Tweets of the months & what I think that @PiedPiper has more followers than me

I guess it shouldn’t come as any surprise, but @PiedPiper has about 10 times more followers than @8days2amish.

I know what you’re thinking. I’m thinking it, too.

Rats.

• I wonder if alpha walruses every get into beach shoving matches shouting, "I am the walrus!" "No, I am the walrus!” #CooCooKaChu

• I wish more black and white people would stop looking at all race issues like everything was so black and white. 

• Gas prices below $3 a gallon can only mean the Middle East has become a bastion of stability and peace.

• All my life people have been telling me, "Chris, you can't do this," or "Chris, you can't do that." Can't. Can’t. Can’t. Know something? They've been mostly right.

• The term "penniless" has lost all value for describing an impoverished individual. Probably been 30 years since Trump's even seen a penny.

• Conservative whites livid when wished Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas think blacks over-reacting about unarmed blacks getting killed by conservative whites.

• Had I known how deeply having children would cut into my TV viewing time, my Facebook profile would now feature pictures of our hamsters, Josie & Lucy.

• During this season of joy and family togetherness do you ever wonder if Madonna and Dennis Rodman ever look back and lament how it all went so wrong?

• Porcine puppeteers pull hamstrings.

• Mood rings are cool, but I’m holding out for mood underwear.

• I’m all for a color-blind society, but am fearful what the results'll mean to our nation's sock drawers.

• Store receipts getting so long it is now be possible to wrap new toaster in new toaster receipts.

• Geography-studying daughter, 8, thinks pronunciation of European is hilarious. Can't wait to tell her about Africa's Lake Titicaca.

• I believe in a vengeful God who every time I say something sarcastic or snarky to my 82-year-old mother adds another 18 months to her life.

• Who else loves psilent letters!

• Because it lasted from 1337 to 1453 I propose we rename the 100 Years War, the Most Inaccurately Named War.

• I’d like to be a fly on the wall when flies on the wall discuss their bafflement over why any human would ever want to be a fly on the wall

• Hysterical insider reaction to Sony hacking scandal is funniest thing they've done since '97 Jack Nicholson film, "As Good As It Gets.”

• I should be awarded Nobel Peace Prize every year for never saying exactly what pops into my mind the instant my jerk-detector goes “Ding!”

• Just because Adolph Hitler's book is ranked 8,839 and mine is ranked 399,009 doesn't mean "Mein Kampf"is better than "Use All The Crayons!”

• Do other animals in nature use their tails to wipe their tears or is that behavior exclusive to the Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz?

• Anytime I hear anyone saying "cooler heads will prevail," I keep hoping one of the cooler heads is wacky snowman Olaf from “Frozen.” Truly, all snowmen have cooler heads.

• I fear when I conclude this journey of self-discovery we call life I'll discover my true self's still in 7th grade shooting spitballs at the stupid math sub.

• The only continent incapable of  supporting the world’s most prolific species -- the ant -- is the one that begins with the letters A-N-T.

• Know what it means when you hear "Hoo! Hoo!" in the trees this week? Owl be home for Christmas!

• “Godspell” is a popular theatrical production. “Spell God” is a question that will get public school teachers into trouble with the ACLU

• Do you think it ever bugged Jesus that His birthday was on Christmas? 

• This will be the Christmas I'll be remembered for yelling "Blucher!" just before the horsey sound on "Sleigh Bells.”

• I’m the kind of pacifist who adores slapstick comedy but is offended by the idea of anyone getting slapped with a stick.

• I wonder if veteran ladder salesmen think they're being funny when they ask customers if they want the former ladder or the latter ladder.

• Just saw the name “Christian” is 34th most #PopularBoyName. I’ll let you know when I get to the name “Atheist.”

• My gut reaction anytime I see a car with "Liberty or Death" bumper sticker is to enslave then execute the demanding driver.

