@8Days2Amish Tweets of the Month!

In keeping with Twitter protocol, I’ll keep this preamble short. have a great weekend. And follo @8days2Amish!

• Just because a person's bad at math doesn’t mean he or she can’t be considered calculating.

• Chances of getting rope aficionados to call themsleves "Knotsies" is the same as getting florists to call themselves petalphiles.

• I hope I live long enough to one day witness a lumberjack politician give a real stump speech.

• Given publishing trends, I can envision a day when angry judges bent on bestowing severe punishment will throw the Nook at miscreants.

• Real men never fret when they don't have a pot to piss in. You should see how resourceful we become when our bladders fill.

• I’m not saying we’re arrogant, but to those of us born under this Zodiac sign, it’ll always be Aquarius vs. Aquarithem.

• I have the same interest in learning speed reading as I do in learning speed sex.

• Given recent turmoils, I'm hoping Catholics think outside box for next pope. Really outside the box. I'm talking Pope Sarah Silverman.

• A headline that today works for both sports and news stories: "Cardinals hoping to find a replacement more powerful than Pujols."

• In case anyone still cares, Kate Gosselin tweeted she woke up this morning and overcame an impulse to stay in bed. I'll keep you posted.

• Chagrined my wife never "likes" anything I do on Facebook. I guess she's just being consistent.

• I without fail offer a cheerful "Have a nice day!" to those manning the fast food drive-thrus knowing full well it ain't gonna happen.

• Most of the people who so revere the 2nd Amendment would have difficulty articulating the constitutional guarantees of any of the other 26.

• Anyone wanna bet Mr. Peanut's first name is Shelly?

• OED word of the day is "nocent." Never heard of it? It means guilty. It's the opposite of innocent. Shouldn't it be outtocent?

• Stars not lining up for proposed meteor relief concert, which I'd hoped to call, "Rock stars opposed to star rocks."

• The day chickens begin laying Cadbury eggs is the day I become a chicken farmer.

• Avid spankers are the only people on earth whose ambition involves repeatedly hitting bottom.

• Spent last 20 mins trying in vain to slam anti-slam toilet seat lid. You've won this round, toilet seat, but you've not seen the last of me!

• So more guns will make us more safe? Why don't we have racks of guns by fire extinguishers: "In case of spree killer, break glass."

• We name our dogs Rover, Snickers, Socks and a plethora of other colorful handles. But you'll never meet a cricket that ain’t named Jiminy.

• Yahoo headline declares "Rachel McAdams split." Which half can I get?

• Giraffe racing would be a great sport. Every race would be neck and neck.

Related . . . 

• I am now the bar’s official Twitterist

• Fab actress Holland Taylor now following my tweets. Are you?

January tweets of the month!

I have no idea why I included an exclamation point up there in the headline. I guess I’m expecting confetti.

The 24 best 8days2Amish tweets from this month tend to trend toward puns. Cartoonist Doug Larson said, “The pun is the lowest form of humor -- unless you thought of it yourself.”

Speaks for itself.

What’s on deck? Barring other inspiration, I’ll rise with the roosters tomorrow and compose a post about the soldier who was given two donated arms to replace ones he lost in battle.

Doug Larson would no doubt consider it “disarming.”

• Question for the ages: Am I a pig because I eat too much Christmas ham or does eating too much Christmas ham make me a pig?

• Porn directors are the only people who should ever be allowed to say, “Man up!”

• "Use All The Crayons!" now available in every Pittsburgh Barnes & Noble! Today Pittsburgh, tomorrow . . . Altoona!

• There are still many pockets of America where "Do you think rasslin's fake?" is considered a sophisticated pick-up line.

• I’m surprised you don’t hear more top male porn stars described as “swell.”

• Folks who run for office on the promise of maintaining status quo should be called cantdidates.

• Another week has passed and once again my heirloom achievement is I didn't drop my phone in the toilet.

• Just came to me: Superman would sometimes escape wearing an S cape. Alas, this is destined to become my e=mc2.

• Logically, dictionaries should be called definitionaries.

• If I had a dime every time I heard someone start a sentence with "If I had a dime . . ." I'd probably have about $34.80.

• More people would attend church -- not if church promised eternal salvation -- but if church promised to get you out of church in 30 mins.

• A hyphen-nation is a land to which grammarians will likely dash.

• The only time it’s proper to say someone’s been “jarred” awake is when Moe does it to Curly and it involves an actual jar.

• I HOPE I DIE BEFORE THE DAY ARRIVES WHEN EVERYONE IS SO ANGRY THAT EVERYTHING WE WRITE IS IN ALL CAPS.

• Just discovered Crayola has a color called “Macaroni & Cheese.” Be warned: it tastes nothing like the real thing and Listerine won’t help.

• Call me crazy, but I'm hoping Obama inaugural includes at least one Knock-Knock joke.

• In the future everything will be biodegradable and will disintegrate at specified times, sure to embarrass lovers of 2nd hand clothes.

• Disappointed in Gatorade's decision to remove flame retardant from sports drink. How will I now achieve my goal of becoming less flammable?

• Solar plexus sounds like some kind of exciting new green energy, but something in my gut tells me it is not.

• Just because a person's bad at math doesn’t mean he or she can’t be considered calculating.

• A person who eats human flesh, but insists on dainty portions is a Cannibler.

• Strive to do things that will earn you a proverbial feather in your cap, but try to at all costs avoid wearing caps with feathers.

• Sad thing about being on the verge of turning 50. Now I can drop dead any day and 20-somethings will say, "I'll miss him but, hey, he lived a good long life."

• Do profanity-averse parents insist their children refer to the monumental Nevada structure as the Hoover Darn?

• Chances of getting rope aficionados to call themsleves "Knotsies" are the same as getting florists to call themselves petalphiles.

Related . . .

• 75 best tweets of 2012!