Greensburg B&N book signing Friday w/ all my Inverted Jennys!

(727 words)

Pack up the sleeping bags, the inflatable air mattresses and your long john jammies. Temperatures are expected to dip below freezing tonight and that cement sidewalk can chill your bones.

What’s the occasion?

I’m signing books Friday from 4 to 8 p.m. at the Greensburg Barnes & Noble!

What? You were expecting Springsteen tickets?

Other writers may post Facebook notes politely asking friends to share news of their book signings and maybe make time to stop by.

That’s not good enough for me.

I want riots, stampedes, hysterical teens dancing on flaming couches.

And what do I intend to do to warrant such newsworthy commotion?

I promise to wear all those crazy rubber band bracelets my daughters have made for me the past three months.

And nothing else!

Fear not. The girls are so industrious with their looms not a speck of flesh will be exposed. I’ll look like a rainbow-colored Michelin Man. You can toss me off the roof and I won’t stop bouncing until I’m clear past the Red Lobster.

Any other reason why anyone should show up?

Yes! The store has about 30 collector’s edition copies of what will go down in history as the “Inverted Jenny” of “Use All The Crayons!”

The Inverted Jenny is the famous 1918 postage stamp that featured an upside down airplane. The image represents the most famous mistake in stamp history. One mint-conditioned rarity in 2007 was auctioned for $977,500 or about what every single Forever Stamp today would need to sell for the USPS to turn a profit.

As I’ve mentioned, the book’s done so well that the publishing entity gave it a second print makeover and is lavishing it with more than $4,000 worth of marketing and promotional oomph. It’s being entered in award contests and presented to top book buyers who’ll decide if it’s worthy of national distribution.

The biggest change is apparent on the back cover bio that hypes all the magazines for whom I’ve written. All the changes turned out to be very painstaking. That’s why I was so deflated when they sent me for approval the very first copy of what the “new” book.

See, I’d added two lines. The first line immediately after the listed magazines is: “He’ll write for anyone who pays him.”

Somehow the key second line was not there. That line is: “He is a PROSEtitute.”

I was crestfallen because the first doesn’t work without the second. Without the punchline, the first line makes me look like a money-grubbing hack, which I most definitely am not, even though my wife, I’m sure, wishes I were.

This pushed back the book’s re-release by about two weeks.

But the Greensburg Barnes & Noble sells so many copies of the book -- and the fact leaves me overjoyed -- an order for 30 snuck in between corrections.

Thus, my Inverted Jenny.

I’m not saying it’ll be worth $977,500 in year 2108, but there’s a chance it’ll be worth maybe double what 24 used copies are right now being offered for on Amazon.

So that means one day the books could be worth two pennies!

The book has come so far in just one year -- and thank you one and all for helping make that happen.

Just last year I was actually including in promotional material the line, “I can’t promise you’ll enjoy “Use All The Crayons!” but we’re pretty sure it won’t make your head hurt!”

Now, thanks to so many of you, I simply tell people that everyone loves my book.

Saying so used to make me uncomfortable, as it sounds so conceited. No more.

Now I know I’m merely telling the truth.

So everybody, one and all, please stop by and buy a book for a friend. They’ll love it, I swear. Or maybe stop by and say hello.

And I have one additional request: Everyone bring along at least one nimble friend named Jenny so I can stand them all on their heads.

I’ll post the picture on my website over the caption, “Chris Rodell and all his inverted Jennys!”

It promises to be another triumph for what was one of the world’s most rejected books and further evidence that with a good idea and the support of friends and loved ones it’s still possible to turn the book industry on its head.

Related . . .

Bar book signing!

Arnold Palmer NOT attending my book signing

How I became a PROSEtitute

Mom’s coming to my Lebo book signing!

Bullies, books & bikers

(808 words)

An area bully was arrested recently at the local Barnes & Noble that’s been so pivotal in getting “Use All The Crayons!” noticed by company evaluators who now tout its potential.

It took two state policemen and an untold number of volts to subdue the man, but not before he caused $500 damage.

