Showing posts with label Steve Earle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Steve Earle. Show all posts

Monday, July 7, 2014

The attempted suicide on Solomon Temple Road


It’s right there on page 95 of my book. It’s just one of 501 items I jotted down to add color or soul to your daily life. It’s kind of innocuous, not one I ever talk about much.

But I’m proud enough of it to point it out to our daughters whenever the situation arises and arise it did the previous Sunday with unholy vengeance.

No. 305: “Say a small, fast prayer anytime you hear a siren running on a speeding police car, fire truck or ambulance. Chances are somebody’s in trouble and somebody brave is going to help. And that’s what prayer is all about.”

We live on Solomon Temple Road, a rural township stretch of pavement that has neither Solomon nor temples. It does have lots of snakes, one reason why I’m pestering township officials of the need to change the name from Solomon Temple to Copperhead Road.

Plus, I’d prefer to have an address that recalls a really cool Steve Earle song than one known for profound Biblical wisdoms.

The previous Sunday the sirens outnumbered the snakes.

Val counted 20 firetrucks, four state police vehicles and a trio of ambulances that went roaring by in 15 minutes.

All hell was breaking out on the upper part of Solomon Temple, a nearly four mile road that can be divided into two sections: we live on the sparsely settled climb up the hill with about five other homes; there are about 20 on the upper flats.

I told the girls to say their prayers because someone was in trouble and a whole slew of brave men and women were on their way to help.

They didn’t get down on their knees or start speaking in tongues — thank God for that — but I like to think the girls, 13 and 8, said some simple little prayers during the commercials that run every eight minutes between Disney Channel airings of “Sam ’n’ Cat.”

Here, according to news and police reports the next morning, is what happened. 
A 26-year-old homeowner I’ve never heard of got into a Sunday evening fight with his girlfriend. There was a profane shouting match on the lawn that drew all the neighbors to their windows. 

The girl left with a friend.

The distraught man siphoned all the gasoline out of two vehicles in an unattached garage and set them on fire. He then took more gasoline into the house, poured it everywhere and set it on fire.

As the flames rose all around him and his faithful dog barking nearby, he fashioned a noose out of some cords and secured it over a rafter.

This was probably about the time neighbors alerted 911.

I’m guessing this was right about when my daughters said their prayers.

At this exact moment, an unidentified 70-year-old man was passing by and saw the flames. At considerable risk to his own life, the senior citizen ran into the burning home and pulled the young man down and dragged the him to safety. The dog, too, escaped unharmed.

It was an incredible human drama that still has all the neighborhood talking.

Me, I’m more interested in the otherworldly aspects, like did my daughters’ prayers save the man’s life?

It’s important to me because as soon as the police got there they arrested the poor bastard for arson and reckless endangerment. He could face up to 10 years in prison.

It’s very ironic, isn’t it? A man determined to die is miraculously saved and now faces the likely prospect of a life that sucks even worse than the one he’d been bound to end.

I now wonder about the wisdom of reflexively saying prayers when some people are so desperate to die. Maybe we should have said a prayer that any senior citizens with heroic bents would just mind their own damn business.

Of course, I hope one day to report that the man was freed from prison, that he and his girlfriend reconciled, had a baby and that baby grew up to invent maybe a cure for male pattern baldness or something equally beneficial to mankind’s endless struggle.

Or maybe there’s something I’m overlooking.

I’m going to have to ask the girls if they were just saying their prayers for the pets.


Related . . .





Thursday, May 31, 2012

Shocking news: Snake handler dies from snake bite!


