Come see me read "Last Baby Boomer" at City Books!

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I’m expecting a full house for my “Last Baby Boomer” reading Monday, 7 p.m., at City Books on Pittsburgh’s North Side with 20,000 other fans watching on the Jumbotron outside.

And wouldn’t that be cool?

I’m not exaggerating about the full house bit. City Books at 908 Galveston St. is a perfectly cozy little place.

I took that into consideration when I sent out invitations.

The optics are better if the place looks and feels crowded. It’s why instead of inviting all my best friends I invited all the biggest ones

I have about five or six friends of ample girth who can make the cables of a mill freight elevator groan in distress. Lined up one next to another they can make Iowa look crowded.

Of course, none of them would show up for a night of hearing me read from a book. The very idea is ridiculous.

So I told them it was wing night!

In fact, I’m uncomfortable, too, with the idea of me entertaining an audience merely by reading. Let’s face it, many consumers are impatient with the idea of them reading.

It’s really more of a talking than a reading. And as I know people enjoy tales of vicarious woe, I’ll probably focus on the slapstick failures of the book’s ignominious journey to self-publication.

Really, it’d make a dandy little puppet show and I should consider the production.

I previewed the new talk Tuesday at the Altoona Rotary and it went very well. Very loose and well-received.

I expect the ones at City Books and Ohio County Public Library in Wheeling (Tuesday) go even better. It’ll be more focused and, yes, I will do some selected readings.

People laugh out loud when they tell me their favorite parts so to get the instant gratification from a live audience could really energize my confidence.

See, the “Use All the Crayons!” presentations are practically on auto-pilot. I can deliver that one at a moment’s notice and earn a satisfying reaction. That’s good because by now someone is mostly paying me something to do just that.

It’s different with “Last Baby Boomer” for which the whole goal is to sell lots of books, both for me and for City Books owner Arlan Hess. She’s gracious enough to host me so I am hoping all my Pittsburgh friends will turn out.

I keep trying to think of ways to add value to the evening. Like maybe include dinner and drinks with me. But, given my always precarious finances, it’d have to either be Dutch or you’d have to buy so that’s not much of an incentive.

I’m sure we’ll all toddle into a nearby tavern following the event, but how special is that? Geez, I’ve been hanging out in Pittsburgh-area bars since about the 4th grade so big whup to that, too.

But please do consider showing up. I promise the words I read will be some of the best in the history of literature.

City Books has more than 1,000 great titles and no one said I have to read from my own book.

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Too much political talk making us sick

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Because I have two public speaking engagements on Thursday, I’ve decided to go diva and rest my voice.

That means when the 9 year old asks me to explain why I wear pajamas around the house on days when other daddies wear suits to crowded offices, I just hold up my hands, my signal the subject is closed.

I’ve been doing this for two days and by now the whole family reflexively responds to me holding up my hands by holding up their middle fingers.

A South Hills financial group is paying me to talk for an hour Thursday about the soulful benefits of colorful living. I’m very grateful for the opportunity. 

Then three hours later I’ll be resuming my role as emcee word master at the 10th annual Greensburg Rotary Spelling Bee for area 8 year olds.

It promises to be fun and there’s no real danger I’ll lose my voice from talking too much.

The real fear is we’ll all lose our collective sanity from hearing too much. 

We’re inundated by historic amounts of excessive, shrill and unnecessary talk. It’s everywhere.

The only thing that today exceeds our national inarticulateness is the number of megaphones possessed by all those who have nothing to say.

It’s particularly acute now because of the presidential campaign. None of the candidates is capable of shutting up.

And all of them seem to shout.

No one speaks softly — although one prominent candidate likes to brag he carries a big stick.

And with their every tweet or pronouncement there are multitudes of paid spokesmen ready to be interviewed by paid interviewers about what it all means.

I’ve for six months now listen to all the campaign talk in the car. I’d tune into watch the pre-debate hype, the debates and all the post-debate analysis.

Worse, I started channel surf all the political shows on my morning commute.

Now, regular readers know my commute is precisely 1 minute and 40 seconds — and that’s if I hit the town’s lone traffic light.

I have no commute. But I was hooked on the news. What was I to do?

I added a meal to my day. I got into the habit of grabbing a newspaper and hitting one of the drive-thrus, a daily surge of unnecessary calories.

The candidates were talking about growing the economy, but the only tangible growth was in my waistline.

Plus, and this is epidemic, it was souring my disposition. I found myself eager to confront strangers in diners for opinions that differed from mine. 

The political fever is making America sick.

Well, I’m opting out. I’m tuning out the political back and forth. After all, is any of it going to change anyone’s opinion?

If you support Trump now is anything going to happen between now and November 8 that’s going to have you say, “You know, maybe she’s right. Maybe we should be more inclusive. I’m with her!”

And, guaranteed, no Hillary fan is going to wake up and say, “I’m feeling a little queasy after that Speedy Gonzalez burrito special last night. I think that bastard Pedro is trying to poison me. Let’s deport his ass!”

It’s all set in stone, so what’s the point?

I’m done.

I no longer listen to Morning Joe. I listen to Willie’s Roadhouse.

When I was home alone at lunch yesterday, I didn’t watch the cable news shows.

I watched “Green Acres!”

I’m convinced our next evolutionary step is ear lids so we can slam our ears shut the way we do our eyes when confronted with visual upleasantness.

That’s all for now.

I’ve already said too much.

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