Tweets of the (last two) months

And now entirely without fanfare, here are the Tweets of the (last two) months ...

• Purely to satisfy my curiosity to how bitter partisans react to coincidental news, I'd like to see what supporters and antagonists say if a Storm(y) named Daniels made landfall at Mar-a-Lago. 

• If Trump says the hurricane is gonna hit Alabama then pucker up, Cotton State, and prepare to kiss yer asses goodbye

• It may be a vast over-simplication, but couldn’t global warming be eased if we simply moved Earth farther from the sun? I think if we synchronized our pushups on one side of the globe while everyone on the other side jumped up in the air …

• Given what I know about headline writers and how they strive for novelty, I predict this will be the week one of them crafts the line, "Another whistleblower provides vaping gun.”

•So many evil doers getting killed while committing heinous acts must mean Hell is getting full. That means long lines, shortages, frayed nerves. Imagine road rage in Hell. Now do something here to ensure you won't have to experience it.

• Better casting: The late Leslie Nielsen as Donald Trump or Donald Trump as the late Leslie Nielsen? The longer this goes on the more I wonder if POTUS is a hybrid of the two.

• Do Flat Earthers believe there are upside down people on the flip side or that it's just a bunch of roots and shit?

• Is it coincidence or puckishly deliberate that the federal meteorology department charged with forecasting devastating floods has a name that sounds like NOAH? #NOAA

• Rejoice our leaders are unafraid to stand up to the all powerful e-cigarette lobby in light of 6 nationwide vaping deaths. Rest assured if there's ever another unregulated product used to randomly slay innocents these portraits in courage will act swiftly to end the menace.

• I’ve never experienced love at first sight, but 5 or 6 times a day I'll catch the eye of some stranger and know -- just know -- we're destined to become drinking buddies.

• ”Laid up," is one of our oddest expressions because it usually means a convalescent incapable of getting up at all.  Laid down makes more sense. It gets even trickier anatomically speaking if you dare spell it "layed up" or "layed down.”

• A clear, sharp mind is a brute impediment to enjoying so much of life's wonder and whimsy. I'm glad that's not one of my problems.

• Proper grammar is the math of writing.

• You’d have to think Danish Haz-Mat teams would eventually lose their edge from responding to too many there's-something-rotten-in-Denmark false alarms.

• As monumental they were as a band, they couldn't have come up with a more fraudulent name. The never toured, never gigged a local bar. Hell, they never left the studio. Traveling Wilburys? Right. They were the Stationary Wilburys.

• It doesn't exactly equate to a Rosa Parks moment, but if I were a person of color I'd ask the podiatrist to think up another less Caucasian-sounding name for my littlest brown toe instead of “pinky."

• When I'm drinkin' dahntahn, I like a place with fries and slaw on the bread, HOF Stiller jerseys on the wall, etc. I want the full yinzer. Yes, I want n’atmosphere.

• I wonder if he ever went through a serious phase and told folks he was now going by Bill Wonka.

• I wonder if there was any confusion in the Swingin' '70s when Evel Knievel approached a pretty girl and asked if she'd let him jump her bones.

• The literalist in me becomes furious whenever he visits the National Museum of Air & Space and sees a building with walls and ceilings.

• That which does not kill you only makes you stronger and if this process is repeated enough eventually age and time combine to make you so frail you can die in your kitchen tripping over a kitten.

• From a purely fashion sense, is it accurate to refer to Mohammad Bin Salman Al Saud as the "crown" prince of Saudi Arabia when his head gear appears to be some form of hanky?

• What are you doing today to keep the happy parts of your brain engaged? I hope the answer isn't reading Facebook.

• Because most people only listen to 50 percent of what we're saying, I try and omit every other word so theoretically I'll have their full attention.

• Being "left to their own devices," once a stinging form of social abandonment, is now the preferred human activity.

• I admit to feelings of wistfulness over not having sired a son. These feelings pass when I realize a son would by now be asking me, "Daddy, would you help me secure my man bun?" And to my everlasting shame I'd feel obliged to assist.

• Halloween is the season when fundamentalists question the propriety of so much pagan idolatry. It's also the season when I question how come the words "evil" and "devil" don't rhyme.

• NASA probes continue to scan the cosmos for evidence of planets with life-sustaining water. Life-sustaining? Listen, I'm not going anywhere until they find a planet with life-sustaining pizza.

• I’m vowing my next book will be a hand’s-on guide to adhesives full of sticky samples so every honest review would have to say, "Couldn't put it down!”

• This is the time of year when the most avid baseball fans brag to other baseball fans they were able to stay awake for an entire baseball game. 

Tweets of the Month (again)

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• Just because I think it would be super fun to mess with 'em, I'm thinking of sending the SuperMax warden a sexy Rita Hayworth poster and asking him to give it to El Chapo.

