No one’s ever said, man, I’ll be devastated if you don’t do the yearly round-up of twitter nonsense. Yet, I feel compelled to uphold the tradition that is now in its 6th year. It’s helpful to me to have them all gathered up in one place.
Thanks for reading my stuff and … Happy New Year!
• You shouldn't be allowed to demand U.S. impose order around the globe until you can prove you can impose order on your own family.
• Trump’s repeated declarations that "deep state" is out to get him lead me to believe he runs the shallow state.
The Stooges are to comedy what porn is to drama: it's still satisfying even when the plot's a little thin.
• That twilight -- a halfway point of solar illumination -- is one of my favorite words compels me to use "twi" prefix more. "I got twidrunk last night but the missus became twihomicidal when I told her I was feelin' twihorny.
• The cumulative weight of the '78 Super Bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers starting offensive line was 1,277 pounds. The five starters in those same positions today weigh 1,604 pounds. Somewhere in this calculation is a solution to world hunger.
• For many, the advent of social media means our greatest fear is no longer death. It is the fear of appearing too ordinary.
• People say "not a snowball’s chance in hell,” like they know forecast. In my hell, there will be tons of snow.
• I have read that tribes native to Arctic climes have 47 words to describe snow. I have just as many to describe farts.
• If Monica Lewinsky was a consenting adult then I guess that makes porn star Stormy Davis a really, really consenting adult.
• World will be a better place when all those scheming to find the means to an end instead worked on finding an end to the means.
• We live in corrosive, often cruel times, but I'm grateful we don't live when the phrase, "There's more than one way to skin a cat," become part of the vernacular. I don't know of even one way to efficiently skin a cat.
• It was Robert Louis Stevenson who said, "There is no duty we so underrate as our duty to be happy." Clearly, RLS never spent a weekend in Athens, Ohio.
• Every perfect parent understands the need to impart some daily imperfection lest their children grow up without someone to blame for their inevitable adult flaws.
• Martial Law is when a nation's military imposes its will on citizens. Marsha Law is when the oldest daughter on Brady Bunch imposes hers.
• Most people who think they have the world on a string realize too late what they're really holding is a lit fuse.
• I was born unaware, but immediately began paying attention and soon caring about the world and its people which means I've spent my entire life bewildered & devoutly wishing I'd just been born satisfied being stupid.
• I wonder if Biblical partisans complained about the blatant nepotism when God chose His only Son to be Savior.
• In America's tedious gun violence debate, the only thing that changes are the names on the tombstones.
• The future of mankind will be brighter when its history is graced by more kind men. And women!
• Your life will be more fun if you don't judge new friends on their virtues, but instead on their potential as compatible cellmates.
• Anytime you hear of anyone dying suddenly, it ought to reinforce the need to ALWAYS be living suddenly.
• If get to heaven before you, I promise to spend all my time stringing tacky party lights so heaven will feel more festive.
• It infuriates me when I realize I'm 55 and my idea of a really great day is one that involves me finding a quarter.
• Who’ll be the next player to enter the MLB Hall of Fame as a Pittsburgh Pirate and has he or she been born yet?
• The only thing that could make curling more oddly compelling is if were contested on a deep lake atop thin ice.
• Navajo Tribe tradition meant no child could be given a name until he or she enjoyed their first authentic burst of spontaneous laughter. Just dealt with a 50-something grocery clerk who, I swear if she were Navajo would be wearing a blank name tag.
• Grammarians rejoice! Due to unusual confluence of current events and Olympic punishments, this is the first time Russians can meddle, but not medal.
• If a diplomatic rooster tries to avert a cock fight is it fair to call him chicken?
• The pious nudist will always feel conflicted about becoming a man of the cloth.
• I don't think people appreciate the ferocity of a nor'easter. It's the only weather system capable of blowing two of its letters into apostrophic oblivion.
