Random thots on baseball, racism, Ebola and one bad movie

I’ll be appearing before about 10,000 people at Fort Ligonier Days in nearby Ligonier this Friday and Sunday.

Saying it like that makes it seem like a big deal. And it is. 

For Ligonier, at least. It’s a huge weekend for the town and people come from all over to enjoy the fall festival.

My role is much more peripheral. I’ll be signing books and saying howdy on the sidewalk outside Second Chapter Books, 139 E. Main St. I’m flattered owner Laurie McGiniss invited me, along with a handful of other writers, to sign books in such a prominent spot on such a busy weekend. I have a family reunion on Saturday so I won’t be there for the busiest day. 

So I’m besieged with various distractions so let’s take a scattergun approach to today’s post.

• Baseball is down to four teams and Pittsburgh’s not one of them. That means I need to concoct an artificial reason to root for a bunch of uniformed strangers who collectively earn as much as $500 million more than I ever will.

I like Baltimore, but lots of Baltimore likes Ray Lewis so they’re out. Kansas City is very appealing because they haven’t been in the playoffs for 29 years. So they’re my American League favorite.

In the NL we have San Francisco and St. Louis. I love San Francisco and have wonderful memories of honeymooning there. I really don’t have anything against St. Louis. They’re a wonderful organization and many of their fans devote their lives to producing malted beverages that make people like me happy. But there’s now video evidence that many of those fans are also bitter racists so I’m pulling for the Giants, with my heart hoping Kansas City wins the whole thing.

• Most of the current movies look too dismal to get me to go to the theater. Even “The Judge,” which looked promising, is out because majority reviews declare it mediocre. So, all I can do for Hollywood entertainment is read and share the hilarious slams witty critics are bestowing on “Left Behind,” the new Nic Cage movie, which is checking in at just 2 percent positive on review aggregator site Rotten Tomatoes.

For starters: Linda Barnard, Toronto Star, “Score one for Satan!”

• It’s silly for me to disparage St. Louis based solely on its racist fans. If teams with racist fans were my rooting criteria I’d even have to stop rooting for Pittsburgh. Heck, I’d have to stop rooting for the Latrobe Wildcats. Racism is a defining characteristic of many flag-waving Americans today.

• “Left Behind,” Martin Scribbs, Mixed Reviews, “I can’t wait for Nic Cage to explain THIS one to God on Judgement Day.”

• Still getting great feedback on my latest promo. People think it’s hilarious. There are three versions. This links to the 3:25 one, this to the jumbo 7:34 version. I’m hoping soon it starts getting rave reviews from the men and women looking to book entertaining speakers.

• “Left Behind,” William Bibbiani, Crave Online, “It’s bad alright, but not so bad it’s good. It’s just so bad it’s bad. And that’s too bad.”

• I was having a bad day yesterday, filled with rejection and self-doubt. Then I got an e-mail from a guy I met briefly last year near the Luxor crap tables in Las Vegas. He’d enjoyed my book and e-mailed to say he’d referenced it in an interview that helped him land a job as a PR manager at the Wynn. I told him the only thing that would have pleased me more would have been if the interview had been WITH Wynn. But his story really turned my day around.

• “Left Behind,” Nell Minow, Beliefnet, “The movie is being marketed as ‘Christian Entertainment,’ but it does not qualify in either category.”

• “Many of us pray at night to God that he’ll do something to change the world, while going through each and every day ignoring the God-given powers we have to change the world.” That, I believe, is one of the most profound things I’ve ever written. I use the line in my talks to tell people how we can make or ruin anyone’s day with either a kind or slashing word. My Vegas friend’s note is a perfect example. Try it today with someone you know who could use an encouraging word. You’ll change the world.

• My decision to pass up the a chance to sell books on the busiest day of a popular festival in favor of drinking and farting with my cousins is yet another example of why I seem destined to be impoverished by my priorities.

• “Left Behind,” Liz Braun, Jam! Movies, “When you are following in the footsteps of Kirk Cameron, nothing good can come from that.”

• If the previous quote about God-given powers is, indeed, one of the most profound things I’ve ever written it’s only because the competition is so slim. I for years thought my most profound line was this: “I’m becoming convinced the greatest faith isn't the belief in God. The greatest faith is when Curly yells, ‘Hey, Moe! Hey, Larry! Help! Help!’ and believes the situation will actually improve.”

• “Left Behind,” Brian Truitt, USA Today, “‘Left Behind’ seriously could have used some divine intervention.”

• Being paranoid about Ebola is understandable. It’s scary. But right now the most sensible step most Americans can take to prevent the spread of Ebola is to donate to a worthy organization like Doctors Without Borders. The philanthropic is full of altruistic healers who are understandably paranoid about Ebola to ensure the  paranoia you’re displaying today will always be a silly overreaction. 

• “Left Behind,” Bill Gibron, Film Racket, “(Ticket buyers) will be praying for salvation from this awkward apocalypse.”

• Interested in seeing a really funny movie that might have slipped under your radar? It’s “Enough Said,” with James Gandolfini and Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Val and I just laughed and laughed. It was wonderful. Rotten Tomato critics agree and gave it 96 percent.

