Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Sentimental recollections of our home's 10-year anniversary


Ten years ago today there was an inch of ice glazing about a foot of snow, crunchy conditions the kids loved and I feared. I was concerned I’d slip on the ice and pulverize a liquor box of plates or heirloom sippy cups.

You might wonder just how I remember the conditions so clearly.

Ten years ago today was moving day.

After 15 years of living in a cozy little “starter” house — paid it off in 12 — our new baby meant we needed bigger digs. We weighed our options. Untethered occupationally, we could move our family any where we wanted.

New York was an option. I had recently been offered a senior editor position with Glamour magazine. It was very odd because the job description included three words — senior/editor/glamour — I never dreamed would apply to me.

I declined.

With the whole world at our feet, we found a place 1.1 miles away up the hill. We love Latrobe (Baggaley Elementary in particular)  and had no intention of straying.

Val found a little split level up in the woods. It had two acres and a roaring creek out back that even today always makes me wish I was 8 again. She asked me to take a look.

The homeowners were selling it themselves. The wife met me at the door and took me down to the basement to introduce me to her husband. He was sitting at a bar watching college football. There was a fire in the fireplace that equaled in warmth his friendly greeting. He asked if I liked beer.

I told him I did.

Two hours later, I hadn’t seen any more of the house and had momentarily forgotten the reason I was there.

Oh, yeah … 

We’ll take it!

I make a big deal out of the anniversaries and birthdays involving inanimate objects.

I started doing when the guy who installed our hot water heater wrote “3-3-11” on the front where I can see it every time I stroll past. Our water heater is a Pisces.

Tonight, I’ll bring out a cake and we’ll sing Happy Birthday to the house. And I’ll ask its occupants to list three things they’ll most remember about the house from the past 10 years, a sensible request they’ll viciously mock then ignore.

It’s a pity. It’d be a great tribute to a place so full of fun and happiness the girls express reluctance to go out on the weekends.

So I’ll share with you my list, but because I love the place so much and it’s my blog my list’ll be closer to three dozen.

I’ll remember sitting by the fire with family in winter, on the porch in summer and reading baby books in bed with the little cuddlers.

I’ll remember the times there were mice in the pantry, stinkbugs on the ceilings and bears in the trees. I’ll remember the cutthroat pingpong matches in the garage, the chaotic renovations and the night Val and I stayed up ’til 3 a.m. when we got instantly hooked on “Breaking Bad.”

I’ll forever treasure the crooked Sharpie lines on the basement door jamb that mark the growth spurts of the birthday girls. I’ll remember the hammock, the trampoline and the day I nearly fell out of the big oak when I was putting up the tire swing. I’ll remember waiting for the school bus and giggly dinner conversation around the cramped kitchen table. I’ll remember stringing popcorn for the Christmas trees, hiding Easter eggs, and the joyful Thanksgiving dinners where my thankfulness came from deep in my heart. I’ll remember the serene sound of Mommy practicing church hymns on the basement organ so she'd be flawless again for the Sunday services.

I’ll remember the sound the crib made when the girls started to rattle awake, all the music we played, and the movies we watched. I have happy memories of explaining baseball to the girls. I’ll remember the night the 140-foot poplar came crashing down and just missed taking out the living room.

The ’10 snowfall that was so massive it marooned us for nearly a week is something I won’t forget. I’ll remember a thousand little games and jokes we played on one another and years from now they’ll make me smile in traffic at the surprise recollection.

Houses are like hookers in that they don’t become yours simply because you pay for them.

These things take time. Given enough of it, combined with ample love and laughter, and the most humble home can become a memory mansion.

I’ll be 54 next week, an age when it’s fair to speculate where I’ll be when I croak. Will it be inside this house? 

I have no idea.

But I’m glad that 10 years ago today Val and I took steps that’ll ensure everyone will know where I truly lived.




