"Trouble with the Curve?" Trouble w/ the critics

823 words

Something happened last week I didn’t think would ever happen in more than 40 years of avid moviegoing.

I walked into a Clint Eastwood movie expecting to be disappointed.

Our nation’s critics warned me about “Trouble with the Curve.” They said it was stupid. Said it was boring. Corny, they said.

The critic round-up site RottenTomatoes.com gave it a lukewarm 54 percent, meaning just over half our nation’s critics said it was worth viewing.

Typical was this slam by Miami Herald critic Connie Ogle: “Nobody would pay much attention to this plodding, but good-hearted movie if not for its star, Clint Eastwood, although he’s just dialing in his Cantankerous Old Man mode on which he has relied for a decade or so.”

I usually reject any movie that rates below 75 percent. My time and money are just too important. But it was Clint Eastwood and it was a baseball movie and me and my darling 12-year-old companion bond over baseball. 

Still, the reviews were scathing enough I felt it fair to warn junior, “Look, this might suck. But I can promise you’ll hear at least a few words you’d get in trouble for saying in school, you can go crazy at the concession stand, and there’s a chance you’ll get a really quick peek at Justin Timberlake’s bare butt.”

She gave my proposal two big thumbs up and away we went.

Allow me to paraphrase her capsule review: “Lots of great swearing! I love Amy Adams! The baseball stuff was fun! Timberlake was wearing underwear when he jumped into the lake, but I had a great time with my Dad!”

Indeed, we did.

Like baseball itself, this movie was a very pleasant pastime, a wonderful way to while away an afternoon.

I came out of it wondering why it got such lukewarm reviews, especially amidst the enormous piles of crap Hollywood foists anew on us each week.

Could it have been Eastwood’s unconventional convention speech, as some have speculated? 

And now I’ve spent the better part of a week wondering why critics think the way they do.

Movie critic is the one job everyone thinks they’re qualified to do and the job most everyone wants.

It just seems so cool. You get paid to watch movies. You help steer pop culture. It’s prestigious. You gorge on cancer-causing popcorn three times a day.

I believe the reality is different because movies today really, really suck.

When people say they dream of being a movie critic, what they really dream of is being a critic of mostly good movies. So they want to see maybe one out of every 20 movies most real critics see.

That means for every “Looper” there are 15 movies produced by or starring someone in the Will Farrell/Adam Sandler/Judd Apatow axis of entertainment evil.

And a critic has to slog through them all.

Imagine what that would do to a person. 

It still doesn’t explain the lousy Eastwood reviews.

It’s amazing this great American icon is now considered divisive.

He did the Super Bowl halftime ad that said America was coming back and Republicans hated him. He did a baffling GOP convention speech with an empty chair and Democrats said he was a buffoon.

And he releases a warm, entertaining baseball movie and he’s struggling to fill seats.

Here’s what I think:

Our politics aside, I’ll always love Clint. And I’ll always do my part to ensure mine is one chair he can address that’ll never be empty.

As everyone’s a critic, here are my capsule reviews on some recent movies we’ve seen:

“Looper” -- We love Joseph Gordon-Levitt and this was a dandy time travel adventure. My wife contends the central message is if you do engage in time travel, be very careful about with whom you sleep. Some plot confusion and would have been better if it was 20 minutes shorter.

“Dark Knight” -- Liked it, but I’m inundated with so much senseless violence in real life that importing it for entertainment purposes fatigues me. But it is my favorite Batman. Some plot confusion and would have been better if it was 20 minutes shorter.

“Finding Nemo” (3D) -- This is an outstanding movie I’ve seen about 300 times. But it’s a family favorite and it was Josie’s wish to see it in 3D for her birthday. The technology adds nothing to it and the glasses always pinch my nose. I hope we get over our latest “Avatar”-inspired 3D infatuation because 3D sucks. Some plot confusion and would have been better if it was 20 minutes shorter.

“Warrior” -- A renter from 2011, this one’s about two brothers who face off in a mixed martial arts championship. Val loved it. I thought the plot was a little confusing and it would have been better if it was about 20 minutes shorter.

Today’s blog -- Some plot confusion and would have been better if it was 200 words shorter.

Related . . .

• Oscars bore, movies suck

• Fall ’11 movies & Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Blog coming attractions

During the week I’ve been away, I’ve posted just two blogs and fulfilled not a single professional obligation that could lead to wages.

Yet, to which endeavor do I feel the more pressing obligation?

Yes, blog on! Ignore the logical pursuit of income in favor of all the freebie fun here at www.EightDaysToAmish.com!

Heck, I’m so near to Amish these days it’d be prudent if I spent the whole time making batches of candles for when they come to shut off the lights.

Being away on my golf trip to the Gulf Coast (in fact, it was an assignment), fills my blog dance card with plenty of story options, but precious little time to write them.

