Wednesday, January 31, 2024

Tweets of the New Year!


I’d like to grant doctors the power to evaluate patients so that we’d hear more diagnoses like: “Well, the good news is the  operation was a success. You’re going to be fine. The bad news is unless you cut back on the volume and partisan stridency of all your non-stop political talk, everyone’s gonna think you’re still an asshole.”

• Teen daughter expressed irritation that I’d repeated myself by asking yet again if she had any homework. I told her not to be too harsh. Every parent asks pointless questions hoping they'll lead to a gusher of other revelations about her dreams, her loves and heartaches. I’m hoping that innocuous question will lead to her knowing she has a father who truly loves her and if he’s being honest really just doesn’t give a shit whether she has homework or not.

• I understand it's not the sort of behavior anyone should be encouraging, but there is something so compelling about the drunken, shirtless NFL fan in freezing weather I find incredibly riveting. There has to be a way to factor their idiocy into game outcome. But should team should be penalized or rewarded for inspiring such cheerful self-destruction?

• I've always enjoyed the Hall & Oates version of "You've Lost that Lovin' Feelin'," but lately and in light of their creative and financial estrangement, hearing it makes me uncomfortable. I just imagine them singing, not to the pop audience, but soulfully to one another. I just hope those kids can work it all out.

• What kind of multiple spiritual crises must a seeker endure to become a Born-Again Atheist?

• It's never led me to riches or anything remotely like traditional success, but I like the way my brain works. I especially like it when it takes the time to inform the rest of me that it's worked hard enough and it's time to get its ass atop the nearest barstool. Like right about ... Now!

• As I don't foresee us bridging our political divides, I ask that you join me in finding consensus that if the aliens show up and demand, "Take me to your leader," we just trash protocol and take them straight to this guy … (Mick Jagger)

• We live in a age where many of the people who declare themselves perfectionists often misspell the word.

• It's something the historians never discuss, but can you imagine the social upheaval when the first caveman installed the first cave door. Boy, the neighbors must've been abuzz. "Did you get a load of what the Groks did? The fancies put a door on their cave. Now if you want to see them you have to knock or ring the door bell that came with it." But the very next day, everyone had to have a  door. From Dire Straits (Telegraph Road): "Then came the churches, then came the schools. Then came the lawyers. Then came the rules." Imagine a world without doors.

• Is it "kit and caboodle" or "kitten caboodle?" Kit and caboodle makes more sense because it means the whole thing. But what the hell is a caboodle? It's not an Etsy category. I wonder if caboodle is what falls off and rolls away when a male kitten hits cat puberty.

• Check out my new feet! Surgery went fine. Pain-inducing hardware from a botched ’21 operation was removed. And the cosmetic enhancement I sought was addressed and I now have the dainty tootsies of a teenage foot model. An African-American teenage foot model. Yes, it’ll be jarring if you ever see me at the beach, but I saw the African-American option on the menu and just couldn’t resist impulsively checking the box.

• It’d be interesting to time travel back to the Stone ages and interview the first gay cave man. When did it occur to him he was interested in other cave men? How did he let the other cave men know? And were there prejudicial discriminations? Then it’d be fun to talk to the second gay cave man and learn how the whole thing was explained to him, what kind of questions did he ask, and if he ever explained the whole thing to his cave wife.

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