• I used to read one competent newspaper for 30 minutes each morning and spend the whole day feeling informed and accomplished. Now, I read dozens of news sources all day long and live in a constant state of bewilderment. Thanks internet!
• Experts agree Parkland making a difference to adults in Washington sensing maybe -- just maybe -- our gun laws might need adjusting. So to you hundreds of victims from Sandy Hook, Orlando, Vegas, Columbine, Blacksburg, etc ... Thanks for nothing!
• Happy 142nd Birthday to the telephone! Imagine how different phones would have sounded if they'd have been invented by Alexander Graham Horn. Honk! Honk!
• Given trajectory of men's grooming standards I fully expect to within 2 years see ads advising me how to get a really close shave on my armpits.
• Nostradamus used his visionary mind to predict the future. A seer who does the same thing using only a keen sense of smell is Nostrildamus.
• A clear, sharp mind is a brute impediment to enjoying so much of life's wonder and whimsy. Not my problem!
• I’ve been drunk and I've been pretty and I've been pretty drunk, but never once when I've been drunk have I been considered pretty.
• One of the trickiest parts of being a father is advising teenagers about the virtues of abstinence and sobriety when some of my life's happiest memories involve being drunk and getting laid.
• Had I known how deeply having children would cut into my TV viewing time, my Facebook profile would today feature pictures of our hamsters, Josie & Lucy.
• I’ve read that turning the last page of a good book is like saying goodbye to a good friend. It's particularly jarring to me 'cause none of my good friends are ever book sober.
• How about this for a new rule? The only time you're allowed to show me pictures on your phone is when the pictures are of me and were taken in 1987 when for one week I looked sort of like this … (imagine a picture of Fabio)
• It’s becoming clear porn actresses and Playboy Playmates will have cheap sex with boorish and uncouth men as long as they're wealthy. Question: Will they have sex with a poor man if the compensation is intimacy with a gent of ample grace and wit? I'm, er, asking for a friend.
• I’m growing oddly nostalgic for the days when GOP leaders used to say, "Now, hold on. Let's wait to hear what Sarah thinks.”
• I’m such an optimist that I hope if I do go to hell, it's in a hand basket. We could picnic!
• The abundance of today's school activities for our daughters coupled with my habitual days of hooky means I'm now spending more time in high school than when I was in high school.
• It says something about American priorities that there are a plethora of erectile dysfunction ads, yet none proposing cures for the cerebral kind.
• With so many people seeking to carry concealed weapons, I tried to figure how many times I'd shoot myself each week if I carried. I figure 3.
• Greatest drag on US productivity could be reversed if docs said they were just jokin' when they said male masturbation was a health benefit.
• I propose they rename phone book "The Big Book of Names & Numbers of People You Don't Know, Will Never Meet & Will Never Call.”
• My next big money maker: Gonna start a tribute boy band of unruly young posers capable of performing credible versions of "Kashmir," "Whole Lotta Love," and "Stairway to Heaven." "Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for ... LAD ZEPPELIN!”
• I will devote part of the day to teaching my beloved daughter how to drive, the whole time feeling like a warden who's cheerfully teaching an inmate how to escape.
• I enjoy asking the waitress at the family restaurant if she has chicken fingers and when she says yes, saying, "Oh, you're being too hard on yourself. Sure, they're hideous, but they still appear human.”
• I may be misjudging the man, but I suspect every time Trump leaves the White House he steals a towel or two.
• Did your Mom ever write your name on your undershirt tag? She was years ahead of her time. Mom: inventor of the original Collar ID.
• People who want to appear more interesting get tattoos. People who want to become more interesting get library cards.
• Dressmakers who grow their own cotton sew what they reap.
• If I were a geologist, I'd become famous by writing a scholarly paper declaring precisely when Mother Nature lost her virginity and describing in detail all the earthly consequences.
• Trying to explain the value of books to someone who does not read is like trying to explain the value of air to fish.
• I used to think I had a brain but it was all in my head.
