August tweets were very good. Honest!

Here’s are 30 8days2amish tweets from what I consider my strongest month since November. See if you can guess my favorite (answer at the end).

• Can anyone explain to me how The Weather Channel let a reporter named Hanna Storm get away?

• I may not be the best father in the world but I never said, “I have a good idea! Let’s let The Stooges babysit the kids!”

• I haven't researched it but if there isn't a rapper who calls his bad self Sir Real there ought to be.

• Powerful thunderstorms through nudist colony could lead to flesh flooding.

• Enjoyed seeing "Dawn of Planet of Apes" with my wife, but think it would have been more interesting if I'd seen it with Jane Goodall.

• Your typical pessimist suffers from pre-traumatic stress disorder.

• Bad news: Russian mobsters have stolen 1.2 billion #passwords. Good news: we’ll now know who to call next time we forget our passwords.

• Quick! Anyone know if there are any symbols for cymbals?

• Daughter, 8, surprised me by saying she dreams of going to Amsterdam. Why?She said she thot it'd be cute. She thot it was Hamsterdam.

• I’m not up to speed on bovine anatomy, but I have to think a rump roast would come from a bum steer.

• Workplace banter is to be encouraged, but I wouldn’t want to be a seamstress when the co-workers decide it's time to needle one another.

• Being a world class juggler takes real balls. Or clubs, pins, etc.

• Most guys in hardware stores don't call a spade a spade. Most guys in hardware stores call a spade a shovel.

• I plan on devoting tomorrow to conducting comprehensive study on marketing breath mints. I'll call it, "The Tactics of Tic Tacs."

• It says a lot about our cultural confusions that caffeine free is as popular an option as free caffeine.

• It would be delicious news to ironic historians if for her last meal Joan of Arc requested steak.

• I’ve always found the idea of crying over spilt milk incomprehensible, but I still weep inconsolably over recollection of dropped bourbon.

• Shakespeare succeeded without the services of a press agent. Go ahead and check the history books. There's no such thing as Bard publicity.

• I’d vow to never have more fun than a barrel of monkeys if I can be assured it'll never result in the inhumane cruelty of barreled monkeys

• I’m curious about the net worth of people who make nets.

• Exorcising your demons can lead to spiritual peace. Exercising your demons just leads to really fit demons.

• No excess yeast is used in the making of pita bread. No animals were harmed in the making of #PETA bread.

• For a guy who became famous singing "Born To Run," I'll wager Bruce Springsteen doesn't even own a pair track shoes.

• Because you never hear of the word gist by itself (“Gimme gist.”), I’ll from now on spell it thegist. That’s thegist of today’s lesson.

• Question: Which would appear more odd, you with your dog's nose or your dog with yours?

• Scientists will one day announce they've  developed animal herd made completely of bacon. Herd will become extinct 4 minutes later.

• I one day dream of seeing an obituary with a typo that declares a long-time baker made donuts his hole life.

• Ham radios will regain their popularity once manufacturers conceive a way to construct them out of hams.

• I wonder how much money I could make if I told people I could sell ‘em skinny pills and sold ‘em bottles full of pills with really slim waists.

•I wonder what God says when Jesus sneezes.

I like the one about net worth of net owners, the balls of jugglers and and ham radios made out of hams, but I have to go with “The Tactics of Tic Tacs.” That came to me and I liked it so much I took the rest of the day off.

Of course, like most day, no one noticed.

Join me and my 273 followers at 8days2amish! Only 16,407,238 more until I catch Ashton Kutcher!

Related . . .

November: my best tweet month ever

My 1,000th tweet

January ’13 tweets of the month

July Tweets of the Month

I swear there were times this month when I thought, man, this is going to be my best tweet month ever! It was not to be. I think because every time I thought of a good, snappy tweet I was far from an internet connection and the thought fled my mind before I could jot it down. That’s okay. They’ll eventually come back and I reduced the risk of looking like a distracted jerk by tweeting the in presence of actual people.

Follow me at 8days2amish! Or don't . . .

• Asked daughter, 8, if she'd had anything healthy to eat today. She said her gum was strawberry. I surrendered to her logic.

• Due to frequent collateral damage, I propose the military begins distinguishing ballistics by calling some bombs missiles and others hittles.

• I wish it was a seafaring tradition that anyone who is called "Skipper" actually moved from place to place by skipping.

• I hope I never become so cynical that I stop being in awe of passing jetliner & I hope people are more careful about where their dogs poop.

