Making signed books special

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It would be a total jerk move, but I often think about entering book stores and posing as another author to sign their books in ways that promote mine.

I’ve signed a lot of books in a lot of bookstores and never once has anyone asked me to prove I’m Chris Rodell. I could pose as any number of more successful authors and the book seller would cheerfully hand me a stack of books and leave me in peace for 30 minutes, free to drift around the store and snag any number of books by illustrious authors.

Then I can surreptitiously sign what I want and return the book to its shelf. That way prospective readers will open the book to find:

“I’ve sold 500 million books. I really don’t care if you make this 500,000,001. I’d rather encourage you to buy ‘The Last Baby Boomer,’ by local author Chris Rodell. He writes with wit and sparkle. You won’t be disappointed. His books are so magical they ought to be taught at Hogwarts!

J.K. Rowling

Or …

You really ought to consider buying ‘Use All the Crayons!’ by Chris Rodell. It’s so funny and soulful it makes me feel like giving up writing to go back to being a small town Southern lawyer struggling against — pick one — organized crime/corporate greed/racial injustice/fleshy temptation. But because people like you keep buying my books, I think I’ll just crank out another one about a small town Southern lawyer struggling against — pick one — organized crime/corporate greed/racial injustice/fleshy temptation.”

John Grisham

The vast majority of book buyers may find their books more compelling than mine, but no fair reader would say their signings are better than mine.

I’m one of those rare writers who puts as much thought into what he signs on the book title page as he does for things like actual book plot.

I have a John Grisham-signed book. Know what it says?

It says John Grisham

That’s it. I’m not even sure it’s him that signed it. For all I know he could have some intern who sits there all day signing “John Grisham” to an unknown percentage of the whopping 275 million he’s sold.

Buy from me a new “Growing Up in the REAL Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood: Life Lessons from the Heart of Latrobe, Pa,” and here’s what you get:

“There’s a happy place in every human heart where we’re all neighbors and everyone gets along. May you forever call it home.”

Takes me 45 seconds to sign one book like that.

I’ve sold/signed more than 350 copies since the book arrived Oct. 9. BTW, the average self-published book sells 250 over its lifetime so thanks to those of you who’ve helped make me above average in just 11 days.

 But 45 seconds. That’s 15,750 total seconds or about 4 1/2 hours writing the same 24 words over and over.

I’m reminded of Jack Torrance in “The Shining” maniacally stuck on “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” (10 words).

So why do it?

Because I think it matters. I think it makes the purchase more special and I think the message resonates with readers. 

See, I take what I do seriously. I don’t sit down to write a book with the idea of making a lot of money foremost in my mind.

Mission accomplished!

I want to enjoy the endeavor and I want the reader to feel enhanced by the purchase.

It’s why I sign the Palmer books, “This is NOT a golf book. This is a LIFE book.”

It’s why I sign “The Last Baby Boomers,” “May you truly live each and every moment right up until you truly don’t!”

And it’s why I should win some kind of award for signing the crayon books, “Never forget for even a single instant how many happy colors your life is forever adding to the lives of those you love. And remember, together we can all brighten the whole world!” (33 words).

Maybe someday I’ll be so consumed with success, my idea of an authorial book 

signing will be me scribbling my name in my books (2 words).

Until then I’ll continue signing my books in ways I believe will reach peoples’ hearts. 

And I’ll sign other authors’ books in ways I hope will eventually reach me in my wallet.

“To be or not to be? That is the question. But a better question would be, “Why aren’t you buying Chris Rodell’s book?”

Bill Shakespeare

Updated book signing schedule …

Oct. 26, Jeannette Public Library, 1 pm

Oct. 27, Ligonier Library, 2 pm

November 2, Greensburg-Hempfield Area Library, 2 pm

Nov. 4, Mt. Pleasant Public Library, 6 pm

Nov. 9, Vandergrift Public Library, noon

Nov. 12, Ohio Co. Public Library, Lunch w/ Authors, Wheeling, WV., noon

Nov. 14, Westmoreland Chamber of Commerce, noon, TBD

     

      Adams Memorial Library, Latrobe, 6 pm

Nov. 18, Murrysville Community Library, 6:30 pm

Nov. 19, New Florence Public Library, 7 pm

Nov. 22, Barnes & Noble, Greensburg (movie debut party)

Nov. 23, Barnes & Noble, Altoona, 1 pm

Nov. 24, Barnes & Noble, Monroeville 2 p.m.

