November Tweets of the Month

I always vow whenever I’m stuck for an idea to mine my @8days2amish twitter feed and just harvest snappy ideas from there.

But I hardly ever do this.

Why?

It just seems too easy. And what’s the point of devoting hours each day to a non-paying pastime unless it’s really challenging?

• World’s greatest sales people must work for Spam. Think of the intrinsic hurdles they must overcome just to get calls/e-mails returned.

• Rodell’s Rule of Consumerism: "The crappier/more indifferent the service, the longer the receipt.”

• People who get religious tattoos often have crosses to bare.

• Bedlam is an uproarious situation. Bed lamb is a rural farm scandal.

• Women look in mirror and see flaws others cannot detect; men look in same mirror and see perfection others cannot detect.

• A gym beam requires steady footwork. A Jim Beam isn't nearly as fussy.

• The right thing may not always be the easy thing, but it’s always the right thing. The trouble is that easy's always easier and always easy.

• Someone asked what's the longest I've ever gone without blogging. I said that would be from 1963-2008.

• People who find new money is always burning holes in their pants should invest in flame-resistant trousers.

• Not sure if it makes me a bad dad or an efficient communicator, but I didn't engage in attentive fathering until my kids were old enough to get the jokes.

• Light houses are among our most poorly named structures. They're actually very heavy.

• The fewer the ingredients, the better/healthier the food. For instance, apples are made entirely of apple.

• If a surgeon botches a boob job can they still call it a bust?

• We now have ability to forever preserve things that 10 years ago we would have destroyed as being too stupid for anyone else to ever see

• You’ve lived in same small town too long when you realize you're personal friends with all the guys on the highway billboards. 

• Consternation is an acute feeling of dismay; constantsternation is chronic.

• Because they haven't released a new album in 10 years, I propose next Rolling Stones record be called "Gathered Moss.”

• Daughter, 9, said she wants to go to Amsterdam. Why? Said she thinks it'd be cute. She thinks it's Hamsterdam.

• Hate to always be so PC, but shouldn't podiatrists begin describing the little toe of dark-skinned people as something other than”pinkie?"

• Even if you despise war for all its inherent inhumanity, you have to admit: The History Channel would be pretty boring without it.

• Your life will be appreciably more sane if you wake up each day realizing your job isn't nearly as important as you think.

• GOP wants Mexicans to face deportation forces. Dems want Mexicans to meet to discuss solutions -- and we want them to cater!

• Men arrested for public urination prevail if they succeed in getting trial before a jury of pee'rs. 

• I wonder if the competitive artists who submit fancy patterns on toilet paper care if theirs is used or if they just don't give a crap.

• Bottom line accountants have it all wrong. Anybody who's seen a naked human understands the bottom line is vertical.

• I wonder how guys like Bach and Beethoven reacted when during meltdowns someone told them to compose themselves.

• Told daughter, 9, "I love you. I'll love you forever." Said she feels that way so sometimes. I told her she'd grounded till she learns the value of lying within family dynamic.

• I’d like to see how a proctologist responds when angry patient tells him bill's too high and he knows what he can do with it.

• Properly functioning auto-correct apps are typo righters.

• Alert the NRA! Declining temperature forecasts means we'll soon be losing our right to bare arms!

• I’m confused about pejorative origins of the word “hardship.” Hardship should be good. History would be different if Titanic were a hardship.

• Even elderly donut makers wake up each morning knowing they have their hole lives ahead of them.

• Square feet can be either a standard unit of measurement or a veteran shoe salesman's bucket-list challenge. 

• Because words have meanings and because words matter I vow I'll never again describe another man as an SOB until I've at least met the mom.

• Do fundamentalist climate change deniers see any irony in having sons named Noah?

• How sizable would the yard sale be if you had access to all the stuff enemies through-out your life told you to shove up your ass?

• Because I've never seen a fuddy nor a duddy, fuddyduddy is our most redundant pejorative. It is the triple-dog-dare-ya of put downs.

• I believe wife would be more open to romance if I didn't insist she dump a big bucket of Gatorade over my head after every successful boink.

• America’s endured so much historic trouble from Iran and Iraq, I'm just relieved I don't look at the map and see an Irab, Irat, Iraz, etc.

• Our most aggravating frustrations stem from times when we demand perfection from those incapable of providing it. 

• I’ve done like the financial wizards advised. I've had nest eggs. The problem is they've always hatched and flown away.

• I sometimes believe a day will come when I feel like a futurist, but I predict the feeling will pass.

