Saturday, June 29, 2019

Tweets of the Month ... a day early!

Big graduation party tomorrow, so I’m moving up the traditional month-ending 8Days2Amish tweet round-up by one day. Heartfelt apologies if this deviation throws you into confusion. Have a great weekend and thanks for all your encouragement, cheer and support!

• Bible says our bodies are temples. On Friday nights, mine is more like a honky tonk. Some beer's been spilled, some of the furniture is busted & it smells kinda funny. But the folks are friendly, the peanuts are free and the good music never ends.

• My admiration for the storytellers always declines whenever I recall no one's ever had one of my favorite characters say, "To be or not to be ..." Yes, I want to see the obvious. I want to see Piglet play Hamlet!

• This is how we nibble at the edges of our lethal problems. Virginia Beach gunman kills 12 and we're discussing how it will save lives if guns would only sound more like guns. Yeah, that's the problem ... 

• For those keeping score at home: Bad Guy with a gun, 12; Good Guys with guns, 1. #VirginiaBeachShooting

• The idea of being a lab rat must seem  prestigious to ambitious rats so it must be a cruel disappointment when they learn what it really involves.

• How come there's a "w"in wrong, but not one in right? It's crazy! Am I wright?

• My environmental fantasy is that one day researchers declare that styrofoam soaked in sea water turns into tiny dolphins that eat plastic and poop unicorns who fart ozone.

• Stephen Hawking contends Artificial Intelligence could wipe out man by 2050. Imagine the theological ramifications if Jesus returns in 2051.

• I just checked the 5-day and think I might be safe to put the snow scraper back in the garage. It's a safe bet I won't be needing it until the start of the next Western Pennsylvania winter or what you call July 5.

• I admire them for their loyalty, companionship and eagerness to please, but what I admire most about dogs is they'd never pause for even a second to read a lousy nutrition label.

• Congratulations to the Toronto Raptors for winning NBA championship. Now does Trump understand Toronto is in Canada or does he just to be polite invite them to the White House for hamberders?

• A youthful friend says his steady girlfriend keeps bugging him with questions about if he likes kids. I advised him to tell her that if she puts enough ketchup on it, he could eat anything.

• I’m tempted to execute a citizen's arrest every time I see some jerk exit the men's room without washing his hands but worry then the duty of fingerprinting ol' pee hands might fall to me.

• The only thing better than being a great Daddy is having one. Happy Father's Day!

• I wonder if Lazarus had the foresight to re-gift his copy of "100 Things to do in Jerusalem Before You Die" while it still had mortal relevance.

• The great thing about taking the scenic route isn't just that it's scenic. It's that if you take the scenic route often enough you somehow in the eyes of others become the scenic route.

• In my ongoing quest to prepare you and I for the afterlife, I will now devote the next hour to resolving if Heaven has time zones.

• How sizable would the yard sale be if you had access to all the stuff enemies through-out your life told you to shove up your ass?

• Those eager to see a hyphen in this sentence will suffer from dashed hopes. #grammar

• When someone tells me they don't have the time to read I assume they don't have time for sex either.

• ”Eve of Destruction" is most harrowing protest song ever. Lyrics remain relevant. I'd like to hear a current re-release but sung by The Muppets.

• Stake out space and be prepared to defend; find secure place for valuables; apply sunscreen every 2 hours; check need for shark repellent; monitor children against potential stranger danger. A day at the beach is no longer a day at the beach.

• McCartney was an optimist, cheerfully convinced it would all work out. Lennon a pessimist, grimly sure of eventual doom. Who was right?

• With a name like Yo-Yo, did the world's most famous cellist have any choice but to  play a stringed instrument. I mean, it would't make sense to have the kid named Yo-Yo play the tuba …

• I wish I was one of those sly prestidigitators capable of pulling a coin out from behind a child's ear. Instead it looks like I'll always be one of those near-deadbeats who the day before Comcast imposes the late fee pulls the exact amount owed straight out of his ass.

• Everything about being alive -- from the air we breathe to the food we eat -- is either killing us slowly or all of a sudden. Friday conversation starter: Could we somehow live forever if we'd never been born?

• Turn to the person nearest you and surprise them with a sincere compliment. Why? Because you'll both feel better and because it'll strike a blow against incivility, the rude of all evil.

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