Oct. '23 Tweets-of the month 9er whatever the heck they're al-calling them these days"

 

• Men who fantasize about giving themselves oral sex are chasing pipe dream

• Engaging a popular search engine just to find out if some former child star or other B-list celebrity is still alive ought to be called, “Ghoul-gling"

• When I was a young heathen, I feared my choices meant I’d be going to Hell. How naive. I read the news and realize my foolishness. I’m not going to Hell. Hell’s coming to I’ve pondered the meaning of life. I’ve wondered what it all means. Today, I wrestle with a question more enigmatic than either. In order to uphold PC guidelines regarding gender designation, which pronouns should I use to refer to a man whose name is Ben Hur?•• 

• Our car horns today have two emotions: anger and recognition. I predict car horns of the future will be able to signal joy, commiseration, sullenness, consternation, euphoria and will prove so popular, some patient drivers will master the ability to play tunes to serenade other drivers stuck in massive traffic jams caused by drivers too distracted by their creativity to bother paying even momentary attention to what’s happening on the road.

• I was taught we’re all inhabitants of Planet Earth. But I took a good look around. What did I see? Over-crowded conditions. Cries of injustice. Unspeakable violence. Gangs rule. People who swear they don’t belong here. This isn’t a planet, it’s a prison. And we’re not inhabitants, we’re inmates. And we’re all born with life sentences. No escape. No parole. Now, I’m just doin’ my time, man. Just doin’ my time.

 • Calling money the root of all evil sells evil short. Money is the trunk, the bark, the branches, the buds, leaves and mother pollen of ALL evil. Given my understanding of this insidious truth makes what I’m about to ask all the more awkward. Uh, can you gimme some? I’ve been a little light lately, impoverished as I am by my fiscal purity.

• Doomsday AI report says in 15 years the technology will be the dominant force on the planet, impervious to even the most mighty armies. Most dominant? Don't believe it. There's no way they'll ever subdue the pickleballers.

• It'døIt's like the whole world is choking on a great big hate cookie so chunky there ain't no one with loving arms long enough to Heimlich the sucker loose.

• I’m not exactly bragging and I’d be mortified if it is brought up at my funeral, but more and more it’s looking like one of my life’s greatest achievements is I’ve never once dunked my phone in the toilet — and I drink a Lot of bourbon. Heck, I know some bourbon drinkers whose phones never leave the toilet.

 • We’re all at least a little leery of Artificial Intelligence, but I’d really like to see what the most advanced AI program comes up with after it’s been asked: “How do we end the Middle East wars?” I’ll be very disappointed if the AI answer is, “Kill everyone who disagrees with you.”

• Light pollution is becoming so glaring soon one of the major sources of light pollution will be from a vast earth-bound network of artificial lights  projected into the heavens and used to simulate what stars looked like before all this light pollution stole true starlight from the skies.

• I have a vague understanding that the phrase “the worm has turned” means things have changed. Given that, I wish I didn’t automatically begin hearing the GPS voice in my head saying that the worm is re-routing

• Telling a male contortionist to go eff himself is pointless. Your insult is their bucket-list. 

• How can we with a straight face allow a field of study known as “Political Science” be taught in schools when about 50 percent of the country supports a party that doesn’t believe in science. Politics, with its characters, plot twists, theatrics, etc. is more art than science. Of course, that same party burns books and sneers at art so what are you gonna do?

• Think you’re invested in the big game today? I foresee a day in the very near future where we’ll be glued to our sets watching armies of AI robots engineered to preserve humanity vs. armies of AI robots engineered to annihilate us. Incredibly with the stakes being what they are, the conflict will find time to televise a mind-numbing number of truck, beer & Male ED ads. “Here We Go, Robbies! Here We Go!” 

• Some people react to insult by responding in kind. Others resort to violence. These people say they don't get mad, they get even. What do I do?  I usually sneak up behind my antagonist and make goofy faces behind their backs. So I don't get mad. I don't get even.  I get oddSome people react to insult by responding in kind. Others resort to violence. These people say they don't get mad, they get even. What do I do?  I usually sneak up behind my antagonist and make goofy faces behind their backs. So I don't get mad. I don't get even.  I get odd.

• I’ll probably need ti have it explained to me by someone with puppets, but isn’t doing something “behind someone’s back” doing it to their front?

• Revenge, it is said, is a dish best served cold. And that’s the only thing revenge will ever have in common with ice cream.

• ˆI wonder if deer meteorologists ever feel frustrated. You know, "I correctly forecast it was going to be cold and I didn't see any deer wearing coats, gloves or scarves. I told 'em it was going to rain and I didn't see a single deer carrying an umbrella. I'm just not getting through. Where is the disconnect?”

• There are just 130 known original photographs of Abraham Lincoln, one of the most consequential humans in history. For perspective, some pet lovers will take that many of their cat sleeping this one weekend.