Follow my tweets at 8days2Amish! Or don’t. I’ll make sure all the good stuff ends up here on the blog sooner or later. Have a great weekend!
• Until all insects respect my 5-foot cone of privacy, summer's always going to be a bit overrated to me.
• What’s it say about my musical appreciations that George Harrison was my favorite Beatle, but only fourth favorite Wilbury?
• Daughter, 9, thinks Coachella Music Festival is a music festival run by a coach named Ella.
• ”Latest technology" is our greatest misnomer. All technology is dated the instant it is released. Grocery store milk has longer shelflife.
• What are the odds a man called Prince would die on the Queen's birthday?
• Used to tell well-mannered folks they must have been raised by good parents. Now I realize many turn out good by disregarding awful ones.
• I miss good music and simpler times but I'm most nostalgic for the day when I didn't know your politics and you didn't know mine.
• I’m convinced we could end world hunger if for just one summer USA agreed to cease all competitive eating contests.
• I’d like to see Bruno Mars and Venus Williams get together and have a kid who could be described as earthy.
• Men are from Mars, women from Venus, but Venus Williams is from Lynwood, California.
• Just learned Karl Rove was born on Dec. 25. I believe it's the only thing he and Jesus have in common.
• Many people say they want to be writers when what they mean is they want to be either John Grisham or J.K. Rowling.
• How massive is my ego? When daughter, 15, is in car texting to friends I believe she is writing, "My Daddy is the greatest!”
• A good warm bath is about as close to returning to the womb as we can get without inconveniencing Mom.
• I hope next week Roger Goodell greets one top draftee so exuberantly he has to fine himself for an excessive celebration.
• The wave of vast emptiness I felt realizing that Mick is 72 and will one day die eased somewhat with realization Keith never will.
• I absolutely can't stand this about myself but sometimes I find myself sitting here thinking, man, I wonder how Kate Gosselin's doing?
• It’s fun imagining how great historical figures would have looked had they worn big militant afros. Try it with Jesus, Lincoln, Dick Cheney.
• How come only people entitled to blither seem to be idiots? Heard plenty of blithering newscasters. Been known to enjoy good blither myself.
• Most perplexing aspect of my existence is how I can go from being so popular at the bar to being unpopular at home w/out getting the bends.
• Mood rings are great, but interpersonal relations will dramatically improve when we have mood noses.
• Any man who thinks he's his own worst critic is either delusional or unmarried.
• I wish Bishop Desmond Tutu had a son named Bishop Desmond Tutu so Bishop Desmond Tutu could be called Bishop Desmond TuTu II.
• Realized I was wrong to wonder which historical likeness Trump will bump from Rushmore when he's prez. He’ll bump and replace all. Mt. Trumpmore will be more Trump!
• Facebook is like what happens in junior high school classes when the teacher leaves the room to sneak a smoke.
• It’s often said of snowflakes no two are ever alike, but what about popcorn? Needs further study. Too bad I eat most of my popcorn in dark.
• Which is the greater cultural irony: Roger Daltry still singing, "Hope I die 'fore I get old," or Madonna still singing, "Like a Virgin?”
• There’s so much noise I hope to one day evolve ear lids. Like eye lids, I could just shut them in the presence of something unpleasant.
• I have to imagine the swear box in Hell is always full, but what sorts of public improvement projects get the proceeds?
• I like it when restaurants use sandwich boards to promote sandwiches.
• It feels contradictory even to me but I truly hate people who truly hate.
• I wonder if anyone in the Lewis & Clark expedition ever complained about things like being lactose intolerant.
• We live in a time when many people aren't truly happy unless they're truly angry.
• Toy mermaids must have doll fins.
• Walls are so ugly. I'd like to see Trump announce he'll install a border-long invisible fence and persuade Mexicans to wear shock collars. And Mexico’ll pay for the collars!
• I’m good friends with about 20 true morons and it absolutely infuriates me their votes count just as much as mine.
• The only way curmudgeonly old dogs could be more lovable is if they succumbed to male pattern baldness
• It’s taken 15 years but www.ChrisRodell.com is finally becoming more like Chris Rodell. What could go wrong?
• We should distribute phone numbers in order of importance. It’d be fun to watch Trump argue that he, not God, should be #1.
• Often the things we most want are the things that’ll kill us the quickest if we were given unrestricted access to them.
• Daughter, 9, collapses in disbelieving hysterics when I tell her there's a man whose name's pronounced Dick ButtKiss and no one makes fun.
• Told daughter, 9, Rodell is actually spelled with three Ls. "The second one's silent, but the third one is silent AND invisible.
• Put the word "Horny" in front of any two-word news subject and it becomes the name of a great punk band. Re: "Horny Amish Housewives”
• Given news of protestors/reporters being assaulted, I propose the candidate change his name from Donald Trump to Donald Thump.
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