Monday, September 3, 2018

Summer tweet round-up

I used to do a monthly Twitter round-up and for the 5 or so years I was doing them I never once heard a reader say, “Man, I really look forward to those monthly Twitter round-ups.”

But that’s not the reason I went, yikes, 5 months without a round-up. Blame Twitter. It used to be mental jujitsu to try and craft an interesting sentiment in a mere 140 characters. But about, yes, 5 months ago they announced they were doubling the character limit, taking what was essentially a sushi bar and turning it into an all-you-can-tweet buffet. The craftsmanship was gone. 

Still, there’s a utility to me for saving tweets like this. Some of them wind up as the start of blog posts or in book chapters.

I mention all this because my friend Greg told me when we were having drinks at Nadine’s on Pittsburgh’s South Side that he’s crestfallen when he sees it’s a Twitter round-up.

“I want to see the 700-word blog post that is well thought-out and has a beginning and end.”

So, sorry, Greg, to disappoint. I’ll have one of those for you and all my friends tomorrow.

Happy Labor Day. For completists like my friend Greg, here’s a ’16 post where I suggested we change Labor Day to Leisure Day.

• My next big money maker: Gonna start a tribute boy band of unruly young posers capable of performing credible versions of "Kashmir," "Whole Lotta Love," and "Stairway to Heaven." "Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for ... LAD ZEPPELIN!”

• Watchdog group says EPA's Pruitt's $43,000 Cone of Silence is unethical and must be returned. Can I suggest it be placed over the heads of every single person on the planet?

• I will devote part of the day to teaching my beloved daughter how to drive, the whole time feeling like a warden who's cheerfully teaching an inmate how to escape.

• My ego is so massive whenever I spy my 15 year old texting in the car when it's just the two of us, I imagine she's alerting friends, "I have the greatest Daddy in the world!”

• I enjoy asking the waitress at the family restaurant if she has chicken fingers and when she says yes, saying, "Oh, you're being too hard on yourself. Sure, they're hideous, but they still appear human.”

• I may be misjudging the man, but I suspect every time Trump leaves the White House he steals a towel or two.

• Did your Mom ever write your name on your undershirt tag? She was years ahead of her time. Mom: inventor of the original Collar ID.

• People who want to appear more interesting get tattoos. People who want to become more interesting get library cards.

• Dressmakers who grow their own cotton sew what they reap.

• Which of these two colossal oxymorons is more endangered of becoming extinct: common sense or common decency?

• If I were a geologist, I'd become famous by writing a scholarly paper declaring precisely when Mother Nature lost her virginity and describing in detail all the earthly consequences.

• I have no fear of women ruling the world. My fear is that when women rule the world they will begin to behave like men.

• Does anyone else find it odd the man who did more to advance the cause of reminding America to get its pets spayed and neutered was named Barker?

• We seem doomed to live in an era where the dominant sounds are a dreadful cycle of gunfire followed by moments of silence broken by gunfire followed by more moments of silence broken by gunfire …

• Partisans disdain Obama being a recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize. Others mock the idea of Trump getting one. Me, I dream of living in a world where EVERYONE did something to make them eligible.

• Trying to explain the value of books to someone who does not read is like trying to explain the value of air to fish. 

• World’s greatest sales people must work for Spam. Think of the intrinsic hurdles they must overcome just to get calls/e-mails returned.

• If women are, indeed, the fairer sex then that must by default make me a member of the unfairer sex. So it's all beginning to make sense.

• I used to think I had a brain but it was all in my head.

• Anyone who aspires to teach the whole world to sing in perfect harmony has never spent a minute at a karaoke bar after 10 p.m.

• When you're diagnosed with a bad disease and some well-meaning friend says everything happens for a reason you can't help but feel the reason you've been diagnosed with a bad disease is God must hate you.

• On this day in 1975, Steven Spielberg released "Jaws," thus marking for the first time in Hollywood history even marquee actors were happy to boast about having "bit" parts.

