstances, but I’m especially fond of the shy pop-ins. I hear the steps creaking as they make their tentative approach.

“Oh,” they’ll say, “we hope we’re not disturbing you.”

The exact wording allows me to break the ice with a self-deprecating joke:

“You’re too late,” I say, “I’ve been disturbed since 1992.”

That’s when someone suggested I’d make a fortune freelance writing.

I am very lucky.

Interest seems high. And the folks who’ve read the book have been complimentary. 

I am busy booking speaking engagements and am grateful to all the groups who are having me back so soon after the Palmer book talk. I know there are bound to be some rotarians who’ll be rolling their eyes when they see it’s me again with many of the same old jokes, the same old stories.

To them, I say …

“Just be glad you’re not my wife!”

From my pitch sheet:

“Part history, part biography, ‘Growing UP …’ is a freewheeling conversation about what makes this one small town so special. One big reason is Fred Rogers, a man visionary educators are beginning to equate with spiritual leaders like Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr. It tells the stories of couples he married, souls he saved and if calling him ‘Christ-like’ is blasphemous or accurate. It has previously untold stories of Rogers being a life-saving superhero and of him being perfectly human. It’s about how Latrobe influenced young Fred; how adult Fred influenced it; and how both influenced the author and the world. In a world that cries out for civility and healing, it’s the only book about Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood by an author who actually lives there.”

If you’re not tired of me and would like me to share my stories with your group — any group — please get in touch. I’ll travel pretty much all over western Pennsylvania.

Or you’re all welcome to come here to the Tin Lizzy. 

Successful authors enjoy book tours.

I’m satisfied being one of those authors where the book tours come to him.

Booked:

October 9, Life Options Pittsburgh (“Crayons!”)

Oct. 10, Riverstone Bookstore, McCandless Crossings, Pittsburgh (North Hills), 7 pm

Oct. 11-13, Ft. Ligonier Days, Second Chapter Books, Ligonier

Oct. 26, Jeannette Public Library, 1 pm

Oct. 27, Ligonier Library, 2 pm

November 2, Greensburg-Hempfield Area Library, 2 pm

Nov. 4, Mt. Pleasant Public Library, 6 pm

Nov. 9, Vandergrift Public Library, noon

Nov. 12, Ohio Co. Public Library, Lunch w/ Authors, Wheeling, WV., noon

Nov. 14, Westmoreland Chamber of Commerce, noon, TBD

     

      Adams Memorial Library, Latrobe, 6 pm

Nov. 18, Murrysville Community Library, 6:30 pm

Nov. 19, New Florence Public Library, 7 pm

Nov. 22, (tentative) Barnes & Noble, Greensburg (movie debut party)

Nov. 23, Barnes & Noble, Altoona, 1 pm

Nov. 29, Tin Lizzy/Flappers Black Friday bar celebration, 7 pm

December 1, Barnes & Noble, Greensburg, 2 pm

Dec. 12, Upper St. Clair Library, 7 pm

Jan. 29, Bethel Park Library, 7 pm