As I’m off my near-daily routine, I suspect you may be, too. So instead of plunging back in with something topical and, perhaps, heavy with thought, I figured it’d be best to present you with a slate of coming attractions.

• “Return of the Panic Attacks” -- About 10 years ago I began disappointing myself by having mild panic attacks on airplanes. As I hope you’ll see, they didn’t stem from an irrational fear of flying. They stemmed from an irrational fear of being crammed together with so many other people who fly. It happened momentarily again on the packed flight to Houston, no one noticed it and I was able to overcome it without alcoholic assistance. But I think you’ll find it interesting. I know I do. Starring Jimmy Stewart.

• “My New Friend Dated the Houston Weather Girl!” -- I met some really great folks on this trip, including a new buddy who told me about his adventures dating Local Weather Girl. And guess what? She was an awful bitch who didn’t like The Beatles. The Beatles! This screw-ball romcom promises high-pressure fun when a sunshine guy collides with a storm system that leaves destruction in its blond wake.

• “I Don’t Gamble” -- Actually, that title’s misleading. I may have spent the last seven days in some of the finest casinos east of the Mississippi River, but I didn’t wager a dime. I contend my entire life as a freelancer is a higher stakes wager than anything you can bet in a casino. Starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt as the hapless freelancer who rolls the dice on life, this one got raves at Sundance.

• “American Skin (41 Shots)” -- Geez, am I finding lots of reasons to include Springsteen mentions in my stories these days. The Trayvon Martin story was coming to a boil while I was in a region of America that has struggled with race relations to often horrific results. Commentators are saying what happened on a well-armed neighborhood watch in Sanford, Florida, is stirring a national conversation about race relations. I can think of one voice absent from the discussion. That would be Trayvon’s. Recommended for mature audiences only.

• “9 Downing Street” -- I’ve just begun reading Adam Hochschild’s World War I book, “To End All Wars: A Story of Loyalty and Rebellion,” and was struck by references to one of the most famous addresses in the world, 10 Downing Street, home of the British prime minister. It seems so perfectly ordinary, it got me wondering about who dwelt in 1-9 Downing Street and if there was a pub on the corner or perhaps a laundromat. This straight-to-video mockumentary stars the voice of Michael Moore.

Those are just a few of the topics I hope to tackle over the next few days. As always, I’m grateful to anyone who reads this stuff and takes the time to share it with friends. The enthusiasm I hear for it blows me away.

I’ll be posting a Twitter round-up later today as a small gesture for having been away for so long.

That means there’s plenty of time for you to stretch your legs before the feature begins.

So let’s all go to the lobby! Let’s all go to the lobby! Let’s all go to the lobby and have ourselves some snacks!

Because that’s entertainment.

Fall movie potentials & Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Val and I and just caught the matinee of “50/50,” starring one of my four favorite actors, Joseph Gordon-Levitt. The other three are John Lithgow, French Stewart and Kristen Johnson.

That’s right. They’re the four stars of the uproarious “3rd Rock From The Sun” that ran on NBC from 1996-2002. Read all about my obsession with it here.

About five years ago when I was on a lucrative run of work, I decided on a crazy splurge.

If you’re guessing sports car, golf clubs or Vegas hooker you overestimate my ability to fund a crazy splurge.

No, I went and plunked down $108 for the complete DVD catalogue of the entire series. I intend to leave it as heirloom entertainment to my daughters and will know I’ve raised them well if they become estranged over who gets caretaker privileges.

Each cast member -- including Jane Curtain and Wayne “Newman!” Knight -- is uniformly excellent.

And none of the stars have done anything post-show to diminish my affections.

In fact, Johnston, a stunning, leggy blonde, just upped my admiration ante by getting in a fight on a commercial flight. Normally, I’d be chagrined at such mopish behavior but this was perfect because the fight was with . . .

Octomom!

Yes, she made tabloid headlines for getting into a shouting match with Nadya Suleman over having to share aisle time with her sprawling herd of runny-nosed rabble.

As great as each is, I think we’re witnessing something entirely different with Gordon-Levitt. He’s becoming one of our finest and most appealing actors. Starting with a role in Robert Redford’s 1992 hit “A River Runs Through It,” it seems like he’s been groomed for acting greatness.

His farcical acting in “3rd Rock” is as laugh-out-loud as funny as anything I’ve ever seen. He was great in “50/50,” in which he plays a 20-something character devastated by a cancer diagnosis.

We loved him in “500 Days of Summer,” and I’m looking forward to seeing him in the new Batman movie, “The Dark Knight Rises,” filmed here in Pittsburgh.

And now it’s like the world is discovering what “3rd Rock” fans have always known: This kid is special.

Confirmation for me happened a couple weeks ago when I read Gordon-Levitt is dating the beautiful and very cool Scarlett Johansson.

