Showing posts with label Denmark. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Denmark. Show all posts

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Chile: The straw-shaped nation


Today’s a target-rich environment for bloggers too shallow to have developed a disciplined and thoughtful niche.
That’d be me.
First, we have the Steelers in the Super Bowl. Win or lose -- and the Steelers won’t lose -- the next 13 days will be for Pittsburghers like me the perfect holiday. You get all the holiday joy with none of the in-laws, the gift buying or any of that tedious churchy sobriety.
But if there’s one thing readers aren’t lacking in, it’s more Super Bowl jabber. I’m sure I’ll be contributing a few times so let’s shelve that for now.
I could write about SOTU and the new seating arrangement. Cynics are dismissive, but I think it’s a charming gesture of civility. Bravo.
But again, yawn. There’s plenty of that out there elsewhere.
How about the passing of Jack LaLanne? I’d love to write about him, but just did not too long ago. You can check it out here. 

So what does that leave us?
Chile!
Yes, the Republic of Chile, land of Andean Condors, Easter Island mysticisms and rescued miners always rarin’ to party.
I’ve become fascinated with Chile through the secret Stats page at www.EightDaysToAmish.com, over which I’ve been obsessing ever since it appeared in July.
Stats, in theory, tells me how many readers I have, their homelands and which posts are the most popular.
It’s a dizzying array of conflicting pseudo facts about the 10,151 people Stats says have been reading my blog since July.
Some of it fascinates: For instance, by far, the most widely read post was one about the top 25 songs as noted by my iPod play count feature. I'm dismissive of this because it's mostly a list that could have been constructed by a typing chimp.
Second is “Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Beautiful,” which has some actual constructed thoughts. Yet, I’m sure the reason that one does well is because it’s about and features a picture of the lovely Ines Sainz.
Others in the top 10 include a recent one about forgiving Ben Roethlisberger, a salute to Bob Seger and a nifty one I like about why even stink bugs need love.
I’m most drawn to the page listing where people who read my blog live. Of course, USA swamps the medal count here. 
What is entirely unexpected is that Denmark is number two by a landslide. I have more regular readers in Denmark than in Canada, U.K. and Russia.
That’s very endearing. But it makes me wonder what the Danes get that, say, the amiable hoseheads in Canada do not.
And if things keep going as they do, I expect to be zooming over to the Netherlands on May 5 in time for the Dutch to fete me for Liberation Day parades.
For reasons I cannot fathom, readers in the Netherlands have in the past seven days gone crazy for my blog. In one week, readers in the Netherlands have leapfrogged more populace countries like Brazil, France and Germany to become no. 6 on countries with the most people who read my barely coherent musings.
That’s so cool. Thanks, my windmill-revering friends!
In total, I’ve scored multiple readers from 52 countries, including Moldova, Ghana,  and Bangladesh.
But this isn’t about the countries that do read my stuff. This is about one of the several hundreds that don’t.
This is about Chile.
See, Stats has given my geographic comprehension an unexpected boost. The countries with my readers are highlighted in green.
That’s how I became fascinated with Chile. I’d never really paid much attention to its shape before. It’s amazing.
Check it out. There is Argentina hogging nearly all of South America.
Then there hard on the left on what looks like just the beach is the Republic of Chile. It’s a country imprisoned by the formidable Andes Mountains and their average height of 13,000 feet. I remember reading the book, “Alive,” about a 1972 plane full of students and rugby mates who crashed in the mountains and resorted to cannibalism to survive.
Happily, the story of Chilean cuisine doesn’t end there.
I did a little research. It’s a remarkable and vibrant country.
Chile is 2,700 miles long, or about the distance from San Diego to Washington, D.C.
But the width is just a wee bit bigger than the interstate highways you’d drive to traverse the two.
On average, it is just 109 miles wide.
Incredible. Some of our western Pennsyvlania high school football teams have offensive lines who’d have to turn sideways to jog through parts of it.
How I missed for my entire life this geographic oddity about a prominent country with more than 17 million mostly Spanish speaking people is on its face surprising.
But for some perspective consider this: I’ve lived long stretches of my life right next door to people and all I’ve known about them is that they bang on the walls when they think the Rolling Stones are being played too loudly.
So my ignorance of distant lands is par for the course.
I vow it won’t last long.
I’m going to bone up on Chile and am optimistic I’ll learn it’s a land worth learning about and maybe one day visiting.
Yes, I think I’ll find the world’s only straw-shaped country does not suck.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

