Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Today it's Matt Lauer; When will a man ever accuse a female boss of sexual harassment? When pigs fly?

Our daughter, 17, asked me a current events question I’ve yet to hear posed by any of the deep thinkers paid big bucks to comment on the news of the day.

“How come there haven’t been any female bosses accused of sexual harassment?”

Because I was wearing my father face, I didn’t crack a reflexive joke, roll my eyes or snort. And I didn’t say the first truth that popped into to my mind, which was, “Because men will happily screw any woman for any reason.”
My verbal response was far more nuanced. I said, “Because most men will happily screw most any woman for most any reason.”

I thought it wise to give my answer a little wiggle room, but I was essentially advising her to watch out ‘cause men are pigs.

Today, wow, it’s Matt Lauer.

Will we ever see a story of a man who felt forced to have sex with a female boss?

Perhaps. I’ll bet there are dozens of enterprising reporters right now pursuing these man-bites-dog stories — and please don’t read anything bitchy into my handy news definition cliche.

It’s gotten so bad I fear if a woman or women don't soon accuse me of sexual harassment people will begin to think I’ve either squandered my life being disinterested in sex or am, worse, a gentleman.

Will any man sleep with any woman for any reason?

It’s beginning to seem that way. I’ve known scores of men who will literally sleep with any woman who’ll nod yes. Heck, it’s not uncommon to hear rural arrests of men apprehended seeking carnal comforts from gentle farm animals.

And at what point your gaze begins drifting away from and begins casting a discerning eye out toward the nearby pasture I cannot fathom.

It is curious we’ve yet to hear even one story of a prominent female boss threatening a subordinate male with occupational retribution for not putting ol’ Percy in the playpen.

Statistically, there are more male supervisors overseeing more females, but that can’t be the explanation.

Are there scores of men sleeping with their female bosses out of self-preservation or because they get to brag to their male counter-parts, hey, I’m going heels-to-Jesus with the boss!

(Bonus points to readers who knew both sex euphemisms were cribbed from Woody Harrelson’s “Tallahassee” character in “Zombieland.”)

Like any thoughtful male, I did some soul searching over whether I was ever guilty of mistreating a subordinate female when I was in a position of power.

The soul searching lasted about 0.005 seconds when it dawned on me I’ve never once in my life been in a position of power over even one female. I haven’t had a job since 1992 and was an underling prior to that.

Occupational fecklessness, you see, is not without its hidden merits.

But it did occur to me that, lo and behold, I was twice brought to heel by better positioned females.

A Pizza Hut shift supervisor once told me if I didn’t stay to close with her on a busy Friday night she’d stick me on weekends the rest of the summer. The carrot sweetener was she’d get a 12-pack for us to split later in the parking lot.

It was a consensual no-brainer and to this day I’m probably the only middle-aged man who starts feeling frisky whenever he drives by a Pizza Hut.

The other incident happened when I was a lowly Latrobe bureau correspondent for The Tribune-Review. Complicit in the scandal was the pretty young Lifestyles editor.

I’ll spare you the unseemly details, but suffice it to say its revelation shocked the newsroom.

I eventually took the only noble resolution.

I married the girl.

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