• I miss the days when airline security meant someone asked if you were carrying a bomb and really didn't care much about your answer.

• Rainy days and Mondays always gets me thinking about the song "Rainy Days and Mondays" by the Carpenters. 

• Wish for '15: May you one day be as happy as all your Facebook friends mistakenly think you are based on your pics and posts.

• My great contradiction is telling daughters how unimportant it is to be cool while desperately clinging to the meager cool I have left.

August tweets were very good. Honest!

Here’s are 30 8days2amish tweets from what I consider my strongest month since November. See if you can guess my favorite (answer at the end).

• Can anyone explain to me how The Weather Channel let a reporter named Hanna Storm get away?

• I may not be the best father in the world but I never said, “I have a good idea! Let’s let The Stooges babysit the kids!”

• I haven't researched it but if there isn't a rapper who calls his bad self Sir Real there ought to be.

• Powerful thunderstorms through nudist colony could lead to flesh flooding.

• Enjoyed seeing "Dawn of Planet of Apes" with my wife, but think it would have been more interesting if I'd seen it with Jane Goodall.

• Your typical pessimist suffers from pre-traumatic stress disorder.

• Bad news: Russian mobsters have stolen 1.2 billion #passwords. Good news: we’ll now know who to call next time we forget our passwords.

• Quick! Anyone know if there are any symbols for cymbals?

• Daughter, 8, surprised me by saying she dreams of going to Amsterdam. Why?She said she thot it'd be cute. She thot it was Hamsterdam.

• I’m not up to speed on bovine anatomy, but I have to think a rump roast would come from a bum steer.

• Workplace banter is to be encouraged, but I wouldn’t want to be a seamstress when the co-workers decide it's time to needle one another.

• Being a world class juggler takes real balls. Or clubs, pins, etc.

• Most guys in hardware stores don't call a spade a spade. Most guys in hardware stores call a spade a shovel.

• I plan on devoting tomorrow to conducting comprehensive study on marketing breath mints. I'll call it, "The Tactics of Tic Tacs."

• It says a lot about our cultural confusions that caffeine free is as popular an option as free caffeine.

• It would be delicious news to ironic historians if for her last meal Joan of Arc requested steak.

• I’ve always found the idea of crying over spilt milk incomprehensible, but I still weep inconsolably over recollection of dropped bourbon.

• Shakespeare succeeded without the services of a press agent. Go ahead and check the history books. There's no such thing as Bard publicity.

• I’d vow to never have more fun than a barrel of monkeys if I can be assured it'll never result in the inhumane cruelty of barreled monkeys

• I’m curious about the net worth of people who make nets.

• Exorcising your demons can lead to spiritual peace. Exercising your demons just leads to really fit demons.

• No excess yeast is used in the making of pita bread. No animals were harmed in the making of #PETA bread.

• For a guy who became famous singing "Born To Run," I'll wager Bruce Springsteen doesn't even own a pair track shoes.

• Because you never hear of the word gist by itself (“Gimme gist.”), I’ll from now on spell it thegist. That’s thegist of today’s lesson.

• Question: Which would appear more odd, you with your dog's nose or your dog with yours?

• Scientists will one day announce they've  developed animal herd made completely of bacon. Herd will become extinct 4 minutes later.

• I one day dream of seeing an obituary with a typo that declares a long-time baker made donuts his hole life.

• Ham radios will regain their popularity once manufacturers conceive a way to construct them out of hams.

• I wonder how much money I could make if I told people I could sell ‘em skinny pills and sold ‘em bottles full of pills with really slim waists.

•I wonder what God says when Jesus sneezes.

I like the one about net worth of net owners, the balls of jugglers and and ham radios made out of hams, but I have to go with “The Tactics of Tic Tacs.” That came to me and I liked it so much I took the rest of the day off.

Of course, like most day, no one noticed.

Join me and my 273 followers at 8days2amish! Only 16,407,238 more until I catch Ashton Kutcher!