• Always disappointed to go to a Pirate game & see kid wearing "Bat Boy" jersey and realize it's not the BatBoy from old Weekly World News.

• Levi Strauss was a true jeanius.

• I sometimes submit to at least 20 minutes of girls' Radio Disney just so "Rocks Off" will feel so soulfully clarifying when it's my turn.

• For reasons of justice, environmental improvement & pure symmetry, I think any hedge fund managers convicted of misdeeds should fund hedges

• Palindrome should be spelled “palindromemordnilap"

• I sometimes fear my Odor Eaters will forget their benign mission and begin consuming parts of me I’m casual about washing.

• I sometimes ask myself if I drink too much. I usually say no. I do this out loud and using two different voices like I'm on stage.

• I wonder how many sassy men have died of mortal gunshot wounds seconds after uttering the identical last words, “Ha! Ha! Missed me!”

• Peg-leg sea captains have a 50-50 chance of starting the day off on the right foot. 

• I’d like to teach the world to sing! In perfect harmony! But then spent night in a bar on karaoke night and realized it ain't gonna happen

• He’s one of my all-time favorite Americans, but even I can't defend Ben Franklin's mullet.

• The world would be a lot more satisfying if people known for being lightning rods began attracting actual lightning. 

• Someday I’m going to enter a house with “Welcome!” mat, sit on the couch, grab the remote & ask homeowner to bring me a beer and some chips

• The toes on my left foot are getting so spread out I might be the first person in history to be able to give someone the finger with a foot.

• For all his enraged violence, Moe never once hit Curly, Larry or Shemp in the groin. Know what that means to me? He was at heart a gentleman

• It’s an historical irony that if one or the other ever needed a stunt double, Hitler and Moe Howard would have had to call one another.

• Scientists will in 10 yrs figure way to harness hate as renewable energy. Good: it's green. Bad: Driving someone crazy will be civic minded.

• The Titmouse might be creation's worst-named creature. Neither tit nor mouse, it disappoints on so many levels.

• “Price is Right!” would be more compelling if winners were bidding on stuff from Drew's home.

• No doubt I wear the pants in my family (me, wife & 2 daughters). That those pants are pleated capris doesn't make a damn bit of difference.

• Chicken fingers are one of America's most popular meals. Yet, chickens have no arms or hands. Something strange happens between farm & table.

• Problem: Ocean waters rising, Cali in major drought. Solution: teach Californians and all their plant life how to thrive on salt water.

• Americans Against Stupid Silent Letters unite! It's no longer Wednesday. Let's all make it Wensday! (this message brought to you by AASSL).

• Daugher, 8, has a new favorite word. It is toiletries. I don't have the heart to tell her it's not spelled toilet trees.

• Earning so much this summer I'm taking the wife out for a splurge. Yep, we're dining someplace that doesn't have crime-height tape on exits!

•Technological advances combined with desperate bookkeeping mean many people today rob Peter to PayPal.

• “Price is Right!” contestants represent a great cross section of America if all America were comprised of insane extroverts.

• I was so intent on conveying my disdain for a texting female driver I nearly ran into her car. I was distracted by a  distracted driver.

• I’m going to stand in dimly lit room, extend video cam & spin ‘til I’m dizzy. Then I’ll post & boast I spent 2 mins in eye of a tornado.

Tweets of the (last) month!

Some good ones here, yes. I like the one about “Roberto Duran Duran” and “Ancient Grease.” But, really, I should just keep re-running the 70 or so gems I came up with last November. I swear, the philosopher Confucius would read those tweets and wonder, “How does he do it?” As always, any new followers to @8days2amish are welcome and, as always, I’ll make sure readers of the blog always get the good stuff without having to stray.

• Chickens have breasts. Women have breasts. Women have nipples. Do chicken have nipples? Are chicken nipples some kind of delicacy?

• Don Cheadle was nominated for a 2004 Oscar for his role in "Hotel Rwanda." I love Cheadle but he didn't stand chance. Cheadles never win

• Many of us used to live lives of quiet desperation. Now, thanks to Twitter, all our desperation is at full blast. Let's turn it up to 11!

• Don’t take this wrong, but if you know more quotes from “Art of War” author Sun Tzu than you do Fred Rogers you’re probably an asshole.

• I miss cheap gas, good music and simpler times but I'm most nostalgic for the day when I didn't know your politics and you didn't know mine.