Concerned friends called to ask if my books were among the victims. They were not, I said. If they’re anything like the man who authored them, they probably fled at the first sign of trouble to duck behind a thick stack of Tom Clancy he-man books.

I thanked them for their concerns, but couldn’t resist the opportunity to use the event as a sales pitch.

“If you really cared,” I said, “you’d rush right up to that store and find good homes for any books of mine that are on the shelves.”

The world’s a dangerous place and my books have no way to defend themselves. I really should do something about that.

You know what they say: The only thing that stops a bad book with a gun is a good book with a gun.

If that sounds like me endorsing arming The Bible so it can defend itself against “50 Shades of Grey,” then I’m not making myself clear.

I just want more people to buy my book.

I despise bullies and hope they throw the book at the troublemaker. Not my book, which is light enough to float away on the breeze. Maybe a dictionary. Of course, heavy books are all surrendering to e-formatting.

I can envision a day not far off when angry judges bent on bestowing severe punishment will throw the Nook at miscreants.

It would be nice if the judge sentenced him to read my book, which might improve his disposition.

Reaction to the book has led me to shed all my default self-deprecations and humilities.

I apologize for the apparent pomposities, but on this I can’t help it.

Everyone who gets their hands on the books loves it -- and some of them are resorting to outlandish displays to prove it.

First, some bottom-line good news.

I was at that very Barnes & Noble last week, as I often am. For about the past three months every single time I go in there I emerge with a smile and warm feelings.

The people there treat me and my book so well.

You probably have no idea what that means to me.

Trying to get a book -- any book -- published and sold is a process fraught with rejection and humiliation.

You can let it either defeat or fuel you.

Tattooed on my brain is this rejection from one esteemed publisher: “How are we going to sell a self-help book by a guy who seems incapable of ever even helping himself?”

That line alone provides sufficient fuel for me to reach book stores on Pluto.

So when Barnes & Noble HQ said it would sell my book on a trial basis it already felt like vindication.

And thanks to enthusiastic support from store employees, the book became a mini-sensation in Greensburg over the holidays, enough so that the district manager noticed and ordered the book sold at all seven area stores.

Then just last week came this news: Barnes & Noble stores in West Virginia and Connecticut are now stocking the book.

West Virginia, I can sort of understand, but Connecticut? How does that happen?

And what’s next?

That’s all very encouraging, but this weekend came some, well, let’s call it top-of-the-head confirmation my book is really clicking.

My book is changing the fashions with biker chicks.

The picture above is not a hoax. 

Barb Smerkar sent it to me over the weekend. She said she noticed her son, an avid video gamer, reading my book. 

“The fact he was reading a book impressed me enough to want to find out more about it. He read the entire thing! I glimpsed through it, loved what I read, so I bought it for my Kindle.”

She loved it so much she had her husband paint her motorcycle helmet as a homage to my book and her cheerful lifestyle.

And I’m tickled pink.

And mauve, periwinkle, vivid tangerine, hot magenta and, well, you get the idea.

Which brings me back to the bullies I loathe.

Now’s a good time for you to become one and bully your friends and loved ones into buying copies of my book for themselves and their friends.

This is the slowest book-buying time of the year. A surge of people buying “Use All The Crayons!” will draw positive attention.

Who knows? Maybe the self-help book by the guy incapable of ever even helping himself will really take off.

And you know what that means?

Look out, Pluto, we’re on our way!

Related . . . 

• Bar book signing!

• Reject me, please

• Arnold Palmer NOT attending my book signing

New "Crayons!" promotional extravaganza: Free money!

(939 words)

So I was on the last leg of my seven-hour, 212-mile “Use All The Crayons!” Winter Book Tour when I began to ponder the ways in which my humble little stretch differed from one involving bestseller Dennis Lehane.

He’s the award-winning Boston author and screenwriter for blockbusters like “Mystic River,” “Gone, Baby, Gone,” and “Shutter Island.” He stays at the finest hotels, eats sumptuous meals and practically anything he desires. For all I know gets his pick of the each city’s finest hookers.