• On this chilly winter day I just saw a man at the bus stop wearing nothing but a  musical bellows. He was dressed accordioningly.

• The American Flag: Three colors, countless threads.

• Huge faux pas with a friend I hadn't seen in years. Asked when the baby was due. So embarrassing. Not sure Burt'll ever speak to me again.

• What would happen to the criminal justice system if it was declared that from now on a "jury of our peers" was comprised entirely of the cheerful lunatics drawn from "The Price Is Right" studio audience?

• I’m going to name our next dog "Gusto" so I can spend my days lounging on my couch drinking beer and still contend I'm living with Gusto.

• My daughter, HS senior, is assigned a story on the best person in history. She asked my opinion. I told her Jesus Christ and August Anheuser Busch Sr. were too obvious. Best person in history? Jonas Salk.

• I hate it when my foot falls asleep and the stubborn rest of me refuses to take the hint.

• I sometimes wish I lived during an era when violence was still quaint and one man rattling one saber was alarming enough to become a catch phrase: "Beware: Burt's out saber-rattling again." Today Burt probably owns 30 AR-15s.

• It’s a pity to live in a time when as climate change warning bells toll their doom more people believe in science fiction than in science fact.

• There are evident novelty advantages to riding a magic carpet, but until they provide some necessary lumbar support the concept will always be flawed.

• We live in a time when being right or being wrong matters less than always having someone to blame when it all goes to hell.

• I don't believe it should be in anyway disqualifying but is it a problem when it's impossible to envision any of the candidates said to be throwing their hats in the ring ever even once wearing a hat?

• Many of the people who are opposed to building physical walls along the Mexican border are more than happy to construct truly ugly mental ones between themselves and the neighbors they see every day.

• The self-loathing true conservatives feel at supporting Trump must be akin to what dying vegetarians feel when they realize they’re about to turn zombie. 

• Who wants to bet that once/if we get to heaven, one of the most popular rec spots is a combo zoo/waterpark run by the Biblical Noah?

• Time, it is said with admiring wonder, can heal all wounds, a statement that seems to bestow time with god-like powers. Oh, yeah? I'd like to see time fix a busted watch.

• My wife is an editor. I am a writer. When I asked her to turn my comma into an exclamation point, she corrected me.

• I vow profound new respect for Robert Kraft, 77, if the prostitute he hired turns out to be his same age and police reports reveal they were listening to Glenn Miller records while they were doing it.

• With your typical polygamist, it's the more the marry-her.

• Momentarily wondered if Don Cheadle was nominated or had won before realizing my folly. Cheadles never win. 

• The best prosthetic salesmen and women are blessed with disarming personalities.

• Many men experience what is known as a mid-life crisis at about age 50. Math question: In heaven our souls are supposed to live for eternity. If there's such a thing as a mid-Afterlife crisis, when would it strike?

•  I’ve never once heard someone say, "I'm not a racist, but ..." without following up with something unbelievably racist. It would be like me saying, "Now, I'm not lazy ..." and immediately taking a nap.

Related … (Does anyone read these?)

Tweets of the Month, Feb. ’18

TotM, Feb. ’17

TotM, Feb. ’16

TotM. Feb. ’15

TotM. Feb. ’14

TotM, Feb. ’13

November Tweets of the Month (in the nick of time)

No preamble. No intro. No distractions. It’s Friday afternoon. The weekend is nigh. And I’m left to wonder how productive I’d out of necessity be if every moment of every working day were 10 minutes ’til the Happy Hour …

• It’s unfathomable to imagine how much better off the world would be if every time we felt moved by a good intention we acted on it.

• People who want to appear more colorful get tattoos. People who want to become more colorful get library cards.

• The ones who profess to know all the answers are usually the same ones who never bother to ask any of the questions.

• The difference between my friends from church and my friends from the bar is my friends from church say they're sinners and they're really nice people and my friends from bars say they're sinners and brag about it.

• Because fickle publishing industry insists it is looking for timeless books, my next novel is going to be about a broken clock.

• I wonder how guys like Bach and Beethoven reacted when during meltdowns someone told them to compose themselves.

• Thousand Oaks Strong. Pittsburgh Strong. Parkland Strong. Vegas Strong. How come with all this muscular strength all across the nation I'm always left feeling so weak?

• On most days, happiness and sadness are not emotions. They're decisions. Now, being an asshole, that's different. It's a pre-existing condition.

• I admire vegans, but the chances of me giving up meat are about the same as me resuming my virginity.

• Would you find the Bible more or less compelling if back in Biblical times rudimentary selfie technology had existed? Imagine some of Noah's selfies. 

• Your life will be appreciably more balanced & sane if you wake up each day realizing your job isn't nearly as important as you think it is.

• Experts say the world needs to prepare for a cashless society. If that's the case, I'm way ahead of the world. I haven't had any cash since I decided to become a writer.