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Monday, February 6, 2017

Scattered Super Bowl weekend thoughts

I’m feeling so conflicted this morning about the Super Bowl I’m going to use the words of surrogates instead.

On the bright side, my buddy Paul, a fellow Boston-hater, said, “If it makes you feel a little better, those most devastated tonight were cheering Sid Bream heroics 16 years ago.”

He’s referring to the Atlanta Braves 1992 victory over the Pittsburgh Pirates in Game 7 of the NLCS. The Bucs were one out away from the World Series when gimpy-legged Bream — a former Pirate — slid home to win the game. It was the most cruel loss of my life.

So, he’s right. It soothes my soul knowing many of those Braves fans are today feeling as distraught as we were.

On the other hand, I think KDKA radio host John McIntire summed it up most perfectly when he posted on Facebook, “Jesus, the forces of evil are on a roll.”

Scattered thoughts:

• The Patriots were awarded the Super Bowl, but Melissa McCarthy won the weekend. Her scathing SNL parody of press secretary Sean Spicer was as funny as anything I’ve ever seen. And her Super Bowl Kia ad was good, too. But if they don’t do a Spicer bit once a week I’m going to feel sad. She was great, too, with Bill Murray in "St. Vincent."

• I kept wondering if Aaron Hernandez got to see the game. He’s the serial killer Patriot fans used to revere. He’s now serving life in prison for one murder, is one trial for another and is a suspect in two more. Say, what you want, but Tom Brady only deflated footballs.

• That’s exactly the kind of snark I wish I could overcome. Brady is the greatest QB ever; Bill Belichick, greatest coach; and, gulp, Patriots the greatest NFL dynasty. I guess I always have the feeling that when they win, they’ve somehow cheated. We just don’t yet know how. And numerous times I’ve seen Brady act what I once thought was uncharacteristically surly to opponents (and even teammates). Who does he think he is? Tom Brady?

• If I can separate myself from my disdain for the winner — I’m trying — I can acknowledge it was all highly entertaining. Great game. And a fantastic halftime show.

• Slow-mo replays of the Julian Edelman catch were mesmerizing and will be replayed long into the future. But it was only the second greatest catch of the day. If Lady Gaga fumbles that walk-off pass, it’s all anyone would remember.

• I wouldn’t be surprised to learn it was Brady who threw the Gaga bullseye.

• I liked the Budweiser immigrant ad, the Malkovich one, sloppy Bradshaw, Skittles, AirBnB, but I guarantee you I could have improved them all with the oldest trick in commercial history: just add monkey.

• I declined generous offers to attend two Super Bowl parties, preferring to watch the game in a place where I can be assured of being able to watch the game. I enjoy watching the game with my family. Usually. There’s always one moment when I feel like running out of the house to watch in any nearby bar. Happened in the 2nd quarter when the girls were enthusiastically decorating the 5th grader’s festive Valentine’s Day card box and Nana (84, dementia) kept asking every four minutes for the girls to explain again what they were making.

• Reveling in all the Patriots showering Roger Goodell with boos at the trophy presentation almost made me glad the Patriots won. Almost.

• Think today out to be a national holiday? I encourage you to read this ’13 story about how I argue Super Bowl loser fans should be forced to work for winning counterparts. It’s an idea whose time has come.


• There. Now, I can contend I worked today while much of America took the day off to nurse their hangovers and loaf the day away. For one day, at least, America, you’re me!

Friday, February 3, 2017

The day Trump flew me to LA to promote Australia


So we have a president who wants me to love Tom Brady and hate Australia? Sorry, but I cannot do either.

I love Australia! And it’s all thanks to Donald Trump (and Australian supermodel Elle MacPherson).

Trump shocked the diplomatic world this week — again — by attacking Aussie prime minister Malcolm Turnbull. He rudely dumped all over Turnbull and the land down under.

It runs contrary to what Trump, in effect, told me in 2008 when he flew me out to Los Angeles to golf at Trump National for a day celebrating all things Australian.