• As I intend to break bread with family tomorrow, can anyone tell me if broken bread is offensive to the food ethicists?

• Attending church scares me. I'm fearful I'll need to bury my inner smart ass so deeply it will suffocate and life will become meaningless.

• Reader’s Digest makes me sick. Of course, I probably shouldn't try and eat it but why would the title instruct otherwise?

• I wonder if there are any bell & whistle stores that boast they sell bells & whistles with all the bells & whistles.

Related …

Best tweets of November ’14

Best tweets of November ’13

Best tweets of November ’12

What good is Twitter? Dunno. But here're my monthly best!

After quarterly reports disappointed, Twitter CFO Anthony Noto said a nimble explanation of what Twitter does or why anyone needs it remains elusive. I’ve tweeted 4,685 times and I have no idea either. Still, I enjoy twitter and the platform eliminates the need for me to write all this stuff on some dingy bathroom wall, the otherwise logical destination for these sort of things.

You’re welcome to follow me @8days2Amish or you can just keep checking out the blog. I’ll make sure you won’t miss any of the good stuff.  

• The preamble to the Constitution for Concord grapes begins, "We the purple . . ." 

• Rejection & humiliation are challenges we can use to either defeat or fuel us. If true, I have enough fuel to drive my Saturn to Pluto.

• That which does not kill me usually leaves me with one whopper of a hangover.

• Another problem of mine is anytime I get a real train of thought really rolling the conductor always behaves like he’s shitfaced.

• Given trends against public transportation and for finger pointing, at any given time more people are likely to be under the bus than on it.

• Report says eye strain resulting from staring at devices at an all-time high. It's an appademic.

• Ham radios will be more popular when ham radios are made from ham.

• Many good people in church praying God will change world & bound to spend week ignoring all their god-given abilities to change the world.

• The inertia of summer laziness means my entire ambition this week is focused solely on finding a sensible reason to use "kowtow" in a lead.

• I wish I had friend who spoke just like Arby's commercial guy & I wish he used same enthusiasm & inflection to call about golf.

• I wonder how the world would be different if Noah'd had a fly swatter. 

• When you break it down, padlock is a pretty groovy name for an item that can be used to lock your pad.

• Given trajectory of men's grooming standards I fully expect to within 2 years see ads advising me how to get a really close shave on my pits

• #hashtag, you're it!

• There are still many pockets of America where "Do you think rasslin's fake?" is considered a sophisticated pick-up line.

• If they were made today, each of the comedy shorts would have disclaimer, "No Stooges were hurt in the making of this film." 

• Romantic trees can never be accused of being "too sappy.”

• Fighting an alien impulse to vanquish boredom by announcing I'm the father of Bristol's new baby.

• I have to think giraffe parents take it far more seriously than human counterparts when they catch giraffe teenagers necking.

• Little noticed reg in ObamaCare requires docs mimic Billy Joel when they inform patients they've just had a heart attack-ack-ack-ack.

• Shakespeare succeeded without the services of a press agent. Go ahead and check the history books. There's no such thing as Bard publicity.

• Try and do at least one thing this week that will blow your hair back and allow you to say, “Wheeeeeeee!!!"

• I’m glad the people in medical world allow the rest of us to call what they know is the umbilicus our belly buttons.

• Stephen Hawking to spend $100 million to find alien life. Trump to spend that much keeping it from crossing our Southern border. 

• She’s been cagey about not criticizing him. I think a certain former Alaska guv is preparing Trump/Palin '16 bumper stickers

• What umbrella alterations will be necessary in the next Sharknado?

• ”London Bridges Falling Down" is a popular nursery rhyme. London britches falling down is a sartorial scandal of epic proportions.

• NASA 8.8 billion planet discovery means the phrase “men are from Mars/women from Venus” may one day be less metaphorical.

• Because I believe in the well-being of my fellow man, I'll no longer say, "Have a nice day!" From now on, it's "Duck when you hear gunfire!”

• If I've learned anything from watching TV today, it's to never taunt Moe when he has a board glued to his hands.

• What would the repercussions for humanity be if aliens landed and said "Take me to your leader," and the greeter took them to Trump?”

• People always say, "Ah, kids grow up so fast." Not all of of 'em. I'm 52 and it still hasn't happened to me.

• Can’t prove it, but I'll wager Superman was the first person to ever say, "I see London, I see France …"

• I tend to judge all illegal immigrants by how their being here will improve my culinary options so I'm fine with Mexicans. 