• Perhaps I'm being too literal, but I have to think the nation of Togo must have really great take-out food.

• Didn’t really bother me when daughter said I was a "bad word." What did was the realization that I consider her a fine judge of character.

• With 55-inch large-screen TVs being among the most popular, I'm amazed how there are so many people who when it comes to current events still fail to see the big picture.

• Spent the last five nights in the woods dining on grubs, avoiding detection. Seven days before Thanksgiving and I'm already at DEFCON 4. Why the special ops training? Almost time for my annual War on Christmas! #HappyHolidays, my friends!

• I know next to nothing about sailing, but I know enough about basic zoology to surmise that on Noah's Arc every deck was a poop deck.

• Even serenely disposed Siamese twins find it impossible to be anything but beside themselves all the time.

• Man, the only animal who spends most of its time stationary on its butt, is also the only animal to spend billions each year on footwear.

• I wonder if cavemen and cavewomen woke up each morning and asked each other how they slept or if they had other priorities.

• The term "penniless" has lost all value for describing an impoverished individual. Probably been 20 years since Trump's even seen a penny.

• I wonder if the chariots from ancient Roman times had drink holders. Or maybe the'd yet to invent the sized lid/straw combo ...

• Even elderly donut makers wake up each morning knowing they have their hole lives ahead of them.

• How much more revelatory would Gospels be today had Jesus been subjected to the scrutiny of a Biblical times Facebook?

• On this day in 1969, Fantasy Records released the Creedence Clearwater Revival song "Proud Mary." She's been rollin' on the river ever since. This leads me to believe not only was Mary proud, she was also quite buoyant.

• I’d like to have been a fly on the wall to hear what His high school guidance counselor said when the teenage Jesus told him God said He was going to be the Savior.

• The difference between being grounded and being buried is sometimes grave.

• In sublime case of perfect timing the morning after an old buddy spent the night, the new Shaughnessy Bishop-Stall book "Hungover: The Morning After & One Man's Search for the Cure," arrives. I'll post more later. Not today. Today I'm hungover.

Related … 

November Tweets of the Month ’13

Nov. TooM ‘14

Nov. TotM. ‘15

Nov. TotM, ’16

February Tweets of the Month

No pre-amble today. Nothing but @8days2Amish tweets.

• The entirety of human history can be summed up thusly: One great, big over-reaction to one great, big over-reaction.

• Just to see if it'll catch on, I think I'm going to begin referring to the big toe as "foot thumb.”

• Every perfect parent understands the need to impart some daily imperfection so kids'll have someone to blame for their future flaws.

• What would we call men named Miles if we convert to the metric system?

• Realize even the most successful vegetable farmers are doomed to live in the seediest parts of town.

• ”Titanic" spoiler alert!: A girl whose name is pronounced “ROWS” is deemed save-worthy by lifeboat passengers.

• I’m going to name our next dog, "Gusto" so I can spend my days lounging on my couching drinking beer and still contend I'm living with gusto.

• ”Spare the rod, spoil the child" responsible for more Biblically-justified violence against innocents than any 6 words in history.

• What kind of emoji will you ask them to put on your tombstone when that becomes customary?

• I’m on fire to find a U.S. town named Heaven because I sense blazing opportunity to set up a match factory. #MatchMadeInHeaven

• As of today, I vow to no longer demonize those with whom I disagree. But be warned: I reserve the right to rascalize.

• Which of these two colossal oxymorons is more endangered of becoming extinct: common sense or common decency?

• Long as changing channels is easier than changing minds, watching TV will always be preferable to FB philosophizing 

• Putin must be feeling like I feel when wife says she's taking the kids to visit her sister the weekend March Madness kicks off.

• Charles Manson, 82, said to be near death. I'd like to hear if he thinks Paul McCarney jumped shark with "Having a Wondeful Christmastime.”

• We spend $ on salt to keep roads safe. Salt degrades roads. We spend $ to repair. Possible solution: Make roads out of salt. Needs study.

• How can it be that George Harrison is my favorite Beatle but isn't even my third favorite Wilbury?

• Many afraid of what Trump will do in his first 100 days have it wrong. Be terrified of what he'll do his last 100 days. 

• I was thinking how interesting these days will be to historians in 30 years. Then I realized in 30 years we may all BE history.

• Wonder if guys in heaven talk about earth bodies the way they talk about old cars: "It was bald, had a great big ass, tiny li’l pecker but, man, the thing got great mileage.”

• My desire to live a long time is at odds with my eagerness to donate all my still-healthy organs to needy less fortunates.

• We live in a time when being right or being wrong matters less than always having someone to blame when it all goes to hell. 

• Many of the people who are opposed to building physical walls along the Mexican border are more than happy to construct truly ugly mental ones between themselves and the neighbors they see every day.