Nov. 29, Tin Lizzy/Flappers Black Friday bar celebration, 7 pm

December 1, Barnes & Noble, Greensburg, 2 pm

Dec. 12, Upper St. Clair Library, 7 pm

Jan. 29, Bethel Park Library, 7 pm

Oakmont Library tonight! My book signings from cerebral to sudsy ...

It was in 2008 when I was interviewing Arnold Palmer coincidentally the day before I was to play Oakmont Country Club, regarded by experts as one of the toughest golf courses on the planet.

I told Palmer I’d be playing there and asked if he had any suggestions for how I could get a good score the next day.

“If you’re really concerned about getting a good score,” he said, “I suggest you play someplace else.”

That’s just one of the stories I’ll be telling this evening at The Oakmont Library from 6 to 8 p.m. Stop by if you’re near. These talks get happy reactions from the audiences and I wind up selling lots and lots of books, which leads to happy reactions from me.

Here’s a partial list of what I have going on through Father’s Day.

• Thursday, 10 p.m., KDKA-AM 1020, The John McIntire Show — I’ve been doing John’s show for 15 years now and it’s always a treat. So you Penguin fans will have a choice: Me and John or Sid and Geno. 

• May 8, noon, Ligonier Rotary, Dave & Carol’s Roadhouse — I was given the option to talk about the new Palmer book or “Use All The Crayons!” I chose … “Crayons!” It’s still such a fun talk to give and as of now I have more copies of “Crayons!” to sell so there are logistical considerations. 

• May 9, noon, Latrobe Rotary, DeNunzio’s Restaurant — This will be the first serious run-through of the Palmer talk, and it’ll be in front of a roomful of supporters so it should be a real confidence boost. One problem: Most of these friends have already purchased multiple copies of “Palmer: Homespun.” Will the talk be a success if it gets great reaction but few sales? I think so.

• May 10, noon, Westmoreland County Chamber of Commerce, Fred Rogers Center, St. Vincent College — I’m so confident this one will go well and am so pleased with the audience and the venue, I’ve hired a friend to film it. My hope is to get a bunch of YouTube videos like this one. 

• May 12, 10 a.m. to 4 p.m., Altoona Book Festival, Altoona Library — A reporter from the Altoona Mirror is doing a story on me that will run the day before this event. I’m excited. Could be very good.

• May 17, noon, Good Guys Social Club, TGIFridays, Bethel Park — This is Pittsburgh Pride author Jim O’Brien’s social club. There will be about 50 men there and if my ’16 appearance is any indicator, I’ll sell a lot of books. Audience will include former Pirate manager Jim Leyland and announcer Lanny Frattare.

• May 17, 6 p.m., Adams Memorial Library, Latrobe — Yes, it’s doubleheader day! Very eager for this home game. Again, lots of friends.

• May 19, 2 p.m. Barnes & Noble, Greensburg — These always feel like a big deal to me. Some go well, some don’t. The store manager says she’s ordering 25 copies of “Palmer: Homespun.” Sounds about right but, just in case, I’m bringing along another 25 in my trunk.

• May 29, noon, Ohio County Public Library, Wheeling, WV — This will be my third time with them at their “Lunch With Authors” event. It’s always a big deal. I really enjoy it and have both times left feeling like I’d robbed a bank. I’ll sell lots of books here.

• May 31, 7 p.m., Mt. Lebanon Public Library — With old school friends, neighbors and all Mom’s chums from church I’m expecting a riot. A very polite riot, but a riot nonetheless.

• June 7, 6 p.m., Carnegie Library, West End — I have no idea what to expect here. It could be 30 or it could be 3. Either way, I’ll walk out the door with at least one new friend.

• June 8, 6 to 9 p.m., Cooperstown Social Club, Latrobe — Kevin Smetak runs this historic club. He is a big and enthusiastic supporter of me and my books. I’m proud to have him as my friend. He’s cajoled Yuengling Beer to sponsor my book signing! I have a lot of friends at The Coop and am optimistic we’ll have a good time this night. 

