Wednesday, May 20, 2020

#ObamaGate: My theories, your conspiracies





I think it would be beneficial if scientists devoted their efforts to enlarging the coronavirus. I don’t mean statistically or theoretically. I’m talking about making each actual virus larger.

Like the size of a kickball.

We’re talking bigly.

See, one of the problems I see with coronavirus is you can’t see coronavirus. It’s invisible. Hidden enemy.

That means about half you bastards out there feel justified in denying it even exists. And that’s making those of us who believe in people like scientists and things like microscopes bat shit crazy.

I’m friends with about a dozen cranks who if they were diagnosed, hospitalized and done in by coronavirus would as their dying wish have their tombstone chiseled to read, “I STILL say it’s a hoax!”

Add their names to the roster of the dead, 92,258, most in the world and a ghoulish twist on the 2016 presidential boast “we’re gonna be so sick of winning.”

Will any of us be well enough to attend the traditional White House hamberder victory feast?

Kickball-sized viruses would unify this tragically divided country, reduce the virus population, and become a healthy, productive way for truth-doubting skeptics to blow off homicidal steam.

Right now, the coronavirus is 125 nanometers, that’s 125,000,000,000. It’s a really big number that denotes a really small menace. How small?

It’s about the size of the brains of most of the conspiracy-theorists who think they know what they’re talking about. 

We’re talking microscopic.

And it just takes one if ‘em to kill you. It can enter through your open mouth or eyes, etc.

You’d think that would be incentive to keeping our mouths shut, but no. In fact, people can’t seem to shut the hell up.

The dominance of one pandemic has unleashed another that misleads people into thinking they’re informed and the rest of us care what they have to say.

A kickball-sized covid would bounce off the heads of most people but if you, say,  refer to Dr. Fauci, as “the chief buffoon,” as Tucker Carlson does, any nearby virus will magically resize to Tic Tac dimensions and make a bee-line for your esophagus where it will latch on and have really tiny babies. 

And if they were kickball-sized they would bestow existential meaning to the lives of couch potato conspiracy theorists. 

If they saw a herd of the ball-sized viruses stampeding down the street, they could separate from the sofa and — cardio! — render pursuit. But not before strapping on the firearms!

It’ll be open season on the virus and our 2nd Amendment romantics will be able to open fire on anything covid-color running through the neighborhood.

They won’t even need to wait to see if there’s any security video of the target virus wandering unattended through an open construction site.

I mention this now because I’m fed up reading the conspiracy theories that end with the annihilation of people who think like me.

We believe the experts, think the suffering is legit, think a reasonable recovery doesn’t require sacrificial body counts. We think we should be working to wipe out the virus, not contrary Democratic governors in battleground states.

Sick of all the winning?

Man, I’m sick of all the dying.



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4 comments:

Melissa Boerio said...

I want to like this 125,000,000,000,000 times. So sick of the deniers and conspiracy theorists.

papa said...

Wow !! Well said!! I even feel better that our religious leader has freed the churches to spread the flu to gain political support!! Don’t drink the wine!! You’ll be sorry!

clarabenet90@gmail.com said...

pretty picture and realistic. Get beta readers for your book using https://honestbookreview.com Beta readers help with editing, plot arcs and lend fresh eyes to the book.

Chris Rodell said...

Thanks Melissa and papa. Sometimes it just gets to be too much! Like hourly ...