It’s taken me three years to hit the 2,000 tweet mark at 8days2Amish, which I did last week. I’ve probably done about 2,200, but I’ve always ruthlessly gone back and weeded out ones that I deemed inferior. Lately, I just don’t tweet them. I think that shows with this batch. Many worthy ones here, I believe. I invite you to judge for yourself.
• Anytime I think I'm a bad father I remind myself my 12 year old can name all five Traveling Wilburys and I'm again at peace.
• I remain amazed "beer" and "mirror," words with just one letter in common, are a near-perfect rhyme. Beer, is there nothing you can't do?
• Saw a friend I hadn't seen in 30 years. He said I looked great. Even the paunch? Yes. He said it gave me gravitas. More like gravy-tas.
• Why are there locks on the lobster tank where I shop? If I'm a shoplifter, a live lobster is the last thing I'm stuffing down my pants.
• It is a confounding paradox for those challenged with marketing the machines, but the best vacuum cleaners really do suck.
• Teaching is like preparing Thanksgiving feast w/ 40 in-laws crowding the kitchen, each one offering advice on how to prepare perfect bird.
• It's been a long, long time and I still can't believe it's not butter.
• News reports say Mandela in "serious" condition. Has anyone suggested treating him with laughing gas?
• People love waffles, yet get impatient with wafflers. Something's gotta give.
• In the future, suspicious parents will be able to purchase smart pants for kids that will ignite when the pants detect the youths are lying.
• I believe in the next six months, the combined age of the Rolling Stones (247 years) will finally exceed their combined weight.
• Even if it were true, I’d never dream of telling the world Mama’s got a squeeze box she wears on her chest and when Daddy comes home he never gets no rest.
• Unlike Takei, my tweets are 100 percent authentic. And that which doesn't kill me can only make me stronger!
• Let's clear this up: A tornado warning is dangerous weather. A tornado watch is an inefficient timepiece whose hands spin really fast.
• You think you can tell time. Foolish mortals. Time tells you!
• “Godspell” is a popular theatrical production. “Spell God” is a statement that will get public school teachers into trouble with the ACLU.
• Trivia question for today: How much does it cost to use a pay phone? Trivia question for 2015? What's a pay phone?
• I know it’s dishonest, but I find it irresistible to run into crowded rooms to yell, “Dick Cheney’s gonna be on ‘Dancing With The Stars!’”
• Am I a bad father for leaving sweet notes to each of my daughters that say, "You'll always be my favorite . . . Don't tell your sister!"
• The tasty snack would still taste and look the same, but they would take on a whole new connotation if they were spelled "FreeToes."
• Told the 6-yr-old I'd give her $1 if she could get her ears to produce sound. Finally gave her a buck when I feared her head would explode.
• Dining oddity: It's perfectly okay to cook on a spit, but never okay to spit on a cook.
• If Lassie smoked medical marijuana, supported gay marriage and hung out with surfer dudes he’d live in Colliefornia.
• I'm hoping Bill Belichick is an eventual character witness for Aaron Hernandez & breaks down on the stand after telling a story about a boy and his puppy.
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