• Friends say when I'm drunk I tend to repeat myself. Friends say when I'm drunk I tend to repeat myself.

• Does anyone know how disable the app that causes my phone to ring in another room 90 seconds after my butt hits the toilet seat?

• We live in a time when never before have so many unhappy people had the ability to appear joyously otherwise. Thank you, Facebook!

• NASA deserves ridicule for saying there are 8.8 billion Earth-like planets. Wrong! None of them have Trump!

• Infuriates me knowing I could get into a you-think-you're-better-than-me contest with Ashton Kutcher and he'd win.

• I dreamt I called Lynne Cheney a bitch last night. Now, I'm afraid if I go to sleep, Dick Cheney is going to waterboard dream me.

• Reading Atticus hates blacks would have same effect as seeing "new" “Lone Ranger” episode where Masked Man says Silver sucks.

• Harper Lee a victim of Murdoch's elder abuse. And here I thought publishing industry only treated nobodies like me with such cruel disdain.

• I wonder what goes through the dog's mind when he sees me alone in a quiet room frantically looking for the remote.

• J. Geils is no longer in the J. Geils Band and through 27 members there's never been anyone named Marshall or Tucker in Marshall Tucker Band.

• When I promised I'd no longer write about politics, I had no idea Donald Trump was going to be the leading GOP candidate. 

February 8days2Amish tweets of the month

My 8days2Amish twitter feed passed the 300 followers mark last week . . . four times! It’s true. I’d get a minor surge of followers who’d then one-by-one drop off. I’m now up to 315. Know what that means? Ashton Kutcher and your 16.5 million followers, watch out! I’m gaining on you. I’m lately getting bursts of followers who promise to get me Kutcher-like numbers if I follow them and pay for the privilege. I’m not going to do that. If I pay for any relationship it’s going to be for me to have sex with a prostitute. I guess I’m just old-fashioned that way. But please do share/follow/re-tweet/etc. I promise I won’t charge or try and screw you.

Play guess-my-favorite! Answer at end . . .

• I'm one of those Christians who believes in God, but has trouble believing God could ever believe in me.

• Your peacefulness will increase in direct correlation to the decrease in the energy you spend trying to change the minds of the mindless.

• So let me get this straight: Taylor Swift used to be country, but is no longer. So Taylor Swift is like Steve Earle? 

• The namesake inventor of the Heimlich Maneuver just turned 95. And he's Potsie's uncle!

• Which will come 1st: a gun that shoots pictures or a smart phone that shoots bullets? And how many will die before bugs worked out?

• Harvard bans sexual relationships between profs & students. This crap would never happen at Ohio U.

• Rodell’s Rule of Consumerism: "The crappier/more indifferent the service, the longer the receipt.”

• If man can make a Twinkie whose taste will endure through a nuclear winter how come we can’t make a vegetable that tastes like a Twinkie?

• Dawns on me anew I’ve made bad career decisions when I hear people five years younger than I discussing their pending retirements. 

• Marijuana smokers who succumb to repeated bouts of the munchies are apt to get pot bellies. #TheDudeAbides 

• After getaway weekend, girls have nicknamed me, "The Big Hairy Snoring Fart Monster." I've decided to consider it a term of endearment.

• Teachers teach, bankers bank. What do ushers do? I've seen them ask patrons to be quiet. Maybe they're really hushers.

• ”It's not gonna be an orgy, it's a measles party!”

• Imagine how much better off we’d all be if the humble “Need penny/Take penny/ Have  penny/Leave penny,” were applied on a global level.

• The future of mankind will be brighter when its history is graced by more kind men. And women!

• For promotional purposes I propose Poland change its name to GOland!

• Kids put their money in piggybanks. If you believe the regulators, adults put their money in banks run by pigs.

• It infuriates some Christian conservatives to think us Obama-loving, gay-marriage approving libs have same chance of getting to heaven.

• Just learned Edmund Pettus of the Edmund Pettus Bridge was a former Grand Dragon for the Alabama KKK. Thanks for the info, #BobSchieffer!

• I’m always at a loss for words whenever I take the dog out and he looks up at me like I’m supposed to congratulate him when he craps.

• Avid spankers are the only people on earth whose ambition involves repeatedly hitting bottom. #50ShadesOfGrey

• I once got in big trouble spying on a woman in department store dressing room. She was furious. It was a fit of pique over a peek of fit.

• Realizing I’m destined to become an old fogey doesn’t bother me a bit because there’s no evidence I was ever a young fogey.

