January tweets of the month

No preamble. No intro. Just 42 of the best 8days2amish tweets from January. Check in tomorrow when I’ll be writing about how my blog’s been banned in China. Honest!

• If you're livin' in New Orleans and yer nickname ain't "Fats" then you just ain't livin' right.

• If I were alive in the Zombie Apocalypse I'd call myself "The Dust.” Everyone knows zombies never bite "The Dust.”

• I’m thinking of opening fast food restaurant that uses really seasoned vegetable oils for fries/chicken/etc. I'll call it "Ancient Grease”

• Question: Which would appear more odd, you with your dog's nose or your dog with yours?

• Scientists will one day announce they've  developed animal herd made completely of bacon. Herd will become extinct 4 minutes later.

• Discussion of North Korean villain continues to confuse me. I thought Rudolph was the deer leader.

• Every time I see a headline involving Palestinian prez Abbas, I think, "Mamma Mia! Swedish tribute band!" But that would be Sabbas.

• Doggedness is an admirable quality. Dogged people never quit. I fear I’ve always acted with cattedness.

• You’ll get in trouble if they catch you peeking, but look under the dress of most any them and you'll find mannequins are asexual.

• The right thing may not always be the easy thing, but it’s always the right thing. The trouble is that easy's always easier and always easy.

• I wonder if heaven has graffiti on the walls that says God is God.

• Smart mechanics only wear CarGo pants.

• Suspects in the Charlie Hebdo killings should be drawn, quartered and drawn again.

• Report says eye strain resulting from staring at devices at an all-time high. It's an appademic.

• I’d like to see a sporting competition to see who can smack/gouge/eye poke most dimwits. #MOElympics! 

• I can't ensure nothing bad will ever happen to my daughters. All I can do is ensure they'll know how to react when they do

• I’ve consulted numerous atlases and topographic maps and it's all been in vain. Despite what you may have heard, there is no Moot Point.

• Blacksmith school must be a cinch. Once you get past "Strike while the iron's hot," what else can they tell you?

• Fashion experts who work to ensure ample bosoms fit snugly in frilly brassieres are rack-contours

• Wonder how much money I could make if I told people I could sell 'em skinny pills & sold 'em bottles full of pills with really slim waists.

• Camera operators who film pornography unwittingly wind up being crack photographers.

• If I'd have known I'd be this broke at this stage of my life I'd have worked even less hard. And, yes, I'm aware of the inherent contradictions.

• The fewer the ingredients, the better/healthier the food. For instance, apples are made entirely of apple

• Artistic people often settle disputes by drawing straws.

• Prejudice must make people feel god-like. Being prejudiced means you know how people feel, what motivates them, etc., just by how they look.

• I HOPE I DIE BEFORE THE DAY ARRIVES WHEN EVERYONE IS SO ANGRY THAT EVERYTHING WE WRITE IS IN ALL CAPS.

• I’m surprised dogs don’t try and leap through the TV whenever they see commercials for things like Hot Pockets.

• Equine proctologists would never dream of looking a gift horse in the mouth.

• Rodell’s Facebook Conundrum: ”The more Facebook likes anyone or thing has the less likely that person or thing is truly likable."

• It is a confounding paradox for those challenged with marketing the machines, but the best vacuum cleaners really do suck.

• When the going gets tough, the tough get going! And when the tough get going, I usually say, “Bye, bye tough! Been nice knowin’ ya!”

• Someone asked what's the longest I've ever gone without blogging. I said that would be from 1963-2008.

• Should Pats win, I hope someone who loves all that’s good about America sneaks onto the field and replaces the Gatorade with vats of boiling oil.

• News reports say smart communication devices top in-demand prison contraband. Now that’s what you call a cell phone.

• My life is an open book. The problem is people don't read like they used to.

• I promise to never vicariously describe any endeavor as a cake walk until I can say I’ve walked on cakes.

• Shrewd fortune tellers probably greet every new customer with, “I've been expecting you.”

