America needs a yap app

For the good of humanity, it’s time someone conceived a yap app to monitor the exact number of words each of us speaks in conversation.

Like a helpful exercise pedometer, it would count word-by-word just how much each of us feels compelled to say.

If, for instance, we were in a lunch conversation with three other people, it would vibrate whenever our chat started to race ahead of our table mates.

The alarms would then increase in severity whenever our word count began to outrun the others by more than 500 words per person. Each yap app would include tinker-proof factory settings that would result in self-incineration anytime the device detected the sound of our voices was making everyone else in vicinity sick.

Studies about how many words each of us speak are all over the map. Most say the average talker speaks about 16,000 words a day and that women out-speak men.

The numbers seem flawed. I know some men who can speak 16,000 words when ordering a two-item pizza. Worse, they do it like they want the pizza joint to hear them through the window in a thunderstorm from two miles away.

Certainly, many women can talk the ears off acres of corn. They go into excruciating detail about pointless minutia -- and it’s even worse when it’s just women talking to other women.

That’s why I advocate in any group of three or more women gathering in public, at least one man should be stationed among the group, sort of like a prison guard assigned to prevent a road gang from malicious conniving.

About 75 percent of what the average woman wants to spout to other women is justifiably hateful things about the average man. But women have a natural and charming shyness about saying it front the offending gender.

That applies universally to females, unless you get them all gassed up. Then all bets are off.

Men have no such dainty restrictions regarding what he thinks is fit to say out loud. Nothing short of ballistic intervention can silence a man determined to talk.

I think most of us talk too much, myself included, because we’re desperate to be liked. We think the more we talk the better our chances are of being likable.

In fact, the exact opposite is true.

I’ve always been drawn to quiet people. Many of my best friends have always been  quiet in comparison to your average guy. 

And by “quiet,” I’m including numerous chums who’ll spend consecutive hours passed out cold with their heads glued to the bar surface. In fact, I prefer the company of the comatose to that of most men who are able to decide -- enough’s enough -- to get up and walk away.

Why do you think I started blogging?

Certainly, deploying the yap app in their company would lead to my ultimate demise.

That’s why it’s so vital.

The world is absolutely awash in unnecessary words and most of us are unaware of our contributions.

Just think how much more serene it would be if everyone made a conscience decision to simply reduce the number of words we use.

We’d have more time to think, to enjoy the sounds of nature and proper music. What little we’d have to say would make so much more sense because we’d have thought it through instead of simply unleashing it on ears that are forever struggling to sift knowledge from nonsense.

Imagine the quiet dividend we’d enjoy if all the men and women paid to talk politics were at the mercy of a yap app? Many of the largest offenders would be reduced to silent and sizable piles of ash.

It’d be sublime.

I think I’ll stop now before anyone thinks to apply the wise precepts of the yap app to blogging verbosity.

I wouldn’t want my family to walk in and discover I’ve made an ash of myself simply by saying too much.

I say nice things about Republicans

It’s a measure of President Obama’s humility that he won’t reveal the healing role he played during his visit to Gabby Giffords.

And being a partisan Democrat, I can’t help but wonder what miracles would stem from a Bill Clinton visit.

If Obama can restore vision to traumatic head shot victims (well, sort of), then certainly the sight of Clinton sauntering into intensive care would cause the ladies to spring out of their hospital beds to start applying party make-up.

Say what you want about his politics, but the man’s got charisma.

It’s been five days since the tree of liberty was refreshed by the blood of patriots. Anyone feeling better about it yet?

I have to think that’s one gem Thomas Jefferson wishes he could take back. I can’t imagine he meant the bloodletting to apply to someone like Giffords.

Could she be a more becoming patriot? No fair-minded observer would describe her as tyrannical (the full Jefferson quote applying to blood from both patriots and tyrants).

She is beloved for being collegial, intelligent and even-handed about difficult issues. Sure, she may have favored prudent health care reform, but she was married to an astronaut. That’s so cool.

Is she the kind of patriot to whom Jefferson was referring?

Was 9-year-old Christina Green?

If I may be so bold, I’d like to edit Jefferson to something more in tune with common sensibilities.

It should read: “The tree of liberty is magnificent to behold in all seasons, but it looks best when patriots of all political persuasions come together to nurture it and hang red, white & blue bird feeders from its majestic boughs.”

There! Now, isn’t that better?

Being a liberal I’m, of course, politically correct. Words matter. 

They matter when you’re talking about patriotic bloodlettings, Second Amendment solutions, and emphasizing the need to re-load rather than retreat.

And I hope the ones that matter most are the eloquent ones President Obama spoke in Tucson.

