My book is $20

(756 words)

So exactly one hour after posting the last month piece emphatically titled, “This book is NOT free,” I gave away four copies of my book for free.

And next time I think of writing on that topic, I’ll use the headline, “I am a spineless promoter.”

So who were the lucky recipients?

First was Allan Zullo, to whom the book is dedicated. I’m unaware of the protocol, but I can’t imagine any author dedicating a book to anyone and expecting the honoree to pay for it. And it would be a huge embarrassment if I told him about the tribute and he responded, gee, thanks, but I only read Grisham.

Then a friend of mine, a distinguished military retiree, said he wanted a copy and would reimburse me with free booze and green fees. Sold! He’d have gotten a freebie anyway because I respect our servicemen and women and wouldn’t want me being cheap with a free book to be used as an excuse for anyone dogging it when it came to national defense.

Then an attorney friend who does a lot of gratis work for us said he wanted a book. I couldn’t charge him, of course. Maybe on some enlightened planet a really dandy satiric book is worth more than free legal advice, but not here.

And I can’t right now recall who the fourth recipient was, but I don’t think her name was Oprah.

I’m finding giving away books is a hard habit to break.

That’s what I did so more than 500 times with “Use All The Crayons!” because I was so convinced it would make people happy I wanted them to have it. In fact, I had the publisher put a note on the very first page stating the reasoning under the headline: “THIS BOOK IS FREE.”

It cost me a small fortune in free books and postage, but I’m glad I did it. It has made a lot of people happy and that was the whole point of the book.

It’s different with “The Last Baby Boomer,” the point of which is to make me a lot of money. Or at least some money.

This is within the realm of possibility. Early reaction to the book is very enthused. People just love the premise — an international ghoul pool based on the death of the last baby boomer — and they get it instantly. It’ll be topical for the next 60 years. It’s drawing interest from media types already, too, and that could be hugely beneficial.

Of course, I’m most pleased that so many friends and blog readers have gotten in touch about reading it.

It’s very flattering. In fact, I’m so pleased, my instinct is to reciprocate by giving them, what?

A free book!

So I’m asking your help:

Please stop me from giving you my book for free. 

I can really sell the book, but then I have trouble really selling the book.

This became apparent the other night when Val and I met Wendy at the Tin Lizzy with the express purpose of her buying the book.

I told her what it’s about. “Sounds great!" she said. “How much?”

I told her it retails for $16.95, but I’m trying to charge an even $20 because I despise even basic math and because I do the blog for free and the additional dough could be viewed as subsidizing a worthy non-profit: me.

“But if you’re not sure you’re going to like it, I could arrange an installment plan where you could pay $2.25 for every 50 pages you enjoy. Another option is …”

At this point she was so exasperated that what she thought was going to be a simple transaction was heading in the direction of pie charts and CPAs she just blurted out, “For God's sake, just tell me an amount!”

I should have said $50. She’d have paid it.

I’ve thought about figuring a way to calculate how many times each individual buyer has read the blog for free and charge a dime per post and adding that to the total.

So some of you long-time readers will owe $169.95 for one 256 page book, which, when you think about it really isn’t bad for more than eight years of blog freeloading.

And, yes, the more I do this blog for free the more I feel like I’m condoning literary shoplifting.

So I hope you’ll order a book or two. I’ll gladly sign them. 

I just ask that you’re adamant in your friendly opposition when I begin offering instinctive reasons why you shouldn’t have to pay.

Related …

This book is NOT free: my new novel for sale

Latrobe Bulletin features me & “Last Baby Boomer”

“Use All The Crayons!” A 10-star review

Giving away my book a blue chip idea

Calculating kindness: 65 free books

(772 words)

So yesterday a woman out of the blue calls and asks if my book’s still free. She’s been out of work since 2011.

“I read the Eric Heyl story in The Tribune-Review and I was hoping you might be able to send me one,” she says. “I’m having a tough time and this sounds like it might cheer me up.”

Without me having to do even a lick of math, I get to become Santa Claus.

“I’ll be happy to,” I say. “But you have to answer one question.”

“Yes?”

“What’s your favorite color?”

“It’s green. Thanks!”

And today a crayon-signed copy of “Use All The Crayons!” is on its way to Gail M. on Pittsburgh’s West End.

It’s a humble little gesture, but I’ve heard from others who say the book does, indeed, take some of the sting out of the tough times

Now for the math: Each book cost me about $5; each envelope about 35-cents; because I’ve been burned by cheaper media mail, I pay the premium first class $2.70 to mail each and every copy. Lavishly signing and mailing take about 20 minutes.

To me it’s a mutual bargain.

Let’s say a smiling stranger walked into The Pond and said they’d like to be my friend. I’d certainly spend at least $10.05 to make it happen. Who knows? Maybe my drunken new friend will tell someone I’m a great guy and they’ll go out and buy a book or two.

Now, let’s alter the equation.

Instead of one unemployed person, let’s make it 65 who, unlike me, are employed adults with steady incomes.

Well, the bartender’s not going to like all that sudden commotion one bit. Me, I’ll be stricken with an instant math migraine.

Let’s see, 65 people at, uh, carry the two, um, er . . . that’s in the neighborhood of $650.

And by the time I’ve dealt with every one in line, I’m drunk off my ass and my whole day is shot.

It’s a really big commitment.