Let the surreality of that sentence sink in for a second.

In hindsight, it seems like a dream to me, too. 

I remember getting an urgent phone call from a Manhattan public relations executive who called to gauge my interest in flying to Los Angeles to golf the ballyhooed $264 million Trump course and spend the day learning about Australian tourism. 

He said, too, I’d be in a foursome with Aussie pro Mathew Goggins.

He asked if I was busy.

I told him I’d not been busy for about four consecutive years. I was being honest because I didn’t want him to think having me there would lead to an avalanche of free publicity. I knew it would have been a difficult story to sell and said so. In fact, this is probably the first time I’ve ever even written a word about it.

I’m convinced he was being pressured to make it appear media heavy hitters would attend to satisfy higher ups insistent on flash. My credentials — bylines in many major publications (including Golf Magazine) — could persuade publicity seeking organizers I was legit.

Was I vetted by Trump?

It’s possible. But it wasn’t extreme vetting, extreme meaning no one bothered to verify my worthiness with Val.

Thank God.

Did I have any questions?

One: Will Elle Macpherson be there?

“Doubtful, but about two dozen girls who look like Elle Macpherson will be.”

Done.

Macpherson’s rise coincided with that of my hormones. I always had a thing for her. She’s 52 today and still fantastic. I recently learned Billy Joel wrote the beautiful “And So It Goes” about the end of their torrid romance when he was 34, she 19.

I’d fly from Pittsburgh to Detroit to L.A., and spend the night in Long Beach. The next day I’d be chauffeured to the course where I’d spend the day golfing before being whisked back to the airport.

I was surprised to arrive and learn the guy wasn’t jagging me. The host introduced me to the 200 other golfers at the formal breakfast like I was a big deal and I got to play a round with Sydney native Mathew Goggins and two other Aussie blokes.

Trump wasn’t there. Had we met, who knows how my opinion of him today would differ? We may have hit it off. Heck, it might be me not Betsy DeVos vying to be Secretary of Education.

It was the only round I’ve ever played with a PGA Tour winner and Goggins couldn’t have been friendlier. He was funny, courteous, helpful and eager to share his insights about being one of the 125 best golfers on the planet.

The blokes? They were loud, profane, boisterous and prone to unleashing loud farts in my backswing.

So we really hit it off.

I mean it. It was a really special day. 

And every tee had some pair of fresh Australian lovelies plying us with meat pies, Fosters beer, wine or some other antipodean staple.

Every one assured me if I ever came to visit, I’d have a grand time.

It never dawned on me ’til this week, but maybe the experience means I’d make a good U.S. ambassador to Australia.

I have friendly connections, excel at drunken schmoozing and made it this far in the blog without referencing “Crocodile Dundee” or the awful “shrimp on the barbie” cliche

And I’ve been vetted.

I’m practically in the clear.

Just as long as no one bothers to vet me with Val. 



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Thursday, February 2, 2017

Washing my hands of blog requests


I’m thinking of asking Buck to install one of those medical scrub sinks up here on the Tin Lizzy’s third floor to bestow my blog composition with some gravity.

I always love watching M*A*S*H doctors at the 4077th scrubbing up before they head into another 14-hour session of meatball surgery. They appear so confident, so assured what they’re doing really matters.

Blogging is to writing what meatball surgery is to medicine.

It’s gritty, mistakes happen and it’s bound to leave a scar.

Unfortunately, most of those scars wind up on my darling wife who I’m sure reads the blog and wishes I’d instead devote the time to something — anything — that pays even minimum wage. 

I’m thinking of this today because last night a reader/friend asked me to perform a sort of operation.

Two of her loved ones are in need of urgent care. That both are of precious ages  only adds cruel poignancy to her family plight.

Could I, she asked, write something uplifting today? Something that’ll give her some momentary hope in the midst of so much painful uncertainty.

Sorry, but nope. Can’t do it.