• Just calculated it'd take 600 mph flying Blue Angels 4 mins to fly from Latrobe to Pittsburgh -- and that includes waiting at damn tunnels.

• People who fake sleep to get out of midnight lovin’ are bulldozers.

• Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to be forever berated over their failure by those of us who do.

• If making botanical sense was a goal of our language, pineapples would grow on pine trees.

• Hershey, Pa., is a company town that looks like how all company towns would look if companies were run by 6 year olds.

• Garish individuality is so common that conforming is the new non-conformity.

• Would Elvis have ever reached and maintained his iconic status if his folks had named him Todd?

• How come there isn't an '80s tribute band called Roberto Duran Duran?

• How come unicorns aren't called uniHORNS?

• Used to tell well-mannered folks they must have been raised by good parents. Now realize many turn out good by disregarding awful ones.

• I’m thinking of opening fast food restaurant that uses really seasoned vegetable oils for fried chicken, etc. I'll call it "Ancient Grease”

• I’m so pretentious my voice mail ends with, “If this is a real emergency please call 911.” Like others call me to schedule surgery.

• I wonder how many times pretentious erotic film makers have re-done porno "Moby Dick" just to use the line, "Thar she blows!”

• I one day dream of seeing a telephone pole constructed entirely from old telephones.

• Drives me nuts when newscasters declare Cali wildfires out of control. Of course they're out of control! They're not called tame fires.

• Most of our smart phones store so much stupid crap that dropping them down the toilet actually makes logistical sense.

• I’m inexperienced in either endeavor, but I imagine a tame goose chase would be just as exhilarating as a wild one.

• Romantic trees can never be accused of being "too sappy.”

• Asked daughter, 8, if she'd had anything healthy to eat today. She said her gum was strawberry. I surrendered to her logic

• Due to frequent collateral damage, I propose the military begins distinguishing ballistics by calling some bombs missiles and others hittles

• I wish it was a seafaring tradition that anyone who is called "Skipper" actually moved from place to place by skipping.

• He’s cheerful, polite, and enjoys laughter. Go ahead and tell people the Pillsbury Dough Boy is among the world’s greatest roll models.

Related . . .

75 best tweets of 2012!

November, my best tweet month ever

October, ’11, my 1,000th tweet

Best tweets from last month

I know, I know. What kind of blogger starts the week off with a lame Twitter round-up? Well, my car’s getting worked on and I might not be able to post anything else until near dinner. So I had to at least show up today. Not posting anything might cause the blogger federation to launch an investigation.

These are all from 8days2amish.

• #JohnLennon imagined a world at peace. I imagine how different people's faces would look if our eyeballs were squares.

• I’m thinking of forming a really shitty Fab Four tribute band. "Ladies and gentleman, please give a warm welcome to ... The Dung Beatles!"

• Many people pray to God without ever realizing how many God-like powers we all possess. With just one word we can make or ruin someone's day.

• We’ve all heard of gators being flushed and growing in sewers to terrifying sizes. Anyone wonder what’s happening to all the #stinkbugs ?

• The wave of vast emptiness I felt realizing that Mick is 70 and will one day die eased somewhat with the realization Keith never will.

• Daughter, 13, just texted me she is bored spending time at grandpa's. I advised her to set something on fire.

• When Kris Kristofferson sings about Bobby McGee, it's about a woman. When Janis does, it's a dude. Question: Is Bobby McGee a hermaphrodite?

• Being happy isn’t as important as always trying to be happy. Happiness can be taken away. Always trying is what makes happy a habit.

• I’d like to see a reality show about former reality show stars desperately clinging to fame by pitching new reality shows.

• #Nostradamus used his visionary mind to predict the future. A seer who does the same thing using only a keen sense of smell is Nostrildamus.

• Surprised Conservatives angry about global warming proponents haven't demanded Beach Boys renounce their "Endless Summer" album.”

• Swore it wouldn't happen. Swore they wouldn't wear me down. Wrong! I now think I'm being witty when I ask people, "What's in your wallet?”

• Supreme Court allows #publicprayer at municipal meetings. Oh, goody. I’m sure politicians will immediately cease acting like craven jerks.

• Physicians who share waiting rooms often try each others' patients.

• Tomorrow NFL commish Goodell will euphorically hug large men with whom he has nothing in common & will soon anger with fines & suspensions

• Americans Against Stupid Silent Letters unite! It's no longer Wednesday. Let's all make it Wensday! (this message brought to you by AASSL)

• I humbly try and include at least one deliberate typo in everything I write lest people think I'm too perfict.

