"Oh, the weather outside is frightful ..."

(622 words)

I wonder if dogs would be less cheerful if they could understand things like weekend weather forecasts.

I know I spend an inordinate amount of time monitoring what the gurus say it’s going to do. Lots of people do, especially now that we carry tiny forecasters right in our pockets.

And I’m talking about our smart phone weather apps, not miniature weather men and women, which would be cool, but probably ticklish when they’d start waving their little arms around to signify unsettled weather patterns over Tornado Alley.

I know a lot of people in western Pennsylvania this week are feeling morose over the dreary forecast. The experts say it’s going to be a lousy weekend. The Sunday high is predicted to be 52, the low 36, and the telltale graphic is a snow flake.

Snow. On May 15th!

Outdoor recreations will be canceled, necessary yard work be put off, DIY projects stalled. It’s going to ruin a lot of weekends.

It won’t ruin mine.

I’m one of those guys who doesn’t care if the weather’s going to be influenced by High or Low Pressure.

No, I’m always on the lookout for the most delightful of all weather patterns: The No Pressure System.

And that’s exactly what we have this weekend at our home.

I’ll be unable to — hallelujah — do any loathsome yard work. The porch won’t get painted. Unruly branches will go unpruned. Not a single dandelion need fear a manly yanking.

Plus, and this is becoming incredibly rare, but we have nothing scheduled. No visitors. No parties. No activities. No worldly contact. 

It’s likely I’ll go 48 hours before even thinking about reaching for deodorant.

It’s like the situation has sentenced me to sort of solitary confinement with my three favorite cellmates.

Summer is put off for at least one more week.

I contend until every insect respects my 5-foot cone of privacy, summer will always be over-rated.

I hate the bugs. I hate the heat. I hate that the sun is out until 9:52 p.m. encouraging the kids to stay out exploding fire crackers in the driveway when I’d like to be in on my recliner sipping bourbon and watching something profane, violent and with full frontal nudity.

I think my disdain for summer has risen in direct proportion to the size of our TV screens; I liked summer a lot more when our TVs were all crappy.

For thematic consistency, we’ll likely watch “Frozen” for the 789th time. Guaranteed, we’ll be giving the TV a workout this weekend.

The fireplace, too.

Yes, we’re going to have a fire in the middle of May.

It’s going to take some persuasion. Val thinks looks at the calendar and thinks its crazy to have a fire. I consult a different gauge: The thermostat.

Nothing says cozy like a fireplace.

I love fireplaces.

I love fire.

I love writing, sure, but if I could find a legal way to make arson pay, I’d have to order a whole new stack of asbestos business cards.

And there will be soup. I love filling the house up with heady aroma of a really good broth on simmer since breakfast.

I guess I game plan like this, in part, because I realize how special weather-enforced togetherness can be.

Josie, 15, will have her driver’s license in September and Lucy, 9, is still so exuberantly precious I fear something’s got to give.

I’ve been blessed with the gift of appreciation. I hope you are, too. I’m able to realize how quickly family time like this can go away.

Our lives change like the weather and I like it anytime soulful contentment seems likely.

Lousy weekend?

It’s just not in my forecast.

Related …

Future town halls to determine weather

WeatherMan is my superhero

I nearly killed the weatherman golfing

When summer sucks

Our summer of aliens & Earth’s future

The yin/yang of my good/bad summer

(1,133 words)

School resumes for our daughters on Monday and — I don’t care what the calendar says — that means summer is officially over. So I guess it’s time to take stock of how we spent our days.

Me, I have an innate ability to see the good in everything while simultaneously recognizing the bad.

It is my blessing.

And, thus, it is also my curse.

Good: I had a lot of friends/family visit.

Bad: I had a lot of friends/family visit.

I love seeing old friends and family and spent many summer days golfing, sight-seeing or just loafing around laughing with people who mean the world to me. They were times I’ll always remember fondly. But I did very little productive work this summer. That gnaws at me. I wonder I’d be more successful if I were a crabby kind of guy no one would want to visit. But what fun would that be? And idle hours spent with people you love isn’t an expense. It’s an investment in happiness.

Good: We had some very long family drives in the car.

Bad: We had some very long family drives in the car.

