The gayest sports figure in Pittsburgh history

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When I heard a famous Pittsburgh sports figure was announcing he was gay I thought, man, I hope it’s Joe Greene.

He’s maybe the most iconic Steeler ever. I like it when anyone reveals something surprising about themselves that causes us to take a fresh look at them and, by extension, ourselves and how we perceive others.

Mean Joe Greene being Gay Joe Greene would demolish so many stereotypes and I’d love that.

It’s been about a week since former Pirate owner Kevin McClatchy revealed to the New York Times he is gay, an announcement that makes him, I think, the first gay person ever associated with professional baseball.

Pro sports are maybe our greatest statistical anomaly. If, as some studies indicate, about 10 percent of the population is homosexual it’s incredible that no one gay has ever swung a bat or dashed onto a football field.

It’s logical to assume at least a few of our most manly of men are gay, but are shy about sharing the news with teammates and fans.

That might be because they perceive other athletes and many meat-headed fans are what is commonly referred to as homophobic, a term that always reminds me of actor Morgan Freeman who said, “I hate the word homophobia. It's not a phobia. You are not scared. You are an asshole.”

This is evident to anyone who’s ever attended a professional football game, as I’ve done maybe about 250 times over the past 40 years.

It can be vicious.

If you listened to disgruntled fans, you’d think everyone not performing well is either gay or really, really gay.

A soft defensive back who gets run over is queer. A quarterback who throws too many interceptions is a faggot. The refs? Whistles aren’t the only things they blow.

That means the gayest guy to ever play football in Pittsburgh is, by far, Kordell Stewart.

To me, his tenure from 1995-2002 represents the most disgraceful era in Steeler history.

Drafted second out of Colorado State, he electrified the NFL by playing a hybrid quarterback/jiffy back/wide receiver role that earned him the nickname Slash. One of the most gifted athletes to ever play the game, he could do it all. 

Then the Steelers made an historic personnel mistake. They made the quarterback the quarterback.

And Kordell Stewart is black, the first black to play in Pittsburgh’s most high profile position in more than 20 years.

The 2001 AFC offensive player of the year, he twice led the team to the AFC Championship Game, but was blamed for both losses.

I contend coach Bill Cowher ruined Stewart by taking one of the game’s most innovative and intuitive players and trying to make him conform to Cowher’s stupid system, which was better suited to slow white losers like Kent Graham, Jim Miller and Mike Tomczak.

Of course, that’s speculation. What is fact is that Stewart became the victim of the most vile rumor mongering I’ve ever witnessed.

Everyone knew someone who knew someone who knew a cop in Schenley Park who busted Stewart giving oral sex to some dude. It was reported he was caught wearing a dress propositioning an undercover cop right here in Latrobe.

In Latrobe! I live in Latrobe and if there’s 6-foot-1, 215-pound black man sashaying around in a frilly dress I’m going to know about it.

It got so bad Stewart felt compelled to address his teammates and tell them, it’s okay, I’m straight. You can trust me.

I guess it’s important to narcissistic athletes who think they’re so gorgeous a gay teammate will put them moves on them when they’re soaping up in the shower with dozens of men big and hairy enough to attract gay bears.

I remain appalled.

Today, Stewart is an occasional ESPN analyst -- is there a former athlete who isn’t? -- and is a married father living in Atlanta.

I guess he must be on some kind of gay sabbatical.

I wish him nothing but the very best.

Same for McClatchy.

He’s approaching 50 and said he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life living a lie. He should be congratulated for putting even this tiny crack in a dam that one day is bound to burst.

I hope the next Tebow to electrify the sports world is flamboyantly gay, a twinkle-toed prancer capable of throwing rainbow touchdowns for gridiron glory.

I hope he’s Muslim, too.

For me, the best thing about McClatchy revealing he’s gay is that he’s in a committed relationship with a fella he met through Rick Santorum, a man I believe to be utterly homophobic in the Morgan Freeman sense of the word.

And I’m glad I’m living in a time when describing someone as being homophobic is becoming worse than describing someone as being gay.

Related . . .

• Santorum’s right: Man marrying dogs in Wisconsin!

• Don’t hate me ‘cause I’m beautiful

Steelers lose; Tebow amazes

The Scriptural implications of the Steeler loss are too immense for me to tackle here, especially in the wake of an afternoon full of poor tackling.

So instead of a typical post, I’m going to open the floor up for questions.

And wouldn’t it be fun if anytime anyone said they were going to open the floor for questions, the floor actually opened up and all the questioners fell screaming to Hell?

Anyhow, the floor is now open for questions: watch your step.

Q: How depressed are you over the Tim Tebow-led Bronco upset of your hometown Steelers?

A: Hardly at all. It was an outstanding football game. The Steelers have won six Super Bowls in my lifetime and will surely win again. As a fan, my cup runneth over -- and so do the three Stanley Cups and I’ve seen the Penguins win. I refer you to last year’s take when the Steelers lost to Green Bay in the Super Bowl if you’re interested in my thoughts on disappointment.