Me, I got in my 2007 Saturn Vue and drove to five Pittsburgh-area Barnes & Nobles, met some store managers, signed 50 books and snagged an Arby’s Beef & Cheddar at the drive-thru on the way home.

And, man, I swear it was all great. Great!

I got the news last week that all seven Pittsburgh-area Barnes & Nobles are now selling my book.

Getting a self-published book into Barnes & Noble is the literary equivalent of a walk-on player from a Division III school making the cut with an NFL team. The odds against it happening at all are very high.

When B&N decided in August to buy my book, they didn’t buy 10,000 copies.

They bought 10.

They sent all 10 to the store nearest me -- Greensburg, Pa. -- to see how they’d do.

Well, they did great -- and thanks to each and every one of you who helped make that happen.

So last week I’m in there to sign any new copies and the store manager tells me, “Hey, I’ve got good news. They’ve started selling your book in all the Pittsburgh stores. They either noticed how well it was doing here or one of our book buyers liked your book enough to order it for all the area stores.”

Either way, it’s a heady validation. The book is following the exact trajectory it needs to become a national success.

And I’m doing all I can to goose it along.

That meant driving to the stores, introducing myself to store personnel, signing the books and thanking them for anything they can do to increase the book’s visibility.

I guarantee you, they’ve never met an author like me.

I say this because they all asked if I needed a pen.

Apparently, many traditional authors are pampered enough to show up to sign books without pens. So I’m guessing my speculation about hookers isn’t that far off.

I not only came prepared with a working pen, I brought my deluxe box of 96 Crayola Crayons with safety-tuck crayon sharpener to prevent bloodshed from careless toddlers and drunken adults.

Each store had 10 copies. I’d sit there in the cafe for about 30 minutes doing my all dandy doodling.

The store managers and employees were uniformly wonderful. They were so enthused for me and several said they’d put my book on display at the high-traffic Customer Information desk in the center of the store. That was key to elevating sales in Greensburg.

So I’m sitting there at the last store thinking about how well the day had gone. 

That’s when I felt a little twinge of anxiety.

What if this is as good as it gets? What if people in other parts of Pittsburgh don’t dig my book the way they are Greensburg? What if the run stops here?

I can’t let that happen.

That brings me back to Lehane and maybe the one thing we have in common: we’re both geniuses at self-promotion.

Lehane’s been in the news for offering to name a high-profile character in his next book after whomever finds his missing beagle, his beloved Tessa. The result has been an avalanche of national news stories about his devotion to the dog and the unique way he’s instigating a search.

I hope it succeeds. Despite the fact that he’s probably a fan of both Tom Brady and Bill Belichick, Lehane seems like a great guy.

What else could I do to stir interest in my book?

Then it hit me.

I’ll pay you to read it.

I took a $5 bill out of my wallet and tucked it cozy inside so it won’t fall out.

I’ll even tell you the exact location: It’s on page 13.

That’s important because page 13 is home to Tip no. 33: 

Every time you stay in a hotel, take the Gideon’s Bible out of the drawer and open it to Luke 12:22. Read it and then put a five-dollar bill in between those pages and return the book to the drawer. The passage talks about how God always takes care of our needs and we shouldn’t worry about material things. If someone is looking for inspiration, perhaps your five-dollar bill will seem like a divine reminder.

I, in fact, do this often. I did a story about the Gideons and admire their mission. 

Interesting factual trivia: hotel managers told me the item they most often find bookmarking the Bibles are condoms.

I won’t tell you any more other than to say the money book’s not in the Greensburg or Cranberry stores (as of now).

But from now on it’s going to be a staple of my secret signings. It’ll be another Easter egg reason for strangers to pick up the book and give it a browse.

Tell friends. In fact, I encourage you to join the fun by pulling a random copy from the Self-Improvement section and slipping a $5 or whatever between pages 12 and 13.

And this should go without saying but, please, leave only currency.

Keep the condoms for yourself. 

Related . . .

• My week of obnoxious self-promotion

• My business plan: keep feeding the unicorn

2012 office party & you're invited!

