Wednesday, June 11, 2008

The Future of Sex

I saw this story in my files from a few years ago. It's another orphan that never ran anywhere despite feverish and optimistic pitching.But includes some funny stuff, some of which I believe will prove me prophetic.

As I’m as yet unable to ascertain the prurience of the readership for this fledgling blog, I’m omitting the really dirty items. If I determine that the readers have minds as filthy as mine, I’ll post them all later.

2010 -- Jesus returns and informs stunned believers that the Ten Commandments contained an embarrassing typo. “It should read, ‘Thou shalt commit adultery.’”

2012 -- After years of pointlessly studying the mating habits of insects, frogs and worms, NASA finally gives the people what they want -- a chance to study the mating habits of orbiting astronauts. The resulting pay-per-view is so successful, NASA goes private. Space sex takes off like a rocket.

2014 -- F.D.A. orders emergency recall of penis enlargement pills after addicts cause a rash of automobile accidents when their multi-colored love clubs keep getting tangled up with the steering wheels.

2015 -- Tired of being ignored by men who are bored by two large, enhanced breasts, innovative women begin having their plastic surgeons install one, basketball-sized, nipple-peaked breast right in the middle of their chests. Sensitive men react enthusiastically and admit they always felt like they were neglecting one breast or the other. Brassiere industry executives express support.

2017 -- Bondage is no longer considered deviant chic because sex in space is impossible without straps, velcro and enough chains to get a cheap rent-a-car over the Rockies in a blizzard.

2018 -- First sex robots hit the market. All men married more than five years complain, “Been there, done that.”

2019 -- The cultural world mourns after daring performance artist who had a 10-inch erect penis transplanted onto his forehead dies after elevator door slams shut eight inches from his face.

2020 -- Malicious hackers develop computer virus capable of infecting unwitting users with exotic new venereal diseases. Old timers wistfully recall the days when opening an “ILOVEYOU” file meant the elimination of your hard drive, not your hard on.

2021 -- Suicidal lunar nudists simultaneously explode seconds after defiantly ignoring warnings that a Skins vs. Skins volleyball match will be fatal in space.

2022 -- Under pressure from stockholders, NASA renames all the constellations in the heavens after top grossing actors and actresses from the adult entertainment industry. So-called “porn stars” are a smashing success.

2024 -- Pee Wee Herman and Dennis Rodman are elected to the U.S. Congress vowing to restore traditional values to an America gone mad.

2026 -- New study finally acknowledges what men have been too afraid to admit: They’ve always hated dancing. Innovative women promptly have two large breasts installed beneath their shoulder blades. Dance hall owners report a surge of business so dramatic Eminem rushes “Soul Ballads for Lovers” into early release. Critics hail it as “heartbreakingly poignant.” Brassiere industry doubles work force.

2027 -- Psychologists report dramatic rise in space men suffering from performance anxiety when even perfectly satisfied women fail to moan, yodel or otherwise indicate passion. In space, no one can hear you scream.

2029 -- The first child conceived and raised in space grows to 9-foot-4 in near-zero gravity, returns to earth, and leads perennial NBA doormats L.A. Clippers to their first championship before she’s eligible to drive a lunar rover.

2031 -- Terrorists botch an attempt to topple the Washington Monument, named in honor of America’s beloved founding father, and succeed only in knobbing off the point at the top. Rather than repair it, nostalgic Americans vote to rename it the Clinton Monument in honor of a beloved fondling father.

2032 -- The proliferation of terrifying new sexually transmitted diseases causes Pope Judy II to issue an edict advising all sexually active Catholics to “put condoms on everything, and put three condoms on some things.”

2033 -- Super-intelligent extraterrestrials invade earth with the war-like intent of enslaving our women. They abruptly and peacefully depart when Pres. Rodman tells them the only way to do so is to locate all their G spots.

2034 -- Brassiere industry reports a milestone in that, thanks to moon and planetary colonization, it’s now manufacturing more undergarments designed to hold breasts down than lift them up.

2037 -- At the urgent request of late night TV comics, all the most incorrigible prisoners in the solar system are dispatched to a penal colony on Uranus.

2041 -- After years of failures, manufacturers finally perfect a virtual reality sex machine ready for distribution to the eager masses. It allows users to have any kind of sex with anyone they want at anytime they want and for as often and as long as they want.

2069 -- The last of the human race expires never realizing that virtual reality sex, while an entertaining pastime, does nothing to perpetuate the species.

3133 -- Super-intelligent cockroaches speculate humans beings died out from too much sex. The controversial so-called “Big Bang” theory is greeted with scholarly bemusement.

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