But that’s the situation because after I got off the phone with Gail an esteemed literacy advocacy group requested I send them 65 free books for each of their national directors.

Gulp.

I have no one to blame but myself

I’m proud that mine is maybe the only book in the world that has right there on the very first page the bold-faced declaration: “This Book is Free.” The idea, it says, is that no one who might benefit from a book whose mission is to make people happy should go without over a few dollars.

Sure, there have been violations of the spirt of the thing, requests from tenured professors, lawyers and one cheap-ass photographer -- all people with jobs who can afford to buy the book -- but I won’t stoop to quibbling.

This is different. I’d read about the high-profile group and sent their offices five free crayon-signed books with a note saying I admire what they’re doing and I’d be happy to contribute.

Me and my big mouth.

What happened next was one of the most odd negotiations in which I’ve ever been engaged: I immediately began scrambling to get them to pay me something for my in-kind donation.

The retail value of that many $15.95 books -- let me check the smart phone -- is $1,036.75. Would they consider giving me a stipend?

Nope.

How about a Fedex account number so I won’t have to pay shipping?

Yes.

Would you mind issuing a press release saying how happy you are to have the books?

Sure.

My bottom line is I’m delighted to get 65 books into the hands of people who spend their days enthusing to others about the joys of reading. It’s been my experience that good things happen when I give my books away out of the goodness of my heart.

But what if this time it doesn’t?

What if the 65 books get lost in the shuffle? What if these employed recipients simultaneously exalt that my book is just the right height to prop up their wobbly tables? What if the books just sort of disappear?

You know what I really hope happens?

I hope next week Gail M. gets a job and zooms up the organizational charts as her bosses recognize what a colorful individual she is.

I hope she ends up running the company. Then I hope she gives all the credit to “Use All The Crayons!” and splurges on 1,000 copies for her grateful employees.

Just because a man’s bad at math doesn’t mean he can’t be considered calculating. 

Related . . .

• Giving away my book a blue chip idea

• “Use All The Crayons!” A 10-star review

• My business plan: keep feeding the unicorn

Now's the time to buy my book

702 words

It’s so unseemly, I’ve resisted doing this for about four months. I’ve put it off, sought alternatives, relied on others.

I can procrastinate no longer.

It’s up to me. So here goes.

I need you to buy my book. Now.

Geez, that was awkward. I don’t know how the ShamWow guy does it.

Actually, I’m confusing need with want. I don’t need you to buy. It’s doing better than I ever dreamed without either of us really doing a thing.

But I really want you to. It’d be great if any of my Greensburg-area friends walked into the local Barnes & Noble and bought a copy of “Use All The Crayons! The Colorful Guide to Simple Human Happiness,” that’s currently being shelved in the self-improvement section.

If enough of you do that, I bet we can get it more prominent display. Or I need you to buy it online at barnesandnoble.com or amazon.com. Just one copy’s fine. It’ll be $15.95 with a couple of dollars for shipping and handling.

An honest on-line review would be great, too. So would each of you recommending your friends to buy it.

Why after four months of giving the book away am I making this request?

Now’s the time to see if we can really move the needle.

This week convinces me my promotional efforts have reached a tipping point. As many of you know, the book on the very first page has a note that says it is free to anyone who can’t afford it or who is serving in the U.S. armed forces. All they have to do is e-mail storyteller@chrisrodell.com and ask.

But it’s been much broader than that. It’s basically free to anyone who asks or whom I think might enjoy it.

I’ve given away for free more than 200 copies to friends, family, old classmates or people I know from bars, church or section 509 at Heinz Field. Recipients have included bankers, teachers, drunks, clergy, locker room attendants and the guy who cuts my hair.

The result of all these freebies is I’m starting to believe not only will the book succeed, but it has a chance of becoming a sensation.

Evidence of this came this week when readers, two of them previous strangers, placed orders for batches of books in amounts of 25, 20 and 15. I sign and sell these for a two-dollar discount. I now spend a good portion of each day sharpening crayons at a furious rate.

So three free books have led to $840 in sales in one week. Now, what do you think the 60 people who receive the book will do?

It’s becoming clear they’ll buy more. As I suspected, the more I give away, the more I’ll exponentially sell.

That people are loving it leaves me tickled beyond words.

Here’s the thing: if each of those 60 books were purchased on-line or at a store, the national retailers would take notice. They would give the book better distribution and promotion. It would really put some wind in its sales, er, sails.

I believe it’s time to fertilize the grassroots.

So if I’ve given you one and you’ve enjoyed it, I ask you to reciprocate by buying one this weekend. If you do, I’ll send you a SASE so you can drop it in the mail and have me sign it for someone whose life has added happy colors to yours.

Or maybe you’ve enjoyed the occasional blog and have wondered if there’s ever a way you can express your gratitude for the near-daily silliness. Now’s your chance.

Let me be clear: the book is still free and I’m aggressively giving it away. I’m arranging to donate 25 signed editions to the USO in time for Thanksgiving.

But I believe this slim little book can become a player in holiday sales and I want to do everything I can to maximize the possibility.

You buying the book this weekend could be a big step in making that happen.

There. That was as unpleasant as I suspected it would be.

I’m going to have to get in touch with the ShamWow guy and ask him his self-promotional secrets.

Related . . .

• Giving away my book a blue chip idea

• Readin’ my sh!t on the crapper