My 25 top tweets

This morning I posted my 250th tweet since signing up on January 8. Know what that means?

I now have more than enough to go back and rerun posts that people forgot seconds after they read them months ago.

That news will be of microscopic consequence to the 46 people who follow my tweets like this: “How do people from Wyoming, our most geographically square state, ever manage to think outside the box?” (Jan. 12).

I like to think my followers lapsed into a collective stupor when I challenged them with that profundity, but I doubt any one of them will recognize the retread.

Twitter is a splendid training ground for anyone who aspires to write for fortune cookies.

I’ve always considered it a farm team for my blog posts. Sometimes a single 140-character tweet will inspire an entire 750-word post.

That’s what happened with this one from January 18: “I have about the same interest in learning speed reading as I do in learning speed sex.”

If I haven’t forgotten it next Easter, like I did this past Easter, I plan to write something based on this little nugget: “If chickens ever start laying Cadbury eggs I'm becoming a chicken farmer.”

Whimsical, yet true! Cadbury eggs are delicious.

Admittedly, 46 followers shows what an appalling waste of time Twitter is for unknown deadbeats like me. Still, 46 is more than will fit around the bar where I refresh myself and test drive many of the lines that wind up as tweets.

Some twitizens stick to one field, say, baseball or gardening. Me, I’m all over the map.

I’ve been political: “Can we all agree that calling something ‘gubernatorial’ is demeaning to any high office that isn't contested in elementary school?” (June 2)

I’ve been biological: “Molar, bicuspid and uvula are words of mouth.” (May 18)

I’ve been historical: “Grace Slick is a direct descendant of Mayflower pilgrims and the first person to say the word "motherf****r" on live TV in 1969.” (May 2)

I’ve been topical: “Imagine, right now some woman's trying to fix her friend up saying, "He's charming! He's funny! He can dance!" And the guy is Larry King.” (May 18)

I’ve been grammatical: “People are going overboard with exclamation points! It's punctuation’s whoopee cushion!! And I don't like it!!! Not one little bit!!!!” (April 5)

I’ve been philosophical: “The only time bitch, bitch, bitch is ever any good is if you're running a dog grooming business and you need a fast buck.” (April 16)

And I’ve been wonder-ful: “I wonder if life is really like those two or three hours we all have to kill while the hotel gets our room ready for the 3 o'clock check in.” (June 23)

“1984 author George Orwell (1903-50) had two little sisters. I wonder if the gals complained that Orwell was a tyrannical big brother.” (June 20)

“I wonder if God has a spam filter to screen out some of my sillier prayers like when I'm standing over a difficult par putt.” (June 9)

“I wonder if the adult film industry is resentful that a guy named Andy Roddick isn’t a porn star.” (May 2)

It seems like every fifth tweet or so is wondering about something. I can only hope all that wondering adds up to something collectively wonderful.

I think what I’ll do in the next week or so is ruthlessly delete dozens of weaker tweets in an effort to keep the homepage as spare and honed as possible.

Afterall, brevity is the soul of twitter.

Here are 25 of my favorites:


“People who refuse straws do not suck.” (January 18)

“I'd like to see each World Cup match end in a nil-nil tie and then witness Nelson Mandela draw the winner's name out of a hat.” (June 12)


“How can champion water skiers practice? Dry runs for them are impossible.” (June 3)

“Larry King at 76 interviewing Mick Jagger at 67 makes Mick seem 35 and Larry seem 98.” (May 18)


“Only solution to Gulf crisis is to teach fish to eat and enjoy crude oil. Can't be harder than teaching 4 yr old to do same w/ vegetables.” (May 18)


“It's a mystery why anyone would opt for Oreos over Double Stuffed Oreos. It'd be like choosing to watch a skit featuring The Two Stooges.” (May 16)


“I think this gulf catastrophe would be working out differently if Jed Clampett was still involved in the oil industry.” (May 5)


“We could eliminate both obesity and starvation in one fell swoop if everyone, everywhere would agree to eat just two meals a day.” (May 3)

“After latest 17-3 drubbing, ESPN says "the Milwaukee Brewers own the Pirates." It's gotta be better than being owned by Bob Nutting.” (April 27)


“Chefs with rashes are the best at cooking from scratch.” (April 20)


“Time bomb makes no sense. It should be timed bomb. A time bomb might have its advantages and could delay aging.” (April 14)


“Should know better but when I'm alone in a room with what is described as a magic marker, I still try and use it to turn chairs into gold.” (March 29)


“Just started reading Grisham's ‘Innocent Man.’ So far, it's nothing at all like Billy Joel's "Innocent Man." (March 25)


“In ‘Wizard of Oz,’ the role of ‘Toto’ was played by a dog named "Toto." Coincidence or just really expert casting? (March 24)

