Showing posts with label drunk on the job. Show all posts
Showing posts with label drunk on the job. Show all posts

Friday, July 10, 2015

Farewell, Pond office! I am outta here


These are the last words I’ll ever write from The Pond. The stakes are high, so this had better be historic.

Here goes:

Four score and seven years ago, Dave Carfang’s grandfather brought forth this bar.

Wait, that sentence contains some factual errors. Let’s skip over some stuff and go back to just seven years ago.

The birth of our darling new baby daughter meant our charming little home on Fred Rogers Way was getting too crowded. We needed bigger digs.

But because we are human and naturally resistant to disruptive change, we didn’t want to move far.

We found a lovely house in the woods just a mile up the mountain. The house was more spacious, but lacked an obvious work space where I could have the isolation I find necessary to write.

Back then I was doing mostly magazine writing and conjuring book proposals. And I was teaching creative non-fiction at a Pittsburgh university where I often told students blogging was a waste of time.

It doesn’t pay so why would anyone do it?

I was getting promising reaction to several book projects and was confident about my professional prospects.

Val suggested I look into getting a small apartment. 

I talked to one bar-owner friend and he said he had a place for $250. It seemed steep. Really, I didn’t need much.

So I shared my predicament with another bar-owner friend — and feel free to speculate how different my career would be if I didn’t have so many friends who owned bars.

“Two-hundred fifty dollars? I’ve got a place upstairs I’ll give you for free!”

That was Dave and, not wanting to take advantage of him, I shrewdly counter-offered $150-a-month and that’s how what would become the happiest epoch of my professional experience began to evolve.

Understand, it’s a mighty slim sample. I’ve only had three full-time jobs my entire adult life and one of them was at the Pizza Hut.

In fact, I haven’t had a job since 1992.

So whether or not this is a job is up for debate, but doing what I do from above The Pond has been the very best (look closely in the picture above and you’ll see me waving from my window).

I’ve been so happy here, and I think that shows in the blog, a nearly 1,500-post compendium whose history and character are indelibly linked with this great neighborhood tavern and the friends who come here to eat, drink and work.

In 2008, things were tanking. Freelance writing was becoming very unsatisfying and often was dependent on unfair circumstances.

I started to blog because, gee, I needed to do something when I came to my “office.”

I use quote marks because this has never felt like an office. To me, it always felt like a little boy’s treehouse or fort.

I decorated the walls and ceilings with keepsakes no wife would abide in her home. It was a great place to put up all the art the kids gave me.

Everywhere I looked was a reminder of something I loved with all my heart.

Now, my heart is feeling empty because the walls are barren.

I’ve spent the last week tearing the place apart, ripping down the pictures, the drawings and kiddie keepsakes that were presented with so much ceremonial distinction.

The eviction notice says I have to be out by tomorrow. So be it.

Moving the contents of even a shabby little office, deciding what to keep and what to pitch, is a stressful undertaking.

See, in some ways, my office had become like my presidential library. I kept many old clips and magazines from over the years in the vain belief they’d someday matter to someone.

Of course, now I believe the only things that will matter to anyone are “Use All The Crayons!” and this blog.

So well-crafted essays from prestigious publications I’d preserved for decades have diminished in value.

I pitched nearly all of them.

What hurt the most?

Tossing a four-slot toaster-sized stack of 1,000 National Enquirer articles into the township recycling compactor.

It felt like setting fire to 10 of the most interesting years of my life.

But I tried to look at it through the eyes of my children who upon my eventual demise will be burdened with sorting through all the crap.

Would they really be interested in reading the 1998 story I wrote under the headline, “Your pizza toppings reveal what kind of lover you are!”

I hope the stories they’ll want to most fondly remember are the ones I tell.

I sold the refrigerator, the filing cabinet, the shelves, the bookcase, the toaster oven and gave old Joe the rocker where we once gave parental comforts to the precious little ones who will always matter most.

Most of the rest will go into basement storage where it will remain untouched until we years from now pitch it all during the next stressful move.

I have a new place about which I’ll write next week. It may be temporary, but it will be spartan.

All I really need is my laptop, my Bose wave radio, a table, a printer and my squeaky old chair.

