See "Hell or High Water" (and stories of two great bank heists)

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I’ll make this brief: Drop whatever you’re doing and go right now to see “Hell or High Water” with Jeff Bridges, Ben Foster and Chris Pine.

And take me with you!

It’s that good. Val and I saw it Wednesday and thoroughly enjoyed it.

It had 98 percent Rotten Tomato rating and we love the actors so I thought it would be a satisfying shoot’em up.

It is that, but it’s so much more. Even minor characters are bestowed with crackling dialogue that sounds like Shakespeare if Shakespeare were a west Texas redneck.

Plus, there’s the music. The movie soundtrack includes gritty desperado songs by favorites like Lucinda Williams, Waylon Jennings, Chris Stapleton and the peerless Ray Wylie Hubbard.

Seeing a great heist movie like “Hell or High Water” had me thinking of some of the bank robber stories I’ve done and there’ve been a bunch.

Let me tell you about two of them. One involves a man, the other a man and a woman.

But, remember, I’m talking about just two people.

The first was Carl Gugasian. I wrote about him in ’05. I urge you to read the story. It is very compelling.

The FBI estimates he stole more than $2 million from as many as 70 banks from about 1970 through 2004. 

And — and this is just a wild guess — is tax-free dough.

He viewed robbing banks as a job. He’d spend his every waking hour either planning to rob a bank or being actively involved in robbing a bank. His stake-outs to discern patterns lasted days.

And he made it all seem as tedious as working the night shift at the turnpike toll booth

Retired FBI agent Bill Rehder told me: "To me the most remarkable thing about Carl Gugasian he was able to fend off every instinct of human nature and not tell a single soul that his life’s work was robbing banks. He is the King of Bank Robbers."

The zipper-lipped achievement is rendered less remarkable when it is revealed that Gugasian was a king without a kingdom. Confiding friendships and intimate lovers were occupational hazards an over-achiever wouldn’t dare risk.

No friends. No fun. Only the endless gnawing fear that one day he’d get caught.

In April 2003 he did. He’s due for release in 2021.

Wouldn’t that make a great movie?

I’ve lost track of the other robber. I don’t remember his or her name. Heck, I can’t even find the story I wrote.

But the facts are seared into my brain.

There were a rash of Philadelphia-area bank robberies committed by a slightly built middle-aged male driving an ’79 Eldorado Cadillac. At several investigations the getaway car was actually stopped by police.

But each time the driver was permitted to go free. Why?

Because police were looking for a man, and this driver was a woman.

And what a woman. Flaming red hair, long legs and voluptuous 44D breasts.

Va! Va! Voom!

The situation led to one of the best true crime quotes I’d ever heard. Because one police officer happened to pull the Caddy over just minutes after the robbery. The driver in no way matched the description of the suspect. But there was bag full of money on the seat right beside a smoking gun.

Here’s the quote:

“When we took her in and did a routine strip search for contraband, we found something in her underwear that should not have been there. It was a penis.”

Now, how did that get there?

The perp was a true hermaphrodite. She’d rob banks as a man and during the getaway would don a wig and remove an Ace bandage that had confined her ample bosom.

Voila. Sorry, ma’am. You’re free to go.

It’s a pity I can’t find the story. I recall it being an entertaining read full of salacious word play

I do remember the story’s untidy conclusion. The courts were furiously debating whether the culprit should serve time in a prison for men or one for women.

Defense attorneys said she was afraid of being victimized in a prison full of men. Can you imagine?

But prosecutors said the physical evidence outweighed their arguments, that a significant lurch occurs whenever you drop a fully functional penis on the scales of justice.

And why isn’t that a heist movie?

The only thing I can figure is it’s just too titillating for all those boobs in Hollywood.

Related …

The Great American Banana Split & Bank Robbery Festival

The $45 million ATM heist

Breaking Dad considering a life of crime

1993, Hollywood’s best year

The odd Amish crime wave

True Grit and no-grit De Niro: A Hollywood two-fer

I just saw one of the most talked about and critically praised movies of the year this week, and am mystified that one of the year’s most critically panned movies did smashing box office business.

Each is worthy of thoughtful commentary.

If that’s what you’re after, please look elsewhere.

This is a holiday week, a time when people with paychecks relax.

But that has nothing to do with blogging, which is sort of like a hobby in that it earns no money and distracts from actual wage-earning endeavors. Combine those factors with someone like me, a blogger who cherishes laziness, and you’re not  going to get something thoughtful or structured.

I’m not going to labor to form tedious transitions, mine wit or seek deeper meaning from popcorn matinees.

Instead, I’m going to take the lazy way out and write about them in two distinct sections.

I don’t think anyone’s going to mind. I apologize if you feel cheated and promise to come back next week with more cerebral stuff and maybe with a new blog motto for 2011:

“Now nearly three years without a price increase!”

