One word answers to many vexing questions

Sometimes the weight of pointlessly blogging to an indeterminate number of universally good-hearted and appealing readers becomes too great a burden to bear.

I know, that’s like complaining of back pains from hoisting too many balloons.

Alas, it is true.

Topical, blog-worthy news stories are simply crashing about us every moment of the 24-hour news cycle.

Should I write about politics? Pop culture? Religion? International intrigue?

Geez, that seems like a lot of work. Still, these issues must be addressed and in a timely manner.

So today I’m going to give my most thoughtful opinion on each of the main issues facing the country in a colossal opinion-fest not for the faint of heart.

And because that seems such a daunting feat of scattergun pop punditry, there’s only one way tackle it: with one word answers.

What’s to be thought of a blogger who attempts something so bold?

Intrepid

Death penalty?

Abolish

Don’t ask/Don’t tell?

Repeal

Homosexuality?

Whoop-de-doo

President Obama?

Dogged

Congressional Democrats?

Spineless

Congressional Republicans?

Hapless

Sarah Palin?

Electrifying

Christine O’Donnell?

Moronic

My attempts to appear politically even-handed?

Futile

Aging rocker Steven Tyler hosting American Idol?

Disgraceful

Jon Stewart?

Genius

Stephen Colbert?

Ditto

Glenn Beck?

Fad

Rush Limbaugh?

Relapse

Best one-word title movie you’ve seen since “Jaws?”

Zombieland

Super Bowl winner?

Steelers

Stanley Cup winner?

Penguins

My hometown Pittsburgh sports devotions?

Transparent

How am I feeling today?

Great!

Does God exist?

Yes

Does He care?

Sporadically

Favorite Three Dog Night song?

One

How do you say “one” in Spanish?

Uno

What should we do about global warming?

Panic

What will you rely on to get through these tough times?

Bourbon

What is all you need?

Love!

Again?

Love!!

Once more, with feeling?

Love!!!

What band inspired those last three questions?

Beatles

What percentage of your readers understands that series of questions is drawn from the song, “All You Need is Love” and that your answers should be joyfully sung?

Eight-five

Stones or Beatles?

Stones

Mick or Keith?

Keith

Ginger or Maryann?

Wife

What are you planning on doing after finishing this little exercise?

Posting

Then?

Tavern

How many of your readers do you think have stuck around this far?

Bunches

Is this even working?

Perhaps

What are you listening to while you’re typing this?

Boss

Care to be more specific?

Bruce

More?

Springsteen

Which one?

Greetings

What’s your favorite song from that album?

Blinded

Chances we’ll see Mideast peace in your life time?

Remote

Worth pursuing?

Absolutely

What would you do if Iran develops a nuclear reactor?

Bomb

Will it come to that?

Nope

What should white people do about news that, unless trends reverse, they’re likely to be minorities in one generation?

Copulate

What if that fails to prevent eventual minority status?

Relax

Should they build that pseudo-mosque two blocks from Ground Zero?

Yes

Even if makes Tea Party leaders come unhinged?

Especially

How can you support such an inflammatory position?

Constitution

Do you care that Lindsay Lohan seems bent on self-annihilation?

Some

If you were her judge, what sentence would you impose?

Iowa

What’s your opinion on legalizing marijuana?

Whoop-de-doo

What do you advise for people for whom partisan politics is an all-consuming pursuit?

Marijuana

What do you call GOP men like Ken Mehlmen? He was the Bush 2004 campaign manager who used gay-bashing as a wedge issue, then in August announced -- ta! da! -- he is gay.

Slomosexual

What are you looking forward to most as the weather turns colder?

Soup

Does your new “stats” feature continue to show that, second to the USA, the majority of your readers come from Denmark?

Yes?

How do you feel about that?

Fremragende!

You’ve now answered more than 50 questions about various issues, from the serious to the silly. Could you go on?

Yes

Will you go on?

No

What are your thoughts about this format? How would you characterize it -- and please be concise?

Done