Leaper tweets of the month

• I used to make prognostications but I was so wrong so often I predict it'll never happen again.

• Because I enjoy security cam video of news that can only be described as miraculous, I hope today to see a massive sinkhole open up on a busy highway where an equally massive and adjacent landslide fills it in so neatly passengers in an advancing bus never notice either potential calamity …

And because I enjoy uninformed FB vitriol over things no one can explain, I hope the bus is full of either MAGA-hat wearing NRA conventioneers or rainbow-haired women's volleyballers on their way to a Pete for Prez fundraiser.

• I’d like to be in Boston today to inform Patriot fans who out of habit the day after the Super Bowl begin to set chairs out along the parade route that if they want to see honest champions they'd better get their asses to Kansas City.

• Two of the least popular people in the Republican Party are today two Republican senators chosen by Republicans to lead the Republican Party in two of the most recent presidential elections.

• I wonder where the strangers who appear in our dreams go when we're awake and if they sleep in that place and have dreams that include people like us.

• Those who say they've lost everything and have no where to go but up often ignore the depth of a grave.

• Not to be an alarmist, but who wants to bet that within the next 30 days one of our politicians will declare in the interest of public health we sink the cruise ships full of quarantined Coronavirus victims?

• Every four years I'm forced to overcome the confusion over whether Dixville Notch is an electorally significant New Hampshire village and not some anatomically precise porno jargon.

• I don't understand the need for the redundant spelling of tsetse fly. Is there a tse fly or a tsetsetse fly from which it needs distinguishing? Really, I don't tse the point.

• I know what you're thinking 'cuz I'm thinking it, too: "I just turned 57 and I STILL haven't sucked face with Madonna! What's taking so long?" Thanks, my friends, for all the birthday wishes.

• Most people confuse being opinionated with being correct. Just because you say something in a loud voice absent doubt doesn't mean you're right. Of course, that's just my opinion.

• ”Titanic" concluding now on AMC. I like the subtle irony of a movie where a painter gets framed and a woman whose name sounds like "ROWS" is hauled into a lifeboat and given an oar.

• Given the spread of Coronavirus, how long before Pirate owner Bob Nutting orders -- for prudent health reasons -- a game be played without fans? And given Pirate fan disdain, how long before anyone notices the difference?

• Be honest: How much 'living' do you do in your living room? In fact, it should be called the "watching room" or, worse, the "ignoring-your-loved-ones room.”

• I wonder if any of the forward-thinkers at PETA have game-planned a pro-active position paper anticipating Jurassic scenarios where the organization defends the dinosaur's absolute right to roam free in the cities and the countries.

June Tweets of the Month

How many other writers could produce such a heady mix of profound and silly? I wonder if I’d be more successful if I confined my disciplines to just one or the other. Oh, well. I can’t help it. I yam what I yam and that’s all that I yam. I think that’s from Plato …

Enjoy June’s tweets of the month and follow me @8days2Amish!

• Many writers are on shoe-string budgets. Me, I can't afford shoes with strings. I guess that means I'm on a flip flop budget. 

• Maybe I'm superstitious, but I only buy things like thyme, basil and sage from farmers named Herb.

• It’s your past. Make it as colorful as you wish. I say I put myself through college working as a male stripper.

• Both daughters have caught on, but I still find it irresistible to phone pretending I’m Prez Obama just calling to praise their father. 

• The idea of being a lab rat must seem so prestigious to rats so it must be a cruel disappointment when they learn what it involves

• Asked 9 year old if she knew difference between carpenter bees and regular bees. Said carpenter bees have the tiny tool belts.

• He admires Trump’s spunk, his moxie, but he thinks the kid needs some guidance, the tutelage of an old Washington hand. #Trump/Cheney

• All my life people have been telling me, "Chris you can't do this. You can't do that." They've been right about 90 percent of the time.

• Imagine how much better off we’d all be if humble “Need a penny/Take a penny/ Have a penny/Leave a penny,” were applied on a global level.

• I wish in the interests of polite society that people described as lightning rods attracted actual lightning.

• It’s probably because of my years at Ohio University I drink responsibly whenever I should and irresponsibly whenever I can.

• Store receipts getting so long it is now be possible to wrap new toaster in new toaster receipts.

• How come the only ones who seem to get to blither are idiots? I'd just once like to see a blithering weatherman.

• The term "penniless" has lost all value for describing an impoverished individual. Probably been 20 years since Trump's even seen a penny.

• Families are God's way of proving we're incapable of helping even those we love the very most.

• The reward of soothing mediocrity is among society’s most addictive painkillers.

• I’ll bet God wishes terrorists who kill in His name saying "God is great!" would at least add, "But I am not!"

• I’ve made a bold decision: I'm living the rest of my life in italics!

• She’ll deny it, but my wife just hasn't been herself since Heisenberg died. #BreakingBad

• Devotees of irony rejoice! Today we honor as a disciple of peace, a man who got famous beating the living crap out of others. #AliFuneral

• How much more advanced will humanity be when we select mates based on intelligence instead of how nice one’s ass looks in tight jeans?

• How sizable would the yard sale be if you had access to all the stuff enemies through-out your life told you to shove up your ass? 

• I’ve done like the financial wizards advised. I've had nest eggs. The problem is they've always hatched and flown away.

• I detest the term spree killer. It makes it sound like so much fun.

• Anytime you hear of anyone dying suddenly, it should reinforce the need to be always living suddenly ... 

• I’d like to see a boy named Morley engage a girl name Leslie and have them conceive a child they'll name Equally.

• It’s said no two snowflakes are exactly alike. But I was upscale bar this weekend with 30 guys who looked, dressed & thought exactly alike.

• When someone tells me they don't have the time to read I assume they don't have time for sex either. #priorities

• Never forget: A clear, sharp mind is a brute impediment to enjoying so much of life's whimsy and wonder. Bourbon works wonders.

• Reaping what you sew is good unless you’re a dressmaker who grows his or her own cotton then in which case you sew what you reap. 

• It may be that I'll always be broke, but by God I'll never be broken.

• I propose they rename phone book "The Big Book of Names & Numbers of People You Don't Know, Will Never Meet & Will Never Call.”

• I’ve become so trusting of small town values the only time I lock my car is when my keys are in there and I'm not.

• I wonder if Jesus and God do anything special for Father's Day.

•I wonder if parents of boys born above the Arctic Circle ever struggle with the illogic of naming the fair-skinned child Tanner. 

• Jordan Speith talks so much on the golf course he should be called Jordan Spekith.

• Ham radios will resume their popularity when they're constructed of ham. 

• News reports of a local home being ransacked always make me wonder if the suspect is Santa, a man who runs with sacks.

• Today I feel like a futurist, but I predict the feeling will pass.

• It’d be a useful gauge of the woman's native optimism to learn if Carly Fiorina is still introducing herself as Ted Cruz's Veep.

• I wonder if Satanists, like other special interest groups, resent being demonized or consider it a badge of honor.

• The AK 47, one of the deadliest guns ever made, is capable of firing 600 bullets per minute. And right now someone is working on an AK 48.

• It bears repeating: Rhode Island isn't even Rhode Isthmus.

• Daughter, 10, admits she was 3 before she realized my first name wasn't "Daddy." What did she think of all the other kids calling their fathers Daddy? “Copycats!"

• If we ever get another cat I'm going to encourage the kids to name it Copy. Copycat!

Related …

June ’15 Tweets of the Month

June ’14 Tweets of the Month

June ’13 Tweets of the Month