• Making a good first impression important, but I’ve found the ones who make best impression are ones who at first make barely any impression

• I’d like to be a fly on the wall when flies on the wall discuss their bafflement over why any human would ever want to be a fly on the wall

• I hope tonight Roger Goodell greets one top draftee so exuberantly he has to fine himself for an excessive celebration. 

• Technological advances combined with desperate bookkeeping mean many people today rob Peter to PayPal.

• Skeptical parents’ refusal to get kids inoculated against infectious diseases is turning measles into youasles. 

• A good shower is about as close to returning to the womb as we can get without inconveniencing Mom.

• How massive is my ego? When daughter, 13, is in car texting to friends I believe she is writing, "My Daddy is the greatest!”

• I have to think giraffe parents take it far more seriously than human counterparts when they catch giraffe teenagers necking.

• You’d think from today's Facebook every mom's a saint. Nope. One of these days I'm going to write a book, "Famous Sons of Famous Bitches.”

• Naming a baby boy "Les" is fraught with pitfalls. He could be Les Moore, Les White, Les Hart. I wonder if anyone's ever named a son Fewer.

• I’d vow to never have more fun than a barrel of monkeys if I can be assured it'll never result in the inhumane cruelty of barreled monkeys

• How come doctors don't prescribe laughing gas for patients in "serious" condition?

• I wonder if Noah had a momentary crisis of faith when he saw two stink bugs approaching the ark.

• I wonder if Caveman upon first seeing his reflection thought he was repugnant or said, “My God, I’m gorgeous!”

• I know a secret! I know why there's a hole in donuts. I think I'll let the suspense on this one build until it's fit to bust.

• If I were a marine biologist I’d try and get my colleagues to call a school of fish a campus.

• “Caught in a world of uphill climbin’, tears are in my eyes an’ nothin’ is rhymin’!” Oh, Manilow. That IS rhyming!

• Cook at office/bar said he'd seen me at bar 3 times in last 24 hours. Bartender said if I worked above a bakery I'd weigh 500 pounds.

• Someday I hope I'm as happy as the girls in the hair commercials. They make having really great hair seem utterly euphoric.

• Many people say they want to be writers when what they mean is they want to be either John Grisham or J.K. Rowling.

• I so enjoy it I don't want sticks of butter, I want butter on a stick.

• I’ll probably see the movie, but as scary as Godzilla looks I'm surprised Hollywood hasn't made a movie about Devilzilla.

• Just learned #KarlRove was born on Dec. 25. I believe it's the only thing he and Jesus have in common.

• Do sober people who are on the wagon fight over who gets to be the wagon's designated driver?

• I find it impossible to eat a whole carrot without at least once saying aloud, "Eh . . . What's up, Doc?”

• In her restless quest to determine who has more omnipotence, daughter, 7, asked who has more elves: God or Santa?

• Men are from Mars, women from Venus, but Venus Williams is from Lynwood, California.

• I’d like to see Bruno Mars and Venus Williams get together and have a kid who could be described as earthy.

• The greatest lie we tell to one another is, “Hate to say I told you so, but ...” Saying, “I told you so,” is one of life’s greatest joys.

• One of these days I'm going to share the story of the unscrupulous masseuse who was arrested for armed rubbery.

• Having a bad day? Try humming in your head the Vince Guaraldi piano riff from the Charlie Brown Christmas special. Works every time.

• I like to ask fitness fanatics if dire situations required the deed, what part of themselves would they eat 1st. Most fun with vegetarians.

• I remain amazed the lobster tanks at my grocery store are locked. What shoplifter is brave enough to shove a live lobster down his pants?

• The older I get the more the term “religious holiday” strikes me as an oxymoron.

• Told 7-year-old if she squeeze a piece of coal hard enough she’ll make a diamond. She squeezed so hard she almost made a turd.

• I wish when I was younger I'd joined the Peace Corps and did hydro-electric work in 3rd world countries so I could say I once gave a dam.

• If Jeremiah was, indeed, a bullfrog, who drove him to the liquor store to get his mighty fine wine? So much of the story remains untold.

• I’m convinced we could end world hunger if for just one summer USA agreed to cease all competitive eating contests. 

• Until every single crawling or winged insect respects a 5-foot privacy zone around my exposed skin, summer will always be overrated.

• I wonder how guys like Bach and Beethoven reacted when during meltdowns someone told them to compose themselves.