• As parents, the fruit of our loins inevitably become the apples of our eyes even when they drive us bananas.

• I admit it. I was a goofball when I was kid. But I’ve changed. I’ve hardened. I guess that means today I’m more of a goofpuck.

• Spent last 20 mins trying in vain to slam anti-slam toilet seat lid. You've won this round, toilet seat, but you've not seen the last of me!

• I’m eager to find site that archives audios of greatest speeches, but said in voice of Elmer Fudd. #IHaveADweam 

• I predict milk next common food staple to get the luxury boutique treatment. People will have milk orgies in moo saloons: Cowligula!

• Some motivated to live good lives in hopes they'll eventually get to a better place. More fun just livin' in Pittsburgh

• I’m not saying we’re arrogant, but to those of us born under this Zodiac sign, it’ll always be Aquarius vs. Aquarithem.

• Ambitious tailors who work exclusively on 3-piece suits have vested interests.

• We should have one day of the month where everyone uses pictures of their favorite mugs for their mug shots

• So a show that’s all about the zombie apocalypse is populated by characters who steadfastly refuse to call zombies zombies. 

• I remain undaunted my career's been high-wire act for 22 years. Just lately the wire seems to be getting higher.

• If I ever have money burning a hole in my pocket the first thing- I'm gonna do is rush out and buy some flame retardant pants.

• I wish in the interests of polite society that people described as lightning rods attracted actual lightning.

• Doggedness is an admirable quality. Dogged people never quit. I fear I’ve always acted with cattedness.

• How ironic is it that New Hamprhire felons must make license plates that read LIVE FREE OR DIE while imprisoned?

• I’m thinking of opening fast food restaurant that uses really seasoned vegetable oils for fried chicken, etc. I'll call it "Ancient Grease”

• We live in an age where people display more affection for devices that play music than for the music devices play.

• How come cookies aren't called bakies?

• I wonder if alpha walruses ever get into beach shoving matches shouting, "No! I am the walrus!”

• Cynics who do nothing but predict doom and gloom are misfortune tellers.

• How come throughout my life I've known many fuddy-duddies, but have never met either a singular fuddy or duddy.

• John Lennon imagined a world at peace. I imagine how different people's faces would look if our eyeballs were squares.

• I’m forming a really shitty Fab Four tribute band. "Ladies and gentleman, please give a warm welcome to ... The Dung Beatles!”

• Some parents ought to name kid Serious. He'd say wild things & when people asked, "Are you Serious?" he'd say, "Yes, how do you do?”

• No excess yeast is used in the making of pita bread. No animals were harmed in the making of PETA bread. 

• Levi Strauss was a jeanius.

• For reasons of justice, environmental improvement & pure symmetry, I think any hedge fund managers convicted of misdeeds should fund hedges.

• Most people who blow their own horn never even go to trouble of obtaining and learning how to play a horn. They just blow.

• My mind's been wandering so long I'm surprised it's not appeared on someone's milk carton

• Historic villains like Hitler should have their audio books like "Mein Kampf" read by guys who do voices for things like "Winnie The Pooh.”

• My handwriting is so bad I’m going to begin signing all my checks with a big shaky “X” to see if it makes any difference.

My favorite? Lots of good ones from which to choose, but I like the one about the New Hampshire felons making the LIVE FREE OR DIE license plates. Works on so many levels.

Thanks for checking in! If you chuckled even once, please share!

Related . . .

November ’13; my best tweet month ever

My 75 best tweets of 2012

Best tweets of 2014

Happy New Year! Thanks for checking in. You can follow my daily tweets here @8days2Amish.com.

• If our bodies are, indeed, temples then how come everything that comes out of them is so disgusting?

• A sordid affair is 2 people engaged in illicit behavior. Two people busted before they can start having any naughty fun is a sordud one.

• Someday I’m going to enter a house with a “Welcome!” mat, sit on the couch, grab the remote and ask the homeowner to bring me a beer. 

• Bumbastic people are prone to talking out of their asses. 

• I have to think giraffe parents take it far more seriously than human counterparts when they catch giraffe teenagers necking.

• Very productive morning. I killed so many birds with so few stones I'm expecting PETA to protest.

• The difference between a mad scientist and a merely angry one is all in the haircut.

• Five years ago tonight someone we'll never hear of lost out to Capt. Sully Sullenberger for USAirways Employee of the Month. 

• Saw a man on this bone-chilling morning standing at the bus stop wearing nothing but a musical bellows. He was dressed accordioningly.