• Insane too broad a term for rampant madness we see in society. Insane should be for people who are quietly crazy. Rest of us are outsane.

• Given the trajectory of human intellect, the only time everyone will be correct is when we're all wearing "I'm With Stupid" shirts.

• Saying anyone is a "real bitch" is real redundant. No one sets out to be a fake bitch.

• I’m one of those guys who loves the sound of leaves blowing along the ground, but hates the sound of leaf blowers.

• You can say obnoxious things about politics, criticize my character. But it won't be over 'til you offer me a pizza with pineapple on it.

• I wish I had time to watch more TV but, alas, I'm just a humble blogger trying to get by. It's not like I'm president of the United States.

• If "All You Need is Love" were re-written to your needs what would it be? Mine: "All You Need is Cadbury Eggs.”

• Only thing that eases my terrors at thought of robots taking over world is the realization that it will have to involve monkey robots, too.

• Like the pessimist, the optimist is wrong about 50 percent of the time. The difference? Optimist is cheerful 100 percent of the time.

Related … 

Tweets of the Month, Feb. ’16

Tweets of the Month, Feb. ’15

Tweets of the Month, Feb. ’14

Tweets of the Month, Feb. ’13

Re-Run Sunday: Searching for Mr. Stupid

I normally try and dig a little deeper than six or so months ago for Re-Run Sunday consideration. But I saw a surge of readers to this previously unread post from November 2011, "Searching for Mr. Stupid." It's very odd. Certainly we can't be running short on stupid.

But it pleases me to have this one find an audience after it was ignored on its premiere so giving it a mulligan today seemed like an intelligent thing to do.

By now many of you are familiar with my pretentious affections for my online subscription to the Oxford English Dictionary.

At $275 a year, it’s a true extravagance for any writer who works in a room with two dictionaries (hard- and soft covered), a laptop dictionary and a smartphone with near-instant access to a cornucopia of murky definitions.

But none of them measure up to the granddaddy of them all. The typical hardcover dictionary has about 150,000 definitions. The OED has more than 600,000. It strives to list every single word ever uttered and, yeah, I checked off all the Hall of Fame profanities the very first day.

I read it the way other people read Agatha Christie mysteries. I want to learn who done it. How words became words. And when they became words.

The dictionary lists as precisely as possible when a word became widespread enough for inclusion.

That’s how I became acquainted with the history of stupid.

According to the OED, stupid is only 470 years old. I thought stupidity was as old as Adam.

Check out the sentence used in 1541 to inaugurate stupid, attributed to a Mr. R. Copland who included the word in his book, “Galen’s Fourth Terapeutyk: “For the fyrste speake ouer lyghtly and to imprudently, and the other are all togyther stupydes, sturdy, & lytygious.”

Inserting that sentence into my otherwise pristine copy nearly caused my laptop spell checker to explode. The 19-word sentence includes seven modern misspellings.

Maybe Mr. R. Copland was stupid.

I was hoping stupid was an eponym -- a name derived from a person. Then I could learn more about Mr. Stupid. In fact, it might have inspired me to write a dandy History Channel documentary, “A Man Named Stupid.”

Here’s a factoid to brighten your day: money was named for Thomas le Mony who lived way back in the 13th century, when it must have cost, gee, one egg to fill up your whole tank.

So money was in effect coined for Mony. How rich!

Assuming he was generous it would have been good to have been neighbors with Mony, at least until the 99 percent showed up to occupy and crap all over his yard.

Words spelled by smart people were what led me to look up stupid.

In this November 8 post about Herman Cain’s follies, I wrote about the times when my old newspaper asked me to chaperone spelling bee contestants to the National Spelling Bee in Washington. I needed some examples of winning words and found a list of every winner since it all BEE-gan back in 1925.

Recent winning words include “cymotrichous” and “stromuhr,” examples too obscure and frightening for even word nerds like me to look up.

But what most struck me about the list was the steep increase in the degree of difficulty of winning words over the past 86 years.

Early winners were “fracas,” “interning,” “therapy,” and “initials.”

Can you believe it?

Turns out The Greatest Generation had weak vocabularies.

In fact, I’ve seen “fracas” on my daughter’s 5th grade spelling tests.

Guaranteed, there’s no way our nation’s best spellers from past decades could have conquered “rageshree,” “ramachandran,” “pratyush,” or “shivashankar.”

Don’t beat yourself up if those four mentions leave you scratching your head. They’re not spelling bee words. Those are actual names of some recent winners.

Kids named Bob Smith or Sue Miller have been getting drummed out in the early rounds.

So, speaking of Mony, it’s another day, another dollar here in Blogland.

I wonder if by spending my time doing things like this will one day lead to my name being included for posterity in some prominent dictionary.

“rodell, v., U.S.A., 2011: A nonsensical use of time. Example: “I rodelled the whole day away looking up stupid things in the dictionary.”