One word answers to many vexing questions


Sometimes the weight of pointlessly blogging to an indeterminate number of universally good-hearted and appealing readers becomes too great a burden to bear.
I know, that’s like complaining of back pains from hoisting too many balloons.
Alas, it is true.
Topical, blog-worthy news stories are simply crashing about us every moment of the 24-hour news cycle.
Should I write about politics? Pop culture? Religion? International intrigue?
Geez, that seems like a lot of work. Still, these issues must be addressed and in a timely manner.
So today I’m going to give my most thoughtful opinion on each of the main issues facing the country in a colossal opinion-fest not for the faint of heart.
And because that seems such a daunting feat of scattergun pop punditry, there’s only one way tackle it: with one word answers.
What’s to be thought of a blogger who attempts something so bold?
Intrepid
Death penalty?
Abolish
Don’t ask/Don’t tell?
Repeal
Homosexuality?
Whoop-de-doo
President Obama?
Dogged
Congressional Democrats?
Spineless
Congressional Republicans?
Hapless
Sarah Palin?
Electrifying
Christine O’Donnell?
Moronic
My attempts to appear politically even-handed?
Futile
Aging rocker Steven Tyler hosting American Idol?
Disgraceful
Jon Stewart?
Genius
Stephen Colbert?
Ditto
Glenn Beck?
Fad
Rush Limbaugh?
Relapse
Best one-word title movie you’ve seen since “Jaws?”
Zombieland
Super Bowl winner?
Steelers
Stanley Cup winner?
Penguins
My hometown Pittsburgh sports devotions?
Transparent
How am I feeling today?
Great!
Does God exist?
Yes
Does He care?
Sporadically
Favorite Three Dog Night song?
One
How do you say “one” in Spanish?
Uno
What should we do about global warming?
Panic
What will you rely on to get through these tough times?
Bourbon
What is all you need?
Love!
Again?
Love!!
Once more, with feeling?
Love!!!
What band inspired those last three questions?
Beatles
What percentage of your readers understands that series of questions is drawn from the song, “All You Need is Love” and that your answers should be joyfully sung?
Eight-five
Stones or Beatles?
Stones
Mick or Keith?
Keith
Ginger or Maryann?
Wife
What are you planning on doing after finishing this little exercise?
Posting
Then?
Tavern
How many of your readers do you think have stuck around this far?
Bunches
Is this even working?
Perhaps
What are you listening to while you’re typing this?
Boss
Care to be more specific?
Bruce
More?
Springsteen
Which one?
Greetings
What’s your favorite song from that album?
Blinded
Chances we’ll see Mideast peace in your life time?
Remote
Worth pursuing?
Absolutely
What would you do if Iran develops a nuclear reactor?
Bomb
Will it come to that?
Nope
What should white people do about news that, unless trends reverse, they’re likely to be minorities in one generation?
Copulate
What if that fails to prevent eventual minority status?
Relax
Should they build that pseudo-mosque two blocks from Ground Zero?
Yes
Even if makes Tea Party leaders come unhinged?
Especially
How can you support such an inflammatory position?
Constitution
Do you care that Lindsay Lohan seems bent on self-annihilation?
Some
If you were her judge, what sentence would you impose?
Iowa
What’s your opinion on legalizing marijuana?
Whoop-de-doo
What do you advise for people for whom partisan politics is an all-consuming pursuit?
Marijuana
What do you call GOP men like Ken Mehlmen? He was the Bush 2004 campaign manager who used gay-bashing as a wedge issue, then in August announced -- ta! da! -- he is gay.
Slomosexual
What are you looking forward to most as the weather turns colder?
Soup
Does your new “stats” feature continue to show that, second to the USA, the majority of your readers come from Denmark?
Yes?
How do you feel about that?
Fremragende!
You’ve now answered more than 50 questions about various issues, from the serious to the silly. Could you go on?
Yes
Will you go on?
No
What are your thoughts about this format? How would you characterize it -- and please be concise?
Done

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Hello Denmark!