• On this day in 1975, Steven Spielberg released "Jaws," thus marking for the first time in Hollywood history even marquee actors were happy to boast about having "bit" parts.
• Had a great family OBX vacation marred only by one incident initiated when kids asked if they could bury me in sand. Sure, I said. I'm game. But when they had me completely immobilized, the little bastards stole my shoes & wallet. I should've known better. They weren't my kids.
• It’s not uncommon to hear people say people suck. Don't you believe it. Try this: Walk down the street and smile at every stranger. Most every stranger will reflexively smile right back. They don't suck. Soon there won't be any strangers left and everyone will be smiling.
• It boggles my mind that in '96 multi-millionaires Johnny Cash and Tom Petty collaborated on an album called "Unchained." Imagine the cover possibilities had they called the obvious: "Petty Cash.”
• Saw angry parents running after a boy they'd named Chase and screaming for him to come back, oblivious to the irony.
• Because of the noisy commotion associated with the happy event, I propose we change "orgasm" to ‘ROARgasm."
• People say my career is really taking off. They're right. It is. It's just that the damn runway is really, really long.
• Commentators keep pointing out how Aretha Franklin made President Obama cry during his inauguration. Big deal. I'll bet Trump does something twice a day that makes Obama cry.
• The literalist in me revels in the fact that the Great Plains state of Iowa has a senator named Grassley and yearns for the day when Wisconsin voters send to Washington their Senator Cheesey.
• Just enjoyed afternoon at @WestmdCountyPA Fair. The highlight? As always, walking through the rabbit exhibit singing, "Cannn ... any bunny ... find me ... some bunny to love? Some bunny! Some bunny! Find me some bunny to love!"
• If a handwriting expert said analysis of your signature indicated it was likely that you're an obnoxious asshole, would you vow to become a better person or simply begin altering your signature?
• He’s such a fuddy-duddy I'm not sure it would even help, but if I were advising the VP, I'd tell him to hold a press conference and say, "It's time for me to come clean. My name isn't Mike Pence. It's Mike Pants!” Like “Mike pants when Mother bends over in the garden.”
• One of the great oddities of the human existence is that many otherwise mature adults will answer in the affirmative when asked, "Do you want to see something disgusting?”
• Paleontologists dedicate themselves to working with dinosaur bones. Paleontologist is a difficult word to spell. Does anyone suppose paleontologists would object if we all started calling them boners?
• Some words have too many meanings. Like volume (a collection, bulk, strength); or record (recall, an album, etc.) & I'm not touching cock.
• I’m intent on volunteering for the Peace Corps in the hopes they’ll assign me to do hydro-electric work in third-world countries so one day I can say with concrete justification I once really gave a dam.
• Not saying local volunteer fire fighters join for purely social aspects, but it is suspicious the town whore house catches fire every Friday at 8 p.m.
• Ants eat sticks, dirt, decomposing bodies and even poop. My question: Which of their six arms do they use to comfort themselves when they get a tummy ache?
• I thought about taking my watch apart to count all the pieces, but just don't have the time to kill.
• My way to really stick it to the publishing industry. I'm calling my next work, "The Big Hands-On Book of Glues & Other Adhesives," so every review will have to include the words, "Could Not Put it Down!”
• I hope I never need the info, but because you just never know: what do you yell when you see a tall duck about to hit his head on a low branch and how badly confused would the hapless fowl be if you yelled, “Duck!"
• Dreamt I was involved in an immoral activity with a prominent female. Her lawyers offered a large sum of money to avoid a scandal. Dream me refused. Dream me has more character than wide-awake me.
• It’s difficult to believe, but there will come a day when the name Trump will not appear in any headline anywhere. It may be Tuesday and it may be because the world is destroyed, but it will happen. What can I say? I'm an optimist!
• I enjoy watching movies about people who would never dream of watching movies. I enjoy watching #CaptainFantastic
• On way to Greater Latrobe Senior High to address aspiring writers wondering how much time the kid I used to be would spend mocking the man he's bound to become.