Our 10-year-old daughter had heard vague details about the shootings over the PA system at school. That pleased me. In football terms, the principal there called an audible. He decided on the fly the event was relevant enough to turn into a mini-civics lesson.

Bravo.

I didn’t want her to see the footage of the mayhem, or the demonic pictures of the madman. I didn’t see that doing her any good.

But I wanted her to see how we grieved.

“America suffered a tragedy on Saturday,” I said. “I want you to watch how America heals.”

It couldn’t have been more moving.

From the native American invocation and the steely poise of intern Daniel Hernandez to Obama’s stirring speech, it’s something I’ll never forget.

Of course, it means nothing if we don’t act on his admonition to care more for one another, to civilize our rhetoric and elevate the political discourse.

Let it begin with me.

I’m going to say a bunch of nice things about prominent Republicans I used to blast for knee-jerk reasons.

Because I’m so new at this, please forgive me if some of it sounds sarcastic.

Here goes:

• George W. Bush! -- He was the right man for the right time on 9/11. I felt exactly the way I do now about Obama’s speech in Tucson as I did when Bush spoke after 9/11. The people who know him best all love him. He’s raised two beautiful and vivacious daughters. He loves baseball. He presided over the presidency during extraordinarily difficult times and he didn’t let it defeat himself or the country he loves. He enjoys a good laugh and isn’t one of those childish sorts who can’t laugh at himself. He doesn’t hold petty grudges. His post-presidential years will be dignified and free of taint. He’s at peace with his actions and is deserving of the happy respite he so enjoys in the Texas he loves.

• Dan Quayle! -- In 2003, I wrote a book called “Hole in One! The Complete Book of Fact, Legend and Lore of Golf’s Luckiest Shot.” The New York Times cited it in 2009 as the Bible on the topic. If The Times says my book is The Bible about holes-in-one, then I can rightly declare I’ve written a holey book. I interviewed dozens of celebrities about their golfing perfection. Quayle was one of the nicest. We talked for about 45 minutes and he couldn’t have been friendlier. He was such a good sport he didn’t even mind when I asked him about his wife Marilyn’s saucy response when someone asked her about reports he’d had an affair while on a golf trip (“Anyone who knows Dan knows he’s much more interested in golfing than sex.”) He just laughed and said she was mad when she said it. He’d had two aces though 2003 and I hope he gets a bunch more.

• Tom DeLay! -- The man’s got balls. Even while under indictment for the crime of which he was just convicted and sentenced to three years, he still went on “Dancing With The Stars” and whooped it up. And before he went into politics, I hear he was a fine exterminator.

• Newt Gingrich! -- He has a true and abiding love for animals, zoos and history. He’s a thrice-married man who still has the buoyant audacity to court family values voters. Did you know he’s a Pennsylvania native? Go Keystone State!

• Rush Limbaugh! -- He loves golf and smoke cigars. He’s indifferent to what people think about him. He had Elton John sing at his recent fourth wedding. When National Enquirer busted him for drug addiction in 2003, he didn’t weasel out and call them a bunch of liars. He said, yup, you got me, thus another monumental victory for tabloid journalism.

• Dick Cheney! -- Now, this is getting tough. Okay. When he shot that guy -- anniversary alert! -- five years ago February 11, he didn’t let his instincts get the better of him and just go finish the poor bastard off.

• Sarah Palin! -- Uh, Sarah Palin! . . . Sarah Palin? . . . Hmmm . . . Okay . . . Sarah Palin is wonderfully childlike in her approach to complicated problems!

That’s enough for now.

President Obama said we needed to start being nicer to one another.

He didn’t say it was always going to be easy.

A gay news extravaganza

Recent news events reminded me of my favorite stories I’d seen in National Enquirer, one I wish I’d done, back in the 1990s when those swashbuckling duties consumed my days.

The editors had a strapping fellow reporter get all dolled up in a daisy-covered summer dress, wig, hooker make-up and march into a local U.S. Marine recruiting office to join the corps.

I remember reading how the crimson recruiter sputtered that homosexuals were forbidden from serving and how the straight-faced reporter responded in a commanding baritone. “I’m not homosexual. I just like to dress up like a lady.”

Good enough. They shook hands, presented an application and the next week the Enquirer ran the story under the banner headline: “The Marines are Looking for a Few Good Men . . . But They’ll Take Drag Queens!”

The “Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell” repeal brought to mind that delicious mockery.

It’s been a difficult few weeks for people who don’t like to read news about homosexuals, wish homosexuals didn’t exist and think, gee, if these fellows could all just meet the right gals then homosexuality would just go away.

First there was the repeal of DA/DT. Repeal opponents said it would destroy unit cohesion, doom morale and weaken our military, essentially the same things they said in opposing admitting blacks, women, Irish, etc.

