Remember when tweets used to be limited to 140 characters. Some of these are 140 words. I like being free to write what I feel but we're missing something. Not much, but something ...
Enjoy your weekend!
• Was looking forward to a rare night at home with just me and soon-to-be graduate when plans abruptly changed. It was not to be. So I was surprised to see her walking through the door asking me if I still had some grilled steak left. I did. She sat with me for 10 minutes saying how good each bite was. I would certainly have understood if she'd been a no show. Instead, she slowed down and took the time to make me feel special. I'll remember that longer and more touchingly than if everything had gone as planned. There's a lesson in there: Those who go out of their way to make others feel special are the ones who become special.
• Our right brains are creative; left practical. I’ve made left brain decisions with the right and right brain decisions with the left with no thoughtful result. Some decisions seem to have been made fully left brain and some the reverse. I look back on many major decisions in my life think I on the big questions I was at the time utterly brainless. I guess things have worked out decently because I somehow maneuvered the questions into what you’d call no brainers. And I have the perfect thought capacity to handle big no brainers
• “History repeats itself” and so do pompous observers eager to appear wise by offering dandy bromides involving redundancy of times gone by instead of fresh insight.
• Given the number of horses who win “by a nose,” I predict enterprising breeders will soon focus on breeding horses with really, really long noses. Like noses as long as a horse! Imagine the finish line advantages.
• Scientists who declare Earth is 4.5 billion years old are way off. It’s not even 1.That’s because every year Earth goes through the same wild growth spurt where unruly vegetation grows in unusual places, things become annoyingly loud and the lawns need mowed every 2 days. Earth cannot age. It’s in perpetual puberty.
• I’m reluctant to wade into politics here, but yesterday’s trial left me confused. How does a woman who’s earned a living often on her knees or her back ever swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth while seated in a place called “the stand.”
• I need a car, but to afford a car I’d need to get a job and getting a job would cut into all the time I enjoy spent leaning against a bar. Solution! Enter one of those contests where whomever can touch or lean non-stop against the prize car longest gets to keep it. Sometimes it takes 3 straight days. Big whoop. I’ve been leaning against one bar or another for 4 straight decades. What’s truly amazing? Just two pee breaks.
• I’d rather be known as an offbeat writer with soft topics and little market penetration than one with hard topics and massive penetration. I guess it comes down to preferring to be an offbeat writer than being what I guess you could call a beatoff writer.
• I understand the comfort of believing Earth is flat but wonder about the whole package. For instance: What’s on the other side? Is it smooth? Convex? Or are there roots and shit?
• I’ve had some kind of spiced chicken everyday for the last week. Enough! I won’t take another bite. That’s right. I’m going cold turkey on hot chicken.
I know what some of you are thinking. You didn’t like that one. You’re thinking, “Fowl!”
• I caught myself mentally mocking a pear-shaped friend who claimed he spent an hour a day exercising and immediately felt shame. Who am I to judge? Me judging anyone is clearly a case of the pot (belly) calling the kettle (corn) black (velvet cake).
• I’ve long wondered how much more advanced humanity would be if we chose our partners based on shared interests rather than how nice one another’s butts look in tight jeans. Try this: Imagine how appealing you’d be to potential mates if they looked at you and saw only the textures of your brain. Alright, alright. Your brain in a Speedo.
• The internet has meant the demolition of permanence. Things we thought would be with us forever, they come and they go. Mark my words: In 10 years you’re going to say to some kid, “Let’s Google it” and the kid is going to say, “What’s google?” And you’ll feel yourself break out into a cold sweat when you realize your instinct is to google “Google.”
• We hear it sometimes in whispers, sometimes in shouts: “If you don’t make any money writing, why do it? Why? We write for all the times a reader will smile at us` for something we’ve written and the smile will be so soulful and warm you know instantly it’s genuine. It’s the smile of an innocent who entrusted you with her virginity and is now aglow with the realization that the condition was dispensed of with skill and enthusiasm. Who among us is so crass that we’d take money for the privilege of merely being chosen for the randy role? Not me!
• I’m becoming so consumed with word games when I see a name like Alan Alda my mind immediately begins to deconstruct it to see how many points I can get for alternatives, A LAND ALA … DALA LAN … NADAL LA …
• Golfing with John Rusbosin and friends. Will take full advantage of their good natures to play numerous practical jokes like exaggerating my back pain until one of them offers to tee my ball for me. I’ll gratefully thank them then spend the next two minutes watching them all hunched over and growing more and more exasperated as I say, “Higher … higher … Lower … Higher … Too high … Lower … Higher”
I never dreamed I’d miss an artist the way I miss Tom Petty, who’ll be gone 7 years in October. It was Petty who personified America’s love/hate relationship with recreational drugs. In the 2007 rockumentary, “Runnin’ Down A Dream,” Petty is asked about the drugs that killed friends and bandmates. Looking fittingly forlorn, Petty laments, “Drugs are just awful. They suck the souls out of people. Put a big pile of drugs in front of people and it just leads to ruin.” But then you see a mischievous glint in his eye and he leans forward and with a conspiratorial cackle asks the off-camera reporter, “You don’t happen to have any drugs, do you?” So, of course, he died at the age of 66 of — wait for it — an accidental drug overdose! It’s ever since been my custom to end all family dinner prayers with, “… and please, God, be sure to tell Tom Petty we really miss him.” Amen
I’m fed up with the grinding tedium of grooming my finger and toe nails roughly every three weeks. It often takes me more than 20 minutes to maintain proper length. That’s 20 minutes of bending, leaning and writhing like a contortionist to get the job done. No more. Instead of doing them all at once as of today I will do just one toe or finger every day for 3 weeks or 21 days. Because I only have 20 tiny toe and finger nails and it’ll be spread out over 21 days, I’m going to need a Leap Nail Day to keep the sessions in sync. On that day, I’ll post here on Facebook that I’ll be available to trim one friend’s nail. Now, I’m sure I can get a nail, but just who is going to give me the finger? Anyone?
• I’m thinking I’m just not cut out to be the reclusive writer type. Why just the other day ‘i had an enterprising reader breach the compound guard walls, vault the moat, evade the rottweilers and knock on the front door of my house to buy 10 “Crayons!” books for future leaders. My response to this brazen invasion of my privacy? I said, “Sure you don’t wanna make it an even dozen!”
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