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Saturday, April 29, 2017

Tweets of the Month (again)!


My friend Bryan Henry took this and a bunch of other snazzies at the Tin Lizzy nearly two years ago. I remain so pleased with them I hope I never age lest my pictures begin to appear fraudulent. Thanks for, reading, sharing, commenting and caring. You can find tweets at 8Days2Amish


• Reading newspapers online is to actual reading what phone sex is to lovemaking. Gone is the soul, the serendipity the chance to get hands good & dirty

• I’m one of those guys who says he hates change, but still stoops in traffic for pennies and nickels.

• Some say I may be one of those writers who doesn't become success 'til dead. Good/bad news is I'm so stressed could happen Tuesday.

• Given the current trajectory of social media trends, in four years everyone will know everyone and no one will get along with anyone.

• Our world will be a better place when all those scheming to find the means to an end instead work on finding an end to the means.

• I’m in debt, prospects bleak, savings long gone ... I tell ya, when it comes to nothing, I got it all!

• I’m going to spend the rest of the day concocting a story about  an unscrupulous masseuse who was arrested for armed rubbery.

• Does heaven have Casual Fridays and if they do, pray tell, what do they wear?

• I wonder how long it'll be before the number of earthlings living in space outnumber the number of earthlings living on earth.

• Beer drinkers who believe their bladders are half empty should be called pissimists.

• The name Ivanka Trump sounds like a punchline to one of the prank calls Bart makes to Moe on "The Simpsons.”

• Does it make me practical or cheap when I take wife, daughters, 16 & 10, to Olive Garden and ask the waitress for separate checks?

• Imagine how much better USA would be if everyone interested in who's up/down in West Wing cared as much about their local school board.

• News that airline service "going down hill" feels like prophesy. I worry to save money, planes will soon travel on the ground.

• Given their cost-cutting insistence on ridding flights of all frills, planes will soon be plains. 

• It’d be charming news if archeologists were to reveal today they found a cave drawing emblazoned with the motto, "Cave Sweet Cave.”

• So Bob Dylan releases a bunch of Sinatra covers and it's "tribute." I release "Grapes of Wrath" under my name and it's "plagiarism." #UNFAIR

• On this day in 1865, Lincoln was shot, in 1912, Titanic hit iceberg, and in 1996 Greg Norman blew a 6-stroke lead to lose Masters.

• Reports say $16 mil bomb killed 36 ISIS. If there are 200,000 ISIS in world, we'll need just 5,000 more and $80 billion.

• Which is the greater cultural irony: Roger Daltry still singing, "Hope I die before I get old," or Madonna still singing, "Like a Virgin.”

• Do the females who make Elmer's Glue consider themselves Bond girls or would that make them stuck up?

• I used to believe politics was a pendulum that swung back and forth. Now, I realize it's a ping pong ball getting the shit relentlessly smashed out of it.

• Technology is the willful and agreed-upon demolition of charm and all that was once beloved as quaint.

• I wonder if any of the men from the Lewis & Clark expedition ever complained about things like lactose intolerance or peanut allergies.

• Let the early bird have the worm. Sleep in and take the Pop Tart.

• My wife says it's time for a new floor. I didn't think we'd need a new floor until one of us begins falling through holes in the old floor.

• Smart phones are great but until smart phones have coin return slots where you can find surprise quarters they simply won't measure up.

• Climate change, lousy air quality, unsightly rubbish piles ... if Earth were an apartment we'd be at risk of losing our deposit.

• Death of Erin Moran is also the death of my dream of seeing her host a cable antiquing show: "Joanie Loves Tchotchke!”

• Many viewers cranky and gloomy now that Bill O'Reilly is no longer around to make them feeling cranky and gloomy.

• Used to feel bad I didn't know more about the faiths of my friends. That was before I realized how little I know about my own faith.

• Hard to wrap my brain around it, but just heard a DJ describe the Rolling Stones as a “popular ‘60s boy band.”

• I enjoy calling angry acquaintances assholes and then watching them react as I advise they should be more open to constructive criticism.

• No good pun goes unpunished.

• The proliferation of the 10 concert quiz has me longing for the days of ice bucket challenge and all the hilarious fails that ensued.

• What do you foresee being the issue that will one day cause the robots to go on quality-of-life work stoppage? I imagine it'll be anger over having to miss the happy hour. That's what did it for me.

• Because tiny Crabtree, Pa., pop 320, is home to not one, but two GREAT Italian restaurants (Rizzo's & Carbones) I propose we rename Crabtree Spaghettysburg.

• Fearful over the repercussions Ann Coulter is canceling her May 2 speech in Berkeley. Praying she doesn't decide to come to Tin Lizzy.

• Leave it to Kinks wit Ray Davies to perfectly sum up state of music: "Rock's not dead. It's just gone to the Catskills.”

• Mother’s Day in just 17 days! Am I required to take the Mother Of All Bombs to brunch or will flowers suffice? 

• Roger Goodell spent the night excessively celebrating with men whom he'll in six months be fining for excessively celebrating.

• Most know of the demise of the dodo bird, but few recall it was preceded by another tragic extinction. I'm talking about the dododo bird.

• The last time I so simultaneously relied upon and resented something like Facebook was when I was 27 and was compelled to move back in with my folks.


• Some men dream of riches. Some of solvency. Me, I dream of a day when I’ve vanquished caring one way or the other.

•  I'm going to be famous! I just taught Snickers how to sing/bark "I Want You To Want Me!" Yes! I taught an old dog Cheap Trick!


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