Tweets of the Month

Does it diminish some of the magic if I confess I sometimes re-run evergreen tweets from 8days2amish? I hope not.

It’s just I consider my twitter account different from your typical one. With the exception of my own blog notifications, I rarely re-post other tweets or link to stories or pictures you might find interesting. I don’t think you need more of that.

I prefer to think of my twitter feed like I’m dispensing fortune cookies without the cookie.

So every once in a while I cull the herd and re-post something I think is amusing or thought-provoking. Just thought you should know.

I think May was a nice run and it included what I think is one of my best tweets ever. That was this one:

“If marriage is so great then how come God’s still single?”

Do you agree? If yes, just think really, really hard and we’ll communicate telepathically.

•I humbly try and include at least one deliberate typo in everything I write lest people think I'm too perfict.

• I’m so pretentiously self-important my voice mail ends with, “If this is a real emergency please call 911.” Like others call me to schedule surgery.

• I'm inexperienced in either endeavor, but I imagine a tame goose chase would be just as exhilarating as a wild one.

• It bugs me that more than one cactus is cacti when by all logic it should at least be cactwo.

• Being in the presence of friends so good that conversation is unnecessary is calmeraderie.

• If Jeremiah was, indeed, a bullfrog, who drove him to the liquor store to get his mighty fine wine? So much of the story remains untold.

• Do sober people who are on the wagon fight over who gets to be the wagon's designated driver?

• Must be tough for peg-leg pirate captains to be taken seriously when they say they’re really going to put their foot down.

• Aggressive stationary salesmen are always pushing the envelope.

• If people who revere the Grateful Dead are called “Deadheads,” what does that make those of us who revere “Moby Dick?”

• NY Jets owner Woody Johnson has the greatest unintentional porn name since Andy Roddick.

• Imagine the promotional bonanza if '70s pop icon Meatloaf was wrong and there really was a Coupe de Ville hidden at the bottom of a Crackerjack box.

• Don Cheadle was nominated for a 2004 Oscar for his role in "Hotel Rwanda" I love Cheadle but he didn't stand chance. Cheadles never win.

• I abhor gun violence, but any armed woman should be able to shoot any man wearing an "If you can read this, the bitch fell off" t-shirt.

• I’m always at a loss for words whenever I take the dog out and he looks up at me like I’m supposed to congratulate him when he craps.

• A hyphen-nation is a land to which grammarians will likely dash.

Related . . .

February ’12 Tweets

75 Best Tweets of 2012!

How come there isn't a Mrs. God?

(792 words)

If marriage is so great how come God’s still single?

I have a single friend who lives in New York City, has a good job and a swanky apartment. He enjoys the theater, eating out and is something of a wine connoisseur. He dates around, but he’s never married. He’s what matchmaker females refer to as a “good catch.”

But, man, he’s no God.

He’s not even Derek Jeter.

You have to wonder why by now there’s not a Mrs. God.

If God can’t endure a truly holy matrimony how on earth are the rest of us ever supposed to?

I come to this question as one of those guys who believes he is in a splendid marriage even on days when I do things that convince me my own poor wife is in a rotten one.

I play a lot of golf, attend baseball games and spend hour after sudsy hour in the tavern with my friends where I wonder aloud what it would be like if I had a real job or at least spent a slim part of my day learning how to master things like the ability to tile a bathroom floor.

There are many, many days when, I’m sure, she’d exchange me -- an underemployed blogger/author/worm farmer -- for any guy with a steady paycheck and trusty grout trowel.

I don’t know how she does it without any apparent pharmaceutical crutch.

Maybe I should make her submit to a drug test.

I like marriage and I love my wife. Yet, I’m honest enough to appreciate inherent flaws in both myself and the institution of marriage -- all the while being aware enough to avoid even hinting my darling wife is in the least bit flawed.

So let’s not regard any of the following through my own matrimonial prism. And, note, that’s matrimonial prism.

Not matrimonial prison.

My point is, just imagine what kind of guy I’d be without a spousal governor there to regulate my god-given penchant for misbehavior. Mismatched socks, mustard stained shirts and monthly penicillin shots would be just the tip of the illicit iceberg.

I’ve for 16 years been a husband who at least tries, a man who’s mindful of his obligations and what’s expected of him, a man eager to prove to his wife he “gets it.”

Example: When I hear her walking into the room where I’m watching television I reflexively stand up before she gets there, hoping the motion will confuse her into thinking I’ve either just completed a task or else am about to engage one.

I’ve always said a long marriage is a terrific antidote to excessive ego. This might be helpful to the Creator who must at least once in a while find Himself smiling in the mirror and saying, “Hey, you’re God!”

Sure, most of us can agree God is great, God is good, but is there a chance he’d be greater -- gooder -- with a good wife behind Him keeping him on his divine toes.

We’re taught in Sunday school that God created heaven and earth in six days and on the seventh day He rested.

Racial hatreds, famine, unanswered prayers for justice -- judging by the state of the world, it often seems like He’s still on the couch with the clicker in His hand.

Maybe that’s part of the problem. We’re told man was created in His image.

We males often act like we were created solely in the image of God Day VII, the one at rest.

And if marriage is so important to God, then why didn’t He ordain Jesus get hitched?

Image how different history would be if the widow Jesus had carried on his name and mission. But marriage was not in the cards for Christ.

Instead, we’re left with an entirely contradictory example. When it came to marital matters, what did Jesus do?

He hung with hookers! Many reputable Biblical scholars contend Mary Magdalene was a repentant prostitute. Understanding the tenets of forgiveness and holy redemption, the scold in me still is left wondering, geez, what kind of example is that?

Having the two preeminent religious figures from the Bible be inexperienced with the primary human relationship is about as absurd as having a major faith be run exclusively by mostly old white men who’ve vowed to never marry or have sex.

Bad example.

So maybe it’s time the busybodies who can’t stand to see an eligible gent left to enjoy himself task themselves with finding God a suitable match, someone who will ensure He’s more attentive to all the pressing family duties.

As we’re all God’s children, it’s something in which we all have a considerable stake.

We could all use a little more quality time with the old man.

Related . . .

J-students quiz Christ

National No-Pray Week

What if Tebow is Jesus

How old will you be in heaven?