Q: Your thoughts on Tebow throwing for 316 yards, a numeric reminder of his favorite Bible passage, John 3:16?

A: Love it. It’s a nifty reminder of the Bible’s most beautiful promise: “For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” Let me be the first to point out that the final score could refer to Proverbs 29:23, “A man’s pride will bring him low, but he who is lowly in spirit will obtain honor.” I interpret that to mean monster Iowa offensive tackle Reilly Reiff will still be available when the Steelers draft 24th.

Q: Do you have any opinion on the complicated new NFL overtime format?

A: It’s my understanding that it’s no longer sudden death and that both teams get a shot at scoring unless they don’t. The format took four times longer to explain than the actual overtime took to play. It proves once again the NFL is ruled by people who love rules.

Q: Are there any historical precedents for Tebow’s feat?

A: Yes, two. The first is Franco Harris’s 1972 Immaculate Reception; and the 1984 “Hail Flutie” pass that allowed Doug Flutie and Boston College to beat the University of Miami. The Tebow play has the same sort of indelible wow feel. It’s the heart of what makes watching sports so special.

Q: What about the Tebow naysayers? None has been more critical than one of your favorite old Steelers, Merrill Hodge. What would you say to him?

A: His mea culpa should be public and along the lines of an obscure old Don Schlitz country song called, “Six Words.” It’s about what a married man should say when he’s been caught redhanded making a terrible mistake: “I’m an asshole. It’s my fault. I’m a worthless slug in deed and thought. I’m so grateful deep down I got caught . . . ‘cause I’m an asshole and it’s my fault.”

Q: A little harsh on Hodge, aren’t you?

A: No, harsh will be what he experiences when he walks through every restaurant or airport for at least the next four months. His criticisms of Tebow seemed bitter, petty and somehow personal. What good would sports be if we didn’t allow for the possibility that sometimes magical things can happen?

Q: Are you saying what happened with Tebow was magic or miraculous?

A: What I’m saying is the Lord moves in mysterious ways. And so does Tebow whenever he’s flushed from the pocket.

Q: Still don’t think he’s a skilled quarterback?

A: There are times he looks with a football like I look when confronted with a question involving math: he’s confused, he looks like he needs help, he acts as if he’d like to toss the thing in the air and run the other way. But that just makes it that much more entertaining when he completes an actual pass, sort of like when I can calculate a tip without electronic assistance.

Q: Did Tebow beating the Steelers inspire you to hum any spiritual hymns?

A: No, but I can’t get “Pinball Wizard,” the Elton John version, out of my head. I think we can all agree when it comes to football, that deaf, dumb and blind kid sure plays a mean pinball.

Q: Still think there’s a chance that Tebow might be Jesus, as you wrote two weeks ago?

A: I’m not saying one way or the other, but I hope my graciousness in defeat will be something he’ll remember on Judgement Day.

Q: Well, that’s a surprisingly Scriptural take from you on a football game. Anything else?

A: Yeah, remember that John 11:35 verse, “Jesus Wept?” It has me wondering if He bet the Steelers.

Q: So I’m to take it you’re rooting for Tebow and the Broncos to beat the Patriots?

A: Certainly, and for ironic balance I’m hoping in victory he throws for precisely 666 yards.

Solution to NFL over-officiating: armless linemen!

It was another weekend of the ruling elite infuriating the 99 percent of Americans who feel helpless about doing anything in the face of tyrannical oppression.

I’m talking about the officiating in the NFL.

We can disagree about income disparity, presidential politics and whether God’s playing favorites with the Denver Broncos because Tim Tebow’s such a Savior suck up (my take, “Jesus, Tebow’s a winner”).

But I think we can all agree NFL over-officiating is ruining the game. Calls are excessive and confusing and now every scoring play is under review. That makes sense until you realize the next logical step is reviewing goal line plays that don’t involve scoring but, upon further review, might have.

Some fans say this is good because getting it right is essential.

Well, no, it isn’t. If it was, we’d have cameras isolating every single player to ensure they weren’t committing an infraction.

What’s essential is getting it as close to right as possible without making the games last even longer than they already do.

You may not have noticed amidst all the beer and truck commercials, but the typical 3:15 minute football broadcast has just 11 minutes of action.

That’s right. This January 2010 Wall Street Journal report found the ball is in play for just 11 minutes. That means for every 60-minute game we’re getting 49 minutes of foreplay.

That’s a lot of teasing anticipation for a game that considers itself manly.

Speaking of foreplay, let me get to the point and -- fear not -- this won’t take long. I’m one to talk when it comes to delivering a full 11 minutes of satisfying action.

I have several radical solutions to over-officiating.

First, get rid of instant replay and all but two officials -- one for the offense, one for the defense -- and ask the players to agree to play under the honor system.

That means if a player commits a foul, he needs to raise his hand and confess his sins. Then he needs to apologize to the player he’s victimized while one of the two referees steps off the penalty yardage.