A long drive in the car with kids, ages 13 and 8, is like being adrift at sea in a rubber raft, one that stops every 45 minutes for pee breaks and milk shakes. I see being in the car with my family as a real bonding opportunity. I carefully decide which songs or stations we listen to with the essential purpose of bestowing proper musical taste on my daughters. Sometimes I slyly turn the music up incrementally louder so the music will seep in more deeply. But I sometimes turn it up louder to drown out all the bitching that goes along with taking kids on long car drives. Parts of our summer drives were some of the best parts of our summer. And parts of our summer drives made me wish I was the kind of father who’d pour vodka in the kids’ drinks so they’d pass out for hours so Val and I could have some peace.

Good: It wasn’t too hot.

Bad: It wasn’t too hot.

It was cool, drizzly summer so I didn’t have to enrich the sun screen conglomerates too much. I really hate the heat but, geez, give me some sunshine.

Good: Val and I only saw one movie all summer.

Bad: Val and I only saw one movie all summer.

Val and I have always enjoyed going to movies together. But there was only one flick that seemed compelling enough to make us go. It was “Return of the Planet of the Apes.” We both enjoyed it, but agreed it would have been more fun for both of us if we could have had Dr. Jane Goodall seated between us. But didn’t this summer suck for movies? Say what you want about the stumbles of our bumbling auto makers, but no industry disappoints as reliably as the one based in Hollywood.

Good: I played more golf this summer.

Bad: I played more golf this summer.

This was the summer where I finally got back on track about taking golf more seriously. I love playing golf, but the more golf you play the more frustrating you realize it is to play golf. So the idea of playing golf wars with the sensible side of my brain. Golf is expensive and time consuming and very difficult to attain proficiency. I don’t care. I love playing golf and hope to be a pig about it with whatever remaining time the weather permits.

Good: I had my most lucrative and successful talks this summer.

Bad: I had my most lucrative and successful talks this summer.

There is no downside to being a paid motivational speaker. To sell 250 books up front and secure a nice speaker’s fee is a crowning achievement of my career. That happened twice this summer and led my confidence to soar. But it did the same for my hungers. I don’t have anything else booked and it’s driving me out of my mind. But it’s also motivating me. The great thing about my “career” now is you never know who’s going to call with some exciting offer. I just need to work to make sure these offers have an opportunity to flourish.

Good: I wrote some of my best blogs in June and July.

Bad: I wrote some of my best blogs in June and July.

It’s like all the people who read my blog went to the beach together in early summer without the electronic devices they need to read my blog. Readership was off in July, too, before a great August rebound. But what do I do with all those dandy summer posts no one seemed to read? I wish I was one of those disreputable bloggers who doesn’t care about posting on the sneak stuff that’s run before. I never do that without notice. And I never will.

Good: I was immersed in many great books this summer.

Bad: I can’t think of any counterpoint to this one. The older I get the more I wish I had more time to just read. And nap. 

Good: Our oldest daughter began growing up.

Bad: Our oldest daughter began growing up.

Josie will turn 14 next month, but this was the summer she really began exerting her independence. And for the first time ever she began telling me to buzz off. She was done with Daddy. Shows we used to watch together bored her. Games we used to play were all of sudden “too childish.” And she at times began behaving like a surly teenager. I guess I should have seen this coming when last September she became a teenager, but I was blindsided. It was like Mick telling Keith he didn’t want to be part of The Stones anymore. So I recovered by spending more quality time alone with darling Lucy, 8, and it’s been a real joy. We had so many happy times together, it only increased my determination to pioneer a controversial parenting technique that involves only loving the kid who’s being nicest to me. I call it conditional love.

Good: Summer went really fast.

Bad: Summer went really fast.

I love living in an area with four distinct seasons. I love the approach of each new season as much as I love saying farewell to the one it’s replacing. This summer was fun but, man, I’m glad it’s over. Bugs, humidity, screaming neighbors — “Endless Summer” to me isn’t a Beach Boys album. It’s my idea of hell.

So bring on fall! I eagerly await your crisp air, your autumnal colors and hours and hours of extra yard work.

I will love you right up until I don’t.

UnRelated  . . . The best of June/July!

Use rice if phone drops in toilet

Taking my BRF (Bitchy Resting Face) out for a walk

Fame & the night me & Bruce Willis rocked the red carpet

“Sing me a song, you’re the bartender!”

A back ’n’ forth on palindromes

On chicken fingers, breasts & tenders

The attempted suicide on Solomon Temple Road