• “True Grit” is more dud than Dude. The Coen Brothers have done so much marvelous work that herd critics are reluctant to say when they miss the mark, which is becoming more common.

I was disappointed. Worse, I was bored.

As I mentioned, I saw this with five buddies earlier this week. We sat in three different rows, two to a row, spread out with buffer seats between each of us. We were so intent on ensuring no one in the theater mistook us for the chipper gang from the Bravo show “Queer Eye for that Straight Guy” that Ronnie kept saying very loudly, “Gee, when do you think the girls will get here?”

I was really looking forward to this and, as with the last three or four Coen brother movies, I felt let down. It was a decent western and that’s something I always appreciate, but I expected more.

It must be nice making a movie about an obscure book and remaining faithful to its intent. That lets viewers and critics say of flaws, well, it’s just like that in the flawed book. 

C’mon. “True Grit” isn’t heirloom Americana. This isn’t grandpa’s old fire house chili recipe. If the book needs spice, throw in some cumin, dice up a pepper, add some Tabasco. Breath some fire into the old beast.

That’s what they did with the John Wayne version and it was great campy fun.

I just kept waiting for “True Grit” to kick into a higher gear that was never engaged. Jeff Bridges is becoming one of our best actors, and he was as  entertaining as expected. But the role wasn’t broad enough.

Much is being made of the sassy and opinionated 14-year-old star, Hailee Steinfeld, and her mouthy composure.

From what I understand, mouthy sass is something every 14 year-old girl who’s ever tuned into Disney shows like “iCarly” can instinctually summon.

The movie could have used a little literary license from the Coens who made things like “Fargo,” a movie that begins with an on-screen deception proclaiming what viewers are about to see really happened.

Why the lie? Here’s what Joel said.

"We weren't interested in that kind of storytelling fidelity,” he said. “If an audience believes that something's based on a real event, it gives you permission to do things they might otherwise not accept.”

Well, nothing in “True Grit” ever really happened.

And that’s how I felt about the afternoon walking out of the theater.

• What on earth can we as a concerned nation do about Robert De Niro? With the release of “Little Fockers,” I think we’ve reached a crisis situation.

He’s become on of those rarest of actors whose career trajectory has reversed. His best work was 30 years ago and he’s becoming increasingly unwatchable.

How the man who played Jake LaMotta in “Raging Bull,” Travis Bickle in “Taxi Driver,” Michael Vronksy in “The Deer Hunter” and Vito Corleone in two monumental Godfather epics could allow his prestige to be diminished in not one but two Focker sequels is appalling.

It’s as if Paul Newman starred as Butch Cassidy and Cool Hand Luke in his 20s and concluded his career flirting on the Lido Deck with cruise director Julie McCoy on the “Love Boat.”

De Niro, 67, hasn’t made an important movie since “Casino” in 1995. He turned down great roles opposite Clint Eastwood in “In the Line of Fire” (the John Malkovich role) and again in “The Departed” (the role that went to splendid Martin Sheen).

Critics panned the fock out of this version and some even took unkind shots at the original “Meet The Parents,” a movie I find hilarious.

But everyone involved in these sequels has disgraced themselves, none worse than the once-great De Niro.

He’s capable of great comedy, as he’s shown in the uproarious 1988 film “Midnight Run.”

Tom Hanks understands his popularity is based more on his likeability than his acting ability. He’s very wise and selective in the roles he plays and he stays below the radar.

De Niro is ubiquitous for all the wrong reasons. He’s in too many bad movies and seems intent on ridiculing all that made him great (“Analyze This/That,” “Shark Tale” and the “GodFocker” bits in the current nonsense).

Isn’t anybody offering Robert De Niro good roles?

Unless he does something good -- and it better be good and bloody -- he might as well go off and toil in unpaid obscurity doing something he enjoys doing for free.

I’d urge him to consider blogging.

• Happy New Year! Resolve in 2011 to overcome your fear of being lazy.

Some movies I might or might not see

With so many interesting movies by so many of our top stars either out or emerging, I think it’s time to take a look at what Hollywood’s offering during this busy season.

And with so many of these stars leading extravagant and intrusive off-screen lives, this will probably get snarky in a jiffy.

• “Unstoppable” -- I love trains, train movies and Denzel Washington so this one tops my must-see list. The reviews are great and it is one of three major releases filmed here in western Pennsylvania. Denzel brings no distracting baggage to his films. In fact, he’s becoming one of our coolest stars.

• “Fair Game” -- This is the story of the disgraceful Valerie Plame affair. Some of the pre-release events I’ve seen have shown Plame with Naomi Watts and, gee, Plame is far prettier than the starlet cast to play her. And she’s smart. The combination means I’d rather see the real Plame being interviewed about her life than the film version of events. Plus, this movie will remind of me of guys like Dick Cheney, Scooter Libby, and Robert Novak and that’s a dark part of history I just don’t care to revisit during the holiday season.

