Showing posts with label senior care. Show all posts
Showing posts with label senior care. Show all posts

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Moving Mom to Latrobe: the big picture


Some of you more astute readers may have discerned that over the last week the entire internet has seemed a bit more relevant, more cerebral, free of mind-deadening vapidity.

A surplus of thoughtful convention coverage?

Nope. I’ve been too busy to blog.

Busy doing what? I’ve been doing my part to increase Latrobe’s population from 8,081 to 8,082.

Note, I said busy, not biz-zay, the latter implying a growth that involves carnal couplings.

Not this time. No, the increase is due not to procreation, but relocation.

Latrobe, birthplace of Arnold Palmer, Fred Rogers, professional football and the first banana split is now home to my white-haired mother, Rachel Rodell.

I’ve spent the past week moving the widow Rodell, 83, from the South Hills condo where she lived since 1998 to the National Church Residences right downtown.

It’s a happy hybrid of assisted senior living and independence for a woman who’s becoming more and more cheerful as her memories dissipate.

The best part is she’ll be able to spend so many happy hours here with me, Val and the kids. She’s right now (above) enjoying a lovely day on the porch pretending to be reading the newspaper. Her comprehension is near zero.

I think they’re going to love her here. They do everywhere she’s ever been.

I took her to a church luncheon in Mt. Lebanon two weeks ago. I was crabby about the pending move and didn’t want to go. I selfishly thought I had better things to do

Boy, was I wrong.

All her wonderful old friends spent hours telling beloved Rachel stories from the old days. She laughed and laughed. She had a wonderful time. 

It’s just that two hours later she couldn’t remember a bit of it.

So now something she can’t remember is something I’ll never forget.

Knock on wood.

She doesn’t have memories, but she has lots and lots of pictures of memorable people, places and things she’s done. She must have 100 photo albums with nearly 50 pictures in each.

Smithsonian archivists researching Civil War exhibits have fewer assets than anyone interested in seeing what kinds of things me and my 4th grade pals liked to stick up our noses.

Efficient downsizing requires a cruel disdain for sentiment.

But wantonly tossing even one old photo album into a commercial dumpster feels like napalming a village of innocents, like setting fire to souls.

It’s what I plan on doing tonight. Val says I should keep each and every one. I understand, but there are just so many and just how many candid 20-year-old picnic shots does anyone need of divorcee in-laws I never liked to begin with?

Yesterday, my trusty buddy Mark and I U-Hauled away everything from the two bed/two bath condo. Everything but the pictures.

Mark shook his head in wonder. He looked like he’d rather be tasked with moving a a piano.

It’s way worse, too, with our digital generation.

Most of my Mom’s pictures are posed, formal, taken decades before even the narcissists could envision the advent of the selfie.

At one time each of those events was truly special. Few were those who were so lavish that they’d simply snap away potentially wasting actual film. The rolls were  carefully delivered to the Foto Hut for development and secured for special occasions when they’d be passed around and around. And you’d get scolded if you’d smudge one with a finger print.

I doubt Mom remembers any of that.

Her memories of bygone days have all gone by.

What kind of archive will I bequeath to my daughters? Will they delete or dump the photographic memories that to me are so precious I can feel each one of them filling my heart?

I shutter, er, shudder to think.


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Thursday, June 2, 2016

Demented Mom's sweetness making me crazy




Being the primary care giver for an elderly dementia patient is like walking on a windy day with a beloved balloon at the end of a long string.

It’s there, but it’s not.

You feel like you’re being responsible by holding onto the string, but if a gust carries the balloon off to heaven, do you really care?

We just had Mom, 83, spend two nights with us over the weekend and it was wonderful. She and the girls shared so many laughs. It was so wonderful, in fact, we’re talking about the logistical possibilities of having her move in. 

I wonder if I can take it for reasons that may surprise you.

See, Mom’s so sweet it makes me crazy.

With frequent tending, she’s still fine living alone in her South Hills condo where she’s happiest.

And she’s very happy. Really happy.

I mention her dementia in my “Crayons!” presentations and someone always comes up afterwards to share their experience. Happened again two weeks ago.

“Does she have the nice dementia or the mean one?”

Oh, I said, it’s the nice one. She makes Fred Rogers seem like a sourpuss.

“You’re lucky. My grandmother had the mean one and we all wanted to kill her.”

Yes, I’m very lucky. First of all, because she is my Mom. I credit her with bestowing me with my humor and sense of wonder about life. I have no residual taint from poor parenting. I believe I’m well-adjusted and that’s mostly thanks to her.

Sure, I’m always broke, but I can blame my fun-loving Dad for that so it’s cool.

But Mom was a marvel. People her whole life have always loved her. Still do.
I think it’s because she had was genuinely funny all the time and wickedly sarcastic some of the time.

Now, the wit is gone and all that remains is the kind of sweetness so overpowering I suspect it could cause cancer in lab rats. 

Being with her for an hour is like watching a “Little House on the Prairie” marathon speeded up.

She says without any seasonal context that she believes in Santa. Then she’ll say it again. Her memory is shot and the only thing she remembers is to reflexively announce every 10 minutes how beautiful everything is.

So, clearly, creeping dementia’s not only killing her, it’s killing me. Because it’s looking increasingly like the only thing she’s bequeathing to me is her sarcasm.

Being around her for more than an hour unleashes my inner smart ass.

It’s how in July I’ll be taking the family to Minneapolis to see me accept a national award for Acme Lumber Salesman of the Year.

See, I got tired of explaining to her I’m a writer. It’s too complicated for her simple mind.