I knew Google blogger’s introduction of a “Stats” feature would be a colossal waste of time destined to compound another colossal waste of time.
That would be this blog.
Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy blogging and the great feedback I hear from so many friendly readers here and at www.redroom.com.  It keeps me going when all the people with real jobs coldly ignore my heartfelt petitions for real work.
I used to say blogging was the journalistic equivalent of running a lemonade stand. Then it dawned on me even 8 year olds know enough to charge a quarter for a glass of lemonade.
So why blog?
Well, ideally to build an audience so vast and enthusiastic that prestigious editors will pay to cannibalize our blogs for their readers and that publishers will be forced to recognize our work because of the sheer power of the readership we bring to bear.
We seek validation.
After two years, I have found it. And it was in the last place I would have thought to look.
Hello Denmark!
Thanks to the new weeks-old stats feature I can track how many people are reading my home blog, where they live and when the last time any of them engaged in anything the right wingers on the U.S. Supreme Court consider deviant (your secrets are all safe with me, my friends).
So now I spend about an hour or two every other day or so writing a post and the remainder of my waking hours checking to see who’s reading what and if any of the real deviates live near to invite over for high tea.
And the most astounding thing I’m learning is I’m a global phenomenon. I have readers from all over the world. I have scores of them in South Korea, Australia, Brazil, the U.K., China, Thailand, South Africa and Lebanon -- and I mean the Lebanon with Beirut, not the Pittsburgh suburb of Mt. Lebanon where I grew up, the one with Carbonara’s Restaurant on Mt. Lebanon Blvd.
And I have at least one reader in Luxembourg.
I’m ashamed of my ignorance of these distant lands. For instance, all I know about Luxembourg is that is one of the smallest independent nations in the world. How small I have no idea.
For all I know, maybe there are just five people there which would mean that 20 percent of the population reads “Eight Days To Amish.” Who knows? My one reader might be Grand Duke Henri, the nation’s beloved monarch.
And wouldn’t that be cool!
Let’s assume it is and here’s what’s odd: I know that at 6:45 a.m. Henri (he’s so omnipotent he has just one name) was reading my blog, but he wasn’t reading a current post. No, he was reading “WeatherMan is my Superhero,” a post dashed off on June 22, 2009. 
Why anyone in Luxembourg would be reading a 13-month-old post from an enigmatic blog purporting to be approaching Amishness is baffling.
I for the life of me have no idea how on earth anyone stumbles onto a blog called “Eight Days To Amish.” Really, calling it that was a very bad idea.
I thought it reflected just how desperate my financial situation had become (and still is). Heck, some days I’m about four days from having the electricity shut off and doing this like churning butter and trading kids for cattle.
And that brings me to Denmark, pop. 5,540,241.
For reasons I cannot fathom, I have 68 readers in Denmark, second only to the 1,718 of them stats says I have this month in the USA (I invite you all to “follow” the blog by posting your picture to the right. I futterwacken anytime someone does -- and that’s the dance Johnny Depp does in “Alice in Wonderland,” not something deviant).
So, finally, after two years I know my target audience. I know the people who “get” my stuff. 
Here they are straight from Wikipedia: “Denmark, with a mixed market capitalist economy and a large welfare state, ranks as having the world's highest level of income equality. Denmark has the best business climate in the world, according to the U.S. business magazine Forbes. From 2006 to 2008, surveys ranked Denmark as ‘the happiest place in the world,’ based on standards of health, welfare, and education. The 2009 Global Peace Index survey ranks Denmark as the second most peaceful country in the world, after New Zealand. In 2009, Denmark was ranked as one of the least corrupt countries in the world according to the Corruption Perceptions Index ranking second only to New Zealand.”
I have found a home. So I’m going to do everything I can to court these happy, virtuous liberals in the hopes they’ll welcome my humble little blog into their mixed market capitalist arms.
That means you’re about to be deluged with musings on Tivoli Gardens, 12-time world champion windsurfer Bjorn Dunkerbeck, and how I pine to have a Carlsberg beer to wash down my hearty frokost of frikadeller with a side of Sol over Gudhjem.
I’m going to focus on cultivating every last Danish reader from Abenra to Lolland, from Copenhagen to Esbjerg and clear north to Skagen.
But it won’t happen overnight. It’ll take time.
Until then, I’m eight days to Danish.