• I wonder if what America’s top critics would say about my cheesy promo. I think they’d score it about 82 percent fresh, which is good.

• Stop by and see me on Friday or Sunday (not Saturday) at Ft. Ligonier Days! Buy a book. Buy two!

Don’t get left behind.

Keepin' all my crayons sharp

(1,087 words)

Charcoal and Lampblack: those were the only two colors the company that would grow to be Crayola Crayons produced when it was founded in 1864. And it took good lighting and a discerning eye to differentiate between the two. Today, the children who use Crayola brand products can choose from more than 120 different colors, including Atomic Tangerine, Laser Lemon, and Razzmatazz. What child isn’t glad to be alive in such a vibrant age? The company, which now earns more than $100 million each year, says the average child will wear down more than 730 crayons before he or she turns ten years old.

-- From the introduction to “Use All The Crayons!”

I didn’t realize when I wrote this black and white book it would lead to a lot of time playing with crayons. If I had, I guess I would have written it in about 1992. I’d forgotten how fun playing with crayons can be.

The crayon bit happened by accident. I sent the first signed copies out to Arnold Palmer and the people who helped me secure his endorsement and signed them the way all authors do.

So the first copies are the worst copies. They are signed in pen. They are blah. They might as well have been signed by John Grisham -- and who needs that?

It was boring as hell and it offended my creative sensibilities.

Certainly, I could do better.

So when I took a stack to Second Chapter Books for Laurie McGinnis in Ligonier to sell, I felt an urge to add some dash.

I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner, but I stopped by Kmart and set down $12.99 for the deluxe bonus box with 96 colors. My plans were to sign each book in a different color crayon.

Well, that still didn’t cut it. I decided to color in the eight little clip art crayons and any enclosed parts of the letters in on the title page. That looked nice, but there was still a big vacancy above the title the cried for coloring.

So I made a circle with a reddish Jazzberry Jam. I used a Periwinkle for the left eye and a Sea Green for the right. The Dandelion crescent turned it into a little crayon smiley face. I added little flairs of color extending out from the circle with little dots orbiting the sphere.

Beside it with a pointer arrow I added the helpful description: “Author Self Portrait.”

My friend Marjorie described it as a “minimalist Picasso.”

In two months I’ve already done more than 400 and no two are exactly alike.

That’s a lot of crayons.

Did you know a crayon box comes with a crayon sharpener?

This will make me sound like the world’s biggest candy ass, but the fingers on my right hand hurt after an hour or so of crayon sharpening. It takes like 25 twists to reclaim a point. The device is very inefficient.

If the book sells well enough the first thing I’m going to do is hire a shapely intern to sharpen my crayons. And that “sharpen my crayons” isn’t a sly reference to sex.

I’m just one of those middle-aged men who likes having a proud point on all his crayons.

I try and use a dozen different crayons for every title page signing. I’m probably the only one who cares, but if I happen to use two shades that are similar I feel bad and have to fight the urge to set that book aside and start over. I worry someone grumpy’s going to say, “The book’s called ‘Use All The Crayons!’ and it’s obvious he used Burnt Sienna twice. That’s just lazy.”

I try and avoid earth tones. So the browns are still in good shape.

But I fear for the purples, reds, blues and greens. They are just so vibrant I wind up using them over and over again. They’ve become all dull and stubby, nearly too short to be of any use -- and we’re still talking crayons here.

The least used? The white. You can’t see it.

The most frequently used? The black. It’s the only color I use for nearly every signing. I for some reason have decided that every nose on the radiant smiley face should be black. The heavy stroke seems to anchor the whole thing. 

And part of me feels it’s an approving nod to affirmative action and will resonate with those who believe in fair hiring practices. In that regard you could say I’m brown-nosing the black.

The sales at Barnes & Noble in Greensburg are exceeding my expectations. I’m closing in on 30 sales in one month. That’s great.

The book started out and remains in the self-improvement section, which is right across from the human sexuality books. If you’re one of those people who judge a book by its cover then you’ll judge mine inferior to soft core porn of the sex books. I confess to lingering on the side of the aisle opposite my book for a pulse-racing browse.

But about a week ago they moved the bulk of my books to Broadway. They now have a display of them prominently featured at the high traffic information island in the center of the store.

The sales staff there have been so friendly and supportive I wish I could give them all a great big hug. But there are unwritten rules and my hug might be misconstrued as a maneuver I picked up from one of the human sexuality books and that could be a problem.

So instead last week I brought them a big tray of cookies from Dainty Pastry, our local bakery, which I’m sure they appreciated more than than a big, grabby hug.

They told me this week they just ordered 19 more copies. That’s very good news. Word of mouth is really propelling the book. Thank you, my friends, for making that happen.

That means I’ll be up there this week spending about an hour or so in the cafe decorating books in ways that far beneath literary titans like Hemingway and Steinbeck. That means lots and lots of crayon sharpening.

I shrink not from the task.

A man like me always has a good sharp crayon at the ready.

And if something malfunctions I understand they have little Robin’s Egg Blue pills available for that sort of thing.

Related . . .

• “Use All The Crayons!” Still free, defying biz models

• Audio rights for “Use All the Crayons?” Sold!