"Breaking Bad" vs. "Sopranos," the winner is ...

“Breaking Bad” returns for its fifth season tonight and I wish I’d never started watching “Breaking Bad.”

It would be better if I would not have gotten into it until July 2013.

Then I could feast without interruption on the whole series the way Val and I have for the past seven months. It’s swamped our lives the way nothing has since the birth of our children, Josie and the little re-run.

Really good TV and parenting have much in common: You fret over their futures, plan your lives around them, and you want to share what you love about them with everyone in your life.

We show friends pictures of our children; we send them links to stories from critics about why our favorite shows should earn their devotion.

It’s certainly been that way with “Breaking Bad,” a show that had been on our radar screen since it started winning all those Emmys after its 2008 debut.

That happens with lots of shows. You hear the buzz, buy the hype and decide to bestow an hour a week for maybe 12 weeks in the hopes it’s a keeper.

And it rarely is.

I point to “Lost,” a show with many cult-like devotees for reasons I understand. I was into it for the first two seasons then got bored with the absurd plot deviations and infuriating contrivances too numerous to name.

But it was a quality show, rich with compelling characters and stories, and I appreciated how the producers were setting the creativity bar high.

Still, experience had made me weary on January 1st when Val suggested we pop in the “Breaking Bad” season one DVD she’d picked up at the library. Here’s what I wrote about that day, my greatest TV viewing day ever, and my viewing habits.

Within 10 minutes, we were enthralled, an emotion that has only accelerated as we plowed through the first four seasons.

There’s never been a show as compelling, and that includes the now inferior “Sopranos.”

“Walter White makes Tony Soprano look like Mister Rogers.”

I’d source that line if my wife could could remember where she heard it. She’s consumed with reading everything she can about “Breaking Bad” as it resumes tonight on AMC, increasingly the best network on TV.

The more I watch “Breaking Bad,” the more impatient I get with people who, like I once did, say “The Sopranos” is the best show ever.

First of all, the Sopranos was maybe the stingiest hit show in television history. Here are the numbers: Six seasons, 86 episodes, 8 years -- an average of 10 slim hours a year. Sometimes more than 18 months would elapse between episodes. It was infuriating.

Supporters said the show was so creative they needed long lag time to allow their genius to flourish.

Hogwash.

The most creative show in television history is “The Twilight Zone.” It was on for five seasons, produced 156 wildly diverse episodes over five years.

The accolades seemed to allow creator David Chase to feel conventional storytelling didn’t apply to him. During his endless breaks, once vital characters would disappear and others would emerge without introduction.

It was very disconcerting.

Then there was Dr. Melfi. A great plot device in the pilot, she became a real drag on the show -- especially when they built episodes around her whiny neediness.

She’d be on a colleague’s psychiatric couch weeping to her nerdy shrink (Peter Bogdanovich) about her conflicting feelings over Tony and I’d be sitting there praying Furio would bust in the room beat both of them senseless with a tire iron.

Its greatest offense, of course, was the historically insulting conclusion, one so bad it made the much-criticized finale of “Seinfeld” seem bold.

James Gandolfini recently said his reaction to reading the last page of the show’s final script was, “WTF?”

I’ve never once found myself feeling impatient or critical of any aspect of “Breaking Bad.” Every scene, every character, every plot device rivets.

We had dinner with some friends Saturday to talk about the show’s return. He’s nurtured us through the series he started watching on Day 1.

He envies the way we’ve been able to gorge on the show and tells people who’ve never seen it to wait until the show’s conclusion and stock your house like you’re preparing for a nuclear winter.

“Then just watch it from beginning to end over three days.”

His idea sounds to me like TV nirvana.

With each plot twist we’d touch base with him to rehash the grim twists, hilarious betrayals and pending menace.

We’d tell him we couldn’t see how the show could sustain its greatness.

“You wait,” he’d always say with a knowing laugh. “You just wait.”

“Breaking Bad” returns tonight.

We just can’t wait.

Earthly concerns

I hate to sound like a doomsday alarmist here, but is there a chance the earth will deflate if we don’t cap the Deepwater Horizon soon?


Really, I can’t think of anything that gets punctured and begins ceaselessly gushing vital fluids that doesn’t go vvvfffftt.

It happens with gunshot victims, faulty waterbeds and certainly with balloons.

Understand, I don’t think the earth is going pop. That’s silly.

My fear is it’s going to scoot merrily around the solar system the way balloons do when you blow one up to near capacity and just let the thing go. What follows is about .8 seconds of magnificent chaos.

That would, of course, be cataclysmic if it happened to earth, but no one can dispute it would be great fun to watch from some safe moon perch.

I look to inner Earth to solve many of man’s problems, not create more of them.

Really, space isn’t the final frontier. Been there. Done that.

But how much do we know about the enormous mass just beneath our feet? It’s mostly scientific speculation. No one’s seen it. There’s no spelunking equivalent to Lewis & Clark who’ve boldly gone and explored more than a couple thousand feet or so.

Who knew there was so much oil? The gulf catastrophe is the result of a break in a pipe that is a mere 6.625 inches wide. Yet 800,000 gallons a day are spewing into the gulf. There’s no end in sight.

And there are thousands of wells just like it in the gulf alone

It’s like some pimply kid popped one zit and the thing turned into a disgusting geyser no one can stop -- and, boy, does that example bring back memories. It happened to me every year the day before it was customary to start asking for prom dates.

Just how much oil is down there?

And what else is down there?

I’ve heard that there is only enough oil to last another 120 years or so, but it seems like there’s enough oil to last until man renders the planet uninhabitable, something we’re on pace to achieve in about 15 years.

Don’t get me wrong. When it comes to advocating alternative fuels, the Jolly Green Giant isn’t as green as me (or as jolly).

Our addiction to oil is poisoning the planet and makes a folly of any sensible U.S. foreign policy. It’s the culprit behind the melting polar caps and rising oceans.

Here, again, I look to the earth for a solution. I’ve always believed there has to be some kind of undiscovered drain in each of the oceans.

Fundamentalists and atheists can agree that no one in a world that makes any sense would create bodies of water as enormous as oceans without including some sort of drain.

I figure we’ll find it just as the waters start to crest above the nose on the Statue of Liberty. But, clearly, there has to be a drain somewhere to let a little water out when things get too full.

Failing to include a drain would be as stupid as digging dangerous wells a mile below the surface of the sea and not installing a series of fool proof failsafes that would prevent an oil spill in the event of a disaster.

That would be ridiculous.

My drain theory got a big boost last week when the loony show “Lost” came to its dizzy conclusion.

I wisely opted out after the show’s second season, but my wife was hooked even as the baffling show infuriated her right up to the very end.

I asked her about the finale.

“Well, a bunch of stuff happened, the people on the island all got together and one guy saved the planet.”

Sounds like a pretentious sort of “Gilligan’s Island.” How’d the guy save the planet?

“Oh, there was some plug he needed to put in to keep all the bad stuff from coming out.”

Eureka! Somebody needs to tell BP engineers to get “Lost!”

I just wish someone would have told them that when they assured everyone their deep water drilling techniques were perfectly safe.