A Three Stooges tweet extravaganza!

I hate starting the week without posting something fresh. But today’s the first day of school and then I have a 10 a.m. interview with Arnold Palmer, thus today’s a bit of a jumble. So here’s a compilation of some of my best Stooge tweets from the past six months.

I realize this appeals to only a razor-thin margin of my razor-thin readership, but I hate it when anyone thinks I’ve taken a day off. Say what you want about The Stooges, but there was never a film of them just sitting around loafing. They were always doing plumbing, farming, running a deli, chasing mummies, etc. The Stooges lead very active lives.

Tomorrow, a full report on my Arnold Palmer interview, which is secondary to my main selfish purpose for being there. He’s already agreed to cameo in my next YouTube promotion so the big news is today I get to “direct” the great Arnold Palmer.

He’s about to learn when it comes to self-promotion I’m a tyrannical perfectionist, not what anyone would expect from someone who doubles as a Stooge scholar.

• The only time it’s proper to say someone’s been “jarred” awake is when Moe does it to Curly and it involves an actual jar.

• Airing anti-depressant drug ads during a Three Stooges marathon seems like a gross misapplication of marketing funds.

• Anyone care to guess the identity of the favorite Stooge the girl Billy Idol sings about in "Rebel Yell?" That's right. It's “Moe! Moe! Moe!”

• Watching Three Stooges short featuring the boys playing with a monkey. If Homer Simpson cameos it will be a comic collision of historic proportions.

• Tomorrow is Father's Day, the one day of the year when my daughters don't instinctively treat me like Moe treats Curly.

• If they’d have lived during Roman times, Augustus Caesar would have referred to Moe, Larry and Curly in Latin as “Tribus Stooges”

• I’m becoming convinced the greatest faith isn't the belief in God. The greatest faith is when Curly yells, "Hey, Moe! Hey, Larry! Help! Help!" and believes the situation will actually improve.

• A mohawk is a colorful hairdo. A Moe Hawk is an irrationally angry bird that inflicts slapstick violence on a Curley Hawk or Larry Hawk.

• “It’s a mystery why anyone would opt for Oreos over Double Stuffed Oreos. It'd be like choosing to watch a skit featuring The Two Stooges.”

• Through 220 shot films over three decades, #TheThreeStooges never once did a fart joke. Know what that means? They were a class act.

• In the near future, brain transplants will be elective surgery. What kind of new brain would you like? More appreciative of art? More scientifically inclined? Me, I'd like one that doesn't become immobilized when it becomes aware there's a Three Stooges marathon on

• If we've learned anything from watching today's "Three Stooges," it is to never say, "Here! Take mine!" whenever Moe asks for a hammer.

• I wonder if in the Three Stooges scripts when it called for Curly to laugh it actually spelled it out, "Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.” Heck, I’m not certain The Stooges even had scripts.

• Another great thing about watching The Stooges: takes mere seconds to say what happened anytime someone walks in & asks, “So, what’ve I missed?”

• Tennessee friend of mine said he saw a vanity plate that read, “NYUK X3.” Said it took him a few seconds to get it. Me, too.

• It’s an historical irony that if one or the other ever needed a stunt double, Hitler and Moe Howard would have had to call one another.

• Through all his enraged violence against Larry, Curly and Shemp, Moe Howard never once went for the groin shot. Know what that means to me? Moe was at heart a gentleman.

• Here’s how much my wife respects my intellect: she just asked me who was the last Stooge to die (It was Joe DeRita, but purists say it was Moe in ‘75).

• I may not be the world's best father but I never said, “I have a good idea! Let’s let The Stooges babysit the kids!”

Related . . .

75 best tweets of ’12!

August Tweets of the Month

I was watching The Stooges in “Calling All Curs” with our daughters the other day. In it Moe, Larry and Curly sit down for an elegant dinner with about a dozen mutts. Mayhem ensues -- but not among the dogs all exhibit refined table manners.

I don’t know how they did it, but I assume it involved procedures that today would have PETA scolding tsk tsk. 

Incredulous, Lucy, 7, said, “The dogs are better behaved than the Stooges!”

I couldn’t figure a way to turn that little observation into a tweet, but it had me thinking of using a tweet round up of only Stooge tweets. But not this month. You're welcome to follow my tweets at 8days2amish.

Here’s what I deemed my 18 best from the past 30 days.

• I'm fearful I'm no longer as cool as I used to be. Should I consider hip surgery?

• The parents of the North and South Poles can never use the tried 'n' true line, "The world doesn't revolve around you, you know."

• If I were to restrict my conversations to only enlightened people, it would be a lonely existence and I'd be unable to talk to even myself.

• I'm going to start a movement that we all start spelling our names alphabetically. Yours truly, Chirs Edllor

• I'm opposed to spanking but whenever I hear a father say this is gonna hurt me worse than it hurts you I think he needs to spank harder.