Introducing a player honor system would flip the culture of showboating and finger pointing on its head and provide exemplary role models for an America starving for them.

My friend Ron at the bar has a good suggestion. He usually does. In fact, he’s the inspiration for many of these posts. If Ron ever decides to give full sobriety a shot I might have to spend half my time blogging about something like gardening.

He suggests changing the rules so the only time a penalty is called is when a player uses both hands. This would eliminate many questionable calls.

But this has about as much chance of succeeding as does players conforming to the honor system -- although it would be hilarious to see the reaction to insufferable goody-goody Roger Goodell announcing the change.

Using just one hand goes against a lineman’s nature. We need something to ensure a player can’t use either hand in blocking.

We need armless linemen.

Every 11 man squad should have five lineman who for the good of the game have either lost or had team-approve doctors sever the limbs above the elbow.

I haven’t looked into, but I imagine there is a deep pool of armless and otherwise able-bodied men who have fought and sacrificed in our recent wars.

The flag wavers at the NFL should jump on this. This would be giving our disabled vets a place to excel where we can honor their service and allow them to be shining examples that nothing can stop men so motivated.

And think of what it would do to our fighting forces. Imagine the heroic risks they’d take on the battlefield if just the right injury might lead to a spot on an NFL roster.

I offer this idea knowing full well it is controversial and will be picked apart by critics who fail to realize NFL over-officiating is killing the game.

I’m going to spend the rest of the day trying to resolve some of the more obvious questions.

And I promise to get right back to you as soon as I figure out how an armless center can snap a football.

Jesus, Tebow's a winner

I was confused the first time I saw the Denver Bronco jerseys with the name Jesus above the no. 15.

I try and follow the NFL draft news, but was unaware Jesus Christ from, I guess, Nazareth State was eligible. I felt a flush of chagrin the Pittsburgh Steelers drafted an Ohio State defensive end over the King of Kings.

Jesus, I’m sure, has range, plays hurt and brings a host of intangibles like the ability to turn Gatorade into wine, which I think sideline sophisticates would appreciate.

Then I realized my mistake. The Broncos didn’t draft Jesus.

The jerseys were referring to Tim Tebow, a devout Christian and the most controversial player in a league rostered with wife beaters, drunk drivers, dog fighters and manslaughter convicts.

And what does a straight arrow milk-sipper like Tebow do that’s so controversial?

He wins.

He’s won three of his last four games, a better winning percentage than league stars Tom Brady and Michael Vick.

I hope he wins the Broncos straight into the playoffs.

I know what you’re thinking, “Holy reversals! Aren’t you the guy who just last year wrote you were hoping to see Satanic end zone celebrations to honor the Prince of Darkness?”

That’s true. I find overt Christian intrusions in sports annoying. I think devout running backs should thank offensive lineman because they, not Jesus, open holes in the Red Zone.

But I see a key difference with Tebow in contrast to other Christ-honoring NFL stars.

Tebow stinks.

He is the worst quarterback in the game. Maybe one of the worst ever.

He fails at one of the key quarterback requirements teams need to win games.

He’s can’t toss a football.

In order to make a catch, receivers usually need the oddly-shaped ball to approach them in a tight spiral. Tebow’s passes spin wildly out of control like aerobatic planes moments before air show tragedies.

Then there’s this. The ball needs to be thrown in the vicinity of where the receiver is. And until they change the rules so a player can catch a ball on a bounce, it can’t be 10 feet short of the intended target.

Tebow’s coaches are beginning to understand these weaknesses and game plan so their quarterback will have to do as little quarterbacking as possible.

For instance, in Monday’s game Green Bay Packer quarterback Aaron Rogers, right now the game’s best, completed 25 of 32 passes in a 45-7 stomping of the Minnesota Vikings. Thirty attempts per game is about average.

On Sunday, the Broncos let Tebow throw just eight times in the entire game. He completed two. Two! That’s lousy.

And what drives the NFL analysts nuts is, good gracious, he won again. The Broncos beat the Kansas City Chiefs 17-10.

Tebow winning infuriates the sports military-industrial complex of commentators at ESPN who are on a mission to exalt the NFL as the realm of god-like immortals.

They don’t know what to make of a man who doesn’t pretend to be anything other than a mortal who likes God.

The fundamentalist Christian in America has few foes more fierce than I. I hate their politics, their bigotries and the divisive pain they inflict on families. These are Tebow’s biggest fans.

I don’t presume his critics hate him because of his Christian beliefs. They hate him because he’s guilty of the blasphemy of proving them wrong in their religion.

He defies their sacred charts that say a QB has to be upright in the pocket, look off multiple receivers and deliver the throws with righteous Old Testament authority.

And with every victory, they become more exasperated.

Tebow seems positively unfazed by their often cruel criticisms.

He’s one of those rare guys who seems strengthened by crucifixion.

I root for guys like that, even when some of their biggest fans act like obnoxious jerks.