• June 14, 6 to 9 p.m., Flappers at The Tin Lizzy, Youngstown — Ever dreamed of drinking an Arnold Palmer while you’re buying a book about Arnold Palmer in a building Arnold Palmer spent time in his whole life? Well, your dreams are a lot different than mine. But I spend a lot of time in Flappers (one floor below my office) and bartender Zach Starrett suggested the dual promotion might be a winner. I think he’s correct.

Hope to see you at one of the public events. If that’s not possible and you’re eager to buy a book, please stop in at The Tin Lizzy and bang on the ceiling. I’ll be happy to come down and visit. 

Book signings: Mine & Springsteen's

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The midnight text message was perfectly enigmatic: Could I be in Cincinnati in 12 hours?

It was from my buddy Quinn. He lives in Columbus, owns a bar, knew Stones saxophonist Bobby Keys, has a kick-ass band and remains single (one divorce) at the age of 50.

If there was a Quinn poster it’d be hanging in my office and I’d right now be staring dreamily at it.

Why Cinci? I texted back.

“Book signing.”

I told him I was flattered, but I didn’t think driving five hours would be worth it. I doubted I’d sell 10 books.

I didn’t learn ’til much later it was not my book signing.

It was Bruce Springsteen’s.

Quinn’d snagged some tickets to meet Springsteen while he’s promoting his new “Born to Run” book, currently ranked No. 21 on amazon or 139,920 slots higher than my new book.

So I snoozed through a chance to meet the Boss.

I tried in hindsight to think of what could have happened had I been more spontaneous.

Bad things could have happened: My vehicle could have bombed. My wife would have been furious at my perpetual whimsy. I could have gotten really drunk with Quinn.

Good things could have happened: I could have met Springsteen. He could have taken a shine to me and written a song about “The Last Baby Boomer.” I could have gotten really drunk with Quinn.

Good and bad things could have happened: I could have been enslaved by a roving band of gypsy hookers who were fond of Quinn and were driving me to his bar where we’d all get drunk together.

Instead of any of that I stayed home and composed this tweet: “I have to imagine any nation named Togo has really great take-out food.”

It’s no “Jungleland,” but it only took me a sec.

Would I drive to Cinci to sign books?

I would not. It wouldn’t be worth it.

I will drive to Altoona tonight. I’ll be at the area Barnes & Noble from 6 to 9.

How many books will I sell? Maybe 10. Maybe 3.

When many people say they want to be writers, what they really mean is they want to be John Grisham or J.K. Rowling.

No one says they want to be me.

By coincidence, my favorite cinematic depiction of an actual book signing was just on and — surprise! — it’s part of a horror movie.

It’s “1408” starring John Cusack as spirit-debunking writer Mike Enslin. It’s a very good scary flick about how a skeptical Enslin stays in the purportedly haunted room 1408 in New York’s Dolphin Hotel.

It’s a Stephen King story, scary as hell.

But I find one part of it very funny and relatable.

It’s an early scene where Enslin walks into a big chain book store for a heavily promoted book signing.

The scene shows an engaged Enslin explaining how hauntings often have reasonable explanations. The next shot is from Enslin’s POV. His audience is four people scattered among about 30 empty seats.

Boy, does that ring a bell.

I remember one other time the store manager took me clear to the back of the building where they kept unsold volumes devoted to things like Mayan architecture.

Not one person stopped at my table for three hours.

If I hadn’t become an expert on Mayan architecture it would have been a complete waste of time.

So why keep doing these signings?

Because sometimes you sell 20 books or sometimes you sell just one, but it’s to the right person.

That’s what happened in Greensburg two years ago. A woman heard me speak at the local library. She was one of about a dozen people on a miserable February day.

She liked what she heard so much she bought 250 books to distribute to WVU students the day she hired me to come speak to her students. Got a hefty speaking fee, too.

Maybe something like that’ll happen tonight in Altoona. Maybe not.

But I can pretty much guarantee I’ll sell a bunch of books Friday at the Tin Lizzy (5 to 9 in Flappers; party upstairs afterwards). And it’ll be a lot of fun.

Some writers are born to run.

Some of us are content to slump in our bar stools.

Tramps like us hope we’ll see you Friday at the Tin.

Related …

My most humiliating book signing ever

Bar book signing Thursday!

