Wednesday, September 27, 2023

LBGTQ & how we no longer lose our virginity


(590 words)

So I was sitting here in my shabby little office the other day thinking about sex. This is a not uncommon scenario. 

I think about sex a lot.I think about last time I had some. How good it was. And, good or bad (irrelevant) , how soon before I’ll be getting some more.

What am I supposed to think about? The Oxford comma?

I don’t think I think about sex in an unhealthy way. I mean sex isn’t all I think about.

Sometimes I think about pizza, too. Curiously, when I think about pizza, I think many of the same questions I think when I think about sex.

 When was the last time I had some? How good was it? And, good or bad (irrelevant), how soon before I’ll be getting some more.

But just the other day, a new thought broke through the mental clutter with a question that had nothing to do with either me getting my jollies or me indulging in nutritionally desolate artery cloggers.

The question is …

How are kids losing their virginity these days?

The answer is more complicated than you might think.

It has to do with the eagerness of today’s open-mined youth to align themselves with the LBGTQ movement — and one of these days I’m going to see how Wordle responds if I type LBGTQ in for my first guess.

In fact, the most up-to-the-moment designation is LGBTQQIP2SA, which represents Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Questioning, Intersex, Pansexual, Two-Spirited and Asexual.

LIST GLOBS, SALT PIQS and BAGI SAPS  are just some of the nonsense words you can spell using those letters.

But, to me, what I see it spelling is TROUBLE. Not for me.

For my penis!

I exaggerate for effect, but when you break it down, for many of these affiliates, a functioning penis is no longer necessary in losing one’s virginity.

There’s a certain fairness to this.

After all, if two enthusiastic and monogamous lesbians fall in love and spend their lives together, rich lives filled with physical romance, can you really call them virgins?

At what point is virginity lost? For dudes it would seem clear cut. Like when Adam and Eve were alone to frolic in paradise, interrupted only when they bickered over things like Trump. You just let nature take its course.

It’s been that way for heterosexuals ever since but as the number of sexual farm teams expanded it seems the idea is losing its quaintness.

Can a gay man lose his virginity, but not a lesbian? And how fair is this? It could be anatomically argued that same gay man could lose two virginities. On the same night!

What about an Intersexer or a Pansexer? And someone will have to explain both terms to me. For all I know, I might have been a lusty Pansexer right up until I became a father.

I asked a young hipster what she thought about it, all the confusion, all the blurred lines.

Her thoughtful answer struck me as the perfect mindset to keep the fraught topic from driving you nuts.

“Losing your virginity is just a concept.”

Far out

The whole topic convinces me that my clever Harry Houdini line shall remain relevant for years to come. It is …

“History books show it took Harry Houdini fewer than 4 minutes to escape from a straight jacket. 

“I have to imagine escaping from an LBGTQ jacket would be a whole lot more complicated.”

Well, that’s it for today. Almost time for lunch.

I’m all of a sudden thinking pizza.

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