Sunday, July 30, 2017

Do not confuse my July tweets of the month with actual policy

Careful readers know my 8Days2Amish tweets of the month are fraudulent; they exceed the 140-character criteria. You are correct. For me, 140 characters is often too stingy, too confining. I rebel. So when I transfer the tweet to my blog, I permit myself some embroideries. You’ll see several examples of that here. 

Have a great day!

• I wonder what Socrates used to say when people asked him if he was ever going to get a real job.

• What’s it say about guys that we dread getting nailed in nuts but could spend hours watching videos of other guys getting nailed in nuts.

• The cynic in me fears N.Korea nuke news has Steve Bannon game planning '20 electoral map w/out big liberal enclave like San Francisco in picture.

• Passing of Mom has many telling me they're sorry she died. Me, I'm happy she lived -- truly lived.

• Many fret over keeping up with the Joneses. Me, I've been lapped so many times by so many Joneses, I just stay the hell out of their way, hand them cups of water and hope they'll mention me from the podium as they give their acceptance speeches.

• If you apply logic of the NRA to nuclear proliferation, won't the world be safer once N. Korea & every nation has nukes?

• I don't know if it says more about him or me, but Trump is the 1st prez in 100 years I can't imagine wearing cowboy boots.

• Considered leaving my piece of crap jalopy unlocked because only thing of value in it is stack of free beer chips from various Latrobe clubs and taverns. Decided against it when I realized how sad I'll be if they're taken. #LockHerUp!

• Unlike here on Earth, I hope in heaven -- fingers crossed -- I become blessed with the ability to fix things. But I worry in heaven nothing'll ever break and my feelings of uselessness will persist.

• When I was young, I imagined my life's line would be a straight consistent rise to great literary success. I never dreamed my line would be so squiggly with so many zigs, zags, advances and retreats or that for years at a time my line would come to complete halt whenever it came upon a friendly tavern.

• Hearing reports of increased solar flare activity always makes me want to grab a marshmallow & a really long stick & make solar s’mores.

• It’s unnerving how so many readers of crime novels think they can get away with murder because they read so many crime novels, but what really rattles is how many crime novels my wife reads.

• I, too, am outraged by video of shark being dragged, but reserve the right to change my opinion if they find a boy’s arm in shark’s autopsied stomach.

• Trump says agenda being twarted by "deep state." I know them by another name. Patriots.

• I encourage women considering breast enhancement to get just one side so it'll appeal to shallow men fond of before/after comparison.

• As way of both meeting potentially friendly ETs & gettin while getting's good, I propose Earth erect a really big For Sale sign.

• I’m going to submit to publishers a book proposal called "Profiles in Courage" about today's leaders just to see if anyone gets the joke.

• I tell people writing a book is like making a bourbon. It could be 7 years before you find out if it's any good. Maybe my next book should be about how to make bourbon.

• Recognizing the blatant fraud has made enjoying this breakfast staple impossible: hash browns aren't brown!

• I remain surprised some creative hand sanitizer company hasn't used image of Pontius Pilot as a celebrity spokesperson.

• News that Antartica is experiencing rapid melting convinces me humanity could be spared doom if someone builds a really big ice machine.

• Guaranteed some enterprising DUI lawyer right now working on defense claiming self-driving car was drunk & occupant was mere drinking buddy.

• PETA must on some level feel conflicted knowing their hard line positions are red meat to staunch vegetarians.

• Scars are life's passports to show where we've been and how we've lived.

• Boasting to friends about how little TV I watch use to make me feel intellectually superior. Now all I feel is presidential.

• Yes, I get angry about racial injustice, inequality and rampant poverty, but nothing makes me angrier than having to eat crappy pizza.

• I don't give a crap about the half-full/half-empty philosophical puzzler as long as the glass contains some bourbon & it'll be replenished. And if you’re so concerned about your glass being half-empty, I suggest you need a bigger glass.

• Our lives are like Mad Libs where key words aren't filled in until the composition of our obituaries.

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