Sunday, May 31, 2020

May tweets: Serious, silly & sexy (1)

• Conservative whites who become livid when wished Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas think liberal blacks over-reacting about unarmed blacks getting murdered by conservative whites.

• Leonardo da Vinci said, “The  human foot is a masterpiece of engineering and a work of art.” Given the scope of his admirations it’s surprising his most famous work is Mona Lisa and not Mona Lisa’s feet.

• I remain baffled that the tasteless phrase "wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers" persists. I've never encountered a gent so refined as to ask any cracker-eating female to leave his bed once she got in. In fact, if there were two willing women and one had crackers and the other did not, and he had to pick one or the other, guaranteed, most men would invite the one with the crackers to get in. Lesson: if you're a woman prone to promiscuity always, just in case, keep a sleeve of crackers handy.

• I awoke from a dream it was the night before when I'd awoken from a dream it was the night before. Now I'm confused about what day it is, if I'm asleep or awake or if I exist at all. I'd ask fellow quarantinies to pinch me but fear inviting violence could escalate …

• There's something so unnerving about being engaged in a life-and-death struggle against an enemy our soldiers can't confuse or infuriate with a well-timed moon.                                                                                                                                                        

• People strum guitars. A guitar is an inSTRUMent. Which word came first?

• In light of our reckless eagerness to end prudent safety measures, I'll as of today cease writing "Stay safe!" and will instead begin concluding my correspondence with, "... and try not to make out with anyone too suspicious!”
• Yet another work week has passed and I still don't know what avowed nudists wear for Casual Fridays.

• Have you used your quarantine time wisely? Learned a new language? Fixed up the basement? No? There's still plenty of time to change the world. How? Write a letter to someone who made a difference in your life. A teacher. An aunt. An old lover. You'll change the world.

• Think of all the food you ate over the last 24 hours. Was any of it free? Now think of all the media you consumed to feed your brain. Did you pay even a dime for any of it? Donations always welcome at

• I so dislike being vertical I'm thinking of having a surgically-inserted kick stand so I can always lean without fear of falling over.

• One benefit about being carefree is serious people never look at you and say, "Hon, let's go sit next to that guy. He looks real serious, too.”

• Leaders of most major religions preach peace and the breaking of breads; many congregants choose hate and the breaking of heads.

• I wonder how much it'll dismay future historians to have to type the phrase, "... then President Trump tweeted …"

• Trump supporters who think everything will be fine if he "just stops tweeting" crack me up.

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