Renowned Pentecostal snake handler Mack Wolford died during service Sunday. Immediately turn in your forensic pathologist badge if you think he tripped on some carpet and bumped his head on the pulpit.
Nope, he was -- get ready for it -- bitten by a rattle snake!
Adherents like the late Wolford, 44, believe the Bible issues a spiritual double-dog dare in Mark 16:17-18 where it says:
“And these signs will follow those who believe: in My name they will cast out demons; they will speak with new tongues; they will take up serpents; and if they drink anything deadly, it will by no means hurt them; they will lay their hands on the sick, and they will recover.”
So who’s to blame here? The timber rattler -- Crotalus horridus, if you’re fluent in Looney Tunes -- with a venomous bite that can kill in 10 hours if not treated by highly trained ER specialists or regular folks who, I guess, pray really, really hard.
Or should we blame the Bible for issuing such a flagrant challenge? How many hillbillies would be alive today if they hadn’t thought to pick up a snake the way sane grandparents pick up the young ‘uns?
I guess you could blame Wolford’s father. He was another West Virginia snake handling pastor who by the wildest of coincidences died in 1983 after he was bitten by another church snake.
What are the odds?
You have to think any surviving Wolford children are chagrined that the old man didn’t think to take to plumbing or some other trade for the family business.
Me, I hate snakes.
I find something endearing about all the whacky religions -- and every religion has some whackiness to those of us cursed with rational thought.
But I have trouble gearing up for church when I know there’s going to be a healing service because it’ll add about 10 minutes of tedium to the service.
There’s no way in hell I’m going to a church where the likely need for a healing service is scheduled for right after “the passing of the snakes,” in the church bulletin.
And I don’t think you’ll catch my kids’ school bus driver there, either.
The very day before I read about the snake-handler dying from following the mandates of his calling, our bussy drove up gesturing in a euphoric state.
As school wasn’t out for another four days. I thought maybe she was suffering from some occupational derangement. And that I would have understood.
Exposure to just two children each day has left me deranged. Multiple that by 20 and just imagine what it does to someone like her?
But I was wrong.
“I just ran over a snake on the way up the hill!” she said. “A big one! It’s down there on the side of the road! Killed it!”
After all these years of banal 12-second exchanges about weather and weekends, she was revealing a bloodthirsty side I’d never imagined. She enthused about killing the snake the same way parents do when the kid conquers potty training.
And there it was, just as she said, squashed flat but, really, without the telltale blood splatter, how could anyone tell? Snakes just go through life sort of squashed flat.
What surprised me was this snake had a nearly-identical 4-foot mate. And it was alive.
It lay there a few feet away. I’ve since tried to match the pattern and I think they were copperheads. At least that’s what I hope.
That way I could get the township to change the name to Copperhead Road, which would be much cooler because Steve Earle’s never written even a lame song called “Solomon Temple Road.”
I may be projecting here, but the remaining snake seemed sort of sad.
Before that day, I never would have imagined snakes had emotions. But this one lost its mate or perhaps its drinking buddy. I couldn’t tell if either was a boy snake or a girl snake. While some snakes may resemble penises, it’s impossible for the layman to divine if they have them.
I felt a sudden urge to warn the survivor. Trouble in a big yellow bus was about to come bounding down the hill.
I not only feared for the snake, I feared for my own children. I surmised from the tone of her voice that snakes were the McCoy to her Hatfield (and we’re loving that show).
She’d not abide another snake in the road. I worried she’d see it at the last second and swerve the vehicle so violently it might tip and slide down the road the way the train does in that iconic scene from Harrison Ford’s “The Fugitive.”


Instead, I just drove on and let nature take its course. 
We live in the woods and snakes are unavoidable. I read one website that said the easiest way to discern the difference between poisonous and harmless snakes is the eyes.
A poisonous snake will has the kind you see on biker tattoos, deadly little diamonds with an evil menace all their own.
Harmless snakes have what are described as human eyes, which is reassuring because we all know humans are incapable of evil behavior.
But I don’t intend to get into any staring contests with any of the malicious-looking reptiles. And I’ll not pray that it tests my faith in Jesus by sinking its fangs into exposed ankle.
After what I saw on Tuesday, I think I’ll just summon the kids’ bus driver next time I encounter a serpent. 
When it comes to snakes, I think she’ll know how to handle it.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

A rooting fan's guide to baseball playoffs

This, my favorite sports season of the year, is being sullied by love. The four remaining baseball teams representing four cities are each appealing in their own ways.