• I don't flirt with disaster. I slip something in its drink, say "Cheers!" and shove my tongue down its throat.

• Light houses are among our most poorly named structures. They're actually very heavy. 

• In honor of  #SuperBowlXLIX my phone number in Roman Numerals is DCCXXIV CMLXI MMDLVIII. Call me!

• If every kiss begins with Kaye, then it stands to reason that every piss begins with pee.

   

• I’m beginning to understand the peacefulness that comes from no longer trying to change the minds of the mindless.

Related . . .

January ’14 tweets of the month

January ’13 tweets of the month

75 best tweets of ’12

My 1,000th tweet, from ’11

My best tweets of 2013!

No prologue. No tart observations. Just fulfilling an annual obligation to give a mild boost to @8days2amish.

Happy New Year!

• Question for the ages: Am I a pig because I eat too much Christmas ham or does eating too much Christmas ham make me a pig?

• Porn directors are the only people who should ever be allowed to say, “Man up!”

• I'm sure he was a perfectly competent carpenter, but I think Jesus missed his calling. He’d have been one hell of a bartender.

• There are still many pockets of America where "Do you think rasslin's fake?" is considered a sophisticated pick-up line.

• Just discovered Crayola has a color called “Macaroni & Cheese.” Be warned: it tastes nothing like the real thing and Listerine won’t help.

• Chances of getting rope aficionados to call themsleves "Knotsies" are the same as getting florists to call themselves petalphiles.

• Loud bulimics make the worst neighbors. They can never keep it down.

• Nana just demolished any chance at being cool in granddaughter's eyes by responding, "Susan Boyle," when asked to name her favorite Beatle.

• Remember: a good mime can be safe, but never sound.

• Spending the weekend willing myself to blink more slowly. I want to be able to savor all the things they say go by in a blink of an eye.

• Great way to enliven 1st grade spelling quiz: Ask 6 yr. old to spell "rule." Listen, then say, "You know I'm not, Ellie. Now spell rule." Repeat.

• I humbly try and include at least one deliberate typo in everything I write lest people think I'm too perfict.

• If Jeremiah was, indeed, a bullfrog, who drove him to the liquor store to get his mighty fine wine? So much of the story remains untold.

• Aggressive stationary salesmen are always pushing the envelope.

• Women who purse their lips are apt to put their money where their mouth is.

• Equine proctologists would never dream of looking a gift horse in the mouth.

• Must be tough for peg-leg pirate captains to be taken seriously when they say they’re really going to put their foot down.

• If people who revere the Grateful Dead are called “Deadheads,” what does that make those of us who revere “Moby Dick?”

• I’m always at a loss for words whenever I take the dog out and he looks up at me like I’m supposed to congratulate him when he craps.

• A hyphen-nation is a land to which grammarians will likely dash.

• Why are there locks on the lobster tank where I shop? If I'm a shoplifter, a live lobster is the last thing I'm stuffing down my pants.

• It is a confounding paradox for those challenged with marketing the machines, but the best vacuum cleaners really do suck.

• It's been a long, long time and I still can't believe it's not butter.

• If Flex Seal works as well as the commercials say it does, I'll never need Right Guard again!

• Given the dietary challenges Paleolithic cavemen faced, I'm surprised Fred & Barney were tubby. I'm surprised they found time to bowl, too.

• I believe in the next six months, the combined age of the Rolling Stones (247 years) will finally exceed their combined weight.

• Even if it were true, I’d never dream of telling the world Mama’s got a squeeze box she wears on her chest and when Daddy comes home he never gets no rest.

• Let's clear this up: A tornado warning is dangerous weather. A tornado watch is an inefficient timepiece whose hands spin really fast.

• You think you can tell time. Foolish mortals. Time tells you!

• “Godspell” is a popular theatrical production. “Spell God” is a statement that will get public school teachers into trouble with the ACLU.

• The tasty snack would still taste and look the same, but they would take on a whole new connotation if they were spelled "FreeToes."