• Little noticed reg in ObamaCare requires docs mimic Billy Joel when they tell patients they've had a heart attack-ack-ack-ack

• If you're livin' in New Orleans and yer nickname ain't "Fats" then you just ain't livin' right.

• Most discriminatory club in America is Groundhog Phil's Inner Circle. Still, America will overlook Phil's bigotry cause he's so darn cute.

• I admit it. I was a goofball when I was kid. But I’ve changed. I’ve hardened. I guess that means today I’m more of a goofpuck.

• I predict milk will be the next common food staple to get the luxury boutique treatment. People will have milk orgies in moo saloons: Cowligula! 

• I wonder if anyone watched the historic U.S. Beatles TV debut and said, "When I grow up I want to be just like Ed Sullivan!”

• Many people flirt with disaster. Me, I slip it some Ecstasy, a made-up phone number and just let chips fall where they may.

• The best prosthetic salesmen and women are blessed with disarming personalities. 

• Ambitious tailors who work exclusively on 3-piece suits have vested interests.

• Two days too late it just occurred to me: Women's Figure Skating no longer involves women with figures.

• Really popular all-you-can-eat buffets are places where the crowd never thins.

• Call me reactionary, but I have to figure they use one hell of a lot of hand sanitizer in Germany.

• If I ever have money burning a hole in my pocket the first thing- I'm gonna do is rush out and buy some flame retardant pants.

• I’m so cheap I wish Latrobe had a Dutch restaurant so I could invite my wife to dinner and say, "Let's go Dutch!" and get out of paying.

• True dreamers fly kites with no strings attached.

• Remember, it's okay to cook on a spit, but never spit on your cook.

• I hope someday to persuade Derek Jeter to draw me a little stick figure cartoon just so I can justifiably call it a Dandy Yankee doodle.

• I told a friend that careful mimes can be safe, but never sound. He accused me of thinking inside the box.

• A clear, sharp mind is a brute impediment to enjoying so much of life's wonder and whimsy. I'm glad that's not one of my problems.

• I’m always surprised when I hear how much roofers earn. I always thought they worked on the house.

• Can’t prove it and I'd never dream of trying it, but I'll bet I'm friends with many 50 year old men who'd fall for the "Got yer nose!" gag.

• New prisons are the only structures that require occupants break in before they can break out. 

• I’m proud to say I've spent past 22 years living by my wits, but acknowledge I'm often so broke I've come to believe I'm not all that witty. 

• Shakespeare succeeded without the services of a press agent. Go ahead and check the history books. There's no such thing as Bard publicity. 

• I wish no ill on any being but I hope for the sake of Earth's collective cool that Paul outlives Ringo.

• It would be deliciously news to ironic historians if Joan of Arc ordered steak for her last meal.

• I sometimes fear my Odor Eaters will forget their benign mission and begin consuming parts of me I’m casual about washing.

• I’m going to spend the weekend developing a fruity superhero who shoots apple juice out his wrists. Yes, watch out! It's CiderMan!

• Shrewd fortune tellers probably greet every new customer with, “I've been expecting you.”

• No excess yeast is used in the making of pita bread. No animals were harmed in the making of PETA bread. 

• If marriage is so great then how come there isn't a Mrs. God? 

• If we've learned anything from watching today's "Three Stooges," it is to never say, "Here! Take mine!" whenever Moe asks for a hammer.

• For a guy who became famous singing "Born To Run," I'll wager Bruce Springsteen doesn't even own a pair track shoes.

• Sometimes when I'm pumping gas and feeling really naughty I remove my credit card really, really slowly just to stick it to The Man.

• Given publishing trends, I can envision a day when angry judges bent on bestowing severe punishment will throw the Nook at miscreants.

• News says Springsteen flies home on a private jet after every show. Tramps like him, baby, they were born to skip long TSA security checkpoints.

• John Lennon imagined a world at peace. I imagine how different people's faces would look if our eyeballs were squares.

• I’m thinking of forming a really shitty Fab Four tribute band. "Ladies and gentleman, please give a warm welcome to ... The Dung Beatles!”

• Daughter, 13, just texted me she is bored spending time at grandpa's. I advised her to set something on fire.

• When Kris Kristofferson sings about Bobby McGee, it's about a woman. When Janis does, it's a dude. Question: Is Bobby McGee a hermaphrodite?

• Nostradamus used his visionary mind to predict the future. A seer who does the same thing using only a keen sense of smell is Nostrildamus. 

• Physicians who share waiting rooms often try each others' patients.