(657 words)

FYI: Spirit Airlines offers flights from Myrtle Beach and Fort Lauderdale direct to Latrobe’s Arnold Palmer Regional Airport. So that’s my best route for anyone wishing to attend my office Christmas party next Friday from, I think, 7 p.m. till whenever a.m.

That means confirmed readers in places like Cote d’Ivoire, Guernsey, Aland Islands, Fiji and Sri Lanka will need to seek an alternative.

Preferably something other than Greyhound.

Can you believe this blog has readers from places like that?

It’s true. In fact, my stats page tells me I’m closing in on representatives of 150 nations who’ve stumbled onto my musings.

Talk about your Christmas miracles.

Besides the above mentioned obscurities, the blog’s also registered readers from Macau, Gabon, Liechtenstein, Nevis & St. Kitt, and the Northern Mariana Islands.

It’s a veritable Coalition of the Too Much Time on Their Hands.

Just last week, records showed someone from Isle of Man in the Manx Sea between Scotland and Ireland checked in to read the story about my mustache.

Of course, they did. Certainly no one from the Isle of WoMan would care to read about lip hair.

Nor would anyone, I suppose, from the Isle of Misfit Toys.

I was looking at this list of tiny countries and wondering how many of their armed forces could be defeated by the Greater Latrobe Wildcats 2-7 varsity football team. It might be competitive.

But that’s only sporting speculation unbecoming of a holiday renown for peace and goodwill toward blog readers.

I should offer an incentive for anyone from these distant countries to make the difficult trek to Latrobe to attend my party -- like a free “Use All the Crayons!” to whomever travels the farthest.

But I fear that would mean teams of drivers would be checking odometers driving back and forth from Dave’s house in Lloydsville and Todd’s house in Derry to determine precisely who wins and that might tempt Dave or Todd to cheat.

I’m excited about hosting the party, the first holiday gathering since 2009.

Here’s the flyer from that inaugural. It read in festive fonts:

Merry Christmas!

POND OFFICE PARTY

4-6 p.m., Apt. 2

All Friends and Honest Strangers Welcome!

Games, prizes . . . smokers welcome!

Come for the Fun! Come for the Pizza!

Come hear Bob Dylan sing your favorite Christmas Songs!

Come and enjoy my new haircut!

As you can surmise, I thought the big draws would be the opportunity to hear the new Dylan album, “Christmas in the Heart,” a collection of songs where a Jewish troubador -- a Jewbador? -- sings popular songs about a Christian holiday, and the chance to see my new haircut.

Apparently, I was suffering from delusions of Beiber.

What people seemed to enjoy was the opportunity to see a truly unconventional work place where little conventional work ever gets done. Most of the faces of my guests bore the same wondrous expression you see on children when they visit a zoo.

So people enjoyed themselves, never more so than when our daughter, Josie, then 9, drilled me right in the chestnuts with a juggling bag.

They probably heard my pained yelp clear in Cote d’Ivoire.

People have asked about the party the last three years and I always told them I wouldn’t have another because the first turned out so Christmas wholesome, and I found that appalling.

But this year’s been truly wonderful. I’ve been overwhelmed by the reaction to my book.

People love it and have gone out of their way to support its success. I was at the Greensburg Barnes & Noble just yesterday and learned they’d sold 78 copies in six weeks. They had just two copies left. We’ll hit a hundred before Christmas, I’m sure.

So now’s the perfect time to host a festive party where we can celebrate our friendship, our hopes for a better future and everyone can enjoy watching me get drilled in the balls again.

What I won’t do for holiday tradition.

Related . . .

• 2010 Office Party: Canceled!

• Yuletide taints & Christmas creeps

Another smashing book signing

(789 words)

One clear lesson from my two major book signings: People in places where there is lots of booze and mine is the only book are more apt to buy my book than sober folk who can choose between my book and tens of thousands of other books by people like Twain, Steinbeck and Grisham.

I intend to plan accordingly.

Don’t get me wrong. The Saturday book signing at the Greensburg Barnes & Noble was a smashing success. Sold 18 books in two hours.