• Dining oddity: It's perfectly okay to cook on a spit, but never okay to spit on a cook.

• I'm opposed to spanking but whenever I hear a father say this is gonna hurt me worse than it hurts you I think he needs to spank harder.

• Scientists who declare matter cannot be created nor destroyed have never observed a bar of soap in a shower.

• I wonder if when surprised by something on-line Satan worshippers instinctively type, "OMD!"

• Chickens have breasts. Women have breasts. Women have nipples. Do chicken have nipples? Are chicken nipples some kind of delicacy?

• I dreamed last night I was Chris Rock and slept funny.

• Told 7-year-old if she squeezes a piece of coal hard enough she’ll make a diamond. She squeezed so hard she almost made a turd.

• Proof that cocaine disrupts logical thinking is that cocaine users call cocaine blow instead of sniff.

• Anyone typing the phrase “To err is human” should always feel obliged to include at least one deliberate tiepo.

• I can only conclude anyone who says puns are the lowest form of humor has never seen an Adam Sandler flick.

• Enjoyed "Walking Dead" premier, but once for the sake authenticity I'd like to see a cliffhanger that ends with someone hanging from a cliff.

• Join me in crafting more sensible spellings: let's all spell hyphen ... hy-phen!

• Often the things we most want are the things that’ll kill us the quickest if we were given unrestricted access to them.

• Spanker devotees spend their lives in the pursuit of slappiness.

• I’m going to start signing all my proper letters, “Worm regards.” I think earthy people will really dig it.

• The world will be better off when our elected officials would stop quoting "Art of War" author Sun Tzu and start quoting Fred Rogers.

• News report says New Delhi discount days failing to drive sales the way experts predicted. Know what that means? Goodbye rupee Tuesday!

• Until the league welcomes at least one single-legged player, it to me will from now on be the National Feetball League.

• Sometimes adult entertainment titles come unbidden to me. Just happened again: "Pornochio." Now if only I could think of an unusual physical oddity that grows with every lie. Hmmm . . .

• Most people never wash the bottom of their feet. Here’s what I do: slop some shampoo on the shower floor and dance! Dance! Dance!

• I’m sorry “concentration camp” has negative connotations. I’m often so distracted I could use a couple of weeks in a concentration camp.

• I enjoy hanging with drunks ‘cuz you can tell same joke same way five times in one night and it’s always hilarious. Not so w/sober wife.

• I’m pretty sure I’ll be disappointed in the answer, but one of these days I’m going to see if the nation of Turkey has a national bird.

• To many users, prescription drugs are the wheels on all the emotional baggage that help them get through life’s airports.

• Man, the only animal who spends most of its time stationary on its butt, is also the only animal to spend billions each year on footwear.

• I so love the word "hanky-panky" I'm devoting weekend to finding useful meanings for hinky-pinky, henky-penky, honky-ponky & hunky-punky.

• Can't prove it, but I'll wager Superman was the first person to ever say, "I see London, I see France ..."

• True faith isn't believing in God. True faith is when Curly yells, "Moe! Larry! Help! Help!" and believes the situation will improve.

• It reveals a profound ignorance about my understanding of pharmaceuticals, but I'm surprised iron supplements don't weigh more.

• A mohawk is a colorful hairdo. A Moe Hawk is an irrationally angry bird that inflicts slapstick violence on a Curly Hawk or Larry Hawk.

• I advise people to not fixate on diet. A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

• Do other animals in nature use their tails to wipe their tears or is that behavior exclusive to the Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz?

• When Mandela said we need to stop hating everyone he wasn't including Tom Brady and Bill Belichick, was he? No way, right?

• I'd like to be a fly on the wall when flies on the wall discuss their bafflement over why any human would ever want to be a fly on the wall.

• I'm surprised none of the hand soap people have used Pontius Pilot in ads.

• I'm trying to persuade daughters to rename our annoying little yip dog Peeve, so I can with all honesty say, "And this dog is my pet Peeve."