Friday, March 30, 2018

March Tweets of the Month

This time I put my favorite right at the top. Heck, my second favorite is No. 2! Maybe I should one day put them all in order. Really, I should be more conscientious about weeding out the stinkers or maybe making it a top 10 list. But that might lead to a lot more thoughtfulness than I’m willing to expend. So, sorry, you’ll have to sift the chaff from the tweet.

Follow me @8Days2Amish! Or don’t. I’ll make sure if I write something I think you should see, you’ll see it.

The picture, by the way, was taken in the Tin Lizzy dining room during a brief '15 interlude when the kitchen was vacant. It's been busy ever since. Stop in. The food and atmosphere are great. This picture always makes me feel vaguely Hitchccockian.

Happy Easter!

• The pious nudist will always feel conflicted about becoming a man of the cloth.

• I don't think people appreciate the ferocity of a nor'easter. It's the only weather system capable of blowing two of its letters into apostrophic oblivion.

• I used to read one competent newspaper for 30 minutes each morning and spend the whole day feeling informed and accomplished. Now, I read dozens of news sources all day long and live in a constant state of bewilderment. Thanks internet!

• Does anyone else wonder if all the other kids made fun of him because Jeremiah was a bullfrog?

• I’m not going to folo you just because you folo me & promise more paid foloers. Look, if I pay for relationship, it'd better involve sex.

• Experts agree Parkland making a difference to adults in Washington sensing maybe -- just maybe -- our gun laws might need adjusting. So to you hundreds of victims from Sandy Hook, Orlando, Vegas, Columbine, Blacksburg, etc ... Thanks for nothing!

• Happy 142nd Birthday to the telephone! Imagine how different phones would have sounded if they'd have been invented by Alexander Graham Horn. Honk! Honk!

• Given trajectory of men's grooming standards I fully expect to within 2 years see ads advising me how to get a really close shave on my armpits.

• Nostradamus used his visionary mind to predict the future. A seer who does the same thing using only a keen sense of smell is Nostrildamus.

• A clear, sharp mind is a brute impediment to enjoying so much of life's wonder and whimsy. Not my problem!

• I’ve been drunk and I've been pretty and I've been pretty drunk, but never once when I've been drunk have I been considered pretty.

• One of the trickiest parts of being a father is advising teenagers about the virtues of abstinence and sobriety when some of my life's happiest memories involve being drunk and getting laid.

• All my life people have been telling me, "Chris, you can't do this," or "Chris, you can't do that." Can't. Can’t. Can’t. Know something? They've been mostly right.

• Had I known how deeply having children would cut into my TV viewing time, my Facebook profile would today feature pictures of our hamsters, Josie & Lucy.

• Conor Lamb is my congressman. And what a pleasure it was to type that sentence.

• I’m so cheap my idea of taking my wife to a fancy restaurant is a place that does NOT have the robber-height tape on all the door frames.

• In normal times, this prediction would be utterly preposterous, but something tells me Trump will reach a settlement with Stormy Daniels and part of that settlement will stipulate that Stormy Daniels will replace Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

• Today is the day I predict @realDonaldTrump tweets that animatronic Trump at Disney's Hall of Presidents is a BORING HAS-BEEN and ought to be replaced by Darrell Hammond.

• Being commissioned to do roof repairs at Big Ben is bound to be lucrative. Everyone is always working over time.

• I’d tell you one of the keys to being well-liked is to talk less, but I don't want to say too much.

• I plan on devoting tomorrow to conducting comprehensive study on marketing breath mints. I'll call it, "The Tactics of Tic Tacs.”

• I’ve read that turning the last page of a good book is like saying goodbye to a good friend. It's particularly jarring to me 'cause none of my good friends are ever book sober.

• How about this for a new rule? The only time you're allowed to show me pictures on your phone is when the pictures are of me and were taken in 1987 when for one week I looked sort of like this … (imagine a picture of Fabio)

• It’s becoming clear porn actresses and Playboy Playmates will have cheap sex with boorish and uncouth men as long as they're wealthy. Question: Will they have sex with a poor man if the compensation is intimacy with a gent of ample grace and wit? I'm, er, asking for a friend.

• I’m growing oddly nostalgic for the days when GOP leaders used to say, "Now, hold on. Let's wait to hear what Sarah thinks.”

• I’m such an optimist that I hope if I do go to hell, it's in a hand basket. We could picnic!

• The abundance of today's school activities for our daughters coupled with my habitual days of hooky means I'm now spending more time in high school than when I was in high school.

• I wonder how many people are hanging on with the Trump administration solely because their spouses want to milk as many swanky Mar-a-Lago weekends out of the association before it all goes pfft.

• Marjory Stoneman Douglas high now requiring students carry clear backpacks means NRA will today begin pressuring law makers on the 2nd Amendment right to carry invisible guns.

• This all-too-often godforsaken world of woe is riven by hatred, injustice, tyranny and want. But on April 27 the peerless Van Morrison is releasing his THIRD studio album in SIX months. Lesson? It's a great time to be alive!

• It says something about American priorities that there are a plethora of erectile dysfunction ads, yet none proposing cures for the cerebral kind.

• I wonder how many times designers of the first drawing board had to go back to the drawing board before getting it just right.

• Someday I’m going to enter a house with a front porch “Welcome!” mat, sit on the couch, grab the remote & ask homeowner to bring me a beer and some chips.

• Something you'll never hear me say to a porn star: "Say, babe, you remind me of my daughter!"

• With so many people seeking to carry concealed weapons, I tried to figure how many times I'd shoot myself each week if I carried. I figure 3.

• I may not be the best writer, the most successful writer, but I have a website that misleads people into thinking I'm just that. Check out ! Looking snazzy with new page about my soon-to-be-released Arnold Palmer book. Thanks, Robyn @ApolloDesign!

• Greatest drag on US productivity could be reversed if docs said they were just jokin' when they said male masturbation was a health benefit.

• I propose they rename phone book "The Big Book of Names & Numbers of People You Don't Know, Will Never Meet & Will Never Call.”

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