I wish I could. Honest. I wish I could write something that inspires faith, cheer and instantly transforms her situation.

This happens once in a while and I know I always let down a core reader when I refuse to turn jukebox.

I just don’t take requests. I’m too innately contrarian.

Ask me to write something funny and I’ll say, “Funny? What’s funny? Haven’t you been reading the fake news? How can anybody even attempt to be funny in a world so rife with injustice, deprivation and the understanding the Patriots could win another Super Bowl.”

Ask me to write something about the sorry shape the world’s in and I’ll respond, “Don’t be such a Gloomy Gus! Things aren’t that bad. Gas prices remain stable, “La La Land” is nominated for 12 Oscars and you can bet the geniuses at Apple are feverishly working to make your 6-month-old iPhone seem uselessly quaint.”
Know my favorite type of blog to write?

The easy kind.

I try not to be controversial, but if I wake up with a controversial idea that seems easy to write, then controversy rules.

Many readers tell me they like my light-hearted approach to the news, but if something that seems cerebral seems easy I try to turn channel Einstein.

So the topic and reaction are secondary to degree of difficulty with easy being key.

Can you imagine the pressure real doctors or clergy feel when someone distraught asks them for hopeful solace?

How do they deal with it? I mean how do the sober ones deal with it?

What do you say when a struggling friend asks you to give them reason to hope?

Do you say you’ll pray? A lot of people really believe that works. I have my doubts, but I pray I’m wrong.

I think one of my most hopeful lines I’ve ever written — it’s one I use in all my talks — is No. 498 from “Use All The Crayons!”

“Enjoy being human and enjoy human beings.”

It’s so simple, yet so elusive. It means in essence to embrace life and all its flaws.

These days we’re all too hard on ourselves and one another. Everyone’s looking to fight. We forget how precious life is and go through our days in one long mope.

I can’t help my friend, but maybe I can help someone struggling stranger.

It’s why I try and extend the benefit of doubt to antagonists knowing they may be feeling some hidden stress over a job, a failing marriage or the sickness of an innocent.

Encourage when you can, pray when you’re asked and cheer if you’re able.

It’s really kind of easy.

And easy does it.



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Wednesday, February 1, 2017

How to open a slammed door: Anatomy of a literary rejection reversal


Realizing how I used to dream I’d one day become a great writer reveals what a young fool I used to be. Today, many people who enjoy my books or blog tell me I am, indeed, a great writer.

I should have dreamed I’d become a successful writer.

Then I wouldn’t have had to spend an afternoon finessing an agent into considering representing me and my books.

2017 marks the first big push I’ve made in seeking a literary agent in, gee, about five years. I wouldn’t say there’s been a sea change in interest, but agents who used to just blow me off are now granting thoughtful consideration.

With two credible books, a robust blog readership and a verifiable ability to engage live audiences, I guess I’m more marketable.

But I still encounter blunt resistance like the verbatim exchange that follows.

I’ve sold 4,000 copies of “Use All The Crayons!” either by myself or through supportive retailers. Industry people say that’s the kind of number that ought to attract the attention of a mainstream publisher. 

Makes sense to me.

But not to this agent. She ridicules my apparent naivete.

Read on to see how it resolves. This is her response to my initial pitch, which touts sales numbers and how supportive Barnes & Noble nationwide’s been of my book.

• Chris, A publisher isn’t going to be interested in a self-published book that’s still available for sale on Amazon AND Barnes & Noble.  Where would this new publisher sell copies—really, what’s left? This makes no sense to me.”

Rather brusque, if not downright rude. It’s contrary to most of what I’ve heard, but she’s well-respected and I blog about things like the toilet bowl night lite from above a bar so what do I know? My first instinct is to respond with reciprocal rudeness. But I’ve outgrown that. Instead I seek insight.


