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Saturday, August 1, 2015

What good is Twitter? Dunno. But here're my monthly best!


After quarterly reports disappointed, Twitter CFO Anthony Noto said a nimble explanation of what Twitter does or why anyone needs it remains elusive. I’ve tweeted 4,685 times and I have no idea either. Still, I enjoy twitter and the platform eliminates the need for me to write all this stuff on some dingy bathroom wall, the otherwise logical destination for these sort of things.

You’re welcome to follow me @8days2Amish or you can just keep checking out the blog. I’ll make sure you won’t miss any of the good stuff.  


• The preamble to the Constitution for Concord grapes begins, "We the purple . . ." 

• Rejection & humiliation are challenges we can use to either defeat or fuel us. If true, I have enough fuel to drive my Saturn to Pluto.

• That which does not kill me usually leaves me with one whopper of a hangover.

• Another problem of mine is anytime I get a real train of thought really rolling the conductor always behaves like he’s shitfaced.

• Given trends against public transportation and for finger pointing, at any given time more people are likely to be under the bus than on it.

• Report says eye strain resulting from staring at devices at an all-time high. It's an appademic.

• Ham radios will be more popular when ham radios are made from ham.

• Many good people in church praying God will change world & bound to spend week ignoring all their god-given abilities to change the world.

• The inertia of summer laziness means my entire ambition this week is focused solely on finding a sensible reason to use "kowtow" in a lead.

• I wish I had friend who spoke just like Arby's commercial guy & I wish he used same enthusiasm & inflection to call about golf.

• I wonder how the world would be different if Noah'd had a fly swatter. 

• When you break it down, padlock is a pretty groovy name for an item that can be used to lock your pad.

• Given trajectory of men's grooming standards I fully expect to within 2 years see ads advising me how to get a really close shave on my pits

#hashtag, you're it!

• There are still many pockets of America where "Do you think rasslin's fake?" is considered a sophisticated pick-up line.

• If they were made today, each of the comedy shorts would have disclaimer, "No Stooges were hurt in the making of this film." 

• Romantic trees can never be accused of being "too sappy.”

• Fighting an alien impulse to vanquish boredom by announcing I'm the father of Bristol's new baby.

• I have to think giraffe parents take it far more seriously than human counterparts when they catch giraffe teenagers necking.

• Little noticed reg in ObamaCare requires docs mimic Billy Joel when they inform patients they've just had a heart attack-ack-ack-ack.

• Shakespeare succeeded without the services of a press agent. Go ahead and check the history books. There's no such thing as Bard publicity.

• Try and do at least one thing this week that will blow your hair back and allow you to say, “Wheeeeeeee!!!"

• I’m glad the people in medical world allow the rest of us to call what they know is the umbilicus our belly buttons.

• Stephen Hawking to spend $100 million to find alien life. Trump to spend that much keeping it from crossing our Southern border. 

• She’s been cagey about not criticizing him. I think a certain former Alaska guv is preparing Trump/Palin '16 bumper stickers

• What umbrella alterations will be necessary in the next Sharknado?

• ”London Bridges Falling Down" is a popular nursery rhyme. London britches falling down is a sartorial scandal of epic proportions.

• NASA 8.8 billion planet discovery means the phrase “men are from Mars/women from Venus” may one day be less metaphorical.

• Because I believe in the well-being of my fellow man, I'll no longer say, "Have a nice day!" From now on, it's "Duck when you hear gunfire!”

• If I've learned anything from watching TV today, it's to never taunt Moe when he has a board glued to his hands.

• What would the repercussions for humanity be if aliens landed and said "Take me to your leader," and the greeter took them to Trump?”

• People always say, "Ah, kids grow up so fast." Not all of of 'em. I'm 52 and it still hasn't happened to me.

• Can’t prove it, but I'll wager Superman was the first person to ever say, "I see London, I see France …"

• I tend to judge all illegal immigrants by how their being here will improve my culinary options so I'm fine with Mexicans. 

• Friends say when I'm drunk I tend to repeat myself. Friends say when I'm drunk I tend to repeat myself.

• Does anyone know how disable the app that causes my phone to ring in another room 90 seconds after my butt hits the toilet seat?

• We live in a time when never before have so many unhappy people had the ability to appear joyously otherwise. Thank you, Facebook!

• NASA deserves ridicule for saying there are 8.8 billion Earth-like planets. Wrong! None of them have Trump!

• Infuriates me knowing I could get into a you-think-you're-better-than-me contest with Ashton Kutcher and he'd win.

• I dreamt I called Lynne Cheney a bitch last night. Now, I'm afraid if I go to sleep, Dick Cheney is going to waterboard dream me.

• Reading Atticus hates blacks would have same effect as seeing "new" “Lone Ranger” episode where Masked Man says Silver sucks.

• Harper Lee a victim of Murdoch's elder abuse. And here I thought publishing industry only treated nobodies like me with such cruel disdain.

• I wonder what goes through the dog's mind when he sees me alone in a quiet room frantically looking for the remote.

• J. Geils is no longer in the J. Geils Band and through 27 members there's never been anyone named Marshall or Tucker in Marshall Tucker Band.

• When I promised I'd no longer write about politics, I had no idea Donald Trump was going to be the leading GOP candidate. 

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