Hell, I might have to advance the name of the blog to “Two Days To Amish.”

I’ve been touched by the warmth and concern of so many friends who are reacting like me being evicted from my office means I’ll somehow be homeless.

They’ve offered spare rooms, garage space, advice and good wishes.

The eviction is part of the closing formalities. Bar ownership will transfer, or so I hear, sometime in August.

We’re all anxious. No one likes change.

I say let’s embrace it with cheer.

Maybe things for all involved will flourish.

Maybe the new owners will make necessary changes that will stabilize this beloved landmark. Maybe Dave will find he has a whimsical talent for painting landscapes and bowls of fruit.

Maybe the bar’s next chapter will be like the finale of “Mad Men,” where at their most trying hour every character found satisfying alternatives that in many cases surpassed the status quo.

Everyone but Betty who — spoiler alert! — dies of brain cancer.

So let’s not be mad, men.

Let us go forth and greet these changes with confidence that things will be better.

Thank you, one and all, for making all these many years of Happy Hours truly happy hours.

And let us together highly resolve that this bar, under which was once my office, shall have a new birth of soulful conviviality, and that the good times and memories of the Pond, by the Pond, for the Pond, shall not perish from this little corner of Latrobe.

How’s that for historic?


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Sunday, March 8, 2015

Re-Run Sunday: Drunk on the job

I was in the bar Friday evening drinking with a guy who was distracted by a guy who was drinking on the job. My buddy Dave is in human resources with a local manufacturer and he was getting texts about the problem. And it was a big problem. He was angry because the guy was jeopardizing the safety of himself and his co-workers. I was angry because I hate it whenever anyone stops paying attention to me. Plus, Dave’s a big fan of the blog. He’s the guy who stops reading it cold turkey every fall so he can binge-read it for eight straight days while he’s in an Illinois tree stand (first link below). 

I told him about the post I’d written about why I’ve never blogged drunk.

He didn’t remember it.

So this is for Dave.

Cheers!


This is the 782nd time I’ve posted a new blog since I began in 2008 and I can honestly say I’ve never blogged while drunk.

This surprises even me. You, too, I’m sure.

My wife, man, she’s bound to be floored by the stat. She probably thinks there haven’t been 782 times I’ve been sober since 2008.

I don’t know why I don’t blog while drunk. There’s no law against it. I doubt anyone would notice, and it would likely boost my productivity by letting me kill two birds with one stone.

I bring this up because just the other day I dealt with a guy who was drunk on the job.

My mechanic! 

Geez. What a predicament.

My 2007 Saturn Vue’s been making a loud hum for a few months and the car needed inspecting.

I needed the car for a 5-hour trip this week (details tomorrow) and wanted it to be functioning in top condition. It’s been a good car. It’s been paid off for three years and is nearing 100,000 miles.

Most important, it has a good stereo with commercial-free satellite radio. I love it. I wanted the hum eliminated so I could enjoy five uninterrupted hours of great loud music without the whiny kids complaining about the volume of my tasteful selections.

So this was important.

I’ve been going to this guy for about 15 years. He’s been reliable, but often grumpy about trying to earn a living as an independent operator in a business that’s been gobbled up by corporate uniformity.

So I felt bad for him. High school graduates who pursue careers as mechanics generally shelve grand ambitions. The good ones know they can have a stable career doing an essential job that will pay their mortgage and leave them just enough leftover to take the kids to the beach once a year.

At least they used to. That was before the conglomerates began squeezing out the independents. They made it unfeasible for them to sell gas. That meant fewer customers would know they needed routine maintenance. Pretty soon the Mom & Pop filling stations began disappearing.

It’s enough to drive a man to drink.

That’s what happened with my man. I’d drive by and see him in there rattling around in three empty bays. It made me sad.

Of course, that’s no excuse to spend your days getting gooned up, not in a job where your customer’s safety is your responsibility.

OSHA reports 12.9 million American employees are gooned up while on the clock. The number seems low to me. I figure there’s at least that many drunken bartenders alone.

You hear about it anecdotally once in a while with surgeons, air traffic controllers and wayward school bus drivers -- all occupations that scream for alcoholic relief.

Pat Sajak said he and Vanna White used to get giddy on margaritas between tapings of “Wheel of Fortune.”

