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Wednesday, September 3, 2014

August tweets were very good. Honest!

Here’s are 30 8days2amish tweets from what I consider my strongest month since November. See if you can guess my favorite (answer at the end).

• Can anyone explain to me how The Weather Channel let a reporter named Hanna Storm get away?

• I may not be the best father in the world but I never said, “I have a good idea! Let’s let The Stooges babysit the kids!”

• I haven't researched it but if there isn't a rapper who calls his bad self Sir Real there ought to be.

• Powerful thunderstorms through nudist colony could lead to flesh flooding.

• Enjoyed seeing "Dawn of Planet of Apes" with my wife, but think it would have been more interesting if I'd seen it with Jane Goodall.

• Your typical pessimist suffers from pre-traumatic stress disorder.

• Bad news: Russian mobsters have stolen 1.2 billion #passwords. Good news: we’ll now know who to call next time we forget our passwords.

• Quick! Anyone know if there are any symbols for cymbals?

• Daughter, 8, surprised me by saying she dreams of going to Amsterdam. Why?She said she thot it'd be cute. She thot it was Hamsterdam.

• I’m not up to speed on bovine anatomy, but I have to think a rump roast would come from a bum steer.

• Workplace banter is to be encouraged, but I wouldn’t want to be a seamstress when the co-workers decide it's time to needle one another.

• Being a world class juggler takes real balls. Or clubs, pins, etc.

• Most guys in hardware stores don't call a spade a spade. Most guys in hardware stores call a spade a shovel.

• I plan on devoting tomorrow to conducting comprehensive study on marketing breath mints. I'll call it, "The Tactics of Tic Tacs."

• It says a lot about our cultural confusions that caffeine free is as popular an option as free caffeine.

• It would be delicious news to ironic historians if for her last meal Joan of Arc requested steak.

• I’ve always found the idea of crying over spilt milk incomprehensible, but I still weep inconsolably over recollection of dropped bourbon.

• Shakespeare succeeded without the services of a press agent. Go ahead and check the history books. There's no such thing as Bard publicity.

• I’d vow to never have more fun than a barrel of monkeys if I can be assured it'll never result in the inhumane cruelty of barreled monkeys

• I’m curious about the net worth of people who make nets.

• Exorcising your demons can lead to spiritual peace. Exercising your demons just leads to really fit demons.

• No excess yeast is used in the making of pita bread. No animals were harmed in the making of #PETA bread.

• For a guy who became famous singing "Born To Run," I'll wager Bruce Springsteen doesn't even own a pair track shoes.

• Because you never hear of the word gist by itself (“Gimme gist.”), I’ll from now on spell it thegist. That’s thegist of today’s lesson.

• Question: Which would appear more odd, you with your dog's nose or your dog with yours?

• Scientists will one day announce they've  developed animal herd made completely of bacon. Herd will become extinct 4 minutes later.

• I one day dream of seeing an obituary with a typo that declares a long-time baker made donuts his hole life.

• Ham radios will regain their popularity once manufacturers conceive a way to construct them out of hams.

• I wonder how much money I could make if I told people I could sell ‘em skinny pills and sold ‘em bottles full of pills with really slim waists.

•I wonder what God says when Jesus sneezes.

I like the one about net worth of net owners, the balls of jugglers and and ham radios made out of hams, but I have to go with “The Tactics of Tic Tacs.” That came to me and I liked it so much I took the rest of the day off.

Of course, like most day, no one noticed.

Join me and my 273 followers at 8days2amish! Only 16,407,238 more until I catch Ashton Kutcher!



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