All those arguments have been vanquished over the years. There are people of all nationalities and races who are good at killing and I want the best of them out there killing for me.

Then came news that you’ll now be able to add the title of daddy to Sir Elton John, the flamboyant singer my wife once dubbed the most beloved homosexual on the planet.

She may be correct. Everybody loves Elton. Even family value purist Rush Limbaugh had him sing at his fourth wedding and seemed pleased enough by the performance that he’ll certainly invite him to perform at his fifth and sixth weddings over the next few years.

I’ve loved Elton since I was 10. His “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” was the first album I ever purchased. It still holds up nearly 40 years later. He’s still so engaging and buoyant and is justly regarded for his devotion to humanitarian causes.

But I dispute Val’s contention on what may be a technicality. There may be a prominent politician or theologian who is homosexual and just shy about sharing the news with the rest of us.

They may have ornamental wives, children and a conservative constituency that would be offended by their lifestyle.

Recent examples are U.S. Senator Larry Craig and the Rev. Ted Haggard, men I like to refer to as “slomosexuals.”

Then there’s the example of U.S.S. Enterprise captain Owen Honors, the Navy skipper who got himself tossed overboard for making a video lampooning what throughout history has been a sea-going tradition.

That would be sailors turning homosexual during long ocean voyages.

Many people of the “get-over-it” bent said it was all in good fun, it was no big deal and gays serving under Captain Honors should just lighten up.

Nonsense. We need leaders who ennoble the best of us, not pander to the 10 percent who’ll use a commander’s jokes as a green-light to bully the already oppressed.

There are nearly 5,000 sailors on that vessel. Guaranteed, there are at least 200 men and women as qualified as Honors, as respected and imbued with an innate understanding that the best leaders do not degrade, they exalt.

So many people still seem to think boys and girls in high school decide, just for kicks, to become homosexual. That’s unsound reasoning because cruel kicks are often what they wind up getting.

These people seem to fear homosexuals will somehow try to “turn” them the way Jehovah’s Witnesses do.

Many of them resemble Larry the Cable Guy, not exactly a homosexual pin-up boy. No one’s out to turn him.

The whole “turn” argument has always struck me as absurd.

I try and imagine what would happen if a really handsome and accomplished man we all believe to be homosexual tried to turn me.

Someone like, say, New England Patriot quarterback Tom Brady.

I wouldn’t think of leaving my wife and my heterosexual proclivities to be with him.

Instead, I’d hope Steeler linebacker James Harrison would emerge from Brady’s blindside and hit him so hard every one of the follicles of his Justin Bieber haircut flew off his stung scalp. 

Not because I hate gays or think Brady’s really gay.

I just hate Tom Brady.

And I hope one day maybe all our hatreds and petty putdowns will be confined to childish partisans of rival sports teams in meaningless realms where none who seek enlightened thought ever dare to venture.

Places like here!

Devout Christians departing May 21: Yippee!

Looks like anyone who purchased for full price a 2011 calendar paid twice too much. A group of Christians is making news for pinpointing the exact end of days.

Mark your calendars. It’s May 21.

The precision of the date was determined by Christian broadcaster Harold Camping, the 89-year-old leader of the Oakland, California, based Family Radio Network.

His calculations are based on thorough Biblical readings and external factors such as the 1948 founding of Israel.

And you had to figure the Jews would have something to do with it.

“Beyond the shadow of a doubt, May 21 will be the date of the Rapture and the day of judgement,” Camping says.

If Camping is correct then, according to Rapture believers, all the most devout Christians will be magically whisked to heaven while the rest of us face times of deadly upheaval.

Well, good riddance.

Tea Party morons will have lost their greatest constituency, the “God Hates Fags!" crowd won’t be around to torment soldiers’ funerals, and Rush Limbaugh will have so few listeners he’ll be relegated to a static-filled backwater AM channels.

Yes, Rush’s listeners may be going to heaven, but he’s not going anywhere.

I’d love to see how the rest of us could do on solving problems like the spread of AIDS and global warming without having meddling Christians around to tell us things like condoms and compact fluorescent light bulbs are the devil’s playthings.

We could enact some common sense gun laws, build temples devoted to ecumenical peace near Ground Zero and -- who knows? -- maybe even persuade Simon Cowell to return and save “American Idol.”

For me, hating Christians is an act of self-loathing because I’ve always considered myself one.

Yes, I think I’m one of the baptized good guys. I kneel down and pray to God and Jesus every night. I do unto others as I’d have them do unto me. It’s my faith and I revere essential Christian tenets of love and forgiveness. 

