Monday, April 19, 2010
Who's the worst man in America?
I’ve tried in vain for the past week to calculate who’s the worst man in America. The competition is just too, well, stiff.
Is it Tiger Woods? Ben Roethlisberger? John Edwards? Jesse James?
It’s an engaging topic among worldly men like myself. We’re the kind of guys who understand every single motivation a man could have for cheating on his wife.
Marriages go stale. Passions cool. Temptations beckon.
So men come at the topic with a slightly more sympathetic angle than would, say, a jury composed of 12 angry married women.
But the other night five of us were discussing over beers just which of these four men is the biggest disgrace to those of us who lug around the Y chromosome.
The misbehavior of each is so operatic that we were unable to agree on a clear winner, and by winner I mean loser. For that, we’re going to need spreadsheets, categories, assigned points and about eight more pitchers of beer.
We all agreed that Roethlisberger is the biggest jerk because his misdeeds are just a few splashes of DNA-testable material short of criminal. You’d have to give a ton of points for non-consensual acts.
He’s clearly the most stupid of the four. He could have been living Tiger Woods’s illicit life and no one would have cared.
So while he loses points for being a single man on the prowl, he gets a bunch for raping drunk women he should be sending home in cabs. And, remember, points here determine who is the most despicable.
I wouldn’t want any men to read this and think me and my buddies are going to buy them a beer and salute them for doing things for which they should be slugged.
The other three are married men involved with consensual adultresses.
So give Woods, Edwards and James points for being married. The marriage vow should still mean something and with our calculations it does.
But who among that trio is the worst cheater?
Tiger wins on volume, but loses points because, clearly, he felt no emotional attachment to these women who were either hookers or have undergone extensive plastic surgery to ensure they’d look like hookers.
Jesse James is an interesting contestant -- or should it be detestant?
He didn’t cheat as much as Tiger, but he gets a lot of points for cheating on America’s sweetheart with a Nazi. A Nazi!
“My wife says she feels no sympathy for Sandra,” Dave said. “She says she should have known he was a scumbag because his last wife was a porn star.”
Excellent point, but still . . . a Nazi! Plus, the news broke the night of her Oscar celebration so he gets incidental creep points for that. And if we’re giving Tiger 5 points for each women he’s cheating with, we’d have to give James 50 points for choosing to cheat with . . . a Nazi!
That brings us to John Edwards. One category is “Man with the Most to Lose.”
Edwards runs away with this one. Think of it: this could all be happening while he was president. It’s not much of a stretch.
The right despises Obama. Just imagine what Beck, Hannity and Limbaugh would be saying if our president was flying Air Force One to Charlotte to visit his mistress and their love child.
He loses points on the adultery scale because it was only one woman and he did have a caring relationship with her. But he gets huge points because he got her pregnant, blamed it on a buddy, and because his wife was battling cancer during the affair.
This is visceral with women. They just hate Edwards for that.
With most women, the rankings are Edwards, Rothlisberger, Tiger, and James.
Guys are more nuanced. We see mitigating factors.
With Edwards, we see it as a man trapped in a marriage that had broken down. We think Elizabeth should have said, “John, we had a nice run, lovely kids, etc. But I now see you’re unhappy and want to spend your life with the comely and new-agey Rielle. Go! Be free! Just please don’t bring her to my funeral. That’d be tacky.”
We can’t help it. That’s just the way we think.
So after an evening of boozy consideration, I still can’t decide who’s the worst.
For now, our only logical conclusion is this:
Not only do we men have penises, alas, sometimes we just can’t help but act like them, too.