• Had a great family OBX vacation marred only by one incident initiated when kids asked if they could bury me in sand. Sure, I said. I'm game. But when they had me completely immobilized, the little bastards stole my shoes & wallet. I should've known better. They weren't my kids.

• Do the females who make Elmer's Glue consider themselves Bond girls or would that make them stuck up?

• I have no objection to common ignorance. What I object to is so much ignorance masquerading as certainty.

• It’s not uncommon to hear people say people suck. Don't you believe it. Try this: Walk down the street and smile at every stranger. Most every stranger will reflexively smile right back. They don't suck. Soon there won't be any strangers left and everyone will be smiling.

• It boggles my mind that in '96 multi-millionaires Johnny Cash and Tom Petty collaborated on an album called "Unchained." Imagine the cover possibilities had they called the obvious: "Petty Cash.”

• Rising oceans threaten shorelines while wildfires rage across the West. Am I the only one who believes we could solve two problems with one really long hose?

• I wonder what kind of Mother's Day gift Mick Jagger got his Mum the year after he made a lot of loot singing a song that included the line, "I was raised by a toothless, bearded hag.”

• Saw angry parents running after a boy they'd named Chase and screaming for him to come back, oblivious to the irony.

• Because of the noisy commotion associated with the happy event, I propose we change "orgasm" to ‘ROARgasm."

• People say my career is really taking off. They're right. It is. It's just that the  damn runway is really, really long.

• Abraham Lincoln urged we move on from the Civil War "with malice toward none." Today our leaders promote so much malice toward anyone with whom we disagree it's surprising any one with an opinion can walk down the street without being drenched in spit.

• Imagine the money some savvy entrepreneur is going to make when he or she figures out a way to harness the last great source of untapped clean energy -- converting to electricity all the energy generated round-the-clock by those pedaling exercise bikes or running treadmills.

• Gettysburg, Antietam, Vicksburg, Bull Run, Chickamauga -- the Civil War lasted 4 years and I can name dozens of battles. Our war in Afghanistan will soon be 17 years old and the only battle most can name is Tora Bora. My question: Has war changed or have we?

• News of declining newspaper circulation saddens me. You could say it de-presses.

• I’m friends with many old white guys who claim to be "woke." The problem is many of them keep pounding the snooze alarm.

• Commentators keep pointing out how Aretha Franklin made President Obama cry during his inauguration. Big deal. I'll bet Trump does something twice a day that makes Obama cry.

• The literalist in me revels in the fact that the Great Plains state of Iowa has a senator named Grassley and yearns for the day when Wisconsin voters send to Washington their Senator Cheesey.

• Just enjoyed afternoon at @WestmdCountyPA Fair. The highlight? As always, walking through the rabbit exhibit singing, "Cannn ... any bunny ... find me ... some bunny to love? Some bunny! Some bunny! Find me some bunny to love!" 

• If a handwriting expert said analysis of your signature indicated it was likely that you're an obnoxious asshole, would you vow to become a better person or simply begin altering your signature?

• He’s such a fuddy-duddy I'm not sure it would even help, but if I were advising the VP, I'd tell him to hold a press conference and say, "It's time for me to come clean. My name isn't Mike Pence. It's Mike Pants!” Like “Mike pants when Mother bends over in the garden.”

• One of the great oddities of the human existence is that many otherwise mature adults will answer in the affirmative when asked, "Do you want to see something disgusting?”

• If John McCain is as meticulous about posthumous details as we've heard, I hope he's hired security to monitor his grave to prevent President Trump from sneaking in to piss all over it because that's the kind of guy he is. I'm being totally serious.

• Woke up this morning furious to realize that while both the guitar and the sitar are wood-based fretted instruments whose names rhyme, the guitar is spelled with an utterly superfluous "u." I'll get over it but, man. C'mon! 

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