But guys like me don’t make the true Christian cut because we entertain the cosmic possibility that just maybe we’re wrong.

We can believe, but we cannot know.

That’s why three of my favorite musings on the subject of religion are firmly secular thoughts from a trio of monumental men.

The first is from Thomas Jefferson who said, “Question with boldness even the existence of God; because if there is one, He must more approve of the homage to reason than that of blindfolded fear.”

Then there’s this from Henry David Thoreau who on his deathbed was asked if he’d made his peace with the Lord. Thoreau’s sublime response: “We’ve never quarreled.”

The third is from my late grandfather who shortly before his death at 98 said he was hoping he’d get to meet God to ask him, “Now, I know you created heaven and earth, but who or what created you?”

A heaven with the Christians who say they can divine things like when God plans to flip the big “off” switch is a heaven I do not wish to attend.

All the people will have the same boring haircuts. They’ll say the same sanctimonious things. They’ll be Dallas Cowboy fans. They’ll still find reasons to think they’re superior to other less pale Christians.

I’ve been to parties like that and they seemed to last an eternity.

I cannot begin to fathom how long an actual eternity like that would seem.

So, go ahead, you true believers, and rise up to your exclusionary stick-up-the-ass heaven, the one that will make lilly white places like Augusta National seem diverse and hip.

I’m staying here with my friends, the ones who like to drink, smoke, swear and screw.

Sure, if Camping and his followers are correct we may be in for some historically tough times.

But we’ll give it hell.

And in many ways, that will seem like a heavenly alternative to what the most devout Christians have always had to offer.

Conservatives wrong . . . again

It’s always surprising to me that a political party that lavishly embraces creationism always resorts to Darwinism when it comes to caring for the weakest among us.

With conservative Republicans it shouldn’t, I know, and here’s why.

I don’t listen to popular talk radio because I understand it’s the greatest obstacle to clear thinking. I try and stay informed, but when something as massive as Health Care Reform comes along, I am overwhelmed and turn to the one reliable bellwether in an obfuscating world of spin.

I turn to history. And if there’s one thing being a student of history has taught me, it is this:

The most conservative people in the nation have been wrong about every major issue since the movement in America was founded by Benedict Arnold.

That’s why I was so pleased by the passage of Health Care Reform. Because the vitriolic opposition of the most shrill conservatives convinces me that in the very near future, the bill will be deemed such a stunning success that Americans will wonder how we ever did without it for so long.

It happens with wars, with great social issues and with the very founding of the country these alleged patriots contend they revere.

It all started with America’s most notorious traitor, Benedict Arnold. He was the Revolutionary War general who plotted to forfeit the fort at West Point, N.Y., over to the British. He escaped to Britain where he led the conservative Tory movement that believed America should remain under the oppressive thumb of King George.

Beginning a trend that endures through John Kerry and the late Ted Kennedy, conservatives like Arnold despised liberal Massachusetts agitators like Founding Fathers John Adams and John Hancock.

Here’s a handy clip ‘n’ save list of all the things seasoned conservatives have opposed and the ones they thought would make the world a better place:

They thought U.S. Senator Joe McCarthy would have been a fine president; many of them cheered when John F. Kennedy was slain. And I think we all can surmise how many of the most conservative Americans immersed in the Tea Party movement would feel if anything bad befell President Obama.

They're saying the same things about Obamacare as they said about Civil Rights, Social Security, Medicare, and extending the right to vote to women.

The most conservative people in America cheered when South Carolina triggered the Civil War by seceding from the Union. Echoes of those sentiments were recently shouted to thrilled conservatives by Texas Gov. Rick Perry.

They were outraged by things like the Emancipation Proclamation, Jackie Robinson playing professional baseball and Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have a Dream” speech.

They thought losing Vietnam would trigger a dominate effect of countries falling to communism and sneered when shots fell long-haired war protesters at Kent State.

They led demonstrations to burn records by people like Elvis and the Beatles.

They worked tirelessly to keep Richard Nixon in office and tirelessly to throw Bill Clinton out of it.

They’re outraged that people like Elton John and Ellen DeGeneres are involved in long-term monogamous same-sex relationships, but consider a thrice-married recovering drug addict like Rush Limbaugh a paragon of family values.

They thought the Iraq War was a really swell idea and that those of us who opposed it were sissy traitors afraid of an easy fight.

They thought Sarah Palin was qualified to be John McCain’s veep and that Barack Obama was a Muslim tourist who’d spend his days palling around with terrorists.

Of course, some of these could be fairly considered overwrought generalizations. So I’ll stop here.

Any more overwrought generalizations and somebody might accuse me of being conservative and I wouldn’t want that to happen.