• Folding female underwear always reminds of incomprehensible game of 3D chess Spock played on Enterprise rec deck

• Hap Hazard would be a great name for a Hollywood stunt man

• Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to be forever berated over their failure by those of us who do.

• Scientists who declare matter cannot be created nor destroyed have never observed a bar of soap in a shower.

• I swore it wouldn't happen. I was wrong. Today, I thought I was being witty when I asked someone "What's in your wallet?"

• I wonder if when surprised by something on-line Satan worshippers instinctively type, "OMD!"

• Chickens have breasts. Women have breasts. Women have nipples. Do chicken have nipples? Are chicken nipples some kind of delicacy?

• I’m surprised no one’s developed a bacon perfume for women. I’m sure men would find those wearing “Eau de Bacon” irresistible.

• I dreamed last night I was Chris Rock and slept funny.

• Mylie's tongue is a marvel. It’s long and curvy and in contrast to Cyrus herself appears to have a mind of its own.

• I'm ashamed to admit it, and I'm not even sure if it's possible for a fella, but I've spent the day trying to twerk like Mylie.

• I'd engage in more illicit behavior guaranteed to make tongues wag if someone could assure me I'd get to see tongues actually wag.

• Romantic trees can never be accused of being "too sappy."

Dining on dinos to end world hunger

I was at a professional dinner recently seated with three women, all avid travelers, who were sharing stories about the most exotic meals they’d ever consumed.

That meant my role was to sit there biting on my spoon with sufficient force to ensure that neither food nor stupid observations would spill from my mouth.

Of course, I couldn’t help myself. I made about four offbeat observations that left the ladies looking at me the way cows look at passing trains.

I’m fascinated by global eating habits. What on this continent is revered as delicacy is over on that one reviled as repugnant. People cuddle dogs over here while over there they think nothing of tossing them in the wok with rice, carrots and bok choy.

I judge not.

I understand we’re running out of food and believe we’ll all need to alter our diets to meet rising demands. Who knows? Maybe one day we’ll be getting our roughage from things like tree bark.

I have to imagine that would clean out the system more effectively than iceberg lettuce.

It might even become a delicacy. Fancy restaurants might serve things like dogwood salad -- and wouldn’t that bark have some bite!

One woman said a language misunderstanding once tricked her into eating squid. This was repulsive to her, she said, because she was a great admirer of the squid.

I told her I admired Benjamin Franklin, Mark Twain and Bugs Bunny.

She said squid is more intelligent than dolphin. She saw a documentary that showed a squid reach way around and with one of its eight arms and give an unsuspecting shrimp a distracting tap on the opposite shrimpy shoulder.

I told her I’d seen Moe pull a similar trick on Curly. I asked if she thought that’s where the squid had seen it. Now, that would have been evidence of true intelligence.

She ignored me.

“When the shrimp looked the other way, the squid seized it and ate it!”

She was confusing intelligence with treachery. There are multi-million dollar international bounties on the heads of notorious outlaws who use similar tactics.

One woman startled the table when she said she’d once eaten cat brains.

“That’s disgusting!” said the squid lover. “How could anyone do that to a cat?”

“Bullshit,” I blurted out. “Cats don’t have brains.”

Turns out we’d misheard her. She’d said calf brains.

The women asked about the texture, how it tasted and if the flavor’d been enhanced with French sea salt.

I asked if it cost more to dine on a smart calf brain than that of a dunce.

She pretended she didn’t hear me, but I thought it was a good question. Certainly, if given a choice, I’d pay more to eat the brain of Stephen Hawking over, say, Ashton Kutcher purely for health reasons.

No nutritionalist would advocate consuming something that’s been dead for so long.

I thought it was a great question and evidence that my brain should be worth more than hers.

As I mentioned, I was struggling to keep quiet, but the topic was so energizing it was hopeless, especially when talk turned to how to feed a world with exploding population.

That’s when I threw one of my big pet theories on the table. And I mean really big.

“World hunger will be eliminated,” I said, “in 20 years when scientists learn to farm dinosaurs.”

A typical sauropod, the largest animal ever to roam the earth, weighed up to 70 tons and on a football field could have its tail tip at midfield and its nose be breaching the goal line (dingbat on-field refs would still need to go to the replay booth to confirm its snout broke the plain).

Imagine the immensity.

Just one sauropod could feed a family of four for 123 years, provided the family had a freezer the size of your typical Chuck E. Cheese.

I chose the sauropod over the T-Rex for dietary reasons. Sauropods ate exclusively plants and other heart-healthy offerings while T-Rex ate things like, well, sauropods.

Of course, their diets were certainly better than ours, assuming things like Hershey bars and Big Macs were unavailable 140 million years ago.

Sadly, my grand theory was met by looks of stunned silence. It was clear they were intellectually incapable of grasping the genius of my idea.

Must not have eaten enough brain food.