• Some sleepless night I'm gonna invent a game I'll call "Insomnia Bingo." On-line players report the clock times they awaken until “Bingo!"

• Sure, he has his faults but the only thing I can conclude about fevered Obama-bashers is they must have been sound asleep from 2000-2008.

• We’re depleting the oceans, burning the forests, using up all the resources. We're not Earthlings. We're parasites with personalities.

• Remember, having a really great relationship with the Lord doesn’t mean you can treat the rest of us like crap

• Some who want to "take our country back" mean to a time when old white men ruled country. Me, I want it back to when #Steelers ruled it.

• Saying an injured ball player is "day-to-day" drives me nuts. We're all day-to-day!

Related . . .

75 best tweets of 2012

May ’13 tweets of the month

April tweets of the month

Some good ones here and my twitter numbers are up. I have 257 followers at 8days2amish and follow 113. So my numbers could be higher, I’m sure, but I’m odd about whom I decide follow. First, you need to tweet regularly, but I don’t like it if you tweet too much. I follow some people that only have four or five other followers, but shun some for having tens of thousands.

I put a priority on following people who issue coherent thought and tend not to follow people who only retweet news found elsewhere.

It’s all very enigmatic.

Much like the following 63 April tweets . . .

• Can’t prove it and I'd never dream of trying it, but I'll bet I'm friends with many 50 year old men who'd fall for the "Got yer nose!" gag.

• I wonder if in the Three Stooges scripts when it called for Curly to laugh it actually spelled it out, "Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.”

• If you're anything like me, it's probably been years since you've gone into what's commonly referred to as a bathroom to take a bath.

• New prisons are the only structures that require occupants break in before they can break out.

• Call me old-fashioned, but I preferred the world when there were fewer than 15 types of Pringles and just one type of Coke.

• I’m proud to say I've spent past 22 years living by my wits, but acknowledge I'm often so broke I've come to believe I'm not all that witty.

• Shakespeare succeeded without the services of a press agent. Go ahead and check the history books. There's no such thing as Bard publicity.

• Saturday was my most humiliating book signing ever. Not a soul showed up. What'd I do? Thought about having seance! http://tinyurl.com/me23lcz 

• Artistic people often settle disputes by drawing straws.

• I wish no ill on any being but I hope for the sake of Earth's collective cool that Paul outlives Ringo.

• Next time you hear anyone dramatically pronounce "the worm has turned!" Be sure to ask if it was considerate enough to use its blinker.

• Reaction to new phone greeting - "Hello! You have reached the wick-ed-ly talented Adele Dazeem!" - so negative must change back to old way.

• Some men succeed by digging deep into earth for precious medals. Me, I hope to succeed by having dug many tiny holes and sprinkling seeds.

• #VanceMcallister wife says straying GOP congressman "wrecked her life." Not fair. If he's a GOP congressman he's wrecking all our lives.

• It would be deliciously news to ironic historians if Joan of Arc ordered steak for her last meal.

• John Doe is a pseudonym for someone lost and unidentifiable, often for medical reasons. Someone who's lost and just stupid is a John D’oh!

• If malicious hackers spread computer viruses, then what kind of person spreads computer allergies?

• I sometimes fear my Odor Eaters will forget their benign mission and begin consuming parts of me I’m casual about washing.

• Make your every interaction with your fellow man like your life's goal is to ensure parking at your funeral will be a real bitch.

• Soon "dodged a bullet" won't be a quaint phrase about evading a challenge. It'll be the answer to the question, "So, what'd you do today?”

• Driver safety tip: I turn off the stereo and roll down the window in parking areas so I can be more aware. Unless it's a really good song. Then all bets are off.

• I’m going to spend the weekend developing a fruity superhero who shoots apple juice out his wrists. Yes, watch out! It's CiderMan!

• There’s so much noise I hope to one day evolve ear lids. Like eye lids, I could just close them in the presence of something unpleasant.

• It says a lot about our cultural confusions that caffeine free is as popular an option as free caffeine.

• Shrewd fortune tellers probably greet every new customer with, “I've been expecting you.”

• Almost every game -- golf, baseball, basketball, etc. -- would be more difficult if the balls were square.

• No excess yeast is used in the making of pita bread. No animals were harmed in the making of PETA bread.

• Hunger will end when scientists discover way for chickens to lay softball sized eggs & will resume when they realize what's killing chickens.