I’m rooting for him because actors interesting enough to make me want to see them in anything are becoming rare. They start out strong and make bad decisions or let their personal life so clutter their craft I find them unwatchable.

Here are some current and recent movies and why I will or will not pay to see them:

• J. Edgar -- Heck, I’ll see it on the day it opens. As great as Clint Eastwood was for his first 50 years, his second act is even more compelling with movies like “Gran Torino” and “Million Dollar Baby.” This one stars Leo DiCaprio, our best actors and one who hasn’t complicated my viewing enjoyment with off-screen shenanigans. Heck, I know more about his green initiatives than who he’s dating.

• Moneyball -- I’m leaning nope. Brad Pitt play a baseball general manager who helped revolutionize the way players are evaluated. But Pitt’s flamboyant personal life is making him too distracting to enjoy. Plus, I’m always disappointed in baseball movies ever since “The Bad News Bears.” It remains the “Gone With the Wind” of baseball flicks.

• Tower Heist -- Oh, how I hope this gets gangbuster reviews. I’m a sucker for funny caper movies. But Ben Stiller’s becoming hit and miss. For every “Meet The Parents” or “Night at the Museum” I love, there’s a “Meet The Fockers II, III and IV,” or “Another Night At The Museum.” I can only conclude his motivated more by greed than legacy. And Eddie Murphy’s probably made more bad movies than anyone else on the planet. But the plot looks irresistible. It looks like a rip-off of the short-lived, but terrific 2007 series “Knights of Prosperity” about a bumbling gang of thieves intent on burglarizing Mick Jagger and starring -- Mick Jagger! “Tower Heist” looks promising, but if Rotten Tomatoes comes back with less than 70 percent favorable, I’m staying home.

• Anonymous -- I’ve for years tried to promote the falsehood that historical documents prove William Shakespeare started out as a 16th century tabloid writer who did stories about towns saved by giant balls of twine and how puppy loved turned an 11-year-old peasant into a petty thief. I did so because I thought it would reflect well on me, a 20th century tabloid writer who once did the exact same stories. I say I’ll see it, but probably won’t unless word of mouth is gangbuster.

• The Rum Diary -- This looks like good alcoholic fun. I like seeing movies that make me want to rush off on a really wild bender. And I do like Johnny Depp.

• Puss in Boots -- One of my favorite hangover cures is seeing a really good kid matinee with my little cuddlers. It’s like taking a nap with your eyes open. But I absolutely hated all the Shrek movies. If the kids want to see this spin-off, they’ll have to have mommy take them. No hangover’s that bad.

• The Three Musketeers -- Nope.

• Real Steel -- Looks unwatchable. We’ve reached a stage where special effects are no longer special. Here’s an idea: Let’s go back to putting the premium of telling a coherent story.

• Dolphin Tale -- The kids loved this so much with Val they want me to see it with them so you betcha. Plus, the cast includes Kris Kristofferson so it’ll give me an opportunity to brainwash them on the way home with songs from a performer I’ve always admired. My favorite of his? “To Beat the Devil.”

• The Departed -- I have to mention this because we just stayed up till 1 p.m. last night re-watching this 2006 Martin Scorsese movie. Based on the duplicitous criminal life of recently nabbed Boston mobster Whitey Bulger, it won a host of Oscars. It includes some of the finest acting by some of our finest actors. It stars Jack Nicholson, DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Martin Sheen, Alec Baldwin and Vera Farmiga all at the top of their games.

Footloose -- I never saw the first one and won’t see this one. But I found out years later that John Lithgow played the maniacal anti-rock ‘n’ roll preacher in the first one and parodies the role in the “3rd Rock” season 3 show “Tricky Dick,” in which Tommy joins a grunge band. Rather than see either of them, I think I’ll pick a night and watch all of season 3 all over again!

Random thoughts on tears, guns and middle names

I’ve had this National Parks Service press release sitting on my desk since October 6. It says “Harry S Truman National Historic Site” to be profiled by the National Parks Getaway series.

Careful readers will notice what looks a typo. There is no period after the “S” in Harry S Truman.”

In fact, there is no period after the “S” in Harry S Truman.”

His middle name is S.

Er, I mean his middle name is S

It’s the kind of thing I keep on my desk for a long time hoping one day -- Eureeka! -- inspiration will strike and I’ll be able to write about why Harry Truman has a middle initial but not a middle name. Turns out it was not uncommon for people of Scotch-Irish descent, a race known, not coincidentally, for thrift.

Alas, inspiration is proving evasive. The only thing I that leaps to my mind anytime I see Harry S Truman is that it must sound like, well, hairy ass Truman.

“Here comes that hairy ass Truman.”

So since I can’t come up with a whole idea based on presidential middle names that must mean it’s time to clean up the desk of the little idea scraps that aren’t growing into anything more substantial.

Yes, it’s time for a Lazy S Blog . . .

• My wife and I just enjoyed the delightful 2009 movie “500 Days of Summer,” starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt, one of our favorite young actors. We’ve loved him ever since he played Tommy in “Third Rock from the Sun,” the 1996-2001 absurdist sitcom starring John Lithgow.

The romantic comedy has a fantasy scene about how he feels the day after he and Summer, played by the winsome Zooey Deschanel, finally have at it. To the tune of the bouncy 1984 Hall & Oates song, “You Make My Dreams Come True,” it shows him sauntering down the street to increasingly exuberant greetings. Strangers smile at him, shake his hand, chest bump, boogie down, and lift him atop their shoulders as a marching band appears to accompany the spontaneous good feeling fest. Finally, an animated blue bird lands on his shoulder and tweets a happy hello to a young man enraptured by love. We showed the clip to our 10-year-old and said, “This is what love feels like.” Can’t wait to show her the whole movie with all the dirty talk and innuendo when she’s old enough to understand it. The daddy in me hopes that won’t be until the year 2024.

• As a young reporter, I’d nearly died of boredom in thousands of school board meetings, but never of multiple gun shot wounds. The video of the scene in Florida is breathtaking. What a story. Of course, I’m waiting for the inevitable arguments about how a guy that violent, that crazy, had easy access to a semi-automatic weapon, and how it was a good thing a security guard had his lethal ventilator concealed under his jacket. I’m glad the NRA will be available to explain it all to me.

• I could write a lot about John Boehner’s blubbering, but that’s been done to death. Me, I shed a lot of tears for a lot of odd reasons, but I’d never blubber on 60 Minutes where decorum calls us all to be as stoic as Clint Eastwood at an outlaw’s hanging. Still, we should all be galled by the double standard exposed by Boehner’s maudlin tears. Nancy Pelosi would be pilloried for weeping, and any male Democrat who acted like Boehner would be lambasted by Fox as a posy-sniffing pansy.

• In the interests of healing bi-partisanship, I hope in 2011 some legislation involving abandoned puppies moves Boehner so deeply he runs to the ample lap of colleague Barney Frank and cuddles in for a good, long cry.

• This may surprise readers familiar with my lefty politics, but I like John Boehner, tears and all. He smokes and was raised by a man who ran a tavern. He strikes me as a practical, reasonable man who looks at morality crusaders like Sarah Palin and thinks, WTF? Unlike Newt Gingrich, Tom Delay, Rick Santorum, etc., if Boehner called me to play golf and then spend the night getting loaded and talking about the great movies that make us both cry, I’d accept.

• Clay Duke, the Florida school board shooter, is being described as a troubled, broke, ex-con with bi-polar disorder and an interest in anarchy. And I’ll bet that’s exactly what he put on the gun permit application.

 • It would be fun to see what outlandish and violent intentions you could include on a gun permit application and -- hey! here you go! -- still get a gun.

• I remain tickled by the information revealed on the stats page at my home blog. It fascinates me how many people from all over the world read my blog. After the homeland (USA! USA!), the second most readers are still in Denmark -- and I’m becoming daily more fond of the Danes. They are followed by Canada, U.K., Brazil, Russia, France and readers in more than 43 countries. Amazing. Thanks! 

• My favorite fact from the stats page? On Thanksgiving Day, four people from Turkey woke up and started reading www.EightDaysToAmish.com. If linking a day when Americans consume millions of turkeys to people who live in a country named Turkey is insulting, I apologize.

• My most faithful reader, however, may be a South Korean. The instant I post this, the page shows that someone in South Korea will start reading it with the way someone races to the mailbox for money. I know nothing about this person, but I think about them just about every time I sit down to write one of these. Thank you, my distant friend.

• I cry at the end of “Big Fish,” “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest,” “Saving Private Ryan,” “Mister Roberts” and during the scene where Rocky makes up with the Mick to heal his breaking heart. I’m not sure why, but I sometimes cry at the end of “The Man Who Shot Liberty Valence.” Please don’t tell Leslie Stahl.

• I’m in the middle of a really nice run of stories for msnbc.com. None have been more gratifying than the reaction to the one about the Jimmy Stewart Museum needing a George Bailey moment. I don’t know how much money has been raised, but it’s likely to be enough to make a difference. Following up on my story, NBC Nightly News sent a reporter to do a nice segment that ran last week. Things like that make me feel like one day I might earn my wings.

• Maybe my fascination with middle names stems from envy. Neither my brother nor I have them. It’s true, our parents hated their middle names (Russell/Mae) so much they didn’t want to burden us with them. It’s maybe the only way these two loving people with odd aversions to perfectly normal middle names ever neglected their sons. Oh, well. It’s nothing worth crying about.