• Watching far right conservatives argue with far left liberals about the direction of the country is like watching the Old Testament argue with the New Testament about the direction of the Bible.
• I wouldn't want to be involved in anything that would cause pain in others or certainly myself but I'd just once like to be part of a brave mission where our leader said, "Gentlemen, we now must synchronize our watches." I wonder if bowlers ever synchronize their watches.
• It’s unfathomable to imagine how much better off the world would be if every time we felt moved by a good intention we acted on it.
• The ones who profess to know all the answers are usually the same ones who never bother to ask any of the questions.
• The difference between my friends from church and my friends from the bar is my friends from church say they're sinners and they're really nice people and my friends from bars say they're sinners and brag about it.
• Because fickle publishing industry insists it is looking for timeless books, my next novel is going to be about a broken clock.
• On most days, happiness and sadness are not emotions. They're decisions. Now, being an asshole, that's different. It's a pre-existing condition.
• I admire vegans, but the chances of me giving up meat are about the same as me resuming my virginity.
• Would you find the Bible more or less compelling if back in Biblical times rudimentary selfie technology had existed? Imagine some of Noah's selfies.
• On this day in 1969, Fantasy Records released the Creedence Clearwater Revival song "Proud Mary." She's been rollin' on the river ever since. This leads me to believe not only was Mary proud, she was also quite buoyant.
• I’d like to have been a fly on the wall to hear what His high school guidance counselor said when the teenage Jesus told him God said He was going to be the Savior.
• In striving to be all inclusive and non-confrontational during the War on Christmas I will henceforth wish people a Happy ALLidays. I want people of ALL beliefs to enjoy ALL holidays. Happy ALLidays!
• When Satan really gives someone hell does it torment the soul or is it just considered a standard real estate deal?
• The difference between being grounded and being buried is grave.
• The '17 death of Nana always hits particularly hard this time of year. Her death means I can no longer startle the kids by running into the room and somberly announcing, "I hate to be the one to tell you this … but I have terrible news. Grandma (sniff) got run over by a reindeer!”
• I wholeheartedly endorse the liberal agenda of all my sisters/brothers/others in the LBGQT community, but if they absorb one more offbeat sexual orientation category into their movement their acronym is going to need an acronym.
• A single Faberge egg may be worth up to $33 million. Greedy collectors crave just one of the 43 known to survive. Not me. Couldn't care less. What do I covet? One Faberge chicken!
• Once again, I envision a gala Vegas lounge act composed of tiny sideburned toymakers singing "Heartbreak Hotel,” “Don’t Be Cruel,” etc. "Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Elves Presley!”
• Q: What does it mean when you hear, "Hoot! Hoot!" coming from a nearby tree this time of year?
A: Owl be home for Christmas.
• Recalling that The Beatles are from Liverpool is charming. Realizing the origins of the town name must involve an Olde English slaughterhouse and a pool of livers not so much.
• I’d like to get a job at Tomorrowland in Disney to see just how far they'll let me push the whole procrastination angle.
• When Jesus preached we need to stop hating everyone everywhere He wasn't including Tom Brady and Bill Belichick, was He? No way, right?
• People say I repeat myself when I'm drunk. People say I repeat myself when I'm drunk.
• I wonder if the chariots from ancient Roman times had drink holders. Or maybe the'd yet to invent the sized lid/straw combo ...
• Just saw "Bohemian Rhapsody." My thoughts: If all the popcorn spilled at all the theaters every day in America were gathered and distributed to starving people around the world then starving people around the world would get mighty sick of popcorn.
• The greatest public misnomer involves announcers addressing crowds at things like NFL games as "Ladies and gentlemen." At any game of about 60,000 fans, there are probably no more than 120 ladies and 50 true gents. If they cared at all about accuracy, they'd say, "Welcome bitches, dudes and garden variety blowhards!"
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