• “127 Hours” -- Gruesome tale of the man who had to cut his own arm off to survive a rock climbing accident. I can’t see mention of the movie without being reminded of a similar event from about 15 years ago when I was working for National Enquirer. A Pennsylvania woodsman was pinned by a tree he’d felled and had to sever his own leg to escape. It was one of the most amazing stories I’ve ever heard. It got such saturation coverage the Enquirer eventually passed allowing me to fabricate a better reason for when friends asked why there’d be no story from me. I told them it lacked enough compelling elements to warrant Enquirer interest. In order for it to a be an Enquirer story, I told them, the woodsman would have needed to have severed his own leg and then eaten it to survive. This looks really good but as sitters are hard to come by, it won’t make the, uh, cut.

• “Little Fockers” -- “Meet the Parents” was wonderful. But how this humble story inspired a three-movie franchise with a cast of A-listers is a disgrace. Everyone involved ought to be ashamed. Robert DeNiro? Again? This is the man who played Jake LaMotta in “Raging Bull?”  He ought to be ashamed of himself. Same with Ben Stiller. Every time I hear this crew’s going on another cheap money grab it makes me like the funny original less and less.

• “Tangled” -- This looks like a fun Disney movie. My wife’s taking our daughters to see it today and the girls seem a bit miffed the old man doesn’t want to tag along. Well, I predict by 2012, I’ll have seen “Tangled” about 150 times on the DVD we’re bound to own. Me watching college football with the boys in the bar seems like a more sensible option for a guy who gets bored with re-runs.

• “The Next Three Days” -- I’ve done a complete 180 on Russell Crowe. I used to hate him for his pretensions and public surliness. Then I loved him (and Denzel) in “American Gangster,” a movie that still freezes the remote whenever I stumble upon it. Then Crowe came to film this one here in Pittsburgh and I heard all kinds of stories about what a great guy he was while here in town. That means a lot to me. Maybe he just doesn’t like people in New York, L.A., or every other place he’s filmed on location. I heard one story that he was in a local guitar shop and overheard a couple saying a fine mandolin was just too expensive. The story, one I believe, says he paid for it and walked out without even waiting to be thanked. Makes me wish I’d been mandolin shopping that day. The movie trailers make the scenery look like a love letter to Pittsburgh. Very cool. Alas, it is being dogged by lukewarm reviews. I’ll wait for the DVD.

• “Love and Other Drugs” -- This is the third major release this month filmed in Pittsburgh. Take that L.A. If anyone surpassed Crowe in the good guy department it was Jake Gyllenhaal. The city fell in love with him. Me, I’m in love with his co-star Anne Hathaway. She’s had my heart ever since “Ella Enchanted.” If the term didn’t have such dog-like connotations I’d call her fetching. Plus, she’s nude in this and that still appeals to the eighth grader in me. The reviews aren’t great, but I haven’t read any reviews penned by eighth graders. It’s in play if Val’s eager to see it. Looks like it would be decent enough if all the actors remained fully clothed.

• “The Tourist” -- Johnny Depp is one of my favorite actors; Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt one of my least. They make what ought to be one of the most fun things in the world -- being an adored celebrity -- seem as crushing a burden as driving the last bus bound for Surlytown. It would take a lot of nudity for me to want to see a Jolie in a movie.

• “True Grit” -- This is the most intriguing offering of the season. First of all, I loved the original and Jeff Bridges is becoming one of our most interesting actors, if not the best. We just loved him in “Crazy Heart.” But the Coen brothers have been infuriatingly uneven lately. After being golden with a run that included some of my favorite movies (“Raising Arizona,” “Fargo,” “The Big Lebowski”), they have lost their way. I hated “Burn After Reading” and “No Country for Old Men.” Their purest defenders say the latter was true to the original intent, but after 2 hours and 40 minutes I have a right to expect a conclusion. It was an infuriating afternoon at a movie I’ve heard some call “No Ending for Stupid Movie.” This “True Grit” looks great and the cast is outstanding. I’m eager to see the reviews. If they screw this up, may both Joel and Ethan Coen be horsewhipped by the ghost of John Wayne.

This list omits about 20 other new movies that are so obviously dreadful (“Yogi Bear,” “Faster,” Burlesque”) they deserve no consideration.

The best movie I’ve seen this year is by far “The Social Network.” And “Zombieland” is uproarious fun.

In short, Hollywood’s still capable of making some great entertainment, but its batting average is well below the Mendoza line.

If it were a ball player it would be utility infielder for the Pittsburgh Pirates.