• Tonight’s Apathetics Anonymous meeting has been canceled indefinitely due to lack of interest.

• I’d like to see Billy Joel fall in love with another top supermodel just so I could hear him sing he's in love with an Upton girl.

• The word clusterf*** is very misleading. Sounds like something we should all enjoy. "We're having a big clusterf***! Bring a casserole!”

• Can anyone explain why in San Francisco there's a big orange bridge right where everyone told me to look for a golden gate?

• I remain incredulous that "2 and 1/2 Men" is approaching 250 episodes and Arnold Palmer only got 3. Where's the cultural justice?

• My dark gift is an ability to compose texts so compelling unwanted drivers steer themselves straight off cliffs. I am for hire.

• Not sure  if shoe salesman would be criticized or praised for audaciously telling potential customers to "just put a sock in it.”

• Asked daughter, 7, how long and thin her finger will need to be if her brain ever gets itchy. Brain may not itch, but it's now busy.

• Just heard Mike Tyson describe a beaten boxer as "comatoast." Say what you want about his education, but his way makes more sense.

• For some still-bitter Beatle fans, an otherwise beautiful love song like "Woman" is ruined knowing John Lennon's singing it about Yoko.

• If marriage is so great then how come there isn't a Mrs. God?

• If we've learned anything from watching today's "Three Stooges," it is to never say, "Here! Take mine!" whenever Moe asks for a hammer.

• Another great thing about watching The Stooges: takes mere seconds to say what happened anytime someone walks in & asks what've I missed.

• For a guy who became famous singing "Born To Run," I'll wager Bruce Springsteen doesn't even own a pair track shoes.

• I’m a writer. I write. I know a baker who bakes and a banker who banks. But can anyone tell me what the hell an usher does?

• On this Easter I salute Pope Francis and wish him long life. But I think it'd be just super if the next pope were Father Francis Mulcahy.

• Advances in meteorology mean Weather Channel forecasters will soon be able to pinpoint brainstorms, sure to change the way employers hire.

• I agree any job worth doing is worth doing right. Also true it's worth me putting it all off for months until wife gets fed up & hires a pro

• Has anyone ever researched if the CAPS key on e.e. cummings's typewriter was busted? That might explain a lot.

• I’ve never seen a duffel bag full of duffels & I’m okay with that. If it ever happens I’d never again have the guts to peek in a handbag

• If that were my kid who stowed away in a wheel well of an Hawaiian-bound flight, oh, he’d be so grounded.

• I’m delighted church Making Pope John Paul a saint, but won't be satisfied until Popes George and Ringo sanctified, too.

• It’s fun imagining how great historical figures would have looked had they worn big, militant afros. Try it with Jesus, Hitler, Mitt Romney

• Wish I could take driver's ed so when teach said, "Depress the brake," I could look at the pedal and say, "You're a brake. We step on you.”

• I don't see many other advantages, but if I were Jim Bob Duggar I'd have at least 19 more followers than I do now. #8days2Amish

• I absolutely can't stand this about myself but sometimes I find myself sitting here thinking, man, I wonder how Kate Gosselin's doing?

• I’ve cut my nose off so many times to spite my face it's no longer physically possible for me to stop and smell the roses.

• News says #ClivenBundy is from Bunkerville, Nev. More like Archie Bunkerville.

• Loud bulimics make the worst neighbors. They can never keep it down.

• If NRA's Wayne LaPierre had a male child with Sarah Palin it would be a son of a gun and a son of a . . . former Alaskan governor.

• Sometimes when I'm pumping gas and feeling really naughty I remove my credit card really, really slowly just to stick it to The Man.

• Given publishing trends, I can envision a day when angry judges bent on bestowing severe punishment will throw the Nook at miscreants.

• Springsteen flies home on a private jet after every show. Tramps like him, baby they were born to skip long TSA security checkpoints.

• Avid spankers are the only people on earth whose ambition involves repeatedly hitting bottom.

• So billionaire racist #DonaldSterling and I have 1 thing in common: neither of us will attend another NBA game for the rest of our lives.

• I don't recall ever once seeing a gentleman in what are routinely called "Gentleman's Club." They should be called "Horny Dude Clubs.”

• Fotogs trained to snap when subject is using hands, so most news stills look like someone is bragging about size of fish he or she just caught.

Related . . .

November, my best tweet month ever

My 1,000th tweet (October ’11)

One word answers to many vexing questions

Wit confetti: My July ’12 tweets of the month