That’s a lot.

In fact, you could argue the 43 I sold over four hours to friends and local inebriates at The Pond on October 4 makes Saturday’s effort a statistical tie.

I’ve done my share of book signings over the years and when it goes poorly you begin to have sympathy for good-hearted, but homely hookers.

You’re there all by yourself for hours. Most people ignore you. A few will ask about what you have to offer and how much you charge. Some will try and shame you into giving them a freebie.

So it was a real joy to have so many enthusiastic people show up to buy “Use All The Crayons!”

Some had seen this Eric Heyl story the previous week. A few heard me on Dow Carnahan’s radio show that morning. Most were strangers.

One burly guy stood there dumbfounded in front of my table for a minute or two before asking a question: “You from around here?”

Affirmative.

“I’m a trucker from over in Somerset,” he said of the nearby town. “I’m driving eight to 10 hours every day so I listen to a lot of audio books. This morning I was on Audible.com and your book was featured on the self-help page. I looked at it and thought, man, I’ll have to remember this one. It looks perfect for a long drive.”

He said there were already two positive reviews. 

“And now I come here and I see the same book and the guy who wrote it. It’s hard to believe.”

I was tempted to tell him it was bound to be a sign from God and he should buy a dozen books. Instead, I just agreed in wonder. It was very weird.

I told him he should really buy the hard copy of the book, rather than the audio, and I’m not saying that because even homely hookers have to eat.

My little drawings and how I sign the book is making it very special for people. It brings tangible joy.

I know this because I’m in the thick of Christmas signings. Just this week, three satisfied readers placed Christmas orders for 14, 12 and 10 crayon books (discounted to $14 a piece) destined for dozens of friends.

This type of thing has become common. I’ve filled orders for 24, and twice for 20 for people who are so mad for my book they are intent on giving it to friends and loved ones, certain it’s the perfect gift.

Hardly a day goes by when someone doesn’t order three or four. Certainly, I should be directing them to Barnes & Noble or amazon.com so those healthy sales would register with national beancounters.

But the signings make them special. Why would I deprive someone of the opportunity to give a gift that shows a lot of heart from every angle?

And let’s make this clear: nobody buys 10 or 20 copies of my book because they’re friends with me or my wife. That’s too much money to spend out of chummy obligation.

No, people love the book and they want to share it with others.

The heady reaction is causing me to shed my default self-deprecation earned through years of failure and rejection.

There’s too many positive indicators assuring me this book is striking a chord and is going to succeed.

I thought of that when the woman you see pictured above came up to my table and asked to buy two books.

She and her husband had read Eric’s story, checked out the website and packed their two daughters up and drove 30 miles just to meet me.

I’d have been blown away even if the woman hadn’t endured a day of family taunting by wearing her crayon sweater. Lovely!

I’m beginning to appreciate just how many people are yearning for something exuberant, something colorful, something that understands just how difficult this life can be and how essential it is for us to do everything we can to fill it with fun while we all still can.

If you know someone like that, I swear, I have just the thing.

And shame on you if you think I’m talking about fixing you up with some lonely hooker.

Related . . .

• Bar book signing Thursday!

• “Use All the Crayons!” on iTunes!

Keepin' all my crayons sharp

(1,087 words)

Charcoal and Lampblack: those were the only two colors the company that would grow to be Crayola Crayons produced when it was founded in 1864. And it took good lighting and a discerning eye to differentiate between the two. Today, the children who use Crayola brand products can choose from more than 120 different colors, including Atomic Tangerine, Laser Lemon, and Razzmatazz. What child isn’t glad to be alive in such a vibrant age? The company, which now earns more than $100 million each year, says the average child will wear down more than 730 crayons before he or she turns ten years old.

-- From the introduction to “Use All The Crayons!”

I didn’t realize when I wrote this black and white book it would lead to a lot of time playing with crayons. If I had, I guess I would have written it in about 1992. I’d forgotten how fun playing with crayons can be.

The crayon bit happened by accident. I sent the first signed copies out to Arnold Palmer and the people who helped me secure his endorsement and signed them the way all authors do.