• Americans Against Stupid Silent Letters unite! It's no longer Wednesday. Let's all make it Wensday! (this message brought to you by AASSL)

• I hope tonight Roger Goodell greets one top draftee so exuberantly he has to fine himself for an excessive celebration. 

• Technological advances combined with desperate bookkeeping mean many people today rob Peter to PayPal.

• A good, warm shower is about as close to returning to the womb as we can get without inconveniencing Mom.

• I’d vow to never have more fun than a barrel of monkeys if I can be assured it'll never result in the inhumane cruelty of barreled monkeys.

• I so enjoy it I don't want sticks of butter, I want butter on a stick.

• In her restless quest to determine who has more omnipotence, daughter, 7, asked who has more elves: God or Santa?

• Men are from Mars, women from Venus, but Venus Williams is from Lynwood, California.

• I’d like to see Bruno Mars and Venus Williams get together and have a kid who could be described as earthy.

• The greatest lie we tell to one another is, “Hate to say I told you so, but ...” Saying, “I told you so,” is one of life’s greatest joys.

• Told 7-year-old if she squeeze a piece of coal hard enough she’ll make a diamond. She squeezed so hard she almost made a turd.

• If Jeremiah was, indeed, a bullfrog, who drove him to the liquor store to get his mighty fine wine? So much of the story remains untold.

• I wonder how guys like Bach and Beethoven reacted when during meltdowns someone told them to compose themselves.

• Chickens have breasts. Women have breasts. Women have nipples. Do chicken have nipples? Are chicken nipples some kind of delicacy?

• Don Cheadle was nominated for a 2004 Oscar for his role in "Hotel Rwanda." I love Cheadle but he didn't stand chance. Cheadles never win

• Many of us used to live lives of quiet desperation. Now, thanks to Twitter, all our desperation is at full blast. Let's turn it up to 11!

• Don’t take this wrong, but if you know more quotes from “Art of War” author Sun Tzu than you do Fred Rogers you’re probably an asshole.

• Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to be forever berated over their failure by those of us who do. 

• How come there isn't an '80s tribute band called Roberto Duran Duran?

• I’m thinking of opening fast food restaurant that uses really seasoned vegetable oils for fried chicken, etc. I'll call it "Ancient Grease” 

• I wonder how many times pretentious erotic film makers have re-done porno "Moby Dick" just to use the line, "Thar she blows!”

 • I’m inexperienced in either endeavor, but I imagine a tame goose chase would be just as exhilarating as a wild one.

• Palindrome should be spelled “palindromemordnilap”

• Someday I’m going to enter a house with “Welcome!” mat, sit on the couch, grab the remote & ask homeowner to bring me a beer and some chips

• Scientists will in 10 yrs figure way to harness hate as renewable energy. Good: it's green. Bad: Driving someone crazy will be civic minded. 

• Chicken fingers are one of America's most popular meals. Yet, chickens have no arms or hands. Something strange happens between farm & table.

• I’m going to stand in dimly lit room, extend video cam & spin ‘til I’m dizzy. Then I’ll post & boast I spent 2 mins in eye of a tornado.

• Your typical pessimist suffers from pre-traumatic stress disorder.

• Daughter, 8, surprised me by saying she dreams of going to Amsterdam. Why? She said she thought it'd be cute. She thought it was Hamsterdam.

• Being a world class juggler takes real balls. Or clubs, pins, etc.

• I plan on devoting tomorrow to conducting comprehensive study on marketing breath mints. I'll call it, "The Tactics of Tic Tacs.”

• I’m curious about the net worth of people who make nets.

• Wonder how much money I could make if I told people I could sell 'em skinny pills & sold 'em bottles full of pills with really slim waists. 

• If people who revere the Grateful Dead are called “Deadheads,” what does that make those of us who revere “Moby Dick?”

• Some might consider putting fancy prosthetics on injured animals faux paw.

• Cynics who do nothing but predict gloom and doom are misfortune tellers.

• I know it's going to lead to trouble, but I can't resist putting lit matches under ears of strangers and asking, "Are your ears burning?”

• I wonder if alpha walruses every get into beach shoving matches shouting, "I am the walrus!" "No, I am the walrus!" #coocookachu

• I think it's time we rename Buffalo to Uninhabitable. Humans can't live there. Heck, buffalo can't live in Buffalo.

• Porcine puppeteers pull hamstrings.

• Anytime I hear anyone saying "cooler heads will prevail," I keep hoping one of the cooler heads is wacky snowman Olaf from “Frozen.”