• Now I'm confused. I've been told publishers are eager to snap up self-published books that have a proven track record of sales to a mass audience. Have I been mislead? Should I stop trying to sell my books? I'd really appreciate any insights you could share. The book is beloved, I have a platform, am a dynamic public speaker and have a four-year backlog of material that would lend itself to obvious follow ups.

I sent this noting to myself how surprised I’ll be if she even bothers to respond. But respond she does.


• Yes, I think you were grossly mislead. The popularity of a self-published book sometimes causes publishers to want to do a commercial release, but popularity is not 4,000 copies. It’s really good for a self-published effort, so congratulations on that. But you have a huge problem here: you are proposing to “sell against yourself” unless you can remove every single copy, used and new, from circulation and get the book removed from inventory everywhere. Do you have that kind of money? Publishers are not interested in something that is currently available through the biggest channels. What’s the point? Sorry, I can’t see any way out of this.

Now, she’s probably sitting in Manhattan thinking after this shut-down it’ll be a surprise if I respond. But respond I do.


• It'd all be very disheartening, Ginger, if the very essence of the book is to never be disheartened. Any wiggle room on the fact I could from my humor blog put together a complete follow-up in days? I've been invited to do humorous talks based on the book and been paid $2,500 for the keynote on top of the pre-paid purchase of 250 books. There’s such an appetite for the humor with heart message I've crafted. And I'll pester you no more after this unless you see a mutually beneficial reason. You've already been more than generous with your time.

I think the key here was the first line vow about how I cannot be discouraged. Who doesn’t want to work with a guy like that? Plus, I’m starting to sense she’s intrigued. I do a nifty bit of boasting and then give her an opportunity to bail. She declines and responds with her first positive offer. She wants to represent me.

• Chris, you have great leverage with your history of sales with the first book. Here’s what I propose: Since you own the rights to your material and you have a lot of new material, why not do a fresh follow-up? Maybe something like “Use Even More Crayons!” I would need a complete proposal, though, since you are starting from scratch with commercial publishers.

Hers is a very welcome and forward-thinking suggestion, one I’ve already been mulling. We’ve achieved a virtual handshake agreement. My response seals the deal and becomes suddenly audacious. I want a fellow agent of hers to take “Last Baby Boomer,” too. 

• That's a capital idea, Ginger, something I've been mulling. With your encouragement, I believe I can have something worthy of your consideration by probably April 1. Can I send you a copy of the current book so you'll have a better understanding of its appeals? Also, while I have your attention, perhaps you'll affirm if it'd be a good idea to send the first 50 pages of my satiric novel to your Ohio confederate. It's "The Last Baby Boomer: The Story of the Ultimate Ghoul Pool." Here's the premise:

In the year 2076, the sprawling Baby Boom generation will be down to one sole survivor, 112-year-old Martin J. McCrae. The distinction earns the chatty McCrae a luxury suite at a NYC museum where contestants pay $25 each to spend 15 minutes with him as part of the ultimate ghoul pool. If they're in the room when he expires, they win the $1.2 billion jackpot. 

Everyone is praying McCrae will die for them, but the ghoul pool is the answer to his prayers. It’s given the old man what he’s always craved. It’s given him an audience, one he’s unwilling to relinquish.

It's a ‘round-the-clock global reality show where no one wins until death does.

Because everyone has to die.

But only one of us gets to die last.

This was self-published last year. Sold about 250 copies on my own. Reactions to it leave me euphoric. Readers say it's hilarious. That was my intention.

Either way, I'll begin compiling a new "Use Even More Crayons!" and thank you for your thoughtful bursts of attention these last two days.

Her response: 

• Jim wouldn’t like this, I don’t think. I like the premise, though, so I’ll take a look. I’m personally expanding my fiction list and I like quirkier things than Jim. Please make sure before I’d take it to anyone that every copy has been removed from every possible sales venue. You can send the books to …

Does any of this portend I’ll soon be a successful writer?

Hell, no.

All it means is I’m getting better at getting rejected.




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