So the first copies are the worst copies. They are signed in pen. They are blah. They might as well have been signed by John Grisham -- and who needs that?

It was boring as hell and it offended my creative sensibilities.

Certainly, I could do better.

So when I took a stack to Second Chapter Books for Laurie McGinnis in Ligonier to sell, I felt an urge to add some dash.

I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner, but I stopped by Kmart and set down $12.99 for the deluxe bonus box with 96 colors. My plans were to sign each book in a different color crayon.

Well, that still didn’t cut it. I decided to color in the eight little clip art crayons and any enclosed parts of the letters in on the title page. That looked nice, but there was still a big vacancy above the title the cried for coloring.

So I made a circle with a reddish Jazzberry Jam. I used a Periwinkle for the left eye and a Sea Green for the right. The Dandelion crescent turned it into a little crayon smiley face. I added little flairs of color extending out from the circle with little dots orbiting the sphere.

Beside it with a pointer arrow I added the helpful description: “Author Self Portrait.”

My friend Marjorie described it as a “minimalist Picasso.”

In two months I’ve already done more than 400 and no two are exactly alike.

That’s a lot of crayons.

Did you know a crayon box comes with a crayon sharpener?

This will make me sound like the world’s biggest candy ass, but the fingers on my right hand hurt after an hour or so of crayon sharpening. It takes like 25 twists to reclaim a point. The device is very inefficient.

If the book sells well enough the first thing I’m going to do is hire a shapely intern to sharpen my crayons. And that “sharpen my crayons” isn’t a sly reference to sex.

I’m just one of those middle-aged men who likes having a proud point on all his crayons.

I try and use a dozen different crayons for every title page signing. I’m probably the only one who cares, but if I happen to use two shades that are similar I feel bad and have to fight the urge to set that book aside and start over. I worry someone grumpy’s going to say, “The book’s called ‘Use All The Crayons!’ and it’s obvious he used Burnt Sienna twice. That’s just lazy.”

I try and avoid earth tones. So the browns are still in good shape.

But I fear for the purples, reds, blues and greens. They are just so vibrant I wind up using them over and over again. They’ve become all dull and stubby, nearly too short to be of any use -- and we’re still talking crayons here.

The least used? The white. You can’t see it.

The most frequently used? The black. It’s the only color I use for nearly every signing. I for some reason have decided that every nose on the radiant smiley face should be black. The heavy stroke seems to anchor the whole thing. 

And part of me feels it’s an approving nod to affirmative action and will resonate with those who believe in fair hiring practices. In that regard you could say I’m brown-nosing the black.

The sales at Barnes & Noble in Greensburg are exceeding my expectations. I’m closing in on 30 sales in one month. That’s great.

The book started out and remains in the self-improvement section, which is right across from the human sexuality books. If you’re one of those people who judge a book by its cover then you’ll judge mine inferior to soft core porn of the sex books. I confess to lingering on the side of the aisle opposite my book for a pulse-racing browse.

But about a week ago they moved the bulk of my books to Broadway. They now have a display of them prominently featured at the high traffic information island in the center of the store.

The sales staff there have been so friendly and supportive I wish I could give them all a great big hug. But there are unwritten rules and my hug might be misconstrued as a maneuver I picked up from one of the human sexuality books and that could be a problem.

So instead last week I brought them a big tray of cookies from Dainty Pastry, our local bakery, which I’m sure they appreciated more than than a big, grabby hug.

They told me this week they just ordered 19 more copies. That’s very good news. Word of mouth is really propelling the book. Thank you, my friends, for making that happen.

That means I’ll be up there this week spending about an hour or so in the cafe decorating books in ways that far beneath literary titans like Hemingway and Steinbeck. That means lots and lots of crayon sharpening.

I shrink not from the task.

A man like me always has a good sharp crayon at the ready.

And if something malfunctions I understand they have little Robin’s Egg Blue pills available for that sort of thing.

Related . . .

• “Use All The Crayons!” Still free, defying biz models

• Audio rights for “Use All the Crayons?” Sold!