I won’t be surprised if the tweet of the year was composed at 6:57 a.m. on January 2. It’s the one right up top about tangents with tan gents. I just love that one. But who knows? I could be within mere moments of composing a tweet so profound, so monumental that the whole rest of twitter just gives up. Yeah, even Trump.
I wonder if there’ be some sort of prize for that. You’d think, wouldn’t you?
• It could be damaging to a woman's reputation if she gets off on too many tangents with too many tan gents.
• I wonder if temperature in heaven is individualized or if some old ladies complain it's always too cold & bundle up in sweaters.
• If heaven is all it's cracked up to be then shouldn't we feel foolish telling survivors of grisly events, "Man, you're lucky to be alive." Kind of by comparison makes heaven sound like a Motel 6.
• It should be in the Constitution that nobody should be allowed to hold elective office unless he or she can prove they once held a job that required them to wear a name tag.
• I was just in my mind listing the 5 most influential people from my life; 4 of them are bartenders. It’s all starting to make sense.
• Time for my annual Super Bowl prediction. Here goes ... Los Angeles 61, New England 39. Remember, those aren't scores. Those are the forecast highs for both cities at kickoff.
• Thrilled, humbled to have been invited to deliver the commencement address for Adelphoi Village School here in Latrobe. Know what this means? I touch the future! Tomorrow's leaders will be relying on my words, my ideas! I say that while acknowledging I don't remember who spoke at my commencement, what he or she said or if I even attended …
• Go ahead & vent. To hell with your neighbor. To hell with tact. I'll not judge you ... I'll leave that to Winston Churchill: "I have often noticed when political controversy becomes excited persons of choleric dispositions and limited intelligences are apt to become rude."
• Reading is maybe the one passion that’ll ensure you’ll never need friends while assuring you’ll always have as many friends as you wish.
• Optimists understand phrase "familiarity breeds contempt" is not absolute. Often is the case that familiarity breeds family.
• I’d like to see how a Geiger counter reacts if you take one to a Geiger family reunion.
• I’m intelligent enough to appreciate the contradiction of being a man who fancies himself an intellectual while simultaneously becoming furious at the failure to successfully complete the marshmallow maze on the back of the Lucky Charms cereal box.
• I’m confused about suggestions that Coast Guard personnel host garage sales to minimalize shut-down inconveniences. Coast Guard vessels have garages?
• New neighbor told me she loves it here. "Everyone is so nice," she gushed. Told her if that's the way she feels she’s yet to meet everyone.
• I find some lies too soul-enriching to resist. For instance: Carly Simon told me I was the inspiration for her hit, "Nobody Does It Better." But that's not a lie. It really happened. It did! Right @CarlySimonHQ? Right?
• Teaching your children to seek out the insights of interesting people is easy. The challenge is teaching them that EVERY person is in some way interesting.
• I’m on the verge of proving once and for all my office plants are talking to one another. But every time I get close enough to record the conversation the bully ficus says, "Shut up! Here he comes again!" I'll not rest until I get conclusive evidence. Won't work either.
• I remember seeing a story that asked prominent writers to name works they wish they'd written. Answers included "To Kill a Mockingbird," "Grapes of Wrath," etc. Me? I wish I'd coined the phrase "Butt dial.”
• Astronomers calculate Earth is 92,960,000 miles from the sun. I stepped outside today and I swear it feels more like 92,960,002.
• My devotion to recycling is so emphatic I hope to one day create a sweater made entirely of warm belly button lint.
• I’m so cheap I wish Latrobe had a Dutch restaurant so I could invite my wife to dinner and say, "Let's go Dutch!" and get out of paying.
• I haven't been following the news very closely. But all I hear is cave, cave, cave. Is that in addition to the wall? I don't see how caves are going to help border security, but it's very confusing.
• What kind of emoji will you ask them to put on your tombstone when that becomes customary?
• I vow to continue saying 'Happy New Year!' right up thru July 5 when it'll once again become seasonally appropriate to resume saying, "Merry Christmas!”
• I hate it when I fake a mild cold to get out of some petty obligation and people look and me and say, "Yeah, you look terrible! I'll call 911. There's something really wrong with you. You oughta be quarantined! Medic! Medic!" Makes me sick.