So I told her some months ago I took a job at the local hardware store. It’s respectable, easy to grasp, something concrete — and we sell concrete on aisle 6.

I’d tell Val the same thing for the same reason, but I’d hate to see her cry when I had to admit it’s all pretend.

Mom likes the idea of me working at the hardware store. She’s always asking me about it.

And it wouldn’t do for a glory hound like me to be just a regular shmoe. No, I have to be the best (I’ve been employee of the month for six straight months).

That’s why I told her about the big award. I thought it’d be fun brag about national recognition.

It is.

She’s really proud of me. 

Of course, stories like that are mostly benign.

It’s the story of the angry barber that upsets Lucy.

She’ll be 10 in two weeks — and I love telling her it’ll now take her twice as long to write her age down.

She adores Nana and hates it when I’m sarcastic.

She doesn’t want me to talk about the angry barber anymore. He’ll go down in family Christmas lore.

It was lunchtime on Christmas Day. Mom was here. The joyful morning festivities had concluded. I’d showered and was helping set the table.

Mom said, “Oh, your hair looks so nice,” (I told you she’s demented). “Did you just get it cut?”

I rolled my eyes and said, “Yes, Mom, I went and got a haircut on Christmas morning.”

“Your barber’s open today?”

I told her he hates his family and can’t stand being around them even on Christmas Day.

It would have been forgotten had I not mentioned at a wholly inappropriate manner — right during the Christmas dinner prayer. 

Heads all bowed, I said, “Thank you, dear Lord, for the feast we’re about to enjoy. Bless those who are here at this table, bless our loved ones who are scattered around the country or with you in heaven. And, please, Lord, bring peace to this sorry world so that next year my angry barber will be able to enjoy Christmas at home instead of at his barber shop.”

Josie snorted hysterically. She thinks it was one of the funniest things I’ve ever said. She thinks this because it’s both sarcastic and sacrilegious — a Christmas prayer two-fer!

I still bring it up because it makes her laugh. But I can’t do it around Lucy because it makes her mad.

“You shouldn’t be so mean to Nana,” she says.

She’s right.

I may not be a nice person, but I’m proud to be raising one.

I hope she’s one day as patient with me as she wishes I were with her beloved grandmother.

Because besides her mind, she’s otherwise robust. I wonder if she’ll live to 97, as did her father.

That means I’ll be 67 when my days of caring for Mom conclude.

I fear one day her creeping dementia will turn cruel. That the woman I so love and admire for so much will become an unrecognizable ogre that’ll leave a durable scar on a memory that even now is so precious.

My fear isn’t that if I let go of the string the balloon will float away.

My fear is it won’t.


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Wednesday, March 9, 2016

My laptop is dying; Mom not so much


I was watching some forgettable motivational speaker talking on TV about the death of his mother and I was watching because I aspire to be on TV talking about anything. Gotta be some scratch in that.
He said his 83-year-old mother had been clinging to life a long, long time and he thought she’d never die.
“I went to her bedside and said, ‘Mom, I love you. Your job is done here. It’s okay to let go.’ She took three deep breaths and then she died. I think she just needed to hear it was okay to pass on.”
I heard that and right away called my 83-year-old Mom and said, “Mom, I love you. Your job is done here. It’s okay to let go.”
It was almost six hours before she returned the phone to its cradle.
When I said it was okay to let go, she obediently dropped the phone and just went on with the rest of her day.
Mom has dementia, which despite all its inherent exasperations is not without its charms.
I think my computer has dementia, too. Like Mom, it’s become very forgetful, sleeps for long periods of time and could go at any moment.
Or not.
This may be the last story I ever write on it. It's been hobbling along for about a year with sluggish reactions, screen freezes, and I guess what they’d call in any computer court martial command disobedience. 
Now it’s just about shot. It’s losing passwords, dropping data and failing to load key sites.
So tomorrow I’ll probably slam another grand or so on the credit card for what I’m thinking will be a MacBook Air.
I feel no pending elation over the necessary purchase.
The great writers used to all having abiding affections for their writing devices.
Hemingway did all his writing on a Royal Quiet de Luxe; Steinbeck a Baby Hermes, neither of which allowed these geniuses distracting access to rounds of Candy Crush.
The old typewriters are today in museums where admirers pause to wonder at the magic.
I’ve written all my prose on a succession of four nondescript Apple products, all of which are probably today poisoning some southeast Asian landfill.
That’s the likely fate of this one.
Six and 3/4 years is a long time for a laptop. I paid $1,700.79 for it in ’09 and used it roughly 2,200 days. That’s about 77-cents a day, a real bargain.
What’s odd about the many malfunctions is how when the battery dies — and it does this with whimsical regularity — it reverts back to December 1, 2000.
I pause whenever I see the date.
I wonder should I make it current or just revel in a more carefree time more than 15 years ago.
I imagine they’re working on a time travel app that’ll allow users to do just that.
Dad still had four years to live in 2000 and Mom was fit as a fiddle.
They were both tremendous company, much admired and loved by those who knew them.
Dad died quick in ’04 at the age of 76. It was an aortic embolism. He was fine in the morning, dead by dinner.
It was devastating then, but in hindsight I consider it a Hall of Fame death. Very considerate.
It’s funny how much time I spend thinking about Mom and her mortality. When something is dying, I find myself thinking about her and wondering how long she has to live.
Her memory continues to fray, yet she continues to alternately charm and exasperate with her diminished capacities.
I know others have it far worse, but I wonder about God’s plan.
Why do some endure wasted longevity when much younger others die too soon?
How long will it be before He call her home?
And just what’ll happen if her phone’s off the hook when He does?

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