“I had a great time,” he said. “I have no idea if the shows were any good but no one said anything so I guess we did okay.”

How could anyone tell?

So the mechanic tells me the car needs new ball bearing joints for the front end. He’s drunk, I can tell. But not so drunk that he can’t safely execute the task.

“If I have to stay here until midnight, I promise you I’ll get this job done. I really want to do the work for you.”

He calls me the next night, practically in tears. The joints are rusted tight. There’s nothing he can do and, oh, did he mention his wife had left him?

So now I’m stuck. I should have bailed on him, but thought a rebuke might have sent him into a tailspin and, besides, the car’s equipped with multiple airbags so what the hell.

Now, for the second straight day my car is up on the rack, tires off, hood up, suspended there like a dental patient with its mouth open. 

And the only thing in worse shape than my car is the man I’m relying on to fix it.

Me, I’m 300 miles away with a rented Toyota Corolla parked outside. Dang thing doesn’t even have satellite radio.

It’s enough to drive me to drink.

I don’t though.

I might be called upon to blog later and wouldn’t want to forsake my professional responsibilities.


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Thursday, March 5, 2015

Happy Fourth Birthday to our furnace!


Because we celebrate the special occasions of our inanimate household objects, the girls didn’t think it odd that I told them it was time to go downstairs and sing Happy Birthday to the furnace.

The furnace turned 4 on Tuesday.

It’s easy to remember because the installers wrote “3-3-11” right on the front of it. So I see it every single time I stroll through the basement and every single time I’m chagrined I wasn’t thinking like a furnace installer on 9-20-86, the day I married Val.

I’ve in the past gone so far as to celebrate the furnace’s birthdays with candles and cake.

Nothing like that this year and I feel a little bad. The girls enjoy it because it’s another kick in the shins of the enduring winter monotony and because, gee, who doesn’t like cake?

If the furnace resents the slight, it hasn’t shown it. It hasn’t underperformed or petulantly shut down. It provides steadfast heat and comfort for my family on the most bitter nights.

Heck, if it could detach and hop outside to help the girls build a snowman you could make a case that between me and it the furnace is the more essential provider.

Really, it’s been a great furnace, especially for a 4 year old, a notoriously difficult age for human toddlers.

I should start posting humblebrag pictures of it on Facebook.

I’ve heard of some Native American tribes that believe every object is bestowed with a soul. 

I have trouble believing parts of that because I know far too many soulless humans. Why would the creator give a soul to, say, our rusty old toaster, but not one to a notoriously cranky bartender at one of the neighborhood joints?

I once did a story for Maxim about the implications of Anheuser-Busch putting “Born On” dates on their popular beers. This was about 15 years ago and the marketing idea was to reassure drinkers that their beer was fresh and all what I guess you’d call beer zingy.

It was yet another triumph of marketing over substance because none of the beer drinkers I ever knew, starting with my sudsy old man, had ever once before fretted that his or her beer was “too old.”

All Dad cared about that it was cheap, cold and nearby when he needed it.

A worse son than I would lasso the obvious Mom joke in there, but let’s move on.

So I decided to have some fun with the absurdity.

If beer in beer cans had born on dates then beer, like their human consumers, had astrological signs.

If, say, a beer was born on September 25, then it was a Libra. That meant the beer was a peacemaker, enjoyed board games and was prone to stubbornness.

A beer born on June 22 was a Cancer. It was shy around strangers, enjoyed rainy days in front of the fire and found joy in simple things.

The story, in fact, involved actual research. I called a bona fide astrologer and together we went through every astrological sign and I drank a corresponding beer for all 12.

In the end, we concluded I was compatible with every beer.

So I got paid $500 to get drunk. Maxim editors even paid for the beer, bless their marble sized-hearts.

Ah, those were the days.

So you see I have a fondness for personifying inanimate objects. And I think it’s important to share this affinity with my daughters.

I want them to appreciate all the things in the house that help the house be a home, the little things that add security and civilization to our sometimes choppy lives.

So, by all means, let’s celebrate our inanimate objects.

It’ll be good for the girls to know to cherish all their inanimate objects, especially when they have a father who seems destined to become one. 



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