“Just learned Ernie Borgnine is 92. Know what that means? Pretty soon we're going to need an Ernie Borgten.” (March 11)


“If I were a heroic crime fighter, I'd love to have Super Vision. But as a regular guy, I hate any supervision. Can't stand it.” (March 6)


“The tragedy at SeaWorld is bound to give killer whales a really bad name.” (February 25)


“Angry enough about forecast of heavy new snows to consider storming the Weather Channel, but realize that would be redundant.” (February 24)


“One day soon cell phones will be used to cure the cancers they cause.” (February 17)


“People say 'the mind boggles' like it's a rarity. Most minds do more boggling than they do thinking.” (February 17)


“If someone who feasts on human flesh is a cannibal, should some who eats just a wee bit be called a cannibbler?” (February 4)


“Stuck listening to Radio Disney. Nobody should be allowed to make any music until they're mature enough to have to shave something.” (January 30)


“I'm thinking of getting a $75 tattoo of an $18,000 Rolex for my left wrist.” (January 26)

“I like to think eager and optimistic agents in crime labs pass the time singing, ‘Some Day My Prints Will Come!’ (January 26)


“During all my typing commotion, my left thumb never even hits the space bar. When it comes to typing, my left thumb never lifts a finger.” (January 25)


“A single splash of water killed the Wicked Witch of the West. Logical conclusion: Not only was she evil, she also reeked.” (January 23)

J-students quiz Christ

I feel it’s my duty to singlehandedly save journalism from boring the rest of us to death. I do so 15 students at a time at Point Park University in Pittsburgh where every other year it’s become my privilege to teach grad students creative non-fiction.

I realized the future of journalism was at stake several years ago when I asked the class to conduct Q&As with someone interesting in their lives, someone capable of drawing compelling interest from strangers

The results made me furious.

They asked self-centered friends what makes them cool, why their hair always looks so fabulous and how they overcome hangovers.

With the exception of the kid who asked detailed questions about hangover cures, I flunked them all (some of the kid’s tips actually worked).

Was this how they intended to entertain and enlighten busy news consumers? I needed to come up with way to get them to ask tough questions that will yield revealing answers.

So I decided to have them pose hypothetical questions with three celebrity subjects who’ve been relentlessly grilled about their personal lives and their thoughts about important issues.

The subjects?

Mick Jagger, Gwyneth Paltrow and Jesus Christ.

For Jagger, some asked what his grandchildren call him and if he ever makes fun of Keith Richard’s amplified mumblings behind his back.

They posed questions of Paltrow about her marriage to Coldplay frontman Chris Martin, their daughter Apple, and if they had plans to name any subsequent children after tree fruit.

But it was the questions for Christ -- some playful, others seething -- that were so riveting I include a version of the drill every year. It serves an educational purpose that goes beyond where you're supposed to put all the commas.

Here are some of my favorites from a group I admire as a bright and creative bunch. I think they could right now could give the King of Kings a better grilling that the ones scandal-plagued celebs get from renown softballer Larry King.

Check ‘em out:

• When a bell rings does an angel really get its wings?

• What is your contact information and have you been getting your messages?

• Is there a basis of severity for fulfilling prayers? I mean, is there a keyword you’re looking for?

• What would Jesus do?

• What do you do for recreation in heaven?

• If you had a driver’s license printed, what variation of your name would you use? What about address?

• As a bastard son, do you resent that your birth father wasn’t around more?

• After your resurrection, how did you get past the stigma of, well, how do I put this gently . . . being a zombie? Is that the real reason you ascended to heaven?

• I’ve broken seven of the 10 commandments. What are my chances of getting into heaven?

• Will there be a time when Miss America contestants cannot use “world peace” as an answer?

• What does your business card say?

• What have you learned about choosing friends more carefully since that Judas situation?

• Who really killed Kennedy?

• Can you tell us what’s at the edge of the universe?

• How did Noah handle the woodpeckers on the ark?

• Mac or Windows?

• Loved that whole water into wine thing. Would you like to come to a party I’m having?

• If only those who believe that you are savior can get into Heaven, then technically wouldn’t Hitler go to heaven and Ghandi to hell?

• If you competed in the 2010 Olympic Winter Games, what country would you represent?

• Why do you permit so much senseless killing in your name?

• Which came first: the chicken or the egg?

• Of all the well-known public figures from the past 200 years, who best exemplifies your ideal way of life?

• How do you justify all the tragedies/natural disasters/accidents that cause so many people to question your existence?

• What do souls look like?

I close with a recollection of what is still my favorite question to Jesus from an aspiring journalist in a professional setting.

“So, Jesus, how are things with your father?

I like how it establishes a nice, friendly rapport, while still offering the subject an opportunity to make real news.


And it’s friendly enough that it doesn’t put the subject on guard for all the really tough questions that are sure to come later.