Related . . .

November: my best tweet month ever

My 1,000th tweet

January ’13 tweets of the month

December tweets of the month: 68 good 'uns.

After two years, I think I’ve about got the hang of this Twitter thing, which means I’m due for a slump that will make me want to give it all up as a big waste of time. But the last two months I’ve been very prolific with lots of good ones, at least in my opinion. See for yourself.

Oh, and I’ll have my second annual tweets of the year round-up in the next couple of days. Follow my tweets at 8days2amish if you're ever impatient for them.

Go Steelers!

• True faith isn't believing in God. True faith is when Curly yells, "Moe! Larry! Help! Help!" and believes the situation will improve.

• I’m so pretentiously self-important my voice mail ends, “If this is a real emergency please call 911.” Like others call me to sked surgery.

• Earth is the last place anyone will ever hear the question: Friend or foe? In heaven, it’ll be, “Friend or lover?” In hell, “Foe or in-law?”

• It reveals a profound ignorance about my understanding of pharmaceuticals, but I'm surprised iron supplements don't weigh more.

• I'm surprised more chiropractors don't advertise that their patients are better adjusted.

• When Yosemite Sam says, "Say your prayers, rabbit!" does Bugs Bunny pray to the same God as you and I?

• Romantic trees can never be accused of being "too sappy."

• Must be tough for peg-leg pirate captains to be taken seriously when they say they’re really going to put their foot down.

• A mohawk is a colorful hairdo. A Moe Hawk is an irrationally angry bird that inflicts slapstick violence on a Curly Hawk or Larry Hawk.

• I advise people to not fixate on diet. A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

• I enjoy the convenience of the modern devices, but I sometimes find myself nostalgic for the days when phones were still phone shaped.

• Many newspapers today reporting on their 15-yr-old websites that still have bugs that 8-wk-old healthcare.gov  website still has bugs

• If I restricted conversation to only enlightened thinkers it would be a very lonely existence and I’d have to stop talking to even myself.

• Batteries die and come back to life so frequently I'm surprised there's not a cult. Worked out for Jesus. 

• Scientists will in 10 yrs figure way to harness hate as renewable energy. Good: it's green. Bad: Driving someone crazy will be civic minded.

• A pessimist dwells on the fact that Smallpox killed 15 million. An optimist says at least it wasn't Bigpox.

• Dozens of "pilot" whales stranded/lost near Everglades. Given my experience, I'm guessing these pilots work for USAirways.

• Has anyone thought about what we’re going to do with all the telephone poles once the whole world’s wireless?

• Do other animals in nature use their tails to wipe their tears or is that behavior exclusive to the Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz?

• Nelson Mandela, one of the world's great leaders, is gone. Who'll fill his shoes? Geez, I guess it's Bono.

• It says something about accomplishments of Nelson Mandela that his death has temporarily made people forget actor Paul Walker's gone.

• Given their penchant for relentless self-promotion, I'm surprised NBC didn't cast Al Roker for the Sister Maria role.

• I’m so simple-minded I still rush to put an X in center square of every hashtag then sit there and wait for someone to make the next move.

• The more I see and learn of Pope Francis the more I hope he lives another 100 or so years.

• Even the most successful vegetable farmers are doomed to live in the seediest parts of town.

• When Mandela said we need to stop hating everyone he wasn't including Tom Brady and Bill Belichick, was he? No way, right?

• I'd like to be a fly on the wall when flies on the wall discuss their bafflement over why any human would ever want to be a fly on the wall

• Someday I hope I'm as happy as all the girls in the hair commercials. They make having really great hair seem utterly euphoric.

• Just saw the name “Christian” is 34th most popular boy name. I’ll let you know when I get to the name “Atheist.”

• We should distribute phone numbers in order of importance. It’d be fun to watch Trump argue that he, not God, should be #1.