I have no one to hate.


Despite signs of promise, the The Pittsburgh Pirates for the 19th year in a row have failed to make the playoffs (nostalgia note: it was 51 years ago today that Bucco Bill Mazeroski hit the most famous home run in baseball history to beat the N.Y. Yankees in the World Series!).


So without a home team to root for, I need an artificial reason to cheer for a city that is deserving of riotous celebrations and property damage.


It would be simpler for me if the Boston Red Sox and the Chicago Cubs were contending because I could reflexively root for their opponents.


I hate the Red Sox because their fans raced from lovable losers to obnoxious winners in near record time. And I hate the Chicago Cubs for reasons detailed in this 2008 post I deftly titled “I hate the Chicago Cubs.”


The baseball playoffs are down to the St. Louis Cardinals vs. the Milwaukee Brewers, and the Detroit Tigers vs. the Texas Rangers. Let’s break ‘em down:


One of my favorite literary characters, Capt. Augustus McCrae was a Texas Ranger in "Lonesome Dove," so they have that going for them. Plus, most of my favorite music has Texas roots. Joe Ely, Steve Earle, Delbert McClinton, Robert Earl Keen, Ray Wylie Hubbard are all Texas true. But despite his preppy upbringings that always makes me suspect he’s a closet Red Sox fan, so is George W. Bush. If Texas wins, it’ll make Bush happy, so they’re out.


They’re playing the Detroit Tigers. What American doesn’t root for Detroit? Detroit welcomed my fellow Steeler fans with open arms when it hosted our 2006 Super Bowl victory. The retro ballpark, which I’ve been to, is a dandy. If they beat the Rangers, it’s likely they’ll have Bob Seger sing the national anthem and I love Seger. Plus, them winning keeps alive my opportunity to tell the story about how Detroit used represent the USA in the world’s only international tug of war. In what should inspire an Olympic competition, they used to string a stout mile-long rope across the Detroit River between the city and neighboring Windsor. If Detroit wins I promise to share my promotional efforts to organize a trans-Atlantic tug-of-war between America and Europe. Go Detroit!


St. Louis is one of the few great American cities I’ve never been to. But my very good friend, Angelo Cammerata has. He’s the world’s longest serving bartender and the folks at Anheuser-Busch rolled out the red carpet for him 2007. They gave him box seats at a Cardinal game and introduced him to the roaring crowd on the Jumbotron. I like it when a city showers the people I care about with cheer and warmth.


But I like it even better when they do that with me. And that’s what happened in Milwaukee. In the fall of 2008, the whole state of Wisconsin treated me like I was Big Cheese -- and that’s something that really matters there. I was there on a travel story (recap here). Over six nights I played golf at all the state’s finest courses (Whistling Straits and Erin Hills) and was wined and dined at all their top restaurants. On my own, I found an outstanding Milwaukee bar that treated me so well I actually considered relocating my family just to be within stumbling distance. It’s Sobelmans. They didn’t even know I was a travel writer and thus felt no unnatural obligation to shower me with warmth and freebies. They were just naturally nice. If I’m ever within 250 miles of Sobelmans I’m automatically going back. Milwaukee also has one of my favorite offbeat tourist attractions, the Bronz Fonz. So I want Milwaukee to beat the Cardinals.


That pits Milwaukee vs. Detroit in my World Series.


This upsets my friends who hate the Brewers for beating up on the Pirates, but I have to root for Milwaukee to win it all. I just met so many friendly people in Wisconsin and had so much free, fine fun. Everyone was just so nice.


So take note, Boston: I can be bought. Prepare the finest hotels, alert the golf courses and start the lobster pots a boilin’.


Chicago, don’t even bother. I think we all need to hang onto at least a little hate.


I wouldn’t want people to start confusing me with Wisconsin.