Book signing recap & The Great Chris Rodell

I’ll be wrapping today at B&N … or is it rapping?

Bullies, my ‘stache and insane reaction to my speech

How to review “Last Baby Boomer” and 14 who’ve praised it

RIP Bobby Keys: Is this his last song?

Upcoming book signings including Tin Lizzy Friday!

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A quiz: Which of the three book signings over the next seven days will most likely result in me needing a designated driver?

a: City Books, tomorrow, 1 to 2 p.m., 908 Galveston Ave., North Side, Pittsburgh, for Small Business Saturday.

b: Barnes & Noble, Altoona, Thursday, December 1, 5 to 8 p.m.

c: Tin Lizzy, Friday, December 2, 5 to ?

Okay, it’s a trick question.

I should have a designated driver for all three.

“Ran into a chum with a bottle of rum and we wound up drinking all night.”

That’s a line Jimmy Buffett wrote in 1976 when I was in the 7th grade. It describes,  perhaps coincidentally, something that’s happened to me on a near weekly basis since, oh, the 8th grade.

So all three book signings might lead to prudent designated driver involvement.

Of course, the Friday one’s the likeliest.

It will be Friday at the Tin Lizzy, the building that houses my office and, again perhaps coincidentally, three full-service taverns.

Sounds like a recipe for boozin’ to me!

So how did this happen?

Well, there’s lots of flattering local interest in my books. Word-of-mouth is really strong. Near daily someone is getting in touch about gift purchases.

The great thing is selling books in person is to many a social occasion.

Some friends from New Kensington ordered eight books. I thought we’d have to mail them but, wait, the husband would be in Greensburg Tuesday morning getting a fancy undercoat at TST Inc. Could I meet him at 11 a.m.? 

Certainly. I figured it would be a quick howdy and catch up and I’d be home by lunch.

Wrong. He brought cigars!

So right there in the parking lot we had a good long smoke. It was wonderful.

Had either of us thought to bring a cooler we’d have both missed dinner.

You just can’t enjoy that kind of one-on-one experience with a typical PayPal transaction.

That was one of the points I tried to make with Buck, the Tin Lizzy owner and my office landlord here since July 2015.

Ours is a complicated relationship. He’s supportive of my books while being bitterly disparaging about things like my haircut and my custom of wearing the same old flannel shirt four or five days in a row.

I admire a man who sees no irony in dressing daily like a guy who’s about to gut a deer lecturing me about fashion.

But we both enjoy philosophy and believe sobriety can be an unnecessarily cruel impediment to free thinking. 

Truly, I could spend all day drinking and BSing with a man like Buck, which makes me the perfect tenant for a bar owner who profits from mindsets like mine.

Still, I admit to a certain nervousness when I broached the notion of having a book signing at his bar. I wanted convincing arguments.

I told him lots of people are looking for special gifts and that signed books by a local author would be perfect. I said enthusiastic social media would help spread the word. I said how many people would use the occasion to buy books and enjoy dinner and drinks right here at the historic Tin Lizzy.

The only reason I didn’t resort to fancy pie charts was I didn’t have time to drive to the fancy pie shoppe in Laughlintown.

When I finished my presentation, I asked Buck what he thought.

“I don’t give a ‘darn’ what you do,” he said.

I’m paraphrasing his exact words because I wouldn’t want him to get in trouble with the LCB when it learns one of its licensees uses potty talk.

So I hope you’ll stop by in City Books Saturday, Altoona on Thursday, and right here at the Tin Lizzy on Friday. I’ll be stationed in Flappers on the second floor from 5 to about 9.

Buck said it was okay, too, to have a post-signing party up here on the exclusive third floor. We can make a night of it.

Oh, and about an hour after he gave the green light to my idea, I had one more question for Buck: Had he given any thought to what he’d wear Friday for my book signing?

He told me, yes, but I’m convinced it’d be impossible to artfully paraphrase the storm of profanity that greeted my question.

Let’s just say he’ll be wearing clothes.

Related …

Visit Tin Lizzy today! An advertorial praising my hosts

My new office!

Blog tourists coming to Youngstown

I’m lovin’ cornhole! Who wants to join me?

My history of drinking at/near work

Someone stole Buck’s book from the Tin Lizzy!

I am America’s drinking buddy