• Mandela forgave jailers 44 years wrongful imprisonment. I want lethal revenge on those who cost me 75 secs by stopping at stale yellows

• It's a cruel irony that things that could most benefit from alcoholic diversion - church, work, parenting - require at least some sobriety

• I love slapstick comedy, but the idea of watching a film where people get slapped with sticks makes me sad.

• It was the greatest impostor performance since Lt. Frank Drebin pretended to be both a MLB umpire and opera tenor Enrico Pallazzo.

• My faith in humanity is always restored anytime I see someone get out of a handicap space with a cane. Me, I always fake a little limp.

• My tweets are more lively when I'm agitated, yet I still strive for serenity. Thus, my life's great paradox.

• The people in our lives we most frequently exhort to "have fun!" are the ones least in need of that kind of advice.

• Runways among our most illogical words. Planes never run on runways. If we named them after what happens most on them they'd be waitways.

• I was just in my mind listing the 5 most influential people from my life; 4 of them are bartenders. It’s all starting to make sense.

• The next song Rod Stewart records will make his ratio of crap songs to 30-year-old good ones about 25-to-1

• Shoes are our most human-like accessory. Like us, they have tongues, eyeholes, heels, toes -- if they had souls not soles they'd be equals.

• Self-cannabalization gives literal depth to the old you-are-what-you-eat dietary adage.

• Being on the web, today's Yellow Pages are neither yellow nor pages.

• “Godspell” is a popular theatrical production. “Spell God” is a question that will get public school teachers into trouble with the ACLU.

• I love brats on a bun, but hate having them in my neighborhood. The cruel paradox will again keep me awake tonight.

• This is just a hunch, but they must use lots and lots of hand sanitizer in Germany.

• I'm surprised none of the hand soap people have used Pontius Pilot in ads.

• Given the dietary challenges Paleolithic cavemen faced, I'm surprised Fred & Barney were tubby. I'm surprised they found time to bowl, too.

• If making botanical sense was a goal of our language, pineapples would grow on pine trees.

• Remember, having a really great relationship with the Lord doesn’t mean you can treat the rest of us like crap.

• I'm trying to persuade daughters to rename our annoying little yip dog Peeve, so I can with all honesty say, "And this dog is my pet Peeve."

• Attending church scares me. I'm fearful I'll need to bury my inner smart ass so deeply it will suffocate and life will become meaningless

• Skeptics abound, but I swear if www.ChristianMingle.com  is a success, then www.ChristianFornicator.com  would have to hit, too!

• Most of the those engaged in pathetic argument about whether Santa is white or black probably stopped believing in Santa when they were 4.

• It used to be said that religion was opiate of the masses. No more. Today, it’s basic cable television and increasingly things like opium.

• Honesty without tact is like brain surgery without anesthesia. The operation could cure but the complications can kill.

• Who else here loves psilent letters!

• If Flex Seal works as well as the commercials say it does, I'll never need Right Guard again!

• Women who purse their lips are apt to put their money where their mouth is.

• The person you see for oral difficulties should be called a mouthist or toothist. A dentist should be who you see after a fender bender.

• Equine proctologists would never dream of looking a gift horse in the mouth.

• “It’s a Wonderful Life” rates 95 percent on www.RottenTomatoes.com. Question: Who are the jackass 6 percent?

• Nana just demolished any chance at being cool in granddaughter's eyes by responding, "Susan Boyle," when asked to name her favorite Beatle.

• Now, pope is saying atheists are people, too. He's either a heretic or God's ironic gift to secular humanists.

• I'm sure he was a perfectly competent carpenter, but I think Jesus missed his calling. He’d have been one hell of a bartender

• For authenticity's sake, websites should be run by spiders.

• “Breaking Bad” marathon reminding me how Walter and Jesse are the Abbott & Costello of meth manufacturer/dealers.

• I'll bet if Lazarus had a brother or sister they were jealous that he wound up getting two birthdays a year.