We’ll soon be hearing about lots of Olympians competing with guts and heart. If I had my way, there’d be an Olympics where the guts and hearts, etc. were the actual competitors.
I’m suggesting an Olympics to which we can all relate. I’m talking one that gives the gold medal for things like marathon bladder control, highest blood pressure and for overcoming daily grooming frustrations.
I’m suggesting it’s time for the Bodily Functions Olympics (check your local listings).
So many Olympic events are about elements you and I lack. We’re not muscular enough to lift weights.We’re not agile enough to figure skate. And we’re not insane enough to do one of those ski jumps that lead to the agony of defeat.
Few of us can relate.
But everyone of us has a bladder that bosses us around. Every one is exposed to events that raise the blood pressure. And we’re sooner or later prone to sneezing fits that strike with the force and recoil of a full body orgasm
Thus, BFO will be the people’s Olympics
Now let’s get this out of the way right up front. The BFO will not involve anything icky.
No bowel movements. No booger farming. No spurting reproductive organs.
Those niche kinds of competitions are like the ones the gnarly surfer dudes play under the X Games brand.
The BFO will ignore what could, I guess, be called the XXX Games.
But the BFO will always keep it classy — with one exception.
The BFO will include farts.
So many of the events will be universally engaging.
Just think about how gripping the Men’s Highest Blood Pressure event will be.
I can pick 10 frontrunners just from my local bar who daily confront high blood pressure and all its native provocations.
They percolate along at a resting rate of, oh, 210/140 (normal is in the neighborhood of 110/75).
But there is a visible spike when say, the bartender appears to be dawdling, the smashed burger’s been overly smashed to smithereens, or someone mentions that coach Mike Tomlin might return
Participants will be permitted to have a nagging spouse on-site to really get the ‘ol blood boiling.
I believe the Fastest Facial Hair Growth event would lead to great ratings.
“Watching hair grow” may not seem like anyone’s idea of compelling viewing, but it has the potential to be a breakout sport— like curling!
It would begin with a gentleman barber applying the shaving lotion. We’d get to know him as the shave continues.
But the real fun will begin when they cut back to each contestant and show time-lapse recordings of the hirsute men sprouting their beards.
I have high hopes for Men and Women’s Power Sneeze competition. This comes to me from a story I saw years ago in the reliably entertaining, Weekly World News, purveyors of the memorable story, “Baby Born With Wooden Leg!”
This one was more grounded: “Wife leaves husband of 33 years after his 132-mph sneeze blows off half her hair!”
Gesundheit!
Bladder Capacity Marathon will see who can go the longest without urinating. Each participant will be given a quart of water every 30 minutes. Judges will be on hand to score the freestyle dance moves each participant comes up with as each strains the seal as the bladder screams for release.
Lastly, and this is bound to be controversial to some, but the BFO is going to need a few good farts.
Someday I’ll share the story of Le Petomane (pictured above, real name Josef Pujols, pronounced POO-holes, of course), a French performer from the late 1800’s whose whole act was based on his ability to control at will the force and pitch of his flatulence. As one reviewer wrote:
“Le Petomane’s unique ability to control and stylize his farts offered a style of comedy that transcended age, race, gender and time.”
It was said he could extinguish a flaming candle from 10 feet away — with his back turned toward the candle.
I envision throngs of people crowding the host city with dreams of playing an historic role in the inaugural BFOs.
So, clearly, we’ll need a whole squad of